nonamedufus

Tom and Jerry were the best of friends. But their fellow Grade sixers were always making fun of them asking where their friends Tweety and Sylvester were. It really riled them that their so-called friends bullied them and referred to them as an animated cat and mouse.  They were;t cartoon characters. Or even folksingers. They were anything but. One day in the cafeteria they discussed the problem. "I'd really like to squish those guy" moaned Tom to Jerry one day. "Squish?" said Jerry. "That's a funny word." "It's an onomatopoeia" replied Tom. "On-a what?" said Jerry. "Sounds like something the dog did." "Huh?" said Tom. "You know, 'Spot, on the mat he pee, uh'" blurted Jerry laughing and blowing milk out his left nostril at the lunch table. "No silly, it's a term for a word that imitates a sound." "Burp" said Jerry after a long draw on his milk ...

It was embarrassing. Conrad hadn't had a poop in a week. No matter how hard he tried; no matter how long he sat it just wasn't happening. And he'd eaten enough prunes and ingested enough Benifiber to last a lifetime. After the third day his wife had jokingly started calling him Constipated Conrad. But to Conrad it was no joke. He needed to do something to rid himself of this accursed dilemma. Then in the middle of the night Conrad had awoken doubled over in pain. The build up of bile was becoming unmanageable as was evident in what was happening in his stomach. His wife called 911 and an ambulance was dispatched. Conrad didn't find it nearly as humorous as the ambulance attendants and he suffered through their questions of what he'd eaten and what he'd taken in an effort to break the dam, as it were. (Their words, not mine.) Wheeled into Emergency, Conrad suffered further indignation as the nurse asked him many of the same questions posed by the first re...

Fiona and Frank Fiddler are in love. Fully. Completely. They must be. Fiona and Frank Fiddler have 14 children, all whose names begin with the letter "F". You know how parents with just a few children mix them up and run through their names until they hit on the right one?  One can just imagine the scene at the Fiddler dinner table. "Fred, Francis, Frank Jr. get your elbows off the table." "Fatima, Faith, Fannie stop picking your nose." "Farah, Fawn, Fay...which effin one are you again? Never mind, just pass the fish." Before I forget I should share how this all began. Fiona and Frank met in Fiji, each while on vacation. Over a chance encounter and a fruity drink at the Hotel Fairmont bar they fell hopelessly in love. As the Beatles would say 'It would be a love that would last forever'. Back home in Fredericksburg, Texas Fiona and Frank quickly became Mr and Mrs Fiddler. And while neither of them were musicians, it soon became o...

One day Robert and I were walking downtown when we came upon a burning building. It was sheer mayhem with tons of people watching the goings on. I turned to Robert and our conversation went like this: Robert: Oh my God. What should we call this then? Me: A herd of heroes? Robert: Not quite. Me: An army of ambulance drivers? Robert: Good guess. Me: A mob of medics? Robert: Not what I was going for. Me: A flange of firefighters. Robert: That too. Me: A  flock of fuzz? Robert: Close. Me:A band of men and women in blue? Robert: You're getting warm. Me: Not a parliament of police? Robert: No. Me: a draft of detectives? Robert: Warmer. Me: And their congregation of cars? Robert: What? Me: Okay, okay, how about a litter of lieutenants? Robert: Nope. Me: Okay, then a scattering of sergeants. Robert: Sorry. Me: Okay my last guess: A pack of privates? Robert You're way off. Me: Okay smart guy, what then? Robert: Why it's a cop...

If Big Bob Stiff had a weakness it was cheese. He loved the stuff. All kinds. Even blue cheese. If Bob had a second weakness it was fish. All kinds. But particularly sole. He loved it. The one drawback from eating all this cheese was that Bob was in a state of near constant constipation. But he didn't let it deter him. As a result Bob ballooned to 400 lbs. His wife left him. He got fired from his job. He was shunned by his friends. One day, while surfing the internet, (Do we still say that?) Bob came across an ad for a tourist destination. It was a small, until now secret, island chain called Gouda and Filet. He read on. He was  enamoured by this perfectly named place in the Pacific Ocean and learned the spot was abundant in cheese and fish. Bob wasn't exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer. For him it was a match made in heaven. After all, while cheese was available in Denver, it wasn't exactly a hotspot for fresh fish. There was only one thing for Bob to do. He s...

