That's Nuts

Oh my God!

I was so relieved to learn that a potentially serious international crisis has narrowly been averted. No, the Middle East peace talks weren’t about to blow up. And, no, Iran wasn’t about to launch it’s nuclear arsenal upon the world. And yes, Betty White’s still hangin’ on to life so she can appear in every second television commercial/sit-com and movie.

No, no I’m talking about something much more serious. Yep, you guessed it. Seems there was a horse chestnut shortage, about which I’m sure you heard. Oh, yeah. It almost wiped out the annual World Conker Championships.  ”The World Wha?” I hear you say. The World Conker Championships.

You know all about them being held October 10th at New Lodge Fields, near Oundle, Northamptonshire in Britain, right?

A couple of conkers

Now I was surprised to learn that this was an international event. It’s something I played as a pre-pubescent teenager. The gist of it was to find a good hard chestnut, drill a hole through it with a hammer and nail, tie a string or shoelace through it and then knock the shit out of your buddy’s chestnut.

This year’s competition will see 256 men and 64 “ladies” compete for the title of – just what title do they bestow upon the winner? World Conkerer?

This thing has been going strong for 46 years, although this year it almost folded because of a chestnut tree disease near the Conker Club’s headquarters. But Conker lovers came to the rescue sending in their chestnuts so that this year’s competition could proceed.

You know, I’d like to see this format in other arenas. Like maybe we should have had a conk-off between Obama and McCain to see which nut would have gone to the White House.

Maybe Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly could go at it to determine the biggest nut on cable TV. In their case it might be a draw.

A couple of nuts

Maybe Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson could go at it to determine the biggest nut in Hollywood.

You see where this could go? Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (or as I like to pronounce it “Iamanutjob”) vs. Hugo Chavez. Paris Hilton vs. Lindsey Lohan. The possibilities are endless.

I think this Conking Championship thingy should be expanded.

Because, as we all know, sometimes you fell like a nut and sometimes you don’t.

This post originally appeared at The Parody Files.