Skip to main content

That's Nuts

Oh my God!
I was so relieved to learn that a potentially serious international crisis has narrowly been averted. No, the Middle East peace talks weren’t about to blow up. And, no, Iran wasn’t about to launch it’s nuclear arsenal upon the world. And yes, Betty White’s still hangin’ on to life so she can appear in every second television commercial/sit-com and movie.
No, no I’m talking about something much more serious. Yep, you guessed it. Seems there was a horse chestnut shortage, about which I’m sure you heard. Oh, yeah. It almost wiped out the annual World Conker Championships.  ”The World Wha?” I hear you say. The World Conker Championships.
You know all about them being held October 10th at New Lodge Fields, near Oundle, Northamptonshire in Britain, right?
A couple of conkers
Now I was surprised to learn that this was an international event. It’s something I played as a pre-pubescent teenager. The gist of it was to find a good hard chestnut, drill a hole through it with a hammer and nail, tie a string or shoelace through it and then knock the shit out of your buddy’s chestnut.
This year’s competition will see 256 men and 64 “ladies” compete for the title of – just what title do they bestow upon the winner? World Conkerer?
This thing has been going strong for 46 years, although this year it almost folded because of a chestnut tree disease near the Conker Club’s headquarters. But Conker lovers came to the rescue sending in their chestnuts so that this year’s competition could proceed.
You know, I’d like to see this format in other arenas. Like maybe we should have had a conk-off between Obama and McCain to see which nut would have gone to the White House.
Maybe Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly could go at it to determine the biggest nut on cable TV. In their case it might be a draw.
A couple of nuts
Maybe Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson could go at it to determine the biggest nut in Hollywood.
You see where this could go? Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (or as I like to pronounce it “Iamanutjob”) vs. Hugo Chavez. Paris Hilton vs. Lindsey Lohan. The possibilities are endless.
I think this Conking Championship thingy should be expanded.
Because, as we all know, sometimes you fell like a nut and sometimes you don’t.
This post originally appeared at The Parody Files.


Gorilla Bananas said…
I have seen these conker fights and they're deadly serious. People treat their conkers with stiffening oils and dry them out until they're hard and wrinkly. You wouldn't enjoy getting conker-whipped unless you were a serious masochist.
nonamedufus said…
Gorilla Bananas: Sounds like pretty serious business...all over a nut.
Anonymous said…
Uhm, Nomie?

Have you gone conkers? Erm, I mean wonkers?


I say that you conkered this post in your usual way: fonny!


nonamedufus said…
Quirks: Conkerers. Yeah. Sometimes I amaze even myself.
fruey said…
Conkers, a sport to be defended. Cheating not allowed though. No baking, boiling, vinegar, varnish, none of that.
Linda Medrano said…
This has to be the nuttiest post I've read this morning. It's strangely fascinating though.
00dozo said…
Here I thought I was going nuts because the Blogger Dashboard is all weird and I thougt I already read this post (which I had at The Parody Files - it's still nutty).

Anyone else NOT like the new Dashboard layout?
00dozo said…
P.S. Happy Thanksgiving!
nonamedufus said…
fruey: You sound to be a serious conker. You're not "stringing" me along are you?
nonamedufus said…
Linda: Thank you. I guess I kinda came out of my shell on that one.
nonamedufus said…
00dozo: Haha, fooled ya. Yeah, I do that sometimes...share posts on different blogs. Now that you mentioned it I just noticed the new Dashboard layout. I don't use it much as a blog reader, so it really doesn't matter much to me.
nonamedufus said…
00dozo: Oh, yeah, I'm looking forward to turkey and my pumpkin pie!
Leeuna said…
Seriously? Grown people bustin' each others' nuts and they call it a sport? Sounds like a job for congress. Great post, as usual.
nonamedufus said…
Leeuna: What a sight! Can you imagine? A Congress Conk-Off!
Anonymous said…
Glenn Beck or Mel Gibson..... Damn. Tough choice.... Oh, those two aren't battling each other. Can they both be the winners of the Nut Award?
nonamedufus said…
Jules: Yeah, you've got it! Good choices.
You've come up with some amazing scenarios that I would love to see.

I gave you one of my weekly awards, which you can collect anytime you like.

Excellent fun read!
nonamedufus said…
EG: Golly, for me? Thats twice in a month! Cool. I'm glad you enjoyed my approach to solving the world's problems.
Sandra said…
Sounds like a plan to me. It would make for great reality tv as well.
nonamedufus said…
Sandra: William Shatner and Wlliam H Macy could co-host. They could call it William the Conkerers.
CatLadyLarew said…
We used to make conkers when Vlad was little... more mindless amusement!
nonamedufus said…
Boom-Boom: And free!

Popular posts from this blog

My Back Pages - November

I know, I know, I know I should have reported in before now. But sometimes real life just gets in the way. I attempted 5 books in November. I say attempted because I slapped a big DNF (did not finish) on Neal Stephenson's Cryptonomicon. I just can't seem to get into this guy. It's the second or third of his I've given up on,

Not so the other four, starting with a biography of Stephen Stills called Change Partners. This followed by a hilarious biography of the guy responsible for National Lampoon called A Stupid and Futile Gesture - How Doug Kenney and National Lampoon Changed Comedy Forever.

I ended the month reading yet another biography, this one of the man behind Rolling Stone magazine,. It was called Sticky Fingers: The Life and Times of Jann Wenner and Rolling Stone Magazine. A fascinating read.

So last month I hit the magic number 50 I'd imagined for myself back in January. If I roll this month into my yearly total I'm at 54 books. And I still have Decem…

My Back Pages - October

Well, folks, I read seven (count 'em) seven books in October. One I didn't finish but even at that I hit the magic number 50 I estimated for myself by the end of the year. The six books I successfully waded through were, firstly, What Happened, Hillary Clinton's book on her bid for the Presidency. I''m a bit of a political junkie so I get off on this stuff but still it kinda struck me as one long whine over losing.
Next up was the excellent Canyon of Dreams: The Magic and Music of Laurel Canyon. Laurel Canyon was the fabled area outside of Los Angeles where many musicians and artists lived. Known as a 60s enclave, the book takes a look at just who lived there over the last 80 years. A fascinating read.
Next up was Lightfoot, a biography of Canadian folk singer Gordon Lightfoot. He may have been responsible for some iconic folk songs but he was also quite the womanizer and boozer. Enough said.
Then I read Dan Brown's new tome Origin, the fifth in the Robert Lan…