Friday, June 4, 2010
BP Doesn't Want To Be Your Boogie Man
In a worldwide exclusive, our intrepid reporter nonamedufus has learned just how British Petroleum intends to successfully plug it's leaking oil well on the floor of the Gulf of Mexico.
BP, which most people believe stands for Big Problem Oil and Gas, has tried stemming the flow of oil with mud, cement and now golf balls. WTF? Yes, you read right - golf balls, even though there are many who feel the CEO of BP's balls should be used.
But now an outsider has stepped forward to offer up a solution. John Travolta, well-known American philanthropist, scientologist and thespian - and star of the oddly successful movie Saturday Night Fever - has offered to donate his dianetic disco dance record collection.
"Disco saved my life," said Travolta, "not to mention my career. Once I convinced the church to allow disco into their dianetic philosophy, my life was never the same. I guess you could say it really is responsible for me stayin' alive."
Few people know that Mr. Travolta has an extensive disco disc collection, estimated to be at over 100,000 records. "That amount of vinyl means tons of viscosity and that's just what BP is looking for to stem the tide of gushing oil" gushed Mr. Travolta.
BP's plan is to melt down the disco LPs, and jam the whole viscocitious mess into the leaking pipe, a plan which many say should have been put into action back in the 70s.
BP's CEO, Phil Thehole, explained the new technical approach, "I don't want to be your boogie man but everyone knows that disco sucks. If we do this right disco will suck the oil down to where it belongs. From the dance floor to the Gulf floor, disco sucks, man!"
The Bee Gees soundtrack to Saturday Night Fever will be the first to go, followed closely by it's sequel Stayin' Alive.
All Barry White songs will be melted down as will any song by Gloria Gaynor, the Hues Corporation, Chic, Van McCoy, Donna Summer and KC and the Sunshine Band.
Said Travolta when asked why he was donating his entire disco collection, "Cause that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it."
This post first appeared at The Parody Files