Do You Want Pants With That?

What's going on at drive-thrus? You know, those time-saving devices where you can get fast food faster? Nothing says good food like an exhaust fume-laden cheese burger. Yum. Yum. But I digress.

A couple of weeks ago the case of a Nova Scotia wheel chair-bound man getting barred from Tim Horton's made the news. He made the news because he was barred from the drive-thru. Now to my mind, a guy on a motorized scooter and a drive-thru is a marriage made in heaven. What a great idea this guy had. Instead of struggling up steps or a ramp, through a pair of doors, down a narrow isle and at great risk of backing into other patrons to get his "double-double" the guy decided to go through the drive-thru. Not so fast physically disabled guy, said Tim Horton's, if you want that double-double you've gotta come in and get it. He's threatening to go to the Human Rights Commission over this and I say "You go, guy!"

Meanwhile, last week, at the other end of the country, police were looking for some naked guy who stole a lady's fries at a Wendy's drive-thru. Yep, you read that right. As the drive-thru attendant was handing the lady her order some guy, naked as a jaybird, sped between them, grabbed the fries and kept on, er, truckin'. Now this raises a number of questions, chief among them where did he come from? Was he out for a jog in the buff and got a hunger pang and thought "I know, I'll just run through the first drive-thru I see!" It was likely a prank as his buddy was waiting for him in a van in front of the restaurant.

While the first example makes me merely shake my head, the second makes me think the guy took the Burger King slogan a little too far (even though it was Wendy's). When they said "have it your way" they meant choice of condiments not clothing optional! And it strikes me they'll have to add "pants" to that sign "no shirt, no shoes, no service".

These Guys Are Doing It Wrong

The HBDC Virtual Tour Stops in Ottawa (2)

Welcome back to the second day of our tour of the capital of Canada, Ottawa. I've lived here for well over 40 years, so I know many of the highlights (and lowlifes) of both Ottawa and Gatineau. For example, when I was much younger I would cross the border to haunt some of the late night bars with other lowlifes on the Quebec side of the border in what, prior to amalgamation, was once known as Hull. Then they razed the bars and built office towers in which I worked in as an adult! Such is progress. For both the landscape and me!

HIGHLIGHTS
The Ottawa region is truly one of the most beautiful places on earth. The canal, bike paths and greenbelt (a ring of undeveloped land around the city) add to the natural majesty of the region. Museums, art galleries, world-class restaurants, an NHL team, the National Arts Center and blues, jazz and folk festivals provide just some of the options for entertainment.

In the region, there’s something for every season. In the spring it’s a magnificent display of tulips along the parkway next to the canal. Our tulip tradition started when the Dutch government gave Ottawa 100,000 tulip bulbs after the Second World War as thanks for offering safe haven to their exiled royal family. The Dutch didn't give us Canada geese but we have lots of those too!


In the summer, there are the ruins and gardens at Mackenzie King estates near Chelsea, Quebec. William Lyon Mackenzie King, Canada’s 10th prime minister, had a passion for architecture and gathered a collection of picturesque ruins from across Canada and abroad. He bequeathed his estate to the nation when he died. Mackenzie King was also highly eccentric and had another passion: communing with spirits, including those of Leonardo da Vinci, Sir Wilfred Laurier, his dead mother and several of his Irish Terrier dogs, all named Pat. Hard to imagine that this guy was Canada’s longest serving prime minister, not to mention the longest serving leader in the British Commonwealth. When they say he had a thing for spirits one wonders if they came from another world or a another bottle.

And in the fall, there’s the turning leaves in Gatineau Park, or a picturesque covered bridge in nearby Wakefield, Quebec.



OUT OF THE ORDINARY
There’s something else that Canada’s capital is famous for. Something that isn’t widely known. It’s the home of the Elvis Sighting Society. It's members apparently believe Elvis is still alive and lives in the cottage community of Tweed about 90 miles west of Ottawa. The Society resides at Moe Atallah’s Newport Restaurant in the city's west end. The Society is actually a charitable organization helping the less fortunate across the city. But the Newport is filled with Elvis photos and memorabilia and if you want a great “greasy spoon" breakfast - and for under $5 - the Newport is the place to go. In recognition of the Society and the Newport, the small lane behind the restaurant has been officially dubbed "Elvis Lives Lane" by Ottawa City Council. I think Moe missed a perfect opportunity in not naming his restaurant “A Hunka Hunka Burning Stove”!

And so concludes our little glimpse of where I live. And as we wave bye, bye to Bytown I leave you with this observation. It's unfortunate Mackenzie King died when he did. He would have loved being a member of the Elvis Sighting Society!

July 1 & 2 the HBDC virtual road trip hits Maine where Debbie Does Drivel has been waiting patiently to show you all around. Who knows, maybe she'll spring for some lobster ayuh!

