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30 Minus 2 Days of Writing III - Day 1


Gouda

It was cold and the rain was coming down in buckets. The fact that it was dark didn't help matters. Unfortunately it made it difficult to spot the buckets.

I stepped across the threshold and into the It's On The House pub. I shook the rain from my coat like a wet lab, apologizing to the couple at the closest table.

It's On The House wasn't really the name of this joint. It was actually called Rover's Rump. I called it On The House because the barkeep served me free beer. It's part of what one comes to expect when you're a hard-boiled homicide cop like me. Although, I'm not sure why people call cops like me hard-boiled. I mean if I were an egg, I'd still crack, right? Although I have been known to crack myself up from time to time. I guess it just goes with the territory, like those free drinks.

"Hey, Inspector, how's it going?" said Joe the barkeep. Have you ever noticed that all the best barkeeps are named Joe?

"Set 'em up Joe. It's not fit for man or beast out there and I'm as thirsty as a Foreign Legion cadet on a 7 day march."

"I keep telling you my name's Paddy not Joe," said Joe as he poured me a Pabst with a whiskey chaser - a little concoction I'd come to affectionately call the Pabst Test because, lord knows, after a few it tested my sobriety.

I'm sorry. I don't think I formally introduced myself yet. I'm an Inspector working out of the Cheese Shop. It's not really the Cheese Shop. That's just what we call police HQ because it's on the edge of town. Yeah, that's right…it's whey out there. We must be the only police department in the world who can't say "Okay, we're taking you downtown".

And I'm Jack Gouda. Inspector Jack Gouda.

"So, Jack, how's tricks?" says Joe.

"I'll tell you in my own sweet time," I says.

Says Joe, who isn't Joe, with a somewhat absurdist look on his face, "Then I guess I'll be waiting for Gouda."

So this is part one of a twenty-eight part serial throughout the month of February. I'm a big fan of hard-boiled detectives and crime fiction so I decided to try my hand at my own little tale. This is how I intend to address the month's daily prompts as dreamed up by Nicky and Mike at We Work For Cheese. Get yourself on over there and check out the links to see how the rest of those poor bastards covered off today's prompt. Oh, and, hey, don't forget to come back tomorrow for Part II of our continuing story. Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? Oh, wait, that's a whole other story.


Comments

Shawn Ohara said…
Will Jack win the girl? Will he nab the criminal? Tune in tomorrow, same bat time same bat channel!

Great idea!!
nonamedufus said…
Thanks, Shawn. This instalment's a little cheesy, I know.
Cadeaux said…
Whey to go on the first one. :)
nonamedufus said…
Pretty gouda, eh.
Nicky said…
This is great, dufus! Well, the first 5 1/2 paragraphs were great but I kinda got hung up at the Pabst Test. Ewwwww.
This is absolutely fabulous! Of course you've totally screwed up what I was planning on doing for this latest 30M2DoW challenge. Damn you! Way to gouda an idea.
babs (beetle) said…
I'm looking forward to reading this each day :)
nonamedufus said…
Hey, it's just a play on words. I didn't think Bud Light Test or Miller Test would work.
nonamedufus said…
How did I screw up your plans, Paula? Turns out FrankLee MeiDere's doing a detective series too. That copycat.
Laughing Mom said…
I loved this! Looking forward to each installment. Fantastic idea! Far better than 28 days of song lyrics!
nonamedufus said…
Hey, I loved your Prine parody the last time out. It made me come back for more everyday. Hopefully you'll come back here every day to see how my cheesy detective story proceeds.
Perhaps Jack Gouda can get some prints off of the ransom note I received. (Although it already has Nicky written all over it.) To be continued....
Cheryl P. said…
I was wondering how in the world you you get to "gouda" when I started reading that. Very clever, Dufus. I look forward to the upcoming adventures.
babs (beetle) said…
I'm sure I will :)
NathanaelV said…
Bravo Dufus, I like how you're going to do this challenge :) I'm staying tuned!
Linda R. said…
Very clever. I'll be eagerly awaiting the next installment.
nonamedufus said…
Well I'm sure if Frank and Jack put their heads together they can get to the bottom of this.
nonamedufus said…
Great! I look forward to your comments.
Jayne said…
How fun! I love this and look forward to reading the whole series. "...waiting for Gouda." BAHAHAHA!
nonamedufus said…
This tale will have more twists and turns than Chubby Checker.
nonamedufus said…
Thanks, Nathanael. I "detect" some interest then.
nonamedufus said…
I hope you won't be disappointed, Linda.
nonamedufus said…
Oh, I'm glad you got that Jayne. It was the absurdist look on the bartender's face, wasn't it, that clued you in.
Screaming Me-Me said…
Sweet Gouda! This is going to be an awesome series.
nonamedufus said…
Sweet Gouda? Is that the best you can do? I would have said Sweet Chesses. But, hey, that's just me.
ReformingGeek said…
I came here for puns and I got'm. Hee Hee. Good one!
nonamedufus said…
You know me too well, Reffie.
MalisaHargrove said…
This detective story makes me want to double dip in that big pot of cheese! This Longhorn (not really, I'm a Red Raider) is loving your cheesy tale.
nonamedufus said…
Well today's prompt may be gouda but I think you'll find all of my posts will be kinda cheesy.
KZ said…
I came here looking for your signature word play and comedic, and you did not disappoint. I am both amused and intrigued. Bring on the rest of February. :)
nonamedufus said…
Are you sure you came to the right blog? You are very kind KZ.
Lauren said…
I loved this: "I keep telling you my name's Paddy not Joe," said Joe as he poured me a Pabst with a whiskey chaser - a little concoction I'd come to affectionately call the Pabst Test because, lord knows, after a few it tested my sobriety.


hahahaha! I think this challenge will test everyone's sobriety.
nonamedufus said…
It's certainly tested what's left of mine, Lauren.
Ziva said…
Oh my, oh my, I can't wait to see what kind of adventures hard-boiled Gouda will have. Bring it on, Dufus.
nonamedufus said…
Ziva! You're back among the living. Glad to hear it. And I'll be looking forward to reading your stuff each day.
Ziva said…
Each day? As in, every day? Given the fact that I don't have a single thing written, I'd recommend you don't hold your breath. ;)
nonamedufus said…
Alcohol will do that to a person I'm told.
Margaret said…
Waiting for Gouda?? Ack! OK, that was a good one.
mikewjattoomanymornings said…
Noir humor. Highly unusual. And well done, too, NoName.
The line "And I'm Jack Gouda. Inspector Jack Gouda." made me laugh out loud... that was AWESOME! This was a wonderful cheesy tale that drew me in immediately!
nonamedufus said…
Cheese can do that. They say it's binding.
meleahrebeccah said…
Oh! I loved this story! Well done, John!!
nonamedufus said…
Thanks, Meleah. Much more to come. 27 more days actually.
P.J. said…
Mmmm, Gouda. Seems like a rough-neck sort of cop. Hope none of those buckets hit you while it was raining. Good idea for the month...
nonamedufus said…
P.J., you've gotta catch up. Inspector Gouda managed to duck the buckets and lived to sleuth another day… um, actually 12 other days.

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