Tuesday, 4 February 2014

30M2DW III - Day 4


When Hell Freezes Over

I awoke with a start. I would have preferred to have awoken with a woman - a lithe, busty blonde if truth be known - but my love life was a little on the downside at the moment; too busy solving near unsolvable cases to spend much time with the opposite sex. Well, or the same sex for that matter but that's just not how I roll.

So, yeah, I awoke with a start. Which beats a finish because that sounds too much like a fatal morning heart attack, doesn't it. And in that case I wouldn't wake up at all.

So it was with a start that I woke up - that's settled. I looked around my empty one-room apartment. Beer bottles, books and CDs lay scattered on the floor. It's not that someone had broken in and rifled through my collection of each. I'm just a lousy housekeeper who can't pick up after himself.

I'd returned to my one-room hovel after running into all my detective pals at Rover's Rump, my neighbourhood pub, and had settled in to watch the big game. But, as Toronto mayor Rob Ford likes to say "I must have been in a drunken stupor" because I vaguely remember throwing everything I could get my hands on at the television from about the end of the first quarter on. Last time I bet on the Broncos.

It was the phone. The phone had woken me. Not it's ringing. No it was the handset knocking on my forehead. I squinted and looked up and there was my Captain rapping me on the forehead with my phone.

"What the f…" I started to say.

"C'mon, get outta that bed. Get some coffee and breakfast in ya. You've been on a 3-day bender and it's time to straighten up and get back on the case."

But I had been on the case. I was gathering information from my snitches and fellow P.I.s at Rover's Rump for the past three days. Or, wait. Maybe I'd just been gathering Pabst Tests.

Captain Silver helped me up then poured me a cup of coffee. I know, eh. Silver. Not the best last name for a copper. But he was a great Captain. He understood and accepted my weaknesses because my strengths outweighed them. And I came through in the clinches. In the metaphorical sense. Because if someone clinched me they well might squish me to death.

"Captain, thanks," I said as he passed me the cup of Joe - not to be confused with Joe the barkeep who's real name was Paddy.

"I haven't made much progress on the Three Amigos case" I said, "and if that weren't bad enough my snitch was shot sitting right beside me at Rover's Rump."

"I know" said Silver. "I scouted out the bar after the shooting." Looks like the same work as the Amigos; same calibre gun. But at the moment that's all we've got to go on."

"Now I want you up, clear-headed, and back on the case. Like I tell the Commissioner, we've Gouda break the case." But I've gotta go now. Catch ya later. Hi-yo" said Silver, "away."

God that annoyed me when he did that. I suppose he thought it was funny for some reason. I never got it. And the day I did would be the day when hell freezes over.

Tune in tomorrow, same time, same blog, for the continuing adventures of Inspector Jack Gouda. This was instalment 4 of We Work For Cheese's 28 day writing challenge. The next time I compete in this challenge will be when hell freezes over.

32 comments:

ReformingGeek said...

Uh oh, a silver copper. Is the Commissioner named "Gold"?

Laughing Mom said...

I love the copper named silver, that makes perfect cents.

nonamedufus said...

Damn, I wish I'd thought of that.

nonamedufus said...

And if he were from Texas he might be the lone Ranger.

frankleemeidere said...

I'm a big fan of that opening line.


Regarding Silver -- I'd considered a story years ago about a constable named Constable. Then on the TV show In Plain Sight there was a US marshal named Marshal. (That was a great show, by the way. Not so keen on it when Mary had the baby -- but then I never care for the baby addition in TV shows.)

meleahrebeccah said...

Nice cliffhanger! I can't wait to find out what happens next!

Cheryl P. said...

Dufus, I am loving this...hysterical!!!!

Nicky said...

Sigh. Wouldn't we all love to wake up next to a lithe, busty blonde...

I mean, way to go Dufus! A copper named Silver... you've added some great elements here.

Linda R. said...

I'm enjoying the tale of Jack Gouda, liberally sprinkled with humor and wit.

nonamedufus said...

I'm glad you're enjoying it. This'll make the next 24 episodes less painful.

nonamedufus said...

Brilliant's slightly above my pay grade but thanks, Katherine.

nonamedufus said...

Where would it end Frank? A doctor named Doctor, a nurse named Nurse, a posthole digger named… well maybe it would end there.

Paula Larew Wooters said...

Well I, for one, am glad I didn't awake with a Finnish this morning. (Ziva's great and all, but I don't roll that way, either.)

nonamedufus said...

That might just have put a Finnish to our friendship.

Margaret said...

I was gonna make some joke about how you took 3 paragraphs to establish how you woke up, but I was too busy laughing. Then I was make another joke having something to do with you being a private dick, but you scare me with your puns.

KZ said...

Dear God, you've laid out so many wrong turns and comedic traps this time. That was an absurd, though highly enjoyable read.

Ziva said...

Dammit, Boom Boom, you stole my joke. Also, are you sure you don't roll that way...? I had a friend say that exact thing, but after a night of martinis with me, she rolled every which way and then some.

Ziva said...

If you ever want to wake up with a Finnish, you know where to find me, handsome.

Paula Larew Wooters said...

Well, then, I guess it's just as well I don't roll that way. I'd hate to have a Finn come between us. (Uh oh... MikeWJ's going to have a heyday with that one.)

Paula Larew Wooters said...

Are you propositioning me, Ziva? Now Nicky's going to be really pissed at me.

nonamedufus said...

Well, thank you. It was an enjoyable write, too.

nonamedufus said...

We have more puns per paragraph than anywhere else, Margaret.

nonamedufus said...

For you Ziva maybe we'll make an exception.

nonamedufus said...

I'm seeing it now: Boom Boom, Ziva and Nciky…oh my.

nonamedufus said...

What one? You said a Finn.

nonamedufus said...

Well in a general sense, year. Cross the Atlantic and turn left. Beyond that I may need a little help.

meleahrebeccah said...

:)

MalisaHargrove said...

"Silver. Not the best last name for a copper."
"He understood and accepted my weaknesses because my strengths outweighed them."

Those two lines especially cracked me up. Your writing is also so much fun to read. You are quite the dick. Detective, that is.

nonamedufus said...

It gives me great joy that you like reading my stuff. Your image of me gives me great joy too.

nonamedufus said...

I was feeling a little like the Man of La Manch... To dream the impossible dream...

P.J. said...

Had to slip a Gouda in there, eh? And for the record, how did the Captain get in the apartment? Kind of creepy.

nonamedufus said...

He picked the lock. Hey, he made Captain for a reason.

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