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I Want To Rrrent A Rrrooooom

You know I always think of that Peter Sellers line whenever I check into a hotel. You know, as Inspector Clouseau? These days the counter personnel are far more helpful than the guy who helped him ("I thought you said your dog did not bite?" "That's not my dog."). And things are pretty competitive among hotel chains lately. Some offer a third night free if you stay for a previous two nights. Others, offer weekend packages with meals and events. There are some I'd like to explore. They offer golf latest passion.

There used to be a time when hotels would offer a choice between smoking and non-smoking rooms. I always found this funny and in my mind would equate it with sex, for some reason. Remember that joke "Do you smoke after sex?" "I don't know. I've never looked?" Yeah, that's just how my mind works. Now of course all rooms are non-smoking. Which is probably a much safer way to have sex.

On the weekend I came across a story about a new trend in hotels. It seems the Crowne Plaza chain is testing a new feature in hotels in Europe, the Middle East and Britain aimed at doing what hotels do best...providing a good night's sleep.

Are you ready for this? The hotel chain is offering it's customers "snore absorption" rooms complete with the latest snore control technology...and it's much more than supplying you with a box of Breathe Right strips. You know, those little band-aids you paste onto your nose?

The rooms have sound proofing, anti-snoring pillows and white noise machines. Anti-snoring pillows? We all have those. You just take a pillow and smother your offending partner.

In some hotels, the chain employs "snore monitors" who patrol the corridors designated as QuietZones and listen out for offensive noises and knock on the doors of those who snore too loudly.

I'm comforted by this latest development in the hotel industry. Indeed, I'm one of those "noisemakers" that would probably take advantage of it.

Now if only they can reinstitute those "smoking" rooms for that couple banging the headboard in the room next door.


00dozo said…
So, these 'snore monitors' wake up noisy patrons in the middle of the night and then what? They kick them out?? Keep waking them up all night when they start to snore again? Kinda defeats the purpose of providing a good night sleep, don't you think?

Mikewj said…
Instead of snore technology, how about separate rooms? Then couples could pretend they're having torrid affairs, or actually have torrid affairs -- and what the hell is torrid, by the way? -- but still get a good night's sleep.
nonamedufus said…
The snore police patrol the "quite zones" for offending patrons. Then they get moved to the snore absorption rooms. I may not have been entirely clear in my post, 00dozo. (Perfect name for this topic, by the way!)
nonamedufus said…
Don't give my wife any ideas, Mike.
00dozo said…
Ha! You read my mind. That was going to be my next question - i.e. why don't they have 'soundproofed" rooms?

Since the "smoking" option has now been eliminated, will the check-in clerk instead ask, "Will that be a snoring or non-snoring room?" Oh, and to go one step further (in case the patron does not snore) imagine the clerk also asking, "So as not to disturb our other guests, will you be banging anyone at any time during your stay with us? We would like to assign you the appropriate room for this purpose."

nonamedufus said…
I think you're on to something. This could be just the tip of the iceberg. Coming soon to a hotel near you: fart and non-fart rooms, rock star and non-rock star rooms...the list could go on and on.
Nicky said…
"You just take a pillow and smother your offending partner." You are a wise, wise man Dufus.
nonamedufus said…
What else could an anti-snoring pillow be?
00dozo said…
Ha! The "Febreeze Suites" for the flatulent clientele and, for the rock stars, the "Pre-Trashed" rooms - groupies included!

Sadly, the increasing hype of spring break caused a few hotels here to ban bookings for students this year, not that I've ever heard of any such problems here.
inbed said…
Can you imagine how completely fulfilling the job of "snore monitor" would be? And how pissed off people would be when you knocked on their door in the middle of the night? Although blogging isn't paying too well. Perhaps I should look into it.
quirkyloon said…
You had me at white noise. I must HAVE it. Honest. I love it. Heaven forbid we suffer from an EMP and lose electricity forever.

And yes, I'm still reading post-apocalyptic fiction! hee hee
nonamedufus said…
Spring break rooms or Spring broken rooms. Ha, ha, ha.
nonamedufus said…
You know I'd be so embarrassed if someone woke me up because I was snoring. If you don't believe me just ask my wife
nonamedufus said…
I've never heard it referred to as white noise. So how bad a snorer is your husband?
Melissa Hicks said…
The only thing I can think of more annoying than constant snoring is intermittent knocking up and down the hall outside my room. Oh god, the nasal nazis are back!
nonamedufus said…
Yeah, that'd be more annoying, alright. I can be a snorer and I'm a heavy sleeper so I don't think it would affect me. I'd just snore to my heart's content. Unless my wife gave me an elbow. That usually wakes me.
Linda Medrano said…
I want the smoking snoring sex room please.

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