C'mon guys. Reality check. Your ideal woman is some lithesome, not a hair out of place, terrifically made up, goddess who always when she catches your eye gives you this come hither look. I'm not sure what a come hither look is but I'm led to believe it's a good thing and during the mating ritual dance can lead to one coming hither and yon, you might say.
Where am I going with all this? Well, women possess certain, um, powers let's say and they use them to their best advantage over their male counterparts.
Don't believe me? Shame! A recent study of 3,000 British shoppers discovered 80 per cent of women have tried tossing their hair (always a good maneuver), holding eye contact (did I mention come hither), and giggling while haggling over price to get a good deal in the stores.
Well, this isn't fair. Why should women have all the fun...and good deals.
So listen up guys. In the interests of fairness and equality, here are a few tips for us when we're shopping. After all, we'd like to save money too on such essentials as shaving cream, snow tires and BBQs.
1. Assume the Captain Morgan stance. Caution: If not done correctly the saleswoman may think you're attempting to fart.
2. Arch an eyebrow or wink. Caution: Should not be employed on a fellow male salesperson. Unless you're into that kind of thing. And not that there's anything wrong with that.
3. Drop your car keys behind you. Caution: The idea is to give the saleswoman a nice view of your perfectly shaped man-butt NOT your butt crack. If you show your butt crack you may end up paying more.
4. Toss head to the left, letting hair shake sexily. Caution: Not good for folically-challenged males. Sales girl may think you have a nasty neurotic tic.
5. Lean in close to whisper softly as you dicker over price. Caution: Do not do this after having eaten a garlic-laden pastrami sandwich for lunch.
So there you have it. A man's guide to "sex appeal shopping". Why shouldn't guys flaunt what they've got and make the most of it. Although, truth be told I think guys don't have quite as much to work with as the fairer sex.
Nevertheless, be sure and look for our next article in this series, "How Men Can Move Beyond Internet Purchases."
Cutting it just won't cut it.
This post originally appeared in Studio 30 Plus' Magazine.