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A Crappy Halloween

'Twas the night before Halloween, when all through our home
Not a creature was stirring, not even a gnome
The pumpkins were carved by the front door with care
In hopes the Addams family soon would be there
The children were costumed in orange, black and red
While visions of chocolate bars danced in their heads
Ma wore a kerchief, and I in my cap
Had just locked the door for a ten minute crap

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the throne to see what was the matter
I leaned to zip up my pants in a flash
And inflicted on my hoo-haw a most hurtful gash

The moon on the breast of the woman below
Gave the lustre of mid-day to Elvira - she glowed

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear
But Father Roy with a six pack of beer

With a little young boy, who's name was Nick
I knew in a moment I must act real quick

More rapid than eagles my curses they came
And I whistled and shouted and called him names
Now Father you pervert, stop prancing you vixen
Is the the six beers why you're half blitzen?

From the top of the porch! From the top of the wall!
I bashed away, bashed away, he had a great fall
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky

So Father Roy ran off down the street
I've never seen any one so fast on their feet
And then in a twinkling I could hear myself say
Ma carved the pumpkin? No friggin' way!

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around
Down the hallway came Ma, I immedately frowned

She was dressd all in...nothing...from her head to her foot
And her clothes were all...vanished...the point's really moot
A wee little apron she'd flung round her waist
And she looked like a virgin all proper and chaste
She'd carved the pumpkin what could I say
The results of her efforts were there on display
Ma's brother Bob had joined us by now
And seemed to be arguing with his wife the poor cow
Her sweet little neck he held in his hands
And her cries encircled us like "battle of the bands"
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he choked her like KY jelly
He was tightening his grip she started to drool
And I laughed when I saw this, silly old fool
A wink of his eye and a twist of her head
Soon gave me to know she was certainly dead
He spoke not a word but left straight for work
He had a lift with a friend, some redneck jerk
And sticking my finger inside of my nose
And giving a nod murmered "So it goes"
I sprang to the john and exhaled a long whistle
Happy to finally poople and pissle
But I heard Ma exclaim, as I pushed with all might
"Turn on the fan" that smells a fright."

Drop by Humor Bloggers Dot Com all week for more Halloween hi-jinks!


Quirkyloon said…

That was brilliant!

I love poopy posts and this was does not disapoop, erm, I mean disappoint!


word veri: idere
Me-Me King said…
Bravo! Author, author! This is the funniest Halloween story I've ever read! Give the man a prize!

You zipped up on your hoo-haw? Ouch!
nonamedufus said…
Quirks: I aim to please ;) ;) nudge, nudge.
nonamedufus said…
Me-Me: Gee your and Q's comments are gonna go to my head. Not the hoo-haw, the other head.
Moooooog35 said…
..and the pictures of Ma are...where again?
nonamedufus said…
moooooog: Ahem, that's from my, erm private collection.
thinkinfyou said…
I love it! I can't wait to see what you come up with for Thanksgiving!
CatLadyLarew said…
The picture of the skull must be of Clement Moore after he rolled over in his grave. Well done! Bwahaha!
nonamedufus said…
thinkinfyou: Thanks. Canadians already had our Thanksgiving. Check my post from October 12.
nonamedufus said…
CatLady: How'd you guess?
Jenn Thorson said…
Ah... I'm terribly amused how we both used the same poem and how the themes completely diverged!

Hoo-haw! :)
Don said…
Wow! The work you must have put into that post! Well done. After reading this it looks like I may have to go back to writing parables for the Bible. Just kidding...wasn't me.
nonamedufus said…
Jenn: I know. Funny, eh?
nonamedufus said…
Don: Thanks, Don. It's like you say: sometimes you just start writing and it all comes out. It was a lot of fun.
Donna said…
ReformingGeek said…
Great poem. I'm going to be careful about pooping on Halloween.
Phillipia said…
nonamedufus said…
Donna: Wow, a reaction like that makes creating this all worth while.
nonamedufus said…
RG: Ha, ha, good idea.
nonamedufus said…
Phillipia: Glad you enjoyed it.
Quirkyloon said…

That was brilliant!

I love poopy posts and this was does not disapoop, erm, I mean disappoint!


word veri: idere

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