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The War That Time Forgot

But not the Government of Canada.

Nope, not our government. They're spending millions of dollars to build statues, dedicate parks, re-enact battles and rub the United States' noses in it. In what? In Canada's victory. That's right my American cousins. We won the War of 1812! Nanny-nanny boo-boo.

Do you know much about our mutual history, my amiable American friends? Nope, me either. Just wanted to be sure we were playing on a level battlefield.

You may have been following some discussions I've had recently with a few blogging buddies about Canadian/American relations. My American friends have taunted and teased me about how cold it is here, that we all eat poutine (on that they're right) smoked meat sandwiches (right again) and that nevertheless they should invade Canada, take over, and set adrift Justine Bieber, Nickelback, Celine Dion and Neil Young on some fast melting ice floe off the coast of Newfoundland.

Without the Treaty of Ghent, Washington might have been the new Ottawa. Of course we would have had to rebuild it since we burned it down. Well, c'mon, fair's fair. You guys burned down *spits* Toronto. Alas the treaty left the boundaries between us as they were before the war. Hey, it's the Canadian way. We probably even apologized to you too, for you starting the war.

How did this almost come to be? Those damn Americans, James Madison in particular, declared war against the British - our four fathers, yeah all four of them - on June 1, 1812. Now Americans like to say they won the battle at sea with their 6 frigates up against Britain's fleet of 1000 ships. Yeah, right. Good luck peddling that.

And they like to think they won on land, along the St Lawrence boundary and through Lake Ontario to Lake Erie. Yeah right. Does the name Major-General Isaac Brock mean anything to you? The man almost single-handidly beat back the Americans throughout Upper Canada. Long after the war they built a huge statue in his honour and named a university after him. And Laura Secord? She played such a pivotal role in warning the British that the Americans were planning an attack she got to open a chain of chocolate shops throughout the country.

Now let me rub a little salt in the wounds of mes amis Americains. Lest you think it was the British that, alone, emerged victorious. They had a little help. Turns out most inhabitants of Upper Canada that joined forces with the British to turn back those nasty Americans were Revolutionary-era exiles from the United States and post-revolutionary war American immigrants. Kind of like an 1812 version of our harbouring your draft-dodgers.

But after all is said and done the War of 1812 set British North America on it's course towards nationhood, formally becoming Canada in 1867. Of course it only took us until 1982 to repatriate our constitution.

So how much is the Government of Canada spending to commemorate the event and ram this little victory down your throats? $28 million dollars. Imagine if the British spent that much on the war itself. You guys might now be living in the United States of Canada.

My God. That means Pee Wee Herman, Lady Ga Ga and Rush Limbaugh were a hair's breadth away from being Canadian!


Jaffer said…
Hey hey hey ... spit in your own back yard !

Stoney Creek is one the best places to visit the memorials of the War of 1812. The British invaded the Americans at night and the Americans were so sleepy that even when they were twice in number and strength - surrendered and went back to bed.

