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Quebec Drivers, No Survivors


Took a corner, side-swiped a truck
Crossed my fingers just for luck
My fenders was clickin' the guard rail posts
The guy beside me was white as a ghost

Remember that song Hot Rod Lincoln? It used to be one of my favourites in my early teens. Now however I think back to that song whenever I'm out driving around. Why? Because there are so many awful drivers around here. And they remind me of the main character in this song. These guys (and gals) run stop signs. Sit at green lights talking merrily on their cell phones. Weave out of their lanes as they apply their make up. Go slow in the passing lane and refuse to move over. We used to have a saying when I was growing up in Ontario: "Quebec Drivers, No Survivors". Since I've lived in Quebec for about 10 years now, I've come to see that saying in practice almost every day. Why are there so many terrible drivers out there. Are they selling a bad driver manual or something these days?

Who woulda guessed!

Now I love to drive. I really enjoy driving around town or out on the highway with the tunes on the CD player. But my wife says I drive like Mr. Magoo. And for those of you old enough to remember him, when he drove he looked at everything BUT the road. So there are times when I'll give in and let my wife do the driving. She has a unique habit that she shares with me. It's one she apparently has when she's driving alone. She yells at drivers. Not that they'll hear her (thank God) because her windows are rolled up. I find this hilarious and I keep telling her that for her birthday I'm going to get her a huge megaphone she can strap to the roof of the car and share her comments with a wider audience. You know. Like in The Blues Brothers.

Wow, this would be perfect!


Then she could amplify her reactions to bad drivers. Stuff like:

Hey, shit-for-brains the frickin' light's green, you idiot.

Get the hell off my ass you douche bag.

Hey buddy didn't you see that big red sign that said WWT?
(Here in Quebec our STOP signs say WWT - woah, woah, tabernacle)

Choose a lane and stay in it you poopy head!
(She does uses another word for poopy.)

And she doesn't ignore pedestrians or bicyclists (she's fair like that, all for equality, you know).

Hey, get back on the curb you jerk, you can't cross on a red!

C'mon, c'mon, I'm tryin' to turn right here.

Get off the frickin' road buddy, don't you know you should be on the bike path!


Well you get the idea. It really is quite entertaining driving with her. I don't know who she thinks can hear her. But it does make her feel good.

Me, on the other hand, I'm more the strong, silent type. I like to use sign language. The other day I was off to the pool store for a solar blanket. I was in the outside lane, a little over the speed limit, passing slower cars, having just changed the CD while picking my nose and sipping on a Canada Dry Diet Ginger Ale and munching on a Quarter Pounder, when all of a sudden some guy flies up behind me and sits right on my bumper. I check the rear view mirror and he's not dropping back. If anything he's getting closer. Now I know my yelling at him won't do any good so I take a more subtle approach. I slam on my brakes and wave at him. Works every time. Just scared the shit out of him. (Ha, I guess I wasn't the only one to leave skid marks.) But he waved back at me, for some reason.

I'm thinking though, the next time something like that happens, of maybe using all the fingers on that hand.

Comments

Madge said…
I've only flipped somebody off once in my life, and he went all psycho road rage on my ass, scared the shit out of me and I haven't done it since. The husbands x wife likes to scream "how green do you want it to get" so we've picked that up, and I say it to him. Our friend Big Dumb Bill tought us "green means go, even if you're slow"
nonamedufus said…
Those are a couple of good ones. But how can you be sure the other driver hears you? Or is it more for your own purposes? You know, like a tension-relieving device. You do have a horn, you know. I use mine quite often on the guys still waiting for the green to get greener.
Cheryl P. said…
I am so like your wife. Usually, I confine my "evaluating the performance" of other drivers to commentary albeit colorfully worded commentary. As a native Chicagoan, I have been known to use my horn as a final evaluation tool. I try to be carful though. Once in Texas some guy thought I wasn't moving fast enough and when he went around me he had a gun pointing at me. I now size up the situation prior to any hand signals or horns. Big trucks with gun racks can pretty much do whatever they want around me. I just try to keep my head down and keep my distance.
00dozo said…
"...WWT - woah, woah, tabernacle." Ha, ha, ha! Okay, that's hilarious but what happened to "arrĂȘt" and what does "WWT" stand for?

