nonamedufus

Remember back in February Nicky and Mike @ We Work For Cheese ran a little challenge? Yeah, sure you do. It was a writing challenge. They called it the 30M2DoW. Now let's see if I get this right: 30 Minus 2 Days of Writing. Cute, eh? Well, along the way some dropped out, some jumped in, some started great serials but left them unfinished when the challenge wrapped up. It wasn't easy coming up with a tale every day in response to that day's prompts. But in the end I think everyone had fun...if you define the term "fun" loosely. Now, Indigo Roth  a British blogger bloke, had so much fun he designed a T-shirt to commemorate the event and made it available through an outfit called Zizzle or Zazzle or something with a Zee. Well, hell, I thought, I've got to get me one of those. So I yanked out the VISA and laid my money down...in February. And I waited....a week...two weeks...a month...and then... It arrived today! A month and a half after I ordered it. I ...

Ziva and Nicky in happier times. She stumbled out of the door into the darkness. The sun had been shining when she'd arrived, alone and sober at Cheesy Mike's Bar and Baguettery. Her friend and room mate Ziva had told her to hold on that she'd come with her. But she couldn't wait. And the next thing Ziva knew she was gone. "Damn" said Ziva, "This certainly puts a strain on our friendship. I hope it wasn't something I said. However, when Nicky said 'You better put out some hors d'oeuvres' for our little soiree this evening' I just felt she was ordering me around." And so Nicky retreated to her favourite little haven, the CMB&B where she and Zee would often meet after work to down a few cold ones. But it wasn't long before she felt remorseful at how she had acted and began texting her pal in French. Of course, she'd had a few Molson X's by now and forgot Ziva didn't understand the language of love. After ...

I thought today was Day 28 of 30 Days of Writing II minus 2. But Nicky told me we still have another day to go. And that's why I got drunk. Really? The saying isn't "I can drink you under the bench"? Weave your way over to We Drink for Cheese and see what everybody else's excuse is.

Okay, the younger and more with it (do they still say that?) among you may know that "deal with it" is an internet meme. Or I should say "was" an internet meme from a few years back. The expression itself is not very polite but a curt response to someone who questions a certain activity in which he or she is being forced to participate. The expression, coupled with a gif (look it up) of dropping sunglasses (hell, I don't know why) became the most popular meme on the internet around 2010. Now, I must have been doing my Rip Van Winkle thing because I seem to have missed this entirely. Heck, I've only just clued in to gangnam style only to learn it's been superseded by something called the Harlem Shake. I don't know about you, but I've been doing part of that dance for years. Had three children doing it. Everything old is new again! So what's next? Seal With It - a meme with a black singer formerly married to Heidi Klum Meal ...

Picture this. It's October 30, 1938. You've just finished dinner, cleared the table and helped mom do the dishes. The pots and pans are left for later because the clock in the kitchen indicates it's time for the family's favourite CBS radio program. Dad switches the radio on, tunes in the station, and everyone sits back in anticipation of what's to come. But as the show begins it is interrupted by a news bulletin. Are your ears playing tricks? The newscaster is trying to maintain his composure as he relays developments associated with alien spaceships hovering over the Earth. This can't be. But they're interviewing eye-witnesses. Wait, a spaceship has landed. My God a heat ray as incinerated the nearby crowd. Fact or fiction? Well, it really did happen. The radio broadcast, that is, not the alien invasion. It was a radio play performed by the Mercury Theatre Players, produced and narrated by Orson Welles, based on the science-fiction tale War ...

Okay, I admit it. I'm not perfect. Hard to believe, I know. Many of you may have thought so. You may think I lead the perfect life, am happily married, very content with everything I have. But I must admit that there are times I need help. Some direction. Answers to the many questions I have about love, life and whether I should drop off and see Nicky next time I'm in Montreal. Sad for me to have to say all this and I hope I haven't let you down. What's my secret? How have I been able to fool you for so long? Well, if you promise not to tell anyone, I'll let you in on a little ssomething. I am a devotee of Confucianism. Confused? Allow me to illucidate. "Can he do that without drugs?" you may well ask. Well, we're about to find out. At least once a day I zone out. My wife thinks it's when she's talking to me but not true. I meditate. Yep. I sit cross-legged on the floor and am transported to another place for an hour. It'd be about...

On the highest branch of a barren tree, high upon a rock-strewn mountain I sat taking in the view below. I had retreated to my perilous perch after having waged a weary battle with the inhabitants of the village below. Many of their bodies now lay strewn throughout the muddy streets where, not more than twenty minutes ago their blood curdling screams filled the air in an attempt to first frighten, then, slay me. But their efforts were all for naught. And now their bodies and abodes lay smouldering, smoke wafting gently in the soft blowing breeze. I don't know for certain what possessed them to turn as they did upon me. I was only seeking sustenance after my long and laborious flight from a similar village many miles away. And in that village, as with countless cities and towns before it, their townspeople turned in tyrannous fashion against me. It wasn't always like this. Many moons ago the humans that walked upon the earth worshiped me, my large leathery body, my wondro...

