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Facebook For Old Farts

It's a sign of too much time on my hands that I quietly cruise the tweets of Twitter and status updates of Facebook.

I don't even know why I do it.  All I come across are: 

- Georgina just found a magic bean on her farm

- Ivan is stocking up on supplies in FrontierVille

- Nancy needs treats to train her pet

- Sandy scored a bajillion in Bejeweled Blitz 

The names have been changed to protect the idiots…er…ah..innocent.

I have the following admonition on my Facebook home page:

" I don't care about your bloody farm, or your fish, or your park, or your mafia."

But of course it doesn't seem to work.  

Then there are the inane updates about  a 2 year-old's toothaches, being sad and having a headache, just walked my dog,  hubby's being cute again, so sad it's raining here, just gave my kitty some treats

People…get a life!  Like, you think I really care.  Why are these people even my "friends"?

But I'm going to get them back.  Yep.  I'm gonna start sending old fart updates and see how they like it.  That's right.  How about Facebook For Old Farts?  Has a nice ring to it.  So let's get started, shall we?  Here's my Top Ten:

1) "Got up seven times to pee last night."

2) "That asparagus I had for dinner gave me diarrhea."

3) "Just let the biggest fart ever rip while watching TV.  Wife not talking to me."

4) "Gosh, my pubes are itchy."

5) "Just trimmed my nose hairs."

6) "Found my car keys finally. Now just have to find car."

7) "Eww, I hate it when I throw up in my mouth."

8) "Backed up over the cat this morning.  Wife still not talking to me."

9) "Lord I hate when you pick a booger and it's stuck to your nose hairs."

10) "Oh, boy, you should have seen all the gunk I had stuck in my teeth before I flossed this morning."

There bejewelled, mafia, and farm aficionados.  How do you like them road apples?

This post originally appeared at Sound Off To America where it was quite a hit, so I thought I'd re-run it here.  Hope you enjoyed it.


K A B L O O E Y said…
Ha! And gross. Can't read about vomit without gagging, so thanks to you for that. Other bodily functions and excretions seem to be no problem for me. You should post that list to whomever writes the inanities in the first place. Or can't you do that with toots and tweets? I don't know how they work. (You're so savvy.) BTW: Love the new look.
nonamedufus said…
KABLOOEY: A toot is what comes out your bum. A tweet is on your computer. You don't want to mix the two up or savvy will be the least of your concerns.
00dozo said…
Ha! My sentiments, exactly! I don't really know what Twitter or Facebook is all about, nor do I care to know. Buch of twits.

Ha ha ha! Your No. 3 really cracked me up. Actually, they all did.
nonamedufus said…
00dozo: You know, of course, I made all those up. None of those things would happen to me. Really.
PattiKen said…
Ha. That'll teach 'em.
Anonymous said…
I was laughing til the "gunk in the teeth" statement.

Excuse me while I go floss!

hee hee
nonamedufus said…
PattiKen: I hope so!
nonamedufus said…
Quirks: I'm glad you enjoyed it Parsley Teeth.
Kelly said…

And what's with all those Deep Profound statements so many people post these days? Being someone with the depth of a spoon, I have a hard time not making a snarky comment back.
nonamedufus said…
Kelly: Do it, do it! Don't you just want to tell people to get their heads out of their asses sometimes?
Donnie said…
True, true and true! There's a couple of my true friends (girls) that load my pages with Farmville crap. I talked to one this morning via phone and told her I was going to block her. She insisted I get into Farmville...crazy.
nonamedufus said…
Don: You're welcome to jam up her newsfeed with a few nuggets from my Top Ten!
Jen said…
So you get old and your pubes itch? Why doesn't anyone tell us about these things?
nonamedufus said…
Jen: So I'm told. I'm just passing along what I've heard as a public (almost said pubic) service.
Either you will find yourself friendless on Facebook or be the next new sensation...Go for it!
nonamedufus said…
Lanita: Sounds like a win-win!
brookeamanda said…
Those were great status updates! I especially enjoyed the "Ew, I just threw up in my mouth!" I've started "hiding" people who excessivly do the Mafia Wars thing and makes me wonder how much time they are spending online?!
nonamedufus said…
brookeamanda: Oh, yeah, they must have more time to kill than I do. And that's a lot.
I just know you're talking about me!!! lol I'm a facebook tragic, but i only play one game .you know you can block the game feed without blocking the person from your wall ?
nonamedufus said…
IWBY: No, of course I wasn't talking about you. heh, heh, heh
Quirkyloon said…
I was laughing til the "gunk in the teeth" statement.

Excuse me while I go floss!

hee hee

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