Giuseppe was from the old country. He himself was old. But he was reasonably well off, able to have provided nicely for his wife Roberta and his seven children Alberto, Bianca, Carlotta, Donato, Ernesto, and twins Francesca and Francesco. Giuseppe thought it was a good idea to stop at seven children because he realized there were 26 letters in the alphabet. Best to stop at F. That many children in the house meant his days were filled with joy. Well, as much joy as possible after working ten to twelve hours in his workshop creating new colours that first his wife, then eventually a factory full of workers could use to dye the clothes they made for the family firm, Lululampone. Giuseppe was quite famous for both the soft pastel shades of pink, mauve and baby blue he had created and later, by contrast, when he had grown tired of that the bright shades for the younger set of neon pink, fluorescent green and shocking purple. One day a sports store company called Giuseppe and asked...

Brian fell into a deep dream-filled unconscious state. At least for several hours he could escape the pain. The pain of losing her. But he dreamt of her. Of the life they had shared. Of the love they had lived. And a smile spread across his face. But when he awoke his pillow was wet and the tears still ran down his cheeks. It was dark. It was still the middle of the night. He slipped from beneath the covers and got up to pee. Returning to bed he noticed the lump on the other side of the mattress, that he'd grown so accustomed to over the years, was no longer there. The covers were flat. He'd have to get used to that. And he'd have to get used to many a restless night, not to mention lonely days, without her. And he'd forever wonder why she did it.  The overdose of sleeping pills she'd taken had proven effective. This week's prompt from Studio30+ was efficacious/effective . 

Mary and Bob were doubly blessed. They were the parents of twin boys. But maybe blessed was a bit of an overstatement. Oh they loved their two children, to be sure. But they were a bit of a challenge. Right from the moment they were born they demanded a lot of attention. Waking during the night. Demanding to be fed. Not napping during the day. Poor Bob and Mary barely got a moment to themselves. First came nursery school and then grade school and you'd think they'd have a moment's rest while they went to class, but shopping, errands and chauffeuring took considerable time out of each day. And the two boys loved sports. Soccer, baseball, football, hockey, basketball. You name it, they wanted to play it. They often were on different teams playing at different venues. But Mary and Bob were devoted to the two and gave them every opportunity. Now many little boys are full of energy. it was the same with the twins. They'd run around the house, yelling, teasing one ano...

Did you ever experience something, well, inexplicable? I have. And this is one such tale. I was on my way to work. I'd left my car in the public parking lot and was walking the remaining several blocks to the office. It was a cool October morning. So much so I could see my breath. The sidewalk was crisp and a little slippery with frost. And the leaves on the trees, where else, were a cavalcade of fall colours. My fellow commuting pedestrians rushed by, their noses deep in their smart phones. I wondered to myself how they avoided bumping into each other. I laughingly thought maybe those things had guidance systems that warned them of oncoming people. Then I saw something out of the corner of my eye that didn't fit with this picture. It was a ragamuffin of a little girl sitting on the sidewalk, her back pressed up the wall of an office building for support. I stopped and stared at the girl who couldn't be any more than ten years old and wondered what she was doing o...

I remember in high school some buddies and I took our lunches across the street from the school grounds so that we could all smoke while we ate our lunch. One thing led to another and we started telling jokes and acting silly until one of us, Pete Nolan as I recall, laughed so hard he blew his chocolate milk out of his nose. Well, that was it. The rest of us, mouths empty of such liquid, laughed our heads off as we rolled around on the ground. Back then we didn't have the pretend ROTFL, let alone computers, hand-held phones and the like. Nope. We had the real thing. And we put it to good use that day. Later on in life I experienced the real thing blowing such things as milk, juice and Coke out one or both nostrils. Messy stuff that. Now that I'm older I don't blow stuff out my nose anymore.  I'm too old for that. And I guess I don't find things as funny as I once did. I think the last thing I blew out my nose was beer. Everything seems funnier with beer. ...