I always like to tease visitors, that my (former) neighbourhood could've been American territory
Stef Papenfuss said…
You just wait till those LTTE Eelamists start asking for a separate State of Eelam around Toronto area :)
nonamedufus said…
Sorry, Jaffer. I forgot you just moved to *spits* Hogtown. That's the funny thing about the War of 1812. Even though we won, we agreed not to expand our boundaries. Gosh, we're such a nice nation.
nonamedufus said…
A *spits* Toronto Tamil nation? No. Really?
Jaffer said…
Oh ! That's twice you spit ! An I am not even returning the favour #True_Canadian
nonamedufus said…
Consider yourself lucky. I don't spit on just any Canadian city. But hey I thought you were in *farts* Mississauga...not really *spits* Toronto.
Jaffer said…
Yes, that's right. But you know, I like to live by the "Love Thy Neighbour" platitude.
Stef Papenfuss said…
Once they re-write Canadian history and get their story right, they sure will add Montreal as part of Eelam-worry not you won't be left out!!
nonamedufus said…
My brother (do you know Whitey?) who lives there calls it COTU. (Centre Of The Universe)
nonamedufus said…
Gee, thanks. I think.
Linda Medrano said…
I've been to Canada. It's nice. I like the Royal Canadian Mounties. But I've never seen them mounted. The only place I've been is Victoria, BC. Pretty place. Not really lively though.
nonamedufus said…
Hell, Linda, you visited the retirement capital of the nation. Things are dead there, including many of the residents. You need to visit somewhere more happening like, um, Saskatoon, Saskatchewan - just a stone's throw from Regina where the RCMP learn their mounting.
I have always wanted to invade Canada. Not so much to take it over but it seems like such a lovely place to live. Much better than the Small Town.
Linda Medrano said…
I was there in 1968. Cool plae, but a little strange. All people seemed to do was go fishing and drink Rye whiskey.
nonamedufus said…
It is a lovely place to live, if you can get past the cold. We have two seasons. Six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobile weather.
nonamedufus said…
Oh, my, no, things have changed since then. Now they shoot polar bears after drinking rye whiskey.
Mikewj said…
Go ahead, mock us all you want. But someday, and someday soon, we're going to invade Canada and take all your oil. And your poutine. Then you won't seem so funny.
00dozo said…
Ha! "United States of Canada." That would mean New Yorkers might have turned out to be polite.

nonamedufus said…
Wow, how did you do that? I just left you over on Facebook talking about toilets. Isn't the internet amazing?

Funny you'd talk about the 2 Canadian things that are greasy.

Oh, and I will continue to mock you. Speaking of which did you ever stop to think just what it is you're eating when you have mock chicken? Or does that mean you're just making fun of the chicken? Cause chickens can be pretty funny when you think of it. "Hey chicken. I have a bone to pick with you."
nonamedufus said…
Yeah, right! And Americans would have way better beer.
meleahrebeccah said…
I don't know too much about our mutual history, but I sure do LOVE some poutine. Thanks for the history lesson!
nonamedufus said…
Hey, are you Canadian? Or just a wanna-be Canadian?
nonamedufus said…
I'll see what I can do about making you an honorary Canadian. After all, you love poutine.
nonamedufus said…
No, no, no Meleah. It's "eh".
Nicky said…
*stands with hand over heart*

O Canada
Our home and highly taxed land
True patriot love
For all the useless memorials dedicated to things nobody remembers anyway that you command

God keep our land
Glorious and free from Americans
O Canada
We stand on guard for thee

O Canada
We stand on guard for thee!

*wipes tear from eye*
nonamedufus said…
Wow, Nicky, you're a modern-day Robert Stanley Weir...or Al Yankovic.

Can you pass the Kleenex?
Whenever I hear "poutine," I always think "pootang." Thank Ted Nugent. Is he Canadian?
meleahrebeccah said…
nonamedufus said…
Oh, there's lots of poontangin Canada. After all, our national symbol is the beaver.
redheadranting said…
So let me get this're saying that you won a war, and that we lost one?

(Pot's legal up there isn't it? Seems to me I went to Vancouver once and it was really easy to come by. Not that I would ever inhale.)

I don't think so. First of all America doesn't lose wars. All the ones we lost have not been actual wars because we called them something else. Secondly, Canadians never fought in any war. Even the British forget you guys are up there eating Poutine and singing stupid yet catchy Nickelback songs.
Ziva said…
Congratulations, Canada! I've always been on your side.
Canadianblend said…
You can't take Americans who dis Justin Bieber and Neil Young in the same breath seriously. Really, any American who's dissing Neil Young is probably too young to be taken seriously anyway (much as I'm too old to be using 'dis').
nonamedufus said…
Yay! The Finns are with us. Do you speak for all of Scandinavia, Ziva?
nonamedufus said…
To dis Neil Young is sacrilege. But to dis Justin Bieber is a national past-time on both sides of the border.
nonamedufus said…
Oh, yeah, you guys engage in "skirmishes", right? And pot's not legal but we're always high. That's cause we're above you on the map of North America. We like it on top.

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