Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Summer - @Studio30Plus Writing Prompt

It was late July and Bob and Ray were forced to amuse themselves indoors because of yet another heavy rainstorm.

"The rain is falling down in buckets" said Bob. "Buckets?" said Ray. "I don't see any buckets. Why in hell do people say that. There's no buckets. It's like how people say it's raining cats and dogs. There are no cats or dogs in rain." "I'm not so sure" said Bob. "I once stepped in one hell of a poodle!" And they both snickered as Bob passed Ray the bowl of cheese doodles.

"Why do we say those things during a heavy rain" asked Ray. "You think those are bad" commented Bob. "In Argentina they say 'It's raining dung head-frost'" "That's pretty shitty"said Ray.

"And in Denmark that say 'It's raining cobbler boys'" said Bob to which Ray replied "Eyelet that one pass."

"Okay" said Bob "Moving right along to France, they often exclaim 'It's rainy like a pissing cow.'" "Oh, man" said Ray "I cud n't go out in that."

"Ha, well in Finland, according to my good friend Ziva" continued Bob "it's not unusual to hear someone say 'It's raining as from Esteri's ass'". "God, that blows" replied Ray.

"In Poland they say 'it's raining frogs'" said Bob "And in Brazil they say 'it's raining frogs' beards.'" "Boy, I'll bet you have to hop a lot to avoid stepping on them" sniggered Ray.

Ray popped another cheese doodle into his mouth, swallowed and then said to Bob "Say, how come it's rained so much this year. I don't remember it having rained this much in a long time".

"Well" said Bob as he elbowed Bob in the ribs and raised his eyebrows knowingly "summer like that and summer not."

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

I Laughed My Nervous Laughter - @Studio30Plus Writing Prompt

I don't know what got into me. Nachos with bacon, cheese and jalapeƱo peppers as an appetizer, the burrito special and four Coronas.

Throughout the night I'd paid the price for that dinner.  Or rather my wife had having to put up with my intestinal acrobatics.

The air was blue, given my poor wife's comments, not to mention the lingering smell from my hind quarter's activity. And it had been active. Very active.

I apologized profusely as I hopped into the bath and tried to relax a bit until the day got under way. But my insides were still in turmoil and this was demonstrated by the bubbles in the water. Did you know bubbles from farts still smell when they break the surface? Amazing, huh? Isn't science something?

I towelled off and got dressed. Orange juice, bacon and eggs for breakfast. I wisely decided to skip the coffee.

As I drove to work I noticed an emission problem and it wasn't my car. I immediately rolled down the windows, so as not to to be overpowered by the odour.

I stopped at an ATM as I was low in cash. I joined the line waiting to use the bank machine. I don't know what it was about the small enclosed space, maybe the dust triggered my allergies, and I could feel a sneeze coming on.

AH-AH-AH-CHOO I wailed but having let loose with the sneeze I lost all self control of my nether regions and simultaneously let go a rip-roaring good one. I broke the sound barrier without a plane, a real cheek flapper, a flame thrower, and I immediately thought of that Faulkner piece The Sound and The Fury.

As the people in front of me turned around to see who had been practicing the colonic calliope I turned too. I laughed my nervous laughter, pointed at the guy behind me and said, "Please, sir, show a little decency" and fled the ATM cubicle without my money.

The moral of the story: if you eat Mexican be ready to pay so.

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

It All Began To Fall Apart - @Studio30Plus Writing Prompt

Dr. Notverynice was quite pleased with himself. After three months of working day and night he was finally putting the finishing touches to his Whambam monster.

He'd used the finest parts, not always easily attainable but necessary, in order to build a top-notch destructive machine. His plans for world domination were falling into place. The creature was the missing link. He laughed to himself at his little joke.

He sat back and imagined Whambam being let loose to run amuck (not the get stuck in kind) among the streets of Pleasantown with citizens screaming in fear and attempting to escape the clutches of Whambam.

Dr. Notverynice had planned very carefully and his constructive efforts had been meticulous, right down to the three hundred mile extension cord need to power Whambam.

He plugged in the cord that would bring the menacing giant to life. The creature stirred. Its eyes slid open. It's arms quivered while its legs rattled.

Dr. Notverynice was thrilled. And with tears in his eyes screamed at his invention "Welcome to our world, my boy. Have I got plans for you."

Whambam sat up, turned and slipped off the table to stand upon the floor. He took three steps forward and slammed into the wall. He stepped back, turned, walked across the room only to slam into the other wall.

And that's when it all began to fall apart.

You see, in his haste to dominate the world with Whambam he had neglected to give the mechanical monster any optical equipment. The creature was blind as a bat.

"Damn" saud Dr. Notverynice. "I didn't see that coming."

Evidently, neither did Whambam.
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