The HBDC Virtual Road Trip Stops In Ottawa

Welcome to the latest stop on the Humor Bloggers Dot Com virtual road trip. It’s been a long haul getting here, beginning almost a month ago in the city we Canadians all love to hate – Toronto. Or, as the locals there say “Trawnta”. Check out the right-hand column over there to see where the tour has traveled thus far. and then, sit back, put your feet up. And for the next little while enjoy the sights associated with the jewel of our nation, its capital.

The National Capital Region includes Ottawa, Ontario - Canada’s capital - and neighbouring Gatineau on the Quebec side of the Ottawa River. I live in western Gatineau in a community known as Aylmer, a stone’s throw from Parliament Hill, the seat of government. They call it the seat of government after the asses that run our country. And as for throwing stones, I’ve tried but the rocks I heave always fall short. But I digress.

Aylmer is a microcosm of our nation where Francophones (60%) and Anglophones (40%) live in peace and harmony and in two languages. During the day Aylmer is a quiet, sleepy, bedroom community of the region best known for its network of bike paths, its many golf courses and its picturesque marina.

But at night the Anglophone population triples as young Ontarians pour across the border to imbibe until the bars and strip clubs close at 3 am. Or at least they sure did when I was young and living in Ontario.

HISTORY
The region was first populated by the Algonquin First Nation. Indeed, they’ve recently submitted a land claim to the federal government for the rights to the Ottawa River watershed. Good luck with that! When the Europeans happened on the scene in the early 1800s they turned the Gatineau and Ottawa Rivers into a booming timber transportation network, so Ottawa was initially a lumber town. In the 1830s Colonel John By and thousands of French Canadians and Irish immigrants completed the Rideau Canal – a secure water network from Kingston, Ontario to Montreal, Quebec which avoided the St. Lawrence Seaway and proximity to the Americans. The city where he settled was first called Bytown. Now just the Byward Market bears his name. Steps from Parliament Hill, the Market excels at local produce and trendy restaurants, bars and nightclubs.

The Canal the Colonel built is now known as the World’s Largest Skating Rink. Winnipeg, Manitoba - not content to be known for Portage and Main, the coldest intersection in the world - stole our title of “longest” skating rink last year, one we’d held since 1971. Now we call it the "largest" skating rink in the world 'cause ours is wider than Winnipeg's.

In 1857, Queen Victoria named Ottawa Canada’s capital after which Ottawa’s chief industry was forever changed to the manufacturing of red tape. In modern day, the federal bureaucracy has a run for its money with the hi-tech industry as the region’s largest employer. So much so, the region has been nicknamed “silicon valley north.” (Gee I didn’t realize Ottawa played a role in the development of breast implants.)

And on that point (pun intended) we'll take a break and resume our little tour of the Ottawa area tomorrow. Highlights include a tale of 2 Kings: a paranormal Prime Minister and the royalty of rock! Come on back, eh?

Sunday Funnies

*Note: Due to a technical glitch this post should have posted June 28th. Sorry for the inconvenience.

In a bit of a departure, this week Sunday Funnies takes a look at how the editorial cartoonists, over the years, treated the self-proclaimed King of Pop, Michael Jackson. Here's a bit of a different retrospective of Jackson, who died Thursday at the age of 50.

The Dangling Conversation

There's a debate underway in my household between my wife and I. I say "underway" because it hasn't quite reached the "raging" stage. If you want raging, my wife (a Francophone) and I (an Anglophone) from time to time (usually in a weak moment of my own making) slip into our number one discussion around why we don't speak more French at home - ergo - when am I, a former public servant who learned French at the expense of our gracious taxpayers and was technically rated bilingual (even though I hardly used it), going to improve my use of Canada's other language? This one never gets resolved, hence it's ongoing nature.


But the current debate is over a remark I casually made the other day. I'm no geek, but with a lot of time on my hands I surf the web, converse on Facebook and such and - I have to admit - "I'm nonamedufus and I'm a Twitterholic". In an epiphany-like moment I was struck by the apparent impact of social networking technology on our everyday lives and I said something to the effect that "Gee, do you ever stop and think that technology now defines us generationally more than age does?"


My point was that social networking technology crosses all ages from tweens to the blue rinse set. And, if you think about it, it kind of started with things like radio, followed by television, then colour television, the Internet, e-mails, Facebook and now Twitter. These things weren't confined to one age group but used by all.


The number of seniors who use Facebook, for example, continues to grow. Hell, they even have their own groups. The two I joined are called "I am too old for Facebook - But I Don't Care" and "Unlike 99.9% of the Facebook population, I was born in the 50s". But while Facebook wasn't invented by or intended for Senior Citizens, nevertheless its users cross all generations.


Now my wife's position in this discussion (notice I avoided the term "argument') is not contrary to mine. Rather it's tangential. (Now, you know why our arguments are ongoing - nobody ever remembers the original premise!) Her position is that social networking technology is really anti-social networking technology. Why? The advent of e-mail MySpace, Facebook, Twittering and texting has discouraged face-to-face discussion, chiefly, in addition to a deterioration of our youth's spelling abilities as they "txt" to their "bff"s and in many instances replaces accuracy with opinion.