I don't yell at the bad drivers here. Most of the bad drivers have their woofers set to a bone shattering volume so they wouldn't hear me anyway. I just audibly voice my opinions of them and/or their lack of driving skills and trust that they can either read my lips or my mind.
nonamedufus said…
Yeah, with trucks and buses it's always good to yield. After all, as I like to say, they're bigger than I am.
nonamedufus said…
It's an old joke. WWT stands for woah, woah tabernacle. We still have stop signs that say Arret.

Oh man, loud car stereos. I always like to yell at the driver playing his eardrum-splitting audio system "Turn it up a little more, I can't quite hear it".
nonamedufus said…
Those are a couple of good ones. But how can you be sure the other driver hears you? Or is it more for your own purposes? You know, like a tension-relieving device. You do have a horn, you know. I use mine quite often on the guys still waiting for the green to get greener.
Madge said…
It's for my own purposes, and I say it to my husband when he's driving. Then he
says STFU Carol. (she's the x) it's all love.





________________________________
nonamedufus said…
Yeah, I love it.
Madge said…
It's the Bass that gets me every time, when you have dog hearing, it doesn't take much.
nonamedufus said…
You don't need dog hearing. Christ I'm well on my way to deaf and I can hear those cars two blocks away!
Mike said…
The same goes for Quebec cyclists! I cycle to work every day and I'm probably in the 5% that actually stops at lights and arret signs. Everyone else sucks.
nonamedufus said…
Oh, yeah, cyclists can be bad. Through stop signs, red lights. I wonder if they shouldn't have to pass a test to get a license like car drivers do? Once bicycles are on the road they're just like motor vehicles and their riders should be respecting the rules of the road.
Mike said…
They really should. I make it a point to ride my wheels as if I'm a car. It's actually hard to get into an accident if you just follow the laws and keep your eyes open. Everyone else still sucks ;)
Nicky said…
Hmmmm. I'm a Quebecoise, with a driver's license. I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about....
nonamedufus said…
There you go. And in Montreal yet. Must be crazy.
nonamedufus said…
Um, Mike? Keep an eye out for her on your way to work, huh?
Linda Medrano said…
I hate bad drivers. They scare the hell out of me. And I'm with your wife as far as yelling is concerned. They don't hear me, but it makes me feel better!
nonamedufus said…
Wait a minute. You agree with my wife? I should try and get you two in the same car. That'd be fun.
Debbie said…
Your wife and I are driving clones. I have perfected my truck driver-on-meth vocabulary while behind the wheel. I even have a few in Finnish if Mrs. Dufus would like to add to her list.

Couldn't find an e-mail for you, but wanted to thank you for your kind words on my last post about my last post. It meant a lot and damn, you guys almost made me cry.

HEY! I said "almost"! I do have a reputation to uphold!

Heading to your country this summer - New Brunswick. I will be on the lookout for the screaming woman behind the wheel should you be venturing that way, and I'll be sure to wave!
nonamedufus said…
Another one! Is this a woman thing? I usually say something like "You asshole" under my breath. Now when I golf, that's a whole different vocabulary!

As for your departure, I'll miss you and your blog. What can I say. It'll be a loss on the interwebs. But I understand. Real life is priority #1. Blogging's just the cherry on the Sunday. I hope you'll stop by from time to time and, who knows, return to blogging if you have the time.

We're not going to New Brunswick this summer so if you see some woman driver yelling at you and waving it's not her.
nonamedufus said…
Another one! Is this a woman thing? I usually say something like "You asshole" under my breath. Now when I golf, that's a whole different vocabulary!

As for your departure, I'll miss you and your blog. What can I say. It'll be a loss on the interwebs. But I understand. Real life is priority #1. Blogging's just the cherry on the Sunday. I hope you'll stop by from time to time and, who knows, return to blogging if you have the time.

We're not going to New Brunswick this summer so if you see some woman driver yelling at you and waving it's not her.
Linda R. said…
Oh, we have our share of idiot drivers here, too. If folks would at least drive the speed limit. 5-10 mph under is not acceptable in good weather.
nonamedufus said…
I hate people who go too slow. It's like NASCAR for seniors out there sometimes!
junebug1990 said…
I believe Atlanta was one of the worst traffic areas I ever lived in. Everyone thinks they are in NASCAR and I'm pretty sure most never read that book with the rules or might not have been able to. Bless their hearts.
nonamedufus said…
Did you know there's a GPS device for NASCAR drivers? Yeah, all it says is "Turn left at next quarter mile, turn left at next quarter mile..."

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