I Am Charlie, I'm A Bore

I Am Charlie, I'm A Bore

Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson, Tom Cruise, Colin Farrel...you know the list, it goes on and on. The list of Hollywood hick-ups who not content to meltdown behind closed doors have to drag each and every detail out into the light of day and share it with all of us. Well, add Charlie Sheen to that luckless and lascivious list of losers. In the past few days he's been on every major media soapbox complaining abut how he's been treated and how he's misunderstood. Last night he spent an hour on ABC's 20/20 "in his own words". Charlie, you should have stuck to the script.

"I have a highly evolved brain".

You know I never did like that song by Helen Reddy in the 70s "I Am Woman". But I have to say the melody really leant itself well to a parody of Hollywood's latest flame-out, Charlie Sheen. Although I never thought I'd hear myself say this, my sincerest apologies to Helen Reddy. And now if you're ready (a little play on words there), let's begin...

I'm a train wreck hear me roar

Like La-Lohan I'm a bore

I'm on a drug. It is called Charlie Sheen

And I keep coming back for more

And I've been down there on the floor

Hurling internal organs like my spleen

Chorus

Oh no I'm not wise

But it's dumbness that's ingrained

Yes, I've paid the price

But look how I'm so lame

If I have to, I can ingest anything

I'm a God

I'm unprincipled

I'm a train wreck

I'm a train wreck watch me speed

'Cause it only serves my selfish needs

I'm a wasted, sotten, rotten kinda guy

And I'm accused of being a goner

Not a nice guy any longer

But with my money there's nothing I can't buy

chorus

I'm a train wreck, watch me go

See me throwing up on my toes

As I spread my lovin' legs for all to see

Yes for the ladies I still go

With a long, long... well, you know

And still I'm having trouble when I pee

Oh yes I am wasted

And I'm in a lot of pain

Yes, I've paid the price

But look how much I've fame

If I have to I can ingest anything

I'm a God

I'm an idiot

I am Charlie

Hear me.... zzzzzzzz

The above is part of a Tribal Blogs "Charlie Sheen" Carnival. See what other bloggers have to say about Charlie Choo-Choo Trainwreck @ Tribal Blogs.

If you're looking for this week's Pause Ponder and Pun, I've just delayed it a day. Come on back tomorrow.

Comments

cardiogirl said…

*Slowly rises from her seat and commences a one woman standing ovation* Bravo Noname! That was amazing. I am having so much fun watching this spectacle. That's probably wrong but I cannot look away.

2 March 2011 at 05:44

nonamedufus said…

cardiogirl. Until now I couldn't bring myself to watch it. But that 20/20 piece last night was indescribable. And I just had to hang on to see what the next outlandish thing he'd say would be.

2 March 2011 at 05:50

Nicky said…

I feel bad for his family. I'm cringing every time he opens his mouth, I can only imagine how they react! Hopefully, he'll find himself a new publicist who will shut him up soon!

2 March 2011 at 05:59

nonamedufus said…

Nicky: I don't think anyone's gonna shut him up. I've said before his own worst enemy isn't drugs, alcohol or porn stars. It's his two feet...lodged firmly in his mouth.

2 March 2011 at 06:05

http://howtobecomeacatladywithoutthecats.blogspot.com said…

Just when I thought he couldn't become any more outrageous... the Academy Award for Bat Shit Craziest Ass goes to Charlie Sheen!

2 March 2011 at 08:08

nonamedufus said…

Boom Boom: An award? Shit, don't encourage him!

2 March 2011 at 08:28

laughingmom said…

Loved the song - so true - you really should put an audio clip on the site so that we can enjoy it at its best!

2 March 2011 at 08:58

Rachele said…

I can't stand to watch it. If the press would leave it alone he wouldn't have a soapbox to stand on and spew this nonsense. Let's all just ignore him and hope he goes away.

2 March 2011 at 09:12

nonamedufus said…

laughingmom: But then I'd have to listen to Helen Reddy and i don't know if I'm up for that.

2 March 2011 at 09:14

nonamedufus said…

Rachele: You got it in one. Charlie may be the train but the media's the conductor (heavy, eh?) steering as best they can to derail this moron. Great ratings, though!

2 March 2011 at 09:15

junebug said…

My favorite line was "see me throwing up on my toes". Love it!

Oh, Christmas came early for me last night when he started tweeting. He is the present that keeps on giving.

2 March 2011 at 09:29

Anonymous said…

This was brilliant!

"Like La-Lohan, I'm a bore"

*SNORT*

I love it! LMBO!

2 March 2011 at 09:35

Unknown said…

Oh, bravo, Dufus! That was wonderful! And hysterical.

