Thursday, 29 September 2011

Dufus Is Dead

A dufus stunt-double has been employed for this role.

Well almost. Let me explain. And to do so I have to go back to Saturday in order to share with you my little tale of woe...and physical exhaustion.

The day started well enough. After I hacked away at the roots that had sprouted around me on the couch Saturday morning I got up, went out, and cut the lawn. Mrs. D was good enough to go do the grocery shopping. I usually do the groceries Fridays, but last Friday I had a golf game. I know. Tough choice, right? Sorry. This story actually goes back to last Friday, then, doesn't it.

Now you have to understand our house sits on an acre of land. So when you cut the lawn, even using a lawn tractor, it's quite a job. The neighbourhood is gorgeous, many of the homes being built in the 70s and now, of course, have luscious hedges and mature trees. That was one of the selling features for us when we bought our house. No one wants to be surrounded by a bunch of immature trees. I mean, really.

The trade off for living in such beauty and solitude is we depend on a well for our water and a septic tank for our, er, um, waste. Of course every couple of years the septic tank needs emptying. (It's amazing how much, um, ah, "waste" two people can produce in such a short period of time. Man we are healthy, my friends!)

So there I am Saturday morning, fresh as a daisy, not, after an hour or so of riding the big red fella (not a euphemism) and I think "Hell that septic tank guy's coming Tuesday. I better dig that bloody hole to access the lid." In retrospect I seem to have had an unhealthy amount of enthusiasm. This from a guy whose idea of exercise is the walk from the couch to the refrigerator. And on a good day back to the couch.

Now I pride myself on being smart. Not smart educational so much - although I have one - as devising little things that help me out around the house. Since we get the septic tank emptied every two years, the grass grows back on the patch of dirt erasing the precise location where the lid is. Well, I placed a big stone in the grass at the corner of the sport where the hole has to be dug.

So I find the stone and start digging...and digging...and digging. I stop for a rest and a glass of water...twice. And then I resume my digging...and digging...and digging. Now I didn't have to dig very deep because the top of the tank is only a foot or so underground. I find the tank okay. But damned if I can find the lid. When I do find an edge of it I realize I've spent almost an hour digging in the wrong direction. So instead of digging right of that damn stone, I should have been digging left. You know I had an uneasy feeling when I couldn't find the lid. Turns out I dug a frickin' hole 3 times bigger than I needed.

Mrs. D, back from the grocery store says to me, "Why did it take you so long dufus?" Despite being near collapsing from exhaustion and panting more than a bloodhound in heat - nearest to death as I've ever been - I reply politely, "It helps if you dig the right fuckin' hole!"

Ah, well. These things happen. As I age, more and more so it seems.

So I guess I've made my grave.

Now I have to lie in it.

Left: lid. Centre: unnecessary hole. Right: Dirt to cover me with.



Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Pause Ponder and Pun #99


This kinda looks like what I spent last week doing - kissing ass over at Tribal Blogs in the hopes of winning their Extreme Blog Makeover contest.

Any way here's an interesting pic.

I'm not exactly sure just what this fellow is doing.

Not sure I envy him, either.

What about you? Thoughts?

I'm sure your captions will be out of sight.

Monday, 26 September 2011

They Got A Name For The Winners In The World And I Want A Name When I Lose

They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Dufus Blues

Damn right I've got the blues

That's right folks...your gentle blogger buddy lost in the Tribal Blogs Extreme Blog Makeover Contest. You heard about that satellite hurtling towards earth last week? Well, it fell right on me. Not only did I lose but I tied with that damn little cheese head, Nicky, my nasty nemesis. I couldn't even beat the little brie brat. But all's not fair in love or blog contests.

My hat's off to Salmon Like the Fish. She got off to a late start but I think her extolling people to vote for her on X Factor at the last minute pretty much sewed up her win. Even though Simon told Salmon he'd heard better on Karaoke Battle USA.

And to my fellow Canuck, Nicky, from We Work For Cheese here's to you girl. After dissing each other in countless comments on Facebook, on each other's blog, Twitter, Google+ and the CBC News Network who is left standing? Neither of us, I'm afraid. But it was all in good fun. She's one funny lady and a hell of a good sport. And our relationship has that unique je ne sais quoi that binds us together eternally: we still both have fairly crappy looking blogs.

