Gary had planned out his day carefully. After all this was going to be a very special day - a once in a lifetime occasion. After weeks of thought and planning he had worked things out better than a proctologist with a big stick. And after all was said and done he'd be the luckiest guy in the world.
He had taken the afternoon off from work, having succeeded in getting Bob to take his shift at Five Guys Burgers and Fries. He never could figure that name out. Who were the five guys? He didn't think he was one of them. In his store there were seven guys and four girls. Why didn't they call his store Seven Guys and Four Girls Burgers and... Ah. He just figured out why that wouldn't work.
So it was mid-afternoon. The sun was shining down on the roadway in front of him "like a shimmering ribbon of large moving ants," he thought to himself. Except they weren't ants, they were cars. He knew that. But he often liked to think in similes.
He checked his piece of paper with his list.
#1 - Drive to bank
...he'd written as the first step.
Gary was a few fries shy of a poutine, which is why today he'd written his plans down on a piece of paper. The bank was but his first step.
He was busy all afternoon carrying out the items on his list. "As busy as a one armed man directing traffic," he thought to himself. Today of all days he was going to get everything right. "As right as rain," he thought to himself. While he often thought in similes he rarely used appropriate ones.
He looked at his watch. "Oh my God, look at the time. I'm going to be late," he said, later than a room full of 17 year-old girls in an obstetrician's waiting room. He quickly hopped into his car and sped off in the direction of his pre-arranged appointment.
When he arrived in the parking lot. He gathered up his purchases and made his way to the front door of Guido's Italian Restaurant.
Inside was Rebecca, a nice Jewish girl, somewhat on the heavy side, but nevertheless the love of his life. He was taking her out for dinner to celebrate Valentine's Day and, little did she know (not unlike the captain of a destroyer with an underwater missile aimed at his hull - Christ! Now he's got me doing it.) but he was going to present her with something very special tonight.
He spied her at a table, sitting alone. He made his way toward her. He'd spent the afternoon buying things he knew she liked and would present them to her before his very special purchase. He went down on one knee. Her eyes widened. First he showered her with a dozen red roses. Then he presented her with a box of chocolates of which he'd carefully replaced the cover after eating several earlier. Well, he hadn't eaten lunch, eh? Next a lovely bottle of bubbly to celebrate the occasion. Then he pulled a lovely bracelet out of his bag and snapped it around her wrist.
With a wink of his eye and a final flourish he reached his hand into the bag to present her with the piece de resistance and... and... and...
It wasn't there. He'd lost his very special present; the one that would mean so much to her. And he knew if he didn't act fast she'd never forgive him.
He looked around the restaurant panic stricken, as panicked as a pedestrian realizing they've crossed a one way street against the light. He got up off his one knee, called the waiter over and in a hushed tone whispered to him...
"Do you happen to know where I can get a good blintz?"
Well I hope you enjoyed that. I propose you head on over to We Work For Crap, er, Crepe and see if the rest of the folks know where to get a blintz.