All good points, with which I hasten to agree. But slightly off the mark from the original premise.


I think I'll e-mail her and let her know!

Gone Fishin'

I'm off for the wilds of near Northern Ontario for the next little while to get in a little fishin'. It's our annual trip to Lake Temagami and hopefully more than the mosquitos are biting. In the meantime, through the magic of post-dated articles, I've left a few humourous morsels for you. In particular, tune in Monday and Tuesday June 29th and 30th as the Humour Blogger Dot Com Virtual Tour rolls into Ottawa and I get to guide you around our nation's capital region. Mounties and tulips and politicians - oh my! In the meantime, Happy Canada Day and for my American friends Happy July 4th and I'll see you in a week or so.

When Celebrities Go Bad

The social networking phenomenon known as Twitter has its good side and bad side. The good side has been evident over the last several weeks as a social networking platform few know about has become basically the only way for protesting Iranians to let the rest of the world know just what is going on in their country - a country where the state has taken control of every other technology.

The dark side? That's exposed everytime celebrities tweet. Now remember twittering is limited by 140 characters of text. In the hands of many celebrities that's 140 characters too many!

We've all heard of Ashton Kutcher - Mr. Demi Moore - and his over one million followers. I admit I'm one of them but for the life of me following @aplusk is like watching Star Trek, where no intelligent life form exists.

Then there's Oprah. Just her name generates followers both on and off Twitter. An assistant periodically provides vapid comments in Oprah's name.

Shaq, the friendly giant basketballer tweets and on a daily basis demonstrates hus sub par IQ and illiteracy. Shudda stayed in school big guy.

GaryJBusey purports to be Gary Busey but his tweets are actually funny. Here's a couple...

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless

It's rumoured Jennifer Aniston broke up with John Mayer because he basically has a Twitter addiction. He is a prolific tweeter. Here's one of his...

I've been thinking about time travel a lot lately. You have "when" and "where". The when moves through the where, which stays still.

John's been working nights in the studio on a new album. Get some sleep John.

One of the most obnoxious celebrity tweeters is Kirstie Alley. Last week she sent roughly 40 tweets in an hour documenting her workout, or what she termed her "Tworkout". Isn't that cute? No wonder she has problems keeping followers...

who is up late for late chat with crazy bitch

YAY...FINALLY GET TO TALK TO YOU...WHEW..CRAZY FUN DAY...i missed you all so much...my new GIANT family..not like MANSON...lol

Dwight Howard is an all star basketball player who plays for the Orlando Magic. The Magic lost the championship in 5 games to the LA Lakers. What's on Howard's mind these days?

ok i wanna go on snl any ideas lol on wut i should do. or yall tell me some skits for my website

Petermansbdridge purports to be the well known Canadian broadcaster who delivers the nightly news on the CBC's The National. In reality it's some smart alec having him on. Here's one of his tweets from last week...

Looks like (he) made it! RT @scroll "happy birthday to Barry Manilow!"

If nothing else many of these tweets are entertaining. And whether you laugh with these celebrities or at them at least you laugh. But having followed these twits for some time now I can best sum up their impact by paraphrasing Mark Twain:

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool, than to tweet and remove all doubt.

US and Them #8

People are still talking about the Kung Fu-like reflexes President Obama displayed last week when, in the midst of a television interview, he delivered a fatal blow to a frisky fly. I for one admire the guy. The incident reminded me of a childhood reaction of mine and my buddies to annoying flies. We used to try and catch the buzzing buggers in our hands, shake our clenched fists and then watch them try to fly away with often times hilarious results. The trick to this is to actually catch the fly first and I never could. When I saw the video of Obama I yelled, “He da man, he da man!

I mean, how cool is that. The supreme leader of the free world has ninja-like moves that put Chuck Norris to shame. Right on. But the President’s predatory prowess didn’t sit well with everyone. PETA, those putzes for the ethical treatment of animals, condemned the President. In a news release they said:

“We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals,” PETA spokesman Bruce Friedrich said. “We believe that people, where they can be compassionate, should be, for all animals.”

To push their point they sent him something called a “Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher”. I tell you his moves sure wouldn’t have the same impact if Obama had to stop mid-way through the interview with an “Oh, excuse me, I have to set my bug catcher trap”.

What’s up with PETA? What have they got against Obama for killing a fly? His predecessor, after all, tortured humans and we didn’t hear from them then.

And Canadians must be high on their watch list. Hell, we swat mosquitoes like they’re going out of style, in the hopes that they’ll soon go out of style.

Here in Canada, our Prime Minister doesn’t quite have the moves, or the approval rating, of the American President. In fact he’s gone in a totally different direction. On the Prime Minister’s web site, Stephen Harper promotes every week the adoption of stray pets.

This week’s lol cat is a 6 year-old neutered male named, wait for it, "Mr Lovebug". You can bet Harper won’t be swatting that “bug”!