I feel sorry for people who act compulsively. For some it's minor actions that often result in humorous situations. But in other cases it's an uncontrollable disorder. Have you ever seen that reality show Hoarders ? Oh my God those people have problems. The subjects of this show have bought and collected so many things there's hardly room for them to live in their houses. Not only is a disposal expert and crew engaged to clean up the house but a psychiatrist is brought in to help the hoarder and their family through the exercise of getting rid of these articles. In many cases, the local government has condemned the house and refuses to lift the ordinance until the house is cleaned up. And although these folks live in filth and squalor and have collected so much they can't even find their own bed in their house most of these people go through severe mental aguish in deciding what to part with. I don't watch this show on a regular basis, not compulsively, bu...

We'd had a long day of sightseeing and as the daylight was quickly fading so were we. Our feet were sore. Bob and I decided on resting our dogs at a nearby pub and a couple of Guinness sounded good right about now. It had been some day. We learned for instance that contrary to that childhood song London Bridge was not falling down. And we were quite disappointed to learn that the crown jewels were just that, literally. I mean we'd read about Prince Charles' propensity for extra curricular, ahem, activities in the past and we kinda wanted to see what all the fuss was about. We took a ride on the London Eye but were disappointed when there wasn't an optometrist to be seen. Boy did we make a spectacle of ourselves. And we were quite amazed when we saw the Beefeaters at the tower of London. Not so much by their colourful uniforms but because they weren't eating beef. We thought we might be able to wrangle a free meal but no such luck. We visited the British...

It's been several years since I've bought new shoes. The last shoes I bought were a pair of golf shoes,  actually. I don't work anymore so I don't need dress shoes. The ones I have - a pair in black and a pair in brown - are gathering dust in the bottom of my closet. I bought a pair of Champion running shoes in Panama several years back - really cheap - to add to my growing collection. But I confess, when the nice weather's here I wear sandals when I'm going out and around the yard a pair of flip flops. I have a pair of crocs, but Mrs D won't let me wear them. She hates them. But they're so comfortable even if they aren't fashionable. Sometimes I'll slip them on while she's at work and then take them off before she gets home. And she's none the wiser. Although, from time to time I do feel a little guilty having cheated on her. I find my feet really haven't grown in the last 10 to 15 years so if my footwear is still pres...

Little Things Is it grandiose gestures Flowers store bought? No it's the little things They mean a lot Is it magnanimous efforts Battles well fought? No it's the tiny actions Often done without thought Is it expensive presents At the store that I got? No it's something effortless A thing not sought Oh I think I'm getting it It's what most appeals It's little things Things that are real I think you understand It kind of fits like a glove It's the little things you do That say "It's you I love" Well why didn't you say so My love, my honey Before I went out And spent all this money! Head on over to We Pray To Little Cheeses and check out Nicky's little things. By that I mean the other folks participating in this challenge. Honestly, what did you think I meant?

For this one I'm digging into the old archives. Hey, first time during the challenge I've done this. The story just seemed to fit. I first wrote and published this in January 2011. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the misfortunes of others...namely me. Welcome to the U.S. Eh? To Serve And Delay Why me? Why do these things always happen to me. Canada/U.S. relations hit a new low last night when I touched down in Miami en route to Orlando from Panama. I know our dollar's worth more than the American currency in the current economic smack down but, hey, do you have to take it out on me? So let me back up a bit. We left the condo in Bijoa Tuesday morning at 11:15, well in time for the two and-a-half hour drive to the airport. We made good time, traffic was good, we didn't get lost. We were humming our way through downtown Panama when from behind us we hear sirens. So we move over to the right lane. All of a sudden three police motorcycles whip by us in the l...

It was sure to be an arduous task. The light in the laundry room had burned out and if he didn't change it soon he'd be recycling his underwear: front to back, back to front, inside out, repeat. He wasn't looking forward to that. He shuffled across the living room floor with the aid of his cane and then gingerly lifted one foot, then the next, then the cane, step-by-step down the stairs to the basement. With advancing age he didn't move as quickly or as confidently as he once did. Nor did his mind work quite the way it used to. Entering the laundry room and lifting his eyes to the dead bulb in the ceiling, he realized he couldn't reach it and would need the step ladder. But the step ladder was in the garage, hung high on a nail on the wall. He'd about need a step ladder to get at the step ladder. So his tired legs and feet climbed the stairs and shuffled to the kitchen where the phone was. He'd call his grandson and see if he were able to come over...

It was comedian/musician Martin Mull who said: "Writing about music is like dancing about architecture." But, what the heck, I'm going to give it a go. Music is such a huge part of my life. I don't play an instrument. I just love to listen. It's been a big part of my life since I was a kid in the 50s, starting with Elvis Presley. But I remember as a grade schooler, walking home with my pals mimicking Gene Chandler singing that doo-wop classic Duke of Earl ... Then it was on to the hot-rodding and surfing songs of the Beach Boys, Jan & Dean, the Rip-Chords and the like. And then, as a teenager, the British invasion of the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Gerry and the Pacemakers, the Animals, the Kinks, the Troggs, the Zombies, the Dave Clark Five and others took over. And that was it. I was hooked. In my mid-to-late teens I sang in several rock bands. We never went anywhere other than friends' basement parties but we had a lot of fun. Sinc...

