The Jim Carey Meme

Last week I was zipping around the internet, searching for something to write about, when I came upon an article about Jim Carey. You know of The Mask, Ace Ventura and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind fame? Yeah that Jim Carey. Any way, did you know Carey's career is going to hell in a hand basket? Oh, yeah. According to this article instead of his big-screen career he's focussing on some home-made video he's made in his basement in which he proclaims his undying love for Emma Stone. "Who?" you say. Yeah, me too. So I googled her.

Turns out she's been in some movies, one of which I saw - Zombieland. Oh, and she's 22. Oh, and Jim Carey's 49. Yeah, exactly. Eww...creepy.

And if the thought of that's creepy you ain't seen nothin' yet. Here's the link to his video.

But to spare you from losing two minutes of your life you'll never get back here's the transcript:

Jim Carrey’s desperate message to Emma Stone

I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re all the way beautiful. Not just pretty but, you know, smart and kindhearted. And if I were a lot younger, I would marry you, and we would have chubby little freckled-faced kids.

We’d laugh all day long and go camping and play Yahtzee and tell ghost stories by the fire. And the sex?(Stares into the distance imagining all kinds of lewd, creepy scenarios involving food, fur and who knows what else.)

Every day, for the rest of your life, you would thank God that I was the appropriate age for you. But I’m not. I’m 49. I have lines on my face, sometimes a little gray in my beard, and it takes me a little longer to pee than it used to. Those are the only discernible signs of aging that I can find so far.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how I felt. You’re pretty special, and I wish you continued success and artistic fulfillment, but most of all, I wish you love and contentment. That’s all.

What do you think? Has Carey gone cuckoo for Crazy Puffs?

Well, no sooner had I read this article when I came across a post from Cardiogirl (she works out you know) who was participating in a Jim Carey meme (and I nicked the above transcipt from her website). Yeah, except her hilarious love letter was to Paxil.

So this got me thinking. Who did I secretly pine for? And if I could, just what would I want to say to them to, you know, express my affection.

nonamedufus's desperate message to William Shatner

I just wanted you to know that I have been following your career since the early days and let me tell you I think you are a wonderful actor, so full of enterprise. Your role as Captain Kirk captivated me. It must have been your training as a Shakesperian thespian at Stratford in the 50s. If I were a lot younger I never would have heard of you, nor have had the courage to express my feelings for you now.

The TV series Star Trek was great, but don't you think those movies got a little tiresome after the third one. I really liked the re-make recently. Too bad you couldn't have been in that one. But then, you're kinda old and I don't think the uniform would have fit you anymore. (Stares into the distance, the final frontier, if you will, and considers how exceedingly more popular the succeeding spin-offs without William Shatner were.)

I watched you in T.J. Hooker but I have to say I was more interested in Heather Locklear. Sorry. But she was really hot. And I thought Shit My Dad Says was hilarious. You were really funny in that. Sorry it got cancelled. I've seen all the episodes of your talk show Shatner's Raw Nerve. I enjoy your easy style of interviewing has-beens such as Henry Wrinkler, Mackenzie Phillips and Drew Carey.

Every day for all your life I thank God that you have been able to find a toupee for every occasion and that you did boldly go where no Canadian has gone before...or since. (Well, maybe with the exception of Lorne Green on Bonanza.)

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how I felt. Dammit, Jim, you're pretty...special, and I wish you continued success and artistic fulfillment, but most of all I hope you live long and prosper.