What Do I Have For Breakfast While Reading My E-Mails?

Dear:

AhmedHassan

Azeem Igwedo

Joy Mgobo

Sarah Kamel (aka The Princess)

...and the 437 Other Esteemed Members Of My Spam Folder

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to correspond with me. I am very grateful you have picked me to offer among other things:

a) the winning e-mail address in your fictitious but multi-million dollar lottery

b) a larger penis

c) your hand in i)friendship, ii)marriage iii) an illicit long distance homosexual relationship

d) graphic design services

e) the latest post from moooooog (HOW DID HE GET IN HERE?)

f) a foreign partnership in exchange for my bank account number

g) unclaimed cheque at UPS

h) to close down my Yahoo e-mail account unless I supply all my personal information including password

i) waiting for my URGENT response

j) 50% of the life savings of some woman from Ireland who lives in Africa (or vice-versa) with ovarian cancer who has "two days to leave"

k) 23 year-old Miss Chistiana from Guinea, Bissau who would "really appreciate if we can click together as one great lovers"

l) close to 400 entreaties from Ouagadougou Burkina Faso West Africa, the spam factory capital of the world, each offering me millions of dollars in return for me helping them get their money out of the country.

I'm overwhelmed by your largess and offers of friendship and untold riches. Alas, I am married...to a woman...and have all the riches I need to be happy and content, including a reasonably sized penis. Or so I've been told.

So please, please you useless piece of pestilent poop (except you Moooooog) stop clogging up the interwebs, and my e-mail in baskets with your useless and time-wasting drivel.

And NO we can't still be friends.

Yours in spamness,

nonamedufus