Betty and Barb were quite pleased with themselves. After three years of Agriculture College they were ready to put their studies to the test. Who said blondes weren't smart. They first applied to a pineapple farm but thought the work was too prickly. Then they tried working on a vineyard but quit expressing sour grapes. Two openings were found on a vegetable farm but after a while they felt they'd bean there done that. They then went to work on a banana plantation but soon felt it didn't have enough appeal. They got really excited when they learned of jobs on a fig farm but then got disappointed they couldn't get any dates. They placed ads for a job harvesting corn but their pleas fell on deaf ears. Then Barb told Betty of jobs she'd come across that she was sure they'd succeed at. Betty wasn't so sure. "These jobs are tailor made for us" she said. There's a couple of sweet openings on a sugar beet farm." "What ...

Pete and Paulie were strolling along one day. The sun was bright, the air was cool, the birds chirped crazily in the trees and the squirrels  munched merrily on their nuts. Well not their nuts exactly. Nuts they found on the ground and in the gardens in the park. Paulie felt so good he began to whistle. It wasn't any tune in particular, just one of those annoyingly tuneless whistles that wandered all over the place. Pete looked at Paulie and he squiggled up his nose and he said "What the hell is that?" Paulie replied "Oh nothing in particular. I'm just happy." "But you're not even whistling a tune" said Pete. Paulie replied "If you're so wise I'd like to see you do better, Pete." Pete went silent for a moment and seemed to mumble to himself for a moment or two. Then he cleared his throat with a little cough, he opened his mouth and he began to sing. "There once was a king very wise Who spoke to his enemies in ...

Two Jamaicans meet on the street and recognize each other. They fall into a little discussion. #1: "Ya, mawn good to see you derr my friend." #2: "Ya, mawn me too, derr. How ya been doin' mawn?" #1: "It is what it is, mawn. Ya know? Been doin' not much. How 'bout you?" #2 "Life be good ya know mawn? I been doin' not much neither my friend." #1: "That be the life, mawn. You know?' #2: "Oh, I know, my mawn. I know." #1: "Say nice dreads my mawn. How long it take ya to grow dem?" #2: "Oh, deese? About five years, mawn, yeah. But look at yours, dey be much longer dan mine, man. Ya might even say dey be more dreadful dan mine mawn." #1: "Yeah, me mawn it take about seven years for deese dreads ." #2: "Hey mawn ya got any ghanja? I been needin' me a good hit for some time now." #1: "Ya know I do mawn. And I always got a bit to share with a brot...

Junior: "Those clouds are getting dark." Daddy: "Ya reckon?" Junior: "Yep, and the wind's bound to pick up." Daddy: "Ya reckon?" Junior:  "Yep, and just look at the leaves on those trees inside out. It's bound to rain soon." Daddy: "Ya reckon?" Junior: "Yep, I think we ought to get the family down to the storm cellar." Daddy: "Ya reckon?" Junior: "Yep, cause storm winds can blow really strong and turn into twisters." Daddy: "Ya reckon?" Junior: "And the rain could cause a flood." Daddy: "Ya reckon?" Junior: "Yep, and if we don't do something soon that wind and rain will pulverize the house and barn on and on until little's left of them," Daddy: "Yeah, wreck on and on and on, I guess." The prompt from the folks at Studio30+ this week was reckon/guess . And I reckon I pass the test. Click on the link ...

Captains Smug and Vainglorious sat comfortably in the pilot seats of their Martian spacecraft. A successful lift off had propelled them thousands of light years close to earth.  As they neared the great planet Smug declared smugly "Time to take the ship off auto-pilot" to which Vainglorious replied somewhat vaingloriously "I thought you'd never do that." They each regarded the other with arched eyebrows which both had come to accept as code for 'nuff said'. As the exit door opened they both strode toward the gangplank but found they could not disembark side by side. Smug and Vainglorious had not run into this problem with other space captains such as Captain Humble, Captain Unsure or Captain Modest. Although shifts with Captain Pompous and Captain Stuck Up had proven challenging. So arching their eyebrows at one another they decided to dismount the ship sideways, face-to-face. It's not that Smug and Vainglorious didn't like each other it...

