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Dufus Is Dead

A dufus stunt-double has been employed for this role.

Well almost. Let me explain. And to do so I have to go back to Saturday in order to share with you my little tale of woe...and physical exhaustion.

The day started well enough. After I hacked away at the roots that had sprouted around me on the couch Saturday morning I got up, went out, and cut the lawn. Mrs. D was good enough to go do the grocery shopping. I usually do the groceries Fridays, but last Friday I had a golf game. I know. Tough choice, right? Sorry. This story actually goes back to last Friday, then, doesn't it.

Now you have to understand our house sits on an acre of land. So when you cut the lawn, even using a lawn tractor, it's quite a job. The neighbourhood is gorgeous, many of the homes being built in the 70s and now, of course, have luscious hedges and mature trees. That was one of the selling features for us when we bought our house. No one wants to be surrounded by a bunch of immature trees. I mean, really.

The trade off for living in such beauty and solitude is we depend on a well for our water and a septic tank for our, er, um, waste. Of course every couple of years the septic tank needs emptying. (It's amazing how much, um, ah, "waste" two people can produce in such a short period of time. Man we are healthy, my friends!)

So there I am Saturday morning, fresh as a daisy, not, after an hour or so of riding the big red fella (not a euphemism) and I think "Hell that septic tank guy's coming Tuesday. I better dig that bloody hole to access the lid." In retrospect I seem to have had an unhealthy amount of enthusiasm. This from a guy whose idea of exercise is the walk from the couch to the refrigerator. And on a good day back to the couch.

Now I pride myself on being smart. Not smart educational so much - although I have one - as devising little things that help me out around the house. Since we get the septic tank emptied every two years, the grass grows back on the patch of dirt erasing the precise location where the lid is. Well, I placed a big stone in the grass at the corner of the sport where the hole has to be dug.

So I find the stone and start digging...and digging...and digging. I stop for a rest and a glass of water...twice. And then I resume my digging...and digging...and digging. Now I didn't have to dig very deep because the top of the tank is only a foot or so underground. I find the tank okay. But damned if I can find the lid. When I do find an edge of it I realize I've spent almost an hour digging in the wrong direction. So instead of digging right of that damn stone, I should have been digging left. You know I had an uneasy feeling when I couldn't find the lid. Turns out I dug a frickin' hole 3 times bigger than I needed.

Mrs. D, back from the grocery store says to me, "Why did it take you so long dufus?" Despite being near collapsing from exhaustion and panting more than a bloodhound in heat - nearest to death as I've ever been - I reply politely, "It helps if you dig the right fuckin' hole!"

Ah, well. These things happen. As I age, more and more so it seems.

So I guess I've made my grave.

Now I have to lie in it.

Left: lid. Centre: unnecessary hole. Right: Dirt to cover me with.


Madge said…
That is some really nice grass Dufus, we couldn't do anything to make ours grow this year.
nonamedufus said…
We didn't do anything special, Madge. Keep in mind that's over our septic field. So it had the benefit of some natural, um, fertilizer.
Madge said…
Our lower lawn is over the drain field, so that grass is really nice, it's the upper that went to pot. We don't have to dig up our cover, it's conveniently located under the deck, really awesome when we're having friends over for w BBQ and the tank decides to burp.
Cheryl P. said…
Sorry for the extra workout you got digging over the wrong spot but the alternative of having your tank overflow would have really been shitty.

Nothing better than leach fields to make the grass grow.
quirkyloon said…
Oh Dufus! Always thinking ahead, eh? hee hee And I, like you, hate immature trees. They are so annoying and boy howdy they know how to push my buttons.

hee hee
nonamedufus said…
Well, there's a karma aspect to this. You're supposed to empty out your tank every two years. I pushed my luck and let it go three years. Serves me right I guess.
nonamedufus said…
Ewww. That sounds appetizing, Madge!
nonamedufus said…
I wondered if anyone would get that immature tree reference. Thanks, Quirks. I thought that was a good line. You know, when they shake their leaves all over my lawn - how immature! I mean, c'mon.
Jenn Thorson said…
Aw, and all that nice green turf gone, too... I can only imagine what you uttered when you realized what had happened.
00dozo said…
Ha! This reminded me of Erma Bombeck's book, "The Grass Is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank". In your case, not so much (I mean that the grass wasn't greener. You do have a nice lawn.)

Hmmm ... maybe you should spray paint a target over the lid for the next time. That, or put that rock over the centre of the lid. Or, maybe a GPS locator? Just sayin'. (I've been there, too, by the way.)

00dozo said…
I don't think I'd be firing up the BBQ so close to a burping septic tank. Would you?

nonamedufus said…
Oh there were a few expletives...and they weren't deleted. I actually saved most of the sod. So there's just a tiny patch of dirt.
nonamedufus said…
Oh, yeah. Imagine THAT explosion!
nonamedufus said…
I now have a stone at each of the top corners. Now let's hope next time, when I've got left and right nailed down, I remember to go down not up.
00dozo said…
I was just thinking of the same thing (about utilizing the 'heat')! I remember seeing a report on television some years ago about an engineer in Ontario who wanted to use the methane generated from sealed landfills as an alternative fuel source. That make a lot of sense, if you ask me. Hell, if I knew of, or had the access to, such technology, I'd use it here.

As for your rock placement, I'd think that placing them on the opposite corners of the lid would be your best bet. Then, at least, you'd know that the lid was somewhere in between and you wouldn't have to "stop and ask for directions"?

nonamedufus said…
Methane? Wasn't there a story not too long ago that cow farts were destroying the ozone?
00dozo said…
I heard about that, too. If you ask me, I'd think pigs produce more methane than cows considering what they are fed, but I wouldn't want to light up around a large herd of them. Who knows, we may actually see pigs fly in our lifetime.

nonamedufus said…
Don't tell me what they are fed. I may never eat bacon again.
Boom Boom Larew said…
That does look suspiciously like a grave... just sayin'...
nonamedufus said…
That's funny. Remember Pet Sematary? Back in the day I could find the lid I used to tell people that's where I buried the cat.
Henry Stone said…
Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust.
It's too bad,
The septic tank,
nonamedufus said…
Yeah, if only it had been ashes. I watched the guy empty the tank and couldn't get rid of the smell all day.

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