Well we've passed the half-way mark in Nicky and Mike's 30 Days of Writing II Minus 2. Now that's such a mouthful I've taken to calling this month of torture 30DW2-2. Sorta sounds like a motor oil, I know. Kinda like better living through higher viscosity. Anyway, on to today's prompt...or else. Ha, ha. See what I just did there. Or else Nicky'll come after me waving her fresh baguettes (is that a euphemism?) and tossing a couple of wheels of Oka cheese . Now here's a little tale that rings true. We have a phantom doorbell. A few years back I bought one of those battery-powered doorbells to replace one that didn't work. You know, one that works on some kind of radio frequency. It was great. Put a little battery in the button and a couple of big ones in the bell and...voila...we had a working doorbell. Well until something weird happened. Mrs D and I would be watching TV in the evening and the doorbell would ring. But when one of us would get up to ...

Gary had planned out his day carefully. After all this was going to be a very special day - a once in a lifetime occasion. After weeks of thought and planning he had worked things out better than a proctologist with a big stick. And after all was said and done he'd be the luckiest guy in the world. He had taken the afternoon off from work, having succeeded in getting Bob to take his shift at Five Guys Burgers and Fries. He never could figure that name out. Who were the five guys? He didn't think he was one of them. In his store there were seven guys and four girls. Why didn't they call his store Seven Guys and Four Girls Burgers and... Ah. He just figured out why that wouldn't work. So it was mid-afternoon. The sun was shining down on the roadway in front of him "like a shimmering ribbon of large moving ants," he thought to himself. Except they weren't ants, they were cars. He knew that. But he often liked to think in similes. He checked his piece...

Lucky 13. Still 15 days to go. Damn it to hell I don't know if I'm going to make it. When Nicky invited my to participate in this little exercise my answer was purely unintended. I meant to say no. No thank you, Nicky. I'm burned out, Nicky. I'm wasted. I haven't got any ideas. I haven't got any energy. I'm dead. I'm still recovering from Ziva's infernal 30 Damn Days of Photographs. I've just had pneumonia and spent 5 days in the hospital. Leave me alone. But you guys know Nicky. Just how does one say "no" to Nicky? So I said yes. And that was unintended. So away we went. Cheesy. Hold On. And the next thing I knew I was in the flow of things. I wrote a couple of posts several days in advance and I was off. Keeping pace. Coming up with posts for the prompts. And that was unintended. Look at me now, ma. No hands. Well something like that. Who knew that I'd actually be thankin...

Hmm. Should I stay in tonight and Watch Honey Boo Boo or go out to the theatre? Oh, man, that alarm seems to have gone off early. What time is it? Oh, lord it's 7:30 already. Well, big day today. Our American Cousin opens tonight and of all people the President will be there. Who knew he was a such a big fan of the theatre? Better get moving. Shower, shit and shave. Need to look my best for Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln. Ironic how the Lincolns will be attending the Ford Theatre, eh? I wonder if that young mustang, their son, will be with them? *** Hi, Bob. How's it going in the snack bar? Did we get that order of Cheez-Whiz in for the nachos? We did? Great! I want to to be sure Abe's love of cheese is fully filled. I mean he must love cheese. Why else would he be coming to see this play? And what about the white chocolate and black liquorice? Are we all stocked up? Yeah? That's great. We want him to know the two can live in harmony. *** Well, half...

Back in the early 70s my ex-wife and I were lucky enough to score government grants to pay for our university tuition. In those days the majority of the money we received didn't have to be repaid, unlike today when the majority of the money is a loan. Of course it helped immeasurably that we knew the lady in the university awards office. Nevertheless, we came into a small windfall. Did we use it for tuition? We bought a 1969 Volkswagen Beetle and took off to Daytona Beach for Spring Break. Now travelling from Ottawa, Ontario to Daytona Beach, Florida was a major undertaking. It was several days' drive. Did we know where we were going? Sure. South! I think we actually took out a membership with the Canadian Automobile Association who provided us with a Trip Kit - a series of pages of maps with a magic marker highlighting our route for us. Kind of like the 70s version of GPS, if you will. The trip was fairly uneventful. Being a couple of impoverished university types we ...

Last year my youngest brother, Whitey (y'all remember Whitey?) asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said "To go golfing." So, lucky me, he took me golfing on my birthday. We're still talking about it. You see my birthday is in late April and as it turned out, while sunny, the mercury didn't get above zero celsius. Now I've only taken up golf in the last couple of years. I love it and I'm keen to get out on the course and swing the clubs anytime. Whitey on the other hand has been golfing since he was a kid. He's pretty much seen it all. Except for going golfing when it's 0 degrees. Look closely at that picture. We look a little red, don't we? It was windy too. And look at my brother  Mr. Whitey "Two Gloves". "Yeah", as he likes to say, "two gloves and three layers of clothing." The guy's a wuss I tell ya. This year maybe we'll wait until May or June (see what I just did there?) before ...