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Women Are Wicked...Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink

Stop me if you've heard this before. Women can be flirts. No, really? What was your first clue?

C'mon guys. Reality check. Your ideal woman is some lithesome, not a hair out of place, terrifically made up, goddess who always when she catches your eye gives you this come hither look. I'm not sure what a come hither look is but I'm led to believe it's a good thing and during the mating ritual dance can lead to one coming hither and yon, you might say.

Where am I going with all this? Well, women possess certain, um, powers let's say and they use them to their best advantage over their male counterparts.

Don't believe me? Shame! A recent study of 3,000 British shoppers discovered 80 per cent of women have tried tossing their hair (always a good maneuver), holding eye contact (did I mention come hither), and giggling while haggling over price to get a good deal in the stores.

Well, this isn't fair. Why should women have all the fun...and good deals.

So listen up guys. In the interests of fairness and equality, here are a few tips for us when we're shopping. After all, we'd like to save money too on such essentials as shaving cream, snow tires and BBQs.

1. Assume the Captain Morgan stance. Caution: If not done correctly the saleswoman may think you're attempting to fart.

2. Arch an eyebrow or wink. Caution: Should not be employed on a fellow male salesperson. Unless you're into that kind of thing. And not that there's anything wrong with that.

3. Drop your car keys behind you. Caution: The idea is to give the saleswoman a nice view of your perfectly shaped man-butt NOT your butt crack. If you show your butt crack you may end up paying more.

4. Toss head to the left, letting hair shake sexily. Caution: Not good for folically-challenged males. Sales girl may think you have a nasty neurotic tic.

5. Lean in close to whisper softly as you dicker over price. Caution: Do not do this after having eaten a garlic-laden pastrami sandwich for lunch.

So there you have it. A man's guide to "sex appeal shopping". Why shouldn't guys flaunt what they've got and make the most of it. Although, truth be told I think guys don't have quite as much to work with as the fairer sex.

Nevertheless, be sure and look for our next article in this series, "How Men Can Move Beyond Internet Purchases."

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Cutting it just won't cut it.

This post originally appeared in Studio 30 Plus' Magazine.

Comments

Love it! If I worked retail, I would so give any man a discount following your points!

(pushes chest out & tosses hair)
Boom Boom Larew said…
Will you come with me next time I go car shopping? I could use some of your manly help... in case my come hither look fails.
nonamedufus said…
AbsolutelyPrimed: That's the spirit. I'm glad I was so convincing.
nonamedufus said…
Boom Boom: Absolutely. I'm there. Although I haven't tested this theory on big-ticket items yet. But I could kick the tires and honk the horn so I look like I know what I'm doing.
Quirkyloon said…
SOLD!

Nice tips for the menchildren out there.

hee hee hee

Let's just hope they remember Butt crack? A big NO NO!

hee hee
Kelly said…
The Captain Morgan pose alone would earn a discount.

After I finished my hysterical guffaws.
nonamedufus said…
Quirks: Yeah, butt crack's a reall no-no.
nonamedufus said…
Kelly: It's quite a manly look, isn't it.
Linda Medrano said…
Oh for heaven sake, Dufus. These are all silly tricks that won't take the average man very far at all. Now I have a suggestion that is sure fire to work. Rolled up tube sock, strategically placed. Are you with me? Okay, now if you are particularly bold, use two rolled up tube socks! People will be so entranced that they will give you that discount without you even asking. Just be very careful about slippage. If it slips and makes you walk funny that can be interpreted as having a load in your britches or major hemmeroids and that's not an interesting look at all. You're welcome.
nonamedufus said…
Linda M: You know that really socks, Linda.
Mike said…
Nice try dood. Not going to work. She'll charge you with rape.

That's what us men get. Charged. Just not fair!
meleah rebeccah said…
Dufus, this cracked me up. I don't have ANY skills as a woman for getting better prices or deals in any stores. However, I have been able to charm my way out of speeding tickets!
nonamedufus said…
Mike: Ah, but you see that's the beauty of my recommendations. They only go so far and don't cross the line. (I thought.)
Deb said…
I forwarded this list to my plumber.
nonamedufus said…
meleah rebeccah: A-ha. Another area where women use their wiles. Given the speeding tickets I've received I know for a fact I have no wiles. And tossing my hair around just doesn't work. The cop called an ambulance because he thought I was having a seizure!
nonamedufus said…
Deb: Good move. Way to plunge right in there. heh,heh
Nicky said…
So, inquiring minds want to know...have you gotten any good deals lately Captain NoName? :-)
Brooke Amanda said…
If I was allowed to give men discounts for acting like that, I totally would.
nonamedufus said…
Nicky: Um, not as yet. But you gotta have faith.
nonamedufus said…
Brooke Amanda: Ok, I'll be right over. Uh, where are you? And, um, what do you sell?
LOTGK said…
Just last week my wife and I were at Home Depot for a ceiling fan. At the check out, the cashier asked me if there was anything else.

I replied, "No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night!"

The cashier looked at me funny like and than nervously over to my wife.

Patty, (My wife) nonchalantly said, "Yes, yes he did, but he keeps on finding his way home anyway."

The cashier laughed. However, upon inspection of the receipt, there was no discount.
00dozo said…
Egad! I've tried to post a comment umpteen times in the last two days and have been plagued by comment interruptus (vet appointment, business stuff but mostly loss of internet connection). So, I hope this finally gets posted (even though I can't remember what I going to say the first five times!).

Anyhow, short and sweet: Part of your post's title but mostly the pic reminded me of the 'Ministry of Silly Walks'.

*nudge, nudge, wink wink*

;-)
nonamedufus said…
LOTGK: Good effort! Be patient. These things come with time. Too bad your wife wasn't paying. With a line like that I'm sure she would have gotten a discount.
nonamedufus said…
00dozo: Know what you mean, know what you mean. Except in the case of the pic it'd be the Ministry of Silly Stances.
Joyce Lansky said…
Loved your post! I found you at the Humor Bloggers site and am following you . . . maybe I'll catch you in your male flirting act.

Joyce
http://joycelansky.blogspot.com
nonamedufus said…
Joyce: I'm really glad you dropped by. If you're looking for advice theres' no way you can use, then I'm your guy.
Kelly said…
The Captain Morgan pose alone would earn a discount.

After I finished my hysterical guffaws.
Mike said…
Nice try dood. Not going to work. She'll charge you with rape.

That's what us men get. Charged. Just not fair!
00dozo said…
Egad! I've tried to post a comment umpteen times in the last two days and have been plagued by comment interruptus (vet appointment, business stuff but mostly loss of internet connection). So, I hope this finally gets posted (even though I can't remember what I going to say the first five times!).

Anyhow, short and sweet: Part of your post's title but mostly the pic reminded me of the 'Ministry of Silly Walks'.

*nudge, nudge, wink wink*

;-)

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