Most gorgeous line: "And I've been down there on the floor
Hurling internal organs like my spleen" -- Beautiful!

2 March 2011 at 09:56

Unknown said…

Ah, dear Dufus, only you could do a proper song parody for this very specific situation. I salute you!

2 March 2011 at 09:58

nonamedufus said…

junebug: Those tweets will be pearls...not. Ha, ha.

2 March 2011 at 10:05

nonamedufus said…

Quirks: What the hell makes these people think they're so important and we actually care what they think? He's a rock star from Mars alright.

2 March 2011 at 10:06

nonamedufus said…

Margaret: Sheen, spleen. You work with what you got. Glad you enjoyed it.

2 March 2011 at 10:07

nonamedufus said…

Jenn: Shucks, now my head's getting all big. Next I'll be saying things like "I'm on a drug. It's called nonamedufus".

2 March 2011 at 10:08

Travis said…

I have absolutely no idea what the original song sounded like. However, I love your version. Come on by my place, I pitched him a movie idea.

http://bit.ly/emoeui

2 March 2011 at 10:35

nonamedufus said…

Travis: The song really sucked. Kinda like Charlie Sheen. I guess they were kinda made for each other.

2 March 2011 at 10:58

Christy said…

Wow. Well written! Great post.

2 March 2011 at 11:10

injaynesworld said…

Put Courtney Love in drag and that has Grammy written all over it! Wait a minute, Courtney Love and drag is kind of redundant, isn't it.

Bravo!

2 March 2011 at 12:31

nonamedufus said…

Christy: Wow, thanks!

2 March 2011 at 13:19

nonamedufus said…

injaynesworld: I guess it would be but I like what you're going for.

2 March 2011 at 13:20

The Absence of Alternatives said…

This is awesome. No. This is beyond awesome.

Radical! ^_^

I need to go find the Karaoke version of the song so I can sing to the melody with your lyrics.

2 March 2011 at 13:55

nonamedufus said…

AofA: I'm glad you enjoyed it. I can't help but think I'll soon be doing a parody of "The End" by the Doors.

2 March 2011 at 14:46

Jen said…

I am ashamed to admit that I have loved every minute of this, and your song is awesome (Winning!). But, I woke up this morning and though I might have had enough, and then his kids got taken away and my whole day was out of whack because I was late getting in the shower and now I just want him to schedule some of these episodes. I haven't even started following his tweets....though, of course, I will.

2 March 2011 at 14:58

HumorSmith said…

Well played my friend, well played. Maybe if he gets a Charlie Horse he'll ride off to roundup rehab.

2 March 2011 at 14:58

nonamedufus said…

Jenn: It has been fascinating but let' face it we all have better things to do in our own lives than worry about when Charlie Sheen's gonna self-implode. Although, you might want to set some time aside this Friday!

2 March 2011 at 15:07

nonamedufus said…

HuorSmith: On the contrary, I think he's headed for that big randy hooker rodeo in the sky.

2 March 2011 at 15:10

Jane Gassner said…

Really, we ought to pay him for all the grist he's giving our mills....

2 March 2011 at 15:10

nonamedufus said…

Jane: Oh, yeah, like he needs more than the fortune he's (was) making now.

2 March 2011 at 15:16

Linda said…

I have been amazed at the things I've heard him say in the interviews. I had no idea about any of this until a few days ago, and am one of the few who have never seen his show. I hope things turn around for him, but only people who want to change, can change.

2 March 2011 at 15:18

nonamedufus said…

Linda: Personally, I found his show quite funny. But now that his private life is playing out in public as though it were an extension of his sitcom I find it all too weird. It's simply not as funny.

2 March 2011 at 16:34

00dozo said…

I saw a 30-second preview for the interview last night and that's about all I wanted to see of Charlie.

Great post - fun lyrics! Um, but the pic almost looks like a wasted Barry Manilow (Sorry Barry in case you are reading this).

;-)

2 March 2011 at 17:02

Unknown said…

Loved your version of the song. I'll never be able to listen to I Am Woman again.

2 March 2011 at 18:22

meleah rebeccah said…

I am LOVING your revised version of this song! Ahahhahahahahahahahhahahah!

I cringe every time Charlie Sheen opens his mouth - but you just can't make this up even if you wanted to!

2 March 2011 at 18:41

nonamedufus said…

00dozo: I watched the whole thing. My jaw's sore today from hitting the floor so many times last night.

2 March 2011 at 19:22

nonamedufus said…

Lauren: This is the only way I CAN listen to this song. I don't know what made me pick it.

