Skip to main content

A Crappy Halloween

'Twas the night before Halloween, when all through our home
Not a creature was stirring, not even a gnome
The pumpkins were carved by the front door with care
In hopes the Addams family soon would be there
The children were costumed in orange, black and red
While visions of chocolate bars danced in their heads
Ma wore a kerchief, and I in my cap
Had just locked the door for a ten minute crap

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the throne to see what was the matter
I leaned to zip up my pants in a flash
And inflicted on my hoo-haw a most hurtful gash

The moon on the breast of the woman below
Gave the lustre of mid-day to Elvira - she glowed


When, what to my wondering eyes should appear
But Father Roy with a six pack of beer


With a little young boy, who's name was Nick
I knew in a moment I must act real quick

More rapid than eagles my curses they came
And I whistled and shouted and called him names
Now Father you pervert, stop prancing you vixen
Is the the six beers why you're half blitzen?

From the top of the porch! From the top of the wall!
I bashed away, bashed away, he had a great fall
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky

So Father Roy ran off down the street
I've never seen any one so fast on their feet
And then in a twinkling I could hear myself say
Ma carved the pumpkin? No friggin' way!

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around
Down the hallway came Ma, I immedately frowned

She was dressd all in...nothing...from her head to her foot
And her clothes were all...vanished...the point's really moot
A wee little apron she'd flung round her waist
And she looked like a virgin all proper and chaste
She'd carved the pumpkin what could I say
The results of her efforts were there on display
Ma's brother Bob had joined us by now
And seemed to be arguing with his wife the poor cow
Her sweet little neck he held in his hands
And her cries encircled us like "battle of the bands"
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he choked her like KY jelly
He was tightening his grip she started to drool
And I laughed when I saw this, silly old fool
A wink of his eye and a twist of her head
Soon gave me to know she was certainly dead
He spoke not a word but left straight for work
He had a lift with a friend, some redneck jerk
And sticking my finger inside of my nose
And giving a nod murmered "So it goes"
I sprang to the john and exhaled a long whistle
Happy to finally poople and pissle
But I heard Ma exclaim, as I pushed with all might
"Turn on the fan" that smells a fright."

Drop by Humor Bloggers Dot Com all week for more Halloween hi-jinks!

Comments

Quirkyloon said…
Genius!

That was brilliant!

I love poopy posts and this was does not disapoop, erm, I mean disappoint!

Ha

word veri: idere
Me-Me King said…
Bravo! Author, author! This is the funniest Halloween story I've ever read! Give the man a prize!

You zipped up on your hoo-haw? Ouch!
nonamedufus said…
Quirks: I aim to please ;) ;) nudge, nudge.
nonamedufus said…
Me-Me: Gee your and Q's comments are gonna go to my head. Not the hoo-haw, the other head.
Moooooog35 said…
..and the pictures of Ma are...where again?
nonamedufus said…
moooooog: Ahem, that's from my, erm private collection.
thinkinfyou said…
I love it! I can't wait to see what you come up with for Thanksgiving!
CatLadyLarew said…
The picture of the skull must be of Clement Moore after he rolled over in his grave. Well done! Bwahaha!
nonamedufus said…
thinkinfyou: Thanks. Canadians already had our Thanksgiving. Check my post from October 12.
nonamedufus said…
CatLady: How'd you guess?
Jenn Thorson said…
Ah... I'm terribly amused how we both used the same poem and how the themes completely diverged!

Hoo-haw! :)
Don said…
Wow! The work you must have put into that post! Well done. After reading this it looks like I may have to go back to writing parables for the Bible. Just kidding...wasn't me.
nonamedufus said…
Jenn: I know. Funny, eh?
nonamedufus said…
Don: Thanks, Don. It's like you say: sometimes you just start writing and it all comes out. It was a lot of fun.
Donna said…
LOL!!!! LMAO!!!!! OMG THAT WAS FANTASTIC!!!! LMAO!!!!!!
ReformingGeek said…
Great poem. I'm going to be careful about pooping on Halloween.
Phillipia said…
LMHO...thanks...
nonamedufus said…
Donna: Wow, a reaction like that makes creating this all worth while.
nonamedufus said…
RG: Ha, ha, good idea.
nonamedufus said…
Phillipia: Glad you enjoyed it.
Quirkyloon said…
Genius!

That was brilliant!

I love poopy posts and this was does not disapoop, erm, I mean disappoint!

Ha

word veri: idere

Popular posts from this blog

My Back Pages - November

I read five books last month bringing my year to date total to 61, well past the 50 I estimated at the beginning of the year. And I've yet to get through December.

The month started out with The Nix, the debut novel by Nathan Hill which has been receiving a lot off positive reviews. In it Hill flips back and fourth from the 1968 Chicago protests and 2011 in a desperate search for the truth behind why his mother abandoned him at an early age. In between Hill takes on politics, the media and addiction as well as other aspects of society. It's a well-spun tale and I quite enjoyed reading it.

Next up was the auto-biographical I Am Brian Wilson of Beach Boys fame. This was somewhat of a scattered affair but an interesting read nonetheless. Wilson - or his ghostwriter - however is no Hemingway.

Then it was on to one of my favourite authors, Ian Rankin and his latest tale of now retired Inspector John Rebus, Rather Be The Devil. I never tire of these stories and this is the 21st in …

My Back Pages - 2016

Here, as promised is a month-by-month breakdown of the 67 books I delved into this year. I got off to a strong start and then my intake dwindled for a couple of months until picking back up in April. I'll let you in on my favourites at the end of this list.

January

Here, There and Everywhere:
My Life Recording the Music of the Beatles - Geoff Emerick - ****
H is for Hawk - Helen Macdonald - ***
Close To The Edge - The Story of Yes - Chris Welch - ***
Sweet Caress - William Boyd - ****


February

Purity by Jonathan Franzen 
Still Alice by Lisa Genova.


March

Natchez Burning - Greg Iles
The Promise (Elvis Cole #20) - Robert Crais

April

The Snowman (Harry Hole)- Joe Nesbo ****
Phantom (Harry Hole) - Joe Nesbo ****
The Leopard (Harry Hole) - Jo Nesbo ****


May

George Harrison Reconsidered ***
The Heart Goes Last - Margaret Atwood ****
Dropping The Needle - The Vinyl Dialogues Volume II ***
The Electric Mist with the Confederate Dead, (Dave Robicheaux #6) - James Lee Burke****


June/.July

 Lust and Wonder - Aug…

Traveling Along Singing A Song

Pete and Paulie were strolling along one day. The sun was bright, the air was cool, the birds chirped crazily in the trees and the squirrels  munched merrily on their nuts. Well not their nuts exactly. Nuts they found on the ground and in the gardens in the park.

Paulie felt so good he began to whistle. It wasn't any tune in particular, just one of those annoyingly tuneless whistles that wandered all over the place. Pete looked at Paulie and he squiggled up his nose and he said "What the hell is that?" Paulie replied "Oh nothing in particular. I'm just happy." "But you're not even whistling a tune" said Pete. Paulie replied "If you're so wise I'd like to see you do better, Pete."

Pete went silent for a moment and seemed to mumble to himself for a moment or two. Then he cleared his throat with a little cough, he opened his mouth and he began to sing.


"There once was a king very wise
Who spoke to his enemies in disguise
T…