Quebec Drivers, No Survivors

Took a corner, side-swiped a truck

Crossed my fingers just for luck

My fenders was clickin' the guard rail posts

The guy beside me was white as a ghost

Remember that song Hot Rod Lincoln? It used to be one of my favourites in my early teens. Now however I think back to that song whenever I'm out driving around. Why? Because there are so many awful drivers around here. And they remind me of the main character in this song. These guys (and gals) run stop signs. Sit at green lights talking merrily on their cell phones. Weave out of their lanes as they apply their make up. Go slow in the passing lane and refuse to move over. We used to have a saying when I was growing up in Ontario: "Quebec Drivers, No Survivors". Since I've lived in Quebec for about 10 years now, I've come to see that saying in practice almost every day. Why are there so many terrible drivers out there. Are they selling a bad driver manual or something these days?

Who woulda guessed!

Now I love to drive. I really enjoy driving around town or out on the highway with the tunes on the CD player. But my wife says I drive like Mr. Magoo. And for those of you old enough to remember him, when he drove he looked at everything BUT the road. So there are times when I'll give in and let my wife do the driving. She has a unique habit that she shares with me. It's one she apparently has when she's driving alone. She yells at drivers. Not that they'll hear her (thank God) because her windows are rolled up. I find this hilarious and I keep telling her that for her birthday I'm going to get her a huge megaphone she can strap to the roof of the car and share her comments with a wider audience. You know. Like in The Blues Brothers.

Wow, this would be perfect!

Then she could amplify her reactions to bad drivers. Stuff like:

Hey, shit-for-brains the frickin' light's green, you idiot.

Get the hell off my ass you douche bag.

Hey buddy didn't you see that big red sign that said WWT?

(Here in Quebec our STOP signs say WWT - woah, woah, tabernacle)

Choose a lane and stay in it you poopy head!

(She does uses another word for poopy.)

And she doesn't ignore pedestrians or bicyclists (she's fair like that, all for equality, you know).

Hey, get back on the curb you jerk, you can't cross on a red!

C'mon, c'mon, I'm tryin' to turn right here.

Get off the frickin' road buddy, don't you know you should be on the bike path!

Well you get the idea. It really is quite entertaining driving with her. I don't know who she thinks can hear her. But it does make her feel good.

Me, on the other hand, I'm more the strong, silent type. I like to use sign language. The other day I was off to the pool store for a solar blanket. I was in the outside lane, a little over the speed limit, passing slower cars, having just changed the CD while picking my nose and sipping on a Canada Dry Diet Ginger Ale and munching on a Quarter Pounder, when all of a sudden some guy flies up behind me and sits right on my bumper. I check the rear view mirror and he's not dropping back. If anything he's getting closer. Now I know my yelling at him won't do any good so I take a more subtle approach. I slam on my brakes and wave at him. Works every time. Just scared the shit out of him. (Ha, I guess I wasn't the only one to leave skid marks.) But he waved back at me, for some reason.

I'm thinking though, the next time something like that happens, of maybe using all the fingers on that hand.