Nicky lives in Montreal, you know. I'm not too far away in Aylmer Quebec, across the river from Ottawa. For you Americans Nicky and I are practically next door neighbours. Oh yeah. "Nicky, you got some parmesan I can borrow?"

But that's okay. I'm not bitter that I lost (pass another lime, please) I lost. Nor that Tribal Blogs got a mountain of free publicty. You see, each time Nicky and I dropped another one on each other we, of course, linked back to Tribal Blogs (damn, I just did it again.). And I think I speak for Nicky when I say neither of us is embarrassed after blathering and gushing like giddy school girls over Tribal Blogs founder Jennifer (known as Redhead Ranting) and "mod" Kelly (who goes by the handle of Cardiogirl) all over TB and up and down Facebook for the last week. Oh, sorry, Jen, once I saw the writing on the wall I cancelled that bulk shipment of pea meal bacon I was sending to you. Want a Tim-bit? Kelly, no chocolate for you!

I want to thank my faithful followers and the odd family member (Whitey is odd, isn't he?) for their votes. I appreciate your support.

And Nicky? Looks like that knockout pink sundress didn't work for either of us.

Nicky in her pink sundress. 
A picture of me in mine is not available at this time.

Saturday, 24 September 2011

Pause Ponder and Pirates


Well, well, well. Another week, another batch of excellent captions. It's been a rough week for me you know. I was one of three finalists in the Tribal Blog Extreme Makeover Contest and I spent the week dissing my competition and sucking up to the TB administrators. All for naught, I'm afraid. Yep, I lost. I was sure I was gonna win and I trumpeted my expectations here on this blog and up and down Facebook all week. Oh well. Pride goes before a fall, they say. And, boy did I fall.

But enough about that. Let's see who won, placed and showed in our little contest.

First up is one of my competitors in the blog makeover mud-fling fest:



And for those who have given up all hope of ever meeting their soulmate, 
there is Plenty Of Freaks dot com.



Ahmed couldn't remember who the skull belonged to but it was on the tip of his tongue.



You never want to be last in line at the cannibal buffet.
Whitey



I could have almost showcased all the submissions from our winner. She really let her captioning capacity run away with her. But here's what I thought was her best:



"Give me head" takes on a whole new meaning.


Way to go, Madge. You be hangin' with dufus this week. Now a caution. When I say "hangin' with dufus" I mean that metaphorically. Last week's winner, my brother Whitey, took me at my word and hopped in his car and drove all the way from COTU* just to hang out with me. I mean, if you're coming, Madge, warn me, eh. I'll need to make a run to the beer store.

Okay, kids, I'm out of here. I still have to write my makeover contest concession speech for Monday's blog. Thanks to all for playing. See ya all next week.

*Centre of the Universe = *spits* Toronto

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Blog Makeover Contest



Do not go gentle into that good blog makeover contest,
Old blogs should burn and rave at Nicky and Mike;
Rage, rage against the dying of politesse.

Though wise bloggers at their end know they are best,
Not Salmon Like The Fish or We Work For Cheese they
Do not go gentle into that good blog makeover contest.

Good bloggers, the last wave by, crying how bright
My punny words and funny pictures invoked laughter,
Rage, rage against the end of this fight.

Other contestants who caught and sang their praises in flight,
I learned, too late, they dissed dufus on their way,
Do not go gentle indeed they slight (me).

Brave words, near libelous, and flung with blinding might
Foul fish, stinky cheese like insults every day
They rage, rage against the dying of their slights.

And you, my readers, you're simply the best,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce votes, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good blog makeover contest
Vote, Vote for dufus. Isn't he the best?

With sincerest apologies to Dylan Thomas (and I do mean sincerest because I sure took significant liberties here with what otherwise is a terrific piece of literature.)




Well folks, this is it. The voting closes at 5pm eastern time Friday. I hope you've enjoyed the three-way smack down Nicky and Mike over at We Work for Cheese, Salmon from Salmon Like the Fish and I have engaged in on each others blogs, at Tribal Blogs on Twitter and on Facebook. I certainly had fun.

More to the point, though, I really hope you'll vote for me here today and again tomorrow to win this thing. Hey, I'm innit to winnit.

Oh, and thanks to all my good buds for playing along, voting, and having a chuckle or two. Regardless of who wins, it's been lots of fun.



"I'm nonamedufus and I approve this last-ditch effort to solicit votes that will win me the Tribal Blogs Extreme Blog Makeover."



Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Pause Ponder and Pun #98


Hmmm... Okay.

This is the best Ahmed could come up with to be his date to the prom.

Well, that's my take.

What's yours.

We'll dig up a winner Saturday.

***

Oh, and while you're dreaming up a caption take a minute and nip on over to Tribal Blogs where you can vote for me to have a $300 blog makeover. They'll dress me up and take me anywhere if I win so please, please, please (thank you James Brown) show the love and click in the circle next to my name, or my noname. Tell them dufus sent ya.

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

I've Got The Sizzle

Which would you prefer? A mouse-ravaged piece of stinky cheese...


Something you have to work awfully hard to catch, clean and cook



Or a deliciously grilled medium rare T-bone steak...and I'm talkin' sizzle, here


That's what I thought. You went with the steak, didn't you. (For vegetarians I'm willing to substitute a yummy slab of fried tofu.)

You may have heard I've entered a Blog Makeover Contest being sponsored by my good buds at Tribal Blogs. You haven't heard? Well I have...entered the contest. And of course I've heard. I'm in the contest, eh. And you know what? I need your vote.

There are three finalists and here are their entries:

Salmon Like the Fish

We Work For Cheese

Nonamedufus...the sizzle, remember?

So think carefully when you cast your vote here: cheese with holes, something fishy, or steak...or tofu...that sizzles (me!)?

Yeah I thought so.

Thanks for your support.

This ad is paid for by the committee to elect nonamedufus as the winner of the Tribal Blogs Blog Makeover Contest. Any slanderous comparisons of other participants is purely intended.

"I'm nonamedufus and I approve this sizzle."

Monday, 19 September 2011

Snakes In Your Pants

Samuel L. Jackson would be proud of this guy. And TSA officers at Miami International Airport must have surely thought they were in some movie, when a guy on his way to Brazil was pulled aside for a more thorough search of his, um, pants.

Turns out Simon Turola Borges was attempting to smuggle snakes and turtles aboard his flight.

Borges bears an uncanny resemblance to Pee Wee Herman.

I can imagine how this guy was brought down. The TSA folks must have asked "Is that a snake in your pants...no not that snake...or are you just glade to see me".

Turns out he wasn't glad to see them.

The TSA agents discovered baby turtles in his pockets and little baby boa constrictors in his underwear.

Apparently the guy first denied he had anything in his pants. But I guess it soon became obvious there was something unnatural going on around his nether region.

One of the baby, or mutant, turtles rescued from Borges' shorts.

I just hope those weren't snapping turtles.

That's probably the last time he sneaks on a plane!

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Pause Ponder and Pork on Your Fork


Yay, you remembered! And those that didn't are the losers because they missed their chance to be as happy as a pig in shit. I use that expression, of course, because of this week's pic. A pig among the pooches. I think the little guy's hiding out from Old MacDonald. Yeah, I think he's out of breakfast bacon and is looking for a side of sizzle. This little piggy's gonna have none...of that. So let's see who came up with the best porcine pun, shall we? And away we go...




Lord of The Fleas



In China, dog is the other white meat.



From "Best in Show" to "Best in Sow"



But our winner this week is that punster poser from the COTU (centre of the universe - *spits* Toronto) and my brother...

The grunt of the litter.
Whitey




Everybody?

HI WHITEY!!!

Hey Whitey. You won this little pig in a poke ya big ham. You be hangin' with your brother dufus. Waddaya wanna do this week? We could get together and go out to your favourite breakfast spot where I know they have some delicious pork products. I'm talkin' maybe some Eggs Willowdale, home fries, bacon, sausages and pea meal bacon. You want a cardiac arrest with that? Congrats bro.

And a special tip of the hat to Nicky for being a good sport. She participated in our little contest even though she and I are in the midst of a major diss fest over who's gonna win the Tribal Blogs' Makeover Contest. Stories of anal probes just ain't gonna do it baby. Aliens got nothing over Norma Desmond.

Sorry about that previous paragraph but seeing this was a post about a pig I thought I'd throw in a few links.

Thanks to all for playing and we'll see everyone next week, once you've managed to extricate yourselves from the pig pen and - sniff, sniff - had a chance to clean yourselves up.

Thursday, 15 September 2011

All Right Mr. DeMille I'm Ready For My Close Up

Or make-up, or make-over, or whatever. Take a look at this pic. I think she needed them all.