It was a Friday night and after months of unsuccessful attempts at the dating site scene Billy Goodbar  decided to visit a bar or two. He went out alone as he really had no friends to accompany him - a fact Bill had failed to consider in his failed attempts to make friends with the opposite sex on eHarmony, Match.com and Desperate and Lonely. So where some might leave in a huff, Bill chose a cab to take him downtown to the busy bar district. Bill walked up the sidewalk of one side of the street and down the other, not unlike a tourist on  brightly lit Bourbon Street New Orleans. A shy, lonely fellow with no friends Bill was in the third season of  binge-watching TREME and he felt like a character in the show as the soundtrack flooded round his head over and over Bill decided he could not wait any more and as he looked up at the fancy lit signs chose Alphonse's Bar - Live Music. He suspected the Dead had been through town last week. Bill tripped over the doorsill as...

Bob and Ray were out for a leisurely stroll on a back country road. The sky was blue. The sun was high in a cloudless sky. The birds were chirping merrily. The crickets were happily rubbing their legs together. Now I know what image that last statement conjures up but get your mind out of the gutter and back on the road. Bob and Ray joined in with the sounds of nature and hummed an old folk tune My Shoe's Got A Hole In It And My Foot Hurts Like Shit. Bob and Ray were a couple of religious fellows which is why the hummed the song and didn't sing the lyrics. Just when the two friends thought nothing could interrupt this idyllic interlude the sound of approaching horses did just that. Clop, clop, clop...the horses drew nearer and a wonderful whistle could be heard, at odds with the boys' humming. The two stepped to the side of the road, not quite so far as some of you strayed earlier, to let the horses and the wagon they were leading to pass. But instead, the whistler...

I'm 64 and hate to admit that I've been a lapsed Catholic for a good many years. I think my decision to leave the Church was like the straw that broke the camel's back when, as a teenager, my parish priest singled me out during mass to tell me what page we were on in the hymnal. A teenager, I had better things to do to follow along in the hymnal. Like check out the girls in the pews around me. At least I wasn't sneaking out for a smoke with my buddies. So at my age my memory's a little hazy but I can recall my days as an altar boy in my early teens. These were the days before they turned the altars around where the pedophiles had to face the congregation while saying mass.  (Did I just say that out loud?) Funny, being an altar boy to me back then was like going to Cubs or playing baseball. It was just another one of those past-times. It was a little inconvenient to be an altar boy. We had to rise early because we served mass Monday through Saturday at 7am eac...

Bob the Zombie had nothing but bad luck. When he went to a hockey game there was always a face off in the corner. When he went to see his divorce lawyer he was told he didn't have a leg to stand on. A comedian, he often visited the hospitals in search of sick jokes. His jokes were so bad he rarely got a hand. But he worked so hard that even though his jokes were rotten he was often dead on his feet. Often when he returned home late from performing his wife would give him the cold shoulder. Often they would  fight and no one would really win because there'd be a dead tie. Although his wife often came near winning with her shouts of "You wanna piece of me?" The only thing that kept Bob going was the thought of his new girlfriend Rachel, who he really liked  for her brains. Yep, and she was pretty smart too. He had agreed to meet her at the bar that night called the Revenant and to settle his nerves he ordered a zombie and sat at the bar. About twenty ...

One day Anthony died and awoke at the gates of heaven. "I'm in" he no sooner thought to himself when a booming, castigating voice said "Not so fast Anthony. It's not as simple as that".   Anthony turned in search of the voice and stopped when he came across a less than five footed bearded man in flowing white robes. "You Peter? laughed Anthony. "That's right my son and that laugh is already one strike against you." "Oh I'm so sorry St Peter. Please forgive me. But understand you weren't what I was expecting." "That's not all you weren't expecting" said Peter with a wink of his eye. "Heaven is split into six sections and we decide which section arrivals will be placed. Follow me and I'll explain." Peter called for a golf cart and took Anthony on a little excursion. Their first stop was Eh Heaven. "That's where all the Canadians are" said Peter. "Of course, eh...