Fart-O-Rama

Beans, beans, the musical fruit

The more you eat, the more you toot

The more you toot, the better you feel

So eat beans at every meal!

That was one of my favourite little songs when I was a kid. My buddies and I loved reciting it. It was right up there with "Who cut the cheese?" and "He who smelt it, dealt it".

But with age comes maturity...or so I'm told...and as we age those juvenile rhymes and phrases aren't as funny as they once were. But others are! At least I think they are, but then no one ever accused me of being a "mature" adult. Here are my top ten:

10) Confucius say man who fart in church sit in own pew.

9) Why do farts stink? So that deaf people can enjoy them too!

8) How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? Her ankles swell when she farts.

7) Did you hear about the constipated Wheel of Fortune player? He wanted to buy a bowel.

6) Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.

5) Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.

4) What is the sharpest thing in the world? A fart - it goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.

3) What do you call a fart in German? Farfrompoopin.

2) What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public? A private tutor.

1) Mrs. O'Brien arrived in Boston from Ireland and in no time at all her bean soup made her the talk of New England society. At a party celebrating the sale of her recipe to a fancy restaurant, an old matron went up to Mrs. O'Brien and asked "My dear girl, please tell me: what is the secret of your soup?"

"The secret to my soup is that I use but 239 beans to make it," said Mrs. O'Brien.

"Why only 239?" asked the woman.

"Because one more would make it too farty!"