Gloria Swanson really gave it her all to play fading (in fact she had totally faded) film star Nora Desmond in that great cinematic classic Sunset Boulevard. One of the lines I loved was "I am big, It's the pictures that got small." Her character was kinda creepy. And I think she would have benefited from a make-over.

What about this blog? You think it could use a make-over? The folks over at Tribal Blogs are holding a blog make-over contest.



Meh, I thought when I first heard of it. What did Old McDonald say? You know, the guy with a farm?   Oh, yeah: "You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. And if he goes wee wee wee all the way home he should have gone before he left."

But as I got to thinking about it I thought to myself "Hey, everybody loves bacon. What have I got to lose?"

I also got a little confused between the terms "make-up" and "make-over". I've never worn make-up but I thought, hey, for $300 worth of goodies I might go so far as to get a brazil wax.

I mean for heaven's sake, take a look around this blog. The layout is...well...blahhhh. Yeah, sure, it's clean and uncluttered - which is good - but, hell, it reeks of antiseptic...or antidepressants, or antioxidants, or antiperspirants - well which is what you need if it reeks, right?

Blogger calls this layout "Awesome Inc". Yeah, sure, like awesome in a parallel universe maybe. A parallel universe of dogs. (Dogs can't see colours, eh?)

This is a humour blog for Pete's sake. And that layout doesn't inspire much mirth. (Mirth means gladness or gaiety usually expressed by laughter. I used it because it's a nice alliteration with "much". And I really didn't want to say "gobs of gaiety".)

You can gaze upon the $300 prize package here.

Among the prizes are custom graphics which include something called a favicon. Gee, I didn't know Milli Vanilli had reunited.

An installation of five key plug-ins is included. That would come in really handy 'cause I'm redoing my kitchen and the more plug-ins the better.

And they're offering something called a premium SEO submission. I don't know what that means but I kinda like Lionel Richie. You know, he sang "Say You, Say Me, SEO" Isn't that how it went?

So wish me luck. This blog may soon be wearing lipstick.



Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Pause Ponder and Pun #97

Oops, I forgot to number last week's Pause Ponder and Pun. Must be getting old. Well that's true enough, but last week I switched to the new Blogger "compose" format and it doesn't provide titles you've used before as you start to type the same title. The last PPP and it's number would pop up and all I'd have to do was change the number. Ah, the secret tricks of a blogger. So now you know.

Anyhoo, on with this week's pic.


Is it puppy love?

Obviously this little piggy stayed home.

So wadddaya think?

I'm looking forward to some "sty"-lish captions this week.

You can work out your drafts with a "pen" if you like.

I'll see you all back here Saturday.

Leave as many captions as you like. Just don't "hog" the comment section, eh?

Monday, 12 September 2011

Who The Hell Is Judith Chalmers?


Hello, I'm Judith Chalmers...
I understand the importance of being active
to maintain healthy circulation in my lower legs and feet...


So, who the heck is Judith Chalmers? That's what I wanted to know. I see her every morning while watching CBC News Network - probably four or five times in the hour, hour and-a-half I watch the news channel. After seeing her commercial for the Circulation Booster V3 about a hundred times I finally said to myself "Who the hell is Judith Chalmers?". Well, of course I said it to myself. I was the only one there. "You talking to me?" Ya, you get the idea.

Woah! I want one! Beam me up Judith.

And thus began my quest. Google, Wikipedia and You Tube aided me in my search for knowledge. (You don't think I have too much time on my hands, do you?) Funny the things you find out about people you don't even know when you start looking.

And circulation is an apt word here. Ms. Chalmers has been in circulation for quite some time, having been born in 1936. Judith Chalmers is currently the spokesperson for the Circulation Booster V3, a device advertised as easing lower leg and foot pain. But quite apart from that the woman was a TV presenter on the BBC for many years, thirty of which she spent galavanting about the globe as the host of a show called "Wish You Were Here". Recently, she admitted that throughout the thirty years she hosted the show she never wore any knickers.



Thanks for sharing that, Judith. I may never get that picture out of my head.

Judith was awarded an OBE in 1994 and since then has the distinction of being voted #88 on the list of 100 Worst Britons. She's in good company. Tony Blair and Margaret Thatcher rank #1 and #3 respectively.

Oh, and if you have sore legs or feet? Start saving your pennies, folks. The CB-V3 only costs $300.00. But it works. Yessiree, you can bet Judith Chalmers' knickers on it.


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