Skip to main content

Slings And Arrows #3

By Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

“I’m Tiger Howitzer and you’re in the Perspiration Room.”

(sound of toilet flushing)

Voice off camera: “Five minutes Mr. Howitzer!”

“Geez, the acoustics in here are fabulous. I should do the show from here.”

I shouldn't have had the brocolli. Anybody got a toothpick?

“Today on the Perspiration Room…A bronze statue of Helen Keller was unveiled at the U.S. Capitol recently as lawmakers praised her as a trailblazer and an inspiration for those with disabilities. Let’s go to reporter Ivanna Humpewe”

“Thanks, Tiger. ‘Some are still dismissed and cast aside for nothing more than being less than perfect,’ Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, the Republican member from Kentucky said at the unveiling ceremony. But legislators here have cast Helen Keller in bronze.” Tiger…

“Thanks, Ivanna. You really had to hand it to Helen Keller, didn’t you, Ivanna?”

“Well, yes, Tiger, she was blind.”

“Okay, Ivanna, thanks for that report. I’m simply dumb-founded. Next on the Perspiration Room ‘Multiple Births’ and for that we go to CNN’s John ‘Don’t call me J.D.’ Roberts and this special report from Rocky Mountain House, Alberta.”

“Thanks, Tiger. The so-called Birthers movement which gained notoriety in the United States by questioning the birthplace of President Barack Obama has spread it’s legs to Canada. Roland von Britecruser, head of the “Birthers Unite Now Canada” has, for the past several months, been trying to prove that Stephen Harper is not a Canadian and so is prohibited by the Canadian Constitution to hold the office of Prime Minister. The effort has not gained much traction since there is no such constitutional prohibition in the country.”

“I pointed out this obvious flaw in his pursuit of Harper and von Britecruser, who runs Vonny’s Abattoir and Beauty Parlour in Rocky Mountain House, seemed crushed. He told me:”

“Well, I don’t know what to do now because deep down we all know he’s not for real with all that ten-gallon hat hot dog servin’ stuff at the Calgary Stampede.”

“Hey, maybe if Alberta separates from the rest of the country, then we can say he’s a separatist”

“J.D., erm, sorry, ah, John what does Mr von Britecruser intend to do now?”

“Well, Tiger, he says in addition to the Birthers Unite Now Canada association, or BUNC, he plans on creating the Alberta Says Secession Equals Safety group…or ASSES. Tiger?”

“Thanks, John. We’ll be back tomorrow with more burning issues on another edition of the Perspiration Room.”

Roland von Britecruser - head of ASSES

"Hey, hey, ho, ho
Stampedin' Stephen's got to go"


Anonymous said…
ASSES, indeed, all around. I thought the U.S. was the only one to have them. Sad to know they've emigrated their philosophy north.
Anonymous said…
Barack was born here on the planet earth?

I thought he was God, who came down to help us in our hour of need.

I guess I was wrong.

heh heh heh
nonamedufus said…
UR: Oh they've been bumming around for a long time.
nonamedufus said…
Quirks: You know I'd heard he'd been referred to as the Obamessiah. You've explained that to me. As Edward G. Robinson said in that epic movie, "Where's your Messiah, now?
Don said…
Nice. A picture of Wolf Blitzer doing his Mini-Me and Bill Clinton's brother. Wonderful.
nonamedufus said…
Don: Hey, no one said satire was pretty.
So Stephen Harper and Barack Obama grew up together in Africa! I knew it!
nonamedufus said…
MikeWJ: Alberta, maybe. Not so sure about Africa.

Popular posts from this blog

My Back Pages - October

Well, folks, I read seven (count 'em) seven books in October. One I didn't finish but even at that I hit the magic number 50 I estimated for myself by the end of the year. The six books I successfully waded through were, firstly, What Happened, Hillary Clinton's book on her bid for the Presidency. I''m a bit of a political junkie so I get off on this stuff but still it kinda struck me as one long whine over losing.
Next up was the excellent Canyon of Dreams: The Magic and Music of Laurel Canyon. Laurel Canyon was the fabled area outside of Los Angeles where many musicians and artists lived. Known as a 60s enclave, the book takes a look at just who lived there over the last 80 years. A fascinating read.
Next up was Lightfoot, a biography of Canadian folk singer Gordon Lightfoot. He may have been responsible for some iconic folk songs but he was also quite the womanizer and boozer. Enough said.
Then I read Dan Brown's new tome Origin, the fifth in the Robert Lan…

My Back Pages - November

I know, I know, I know I should have reported in before now. But sometimes real life just gets in the way. I attempted 5 books in November. I say attempted because I slapped a big DNF (did not finish) on Neal Stephenson's Cryptonomicon. I just can't seem to get into this guy. It's the second or third of his I've given up on,

Not so the other four, starting with a biography of Stephen Stills called Change Partners. This followed by a hilarious biography of the guy responsible for National Lampoon called A Stupid and Futile Gesture - How Doug Kenney and National Lampoon Changed Comedy Forever.

I ended the month reading yet another biography, this one of the man behind Rolling Stone magazine,. It was called Sticky Fingers: The Life and Times of Jann Wenner and Rolling Stone Magazine. A fascinating read.

So last month I hit the magic number 50 I'd imagined for myself back in January. If I roll this month into my yearly total I'm at 54 books. And I still have Decem…