Back in the days of my youth I wasn't always the most erudite of people. I know, to look at me now, that's difficult to fathom. But, alas, it's true. My mom would say things like, "Don't forget it's your night to wash the dishes" to which I'd reply "unhh". Or "If you don't clean up that room of yours soon those dirty clothes are going to start walking by themselves" and I'd respond "unhh".
I know. Hard as it is to believe as a teenager I was a grunter. Yeah, that's right. To anything said to me by someone in authority (older than me) I'd simply respond with that universal, mono-sylabic definitive statement of youth everywhere..."unhh".
Now at some point I grew out of this habit. Well at least in public. To this day I'm a bit of a grunter in the bathroom. But that may be a little too much information.
Elsewhere, though, in recent years grunting has become a growth industry. What used to be a term used to describe military infantrymen, grunts now refers to hard-playing, overly expressive tennis players, especially women. The Williams sisters, Anna Kournikova and all the rest. Sometimes if you close your eyes watching tennis sounds orgiastic. I confess, I watch tennis a lot.
Now, your humble correspondent has covered tennis in the past, commenting on women's revealing tennis fashion and men's colourful attire. Now while these player fashion faux pas may have elicited gasps it's the players themselves who are responsible for grunts.
Last week, after Belarus' Victoria Azarenka's grunts registered an ear-spliting, faux porcine ninety five decibels, tennis officials said enough's enough. Obviously ninety five decibels is exactly that...enough. They'll now allow opposing players to complain to the umpire about grunts if the practice becomes too distracting.
Biggest grunt in tennis.
I find this a sad development. Many finals have evolved into grunt-offs. And watching tennis has become quite an arousing experience. These days when I watch tennis I'm reminded of that famous line from "When Harry Met Sally" when, in a restaurant, Sally demonstrates to Harry how easy it is to fake an orgasm. After which the lady at the next table tells the waiter "I'll have what she's having".
Imagine how Azarenka interacts off the court. For example I'd hate to be the one taking her order at the McDonald's drive-thru:
"I'll have a Bic Mac" *95 decibel grunt*
"Large fries" *95 decibel grunt* "And a large diet coke" *95 decibel grunt*
Although, I must say at ninety five decibels the folks I really feel sorry for are Azarenka's neighbours. I'll bet they don't get a wink of sleep at night.
"Got a cigarette?"