Jim Carrey’s desperate message to Emma Stone
I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re all the way beautiful. Not just pretty but, you know, smart and kindhearted. And if I were a lot younger, I would marry you, and we would have chubby little freckled-faced kids.
We’d laugh all day long and go camping and play Yahtzee and tell ghost stories by the fire. And the sex?(Stares into the distance imagining all kinds of lewd, creepy scenarios involving food, fur and who knows what else.)
Every day, for the rest of your life, you would thank God that I was the appropriate age for you. But I’m not. I’m 49. I have lines on my face, sometimes a little gray in my beard, and it takes me a little longer to pee than it used to. Those are the only discernible signs of aging that I can find so far.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how I felt. You’re pretty special, and I wish you continued success and artistic fulfillment, but most of all, I wish you love and contentment. That’s all.