2 March 2011 at 19:23

nonamedufus said…

meleah rebeccah: We can't make this stuff up...but he sure seems to be able to!

2 March 2011 at 19:25

Ferd said…

Ha!
That song was really great!
I hope Charlie gets to hear it someday! :-)

2 March 2011 at 21:59

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said…

I'm starting a pool: What day do you think Charlie will be found dead on his bedroom floor?

Good song, Dufus.

3 March 2011 at 02:24

nonamedufus said…

Ferd: He'd never sit still long enough to listen. He has one gear - "go".

3 March 2011 at 08:09

nonamedufus said…

MikeWJ: I'm pulling for Friday. The sooner the better.

3 March 2011 at 08:10

brookeamanda said…

Sadly, I had to close the night of the 20/20 interview and I missed it! But I LOVE your song parady of the whole situation. Bravo!

3 March 2011 at 11:46

nonamedufus said…

brookeamanda: You know I find I don't really want to watch this stuff. But then a part of me just can't look away. I don't want to miss the train when it goes off the track, you know?

3 March 2011 at 11:56

Bluezy said…

I think that anyone who follows into this paparazzi tv show circus is a bore. I decided to watch a blog video on him speaking with Howard Stern. He seems like a contemporary male with lots of money and does what he wants to. I can show you 25 Charlies that don't have money just up the road at the bar. Nobody wants to put them on the front page.
Charlie said he has Adonis DNA...testosterone and money...can make you into what ever the eff you want. He will burn out and possibly look worse. But he has his two goddesses to take care of him.

3 March 2011 at 20:33

nonamedufus said…

Bluezy: So you think his money and profile should make this interesting to us? Or at least to the slavering ratings-hungry media? He's gone from a sitcom to a "reality" show. At least the sitcom was funny.

3 March 2011 at 22:10

Anonymous said…

I'm actually thankful for guys like Charlie Sheen. I look like a pearl by way of comparison...

Most excellent lyrical composition, dufus.

4 March 2011 at 23:35

nonamedufus said…

Jamie: You've got a good point there. Ha, ha.

5 March 2011 at 05:44

Linda Medrano said…

Nicely done. I can't watch the man self-destruct, but you should be writing songs for Weird Al Yankovich!

5 March 2011 at 18:05

nonamedufus said…

Linda: Ha, ha...he's done so many great parodies. I'm glad you liked the song. I hope it's the last Sheen post I do. He's such an ass.

5 March 2011 at 22:12

Bluezy said…

I think that all the poop on any celebrity seems to be the thang that keeps them watching. I have to turn the effing channel, but somehow it is like a Svengali sensationalism.
It is unfortunate that any of us have to watch it. I see a lot of Lohan in myself. 80-90's partying...I think that really ruins the makeup. Thank goodness it was just my parents that reamed me for it and not the world. I personally think the if then want to get down and dirty with the personal and I commented this on the Hoff video the daughter did). Catch him taking a crap and we will all debate his grunting techniques and please tell us does his poop smell...

12 March 2011 at 00:36

nonamedufus said…

Bluezy: It's their "star" quotient that is responsible for the "TMZ/ET" interest. I noticed the same thing when Michael Jackson died. You're right. You've got to turn the channel. After getting a glimpse, I really don't want to know what these people are like in real life.

12 March 2011 at 04:37

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said…

I'm starting a pool: What day do you think Charlie will be found dead on his bedroom floor?

Good song, Dufus.

12 May 2011 at 15:10

Bluezy said…

I think that anyone who follows into this paparazzi tv show circus is a bore. I decided to watch a blog video on him speaking with Howard Stern. He seems like a contemporary male with lots of money and does what he wants to. I can show you 25 Charlies that don't have money just up the road at the bar. Nobody wants to put them on the front page.
Charlie said he has Adonis DNA...testosterone and money...can make you into what ever the eff you want. He will burn out and possibly look worse. But he has his two goddesses to take care of him.

12 May 2011 at 15:10

00dozo said…

I saw a 30-second preview for the interview last night and that's about all I wanted to see of Charlie.

Great post - fun lyrics! Um, but the pic almost looks like a wasted Barry Manilow (Sorry Barry in case you are reading this).

;-)

12 May 2011 at 15:10

meleah rebeccah said…

I am LOVING your revised version of this song! Ahahhahahahahahahahhahahah!

I cringe every time Charlie Sheen opens his mouth - but you just can't make this up even if you wanted to!

12 May 2011 at 15:10

Travis said…

I have absolutely no idea what the original song sounded like. However, I love your version. Come on by my place, I pitched him a movie idea.

http://bit.ly/emoeui

12 May 2011 at 15:10