Sunday, 31 May 2009

The Sunday Funnies

The epicurean tastes of Governor General Michaelle Jean were on the minds of Canadian editorial cartoonists this week, as were the nuclear tests in North Korea. And Brian Mulroney's unique approach to paying taxes on income received in plain brown envelopes was still fodder for some pundits.

Saturday, 30 May 2009

Samba Pa Ti

This week's 70s Saturday recalls one of the greatest "make-out" songs of that decade - "Samba Pa Ti". The song was included on Carlos Santana's second album, 1970's Abraxas. A certain 18 year old found the music was pretty cool, and the album cover art wasn't bad either. Here's a live version of the song from a 1998 concert in Zagreb Croatia.

Friday, 29 May 2009

A Whiter Shade of Pale

We kill two birds with one song this week. We celebrate the birthday of vocalist Gary Brooker, who turns 65 today, and we enjoy his group, Procol Harum's, biggest hit, released in 1967.
Brooker founded Procol Harum in the mid 60s. In the 70s he played in Eric Clapton's band for a time and today often tours with former Rolling Stones bassist Bill Wyman's group the Ryhthm Kings.
As a child of the 60s I could never make up my mind which was more bizarre - the group's name or the lyrics to A Whiter Shade of Pale.

We skipped a light fandango,
Turned cartwheels 'cross the floor.
I was feeling kind of seasick,
But the crowd called out for more.
The room was humming harder,
As the ceiling flew away.
When we called out for another drink,
The waiter brought a tray.
And so it was that later,
As the miller told his tale,
That her face at first just ghostly,
Turned a whiter shade of pale.
She said there is no reason,
And the truth is plain to see
That I wandered through my playing cards,
And would not let her be
One of sixteen vestal virgins
Who were leaving for the coast.
And although my eyes were open,
They might just as well have been closed.
And so it was later,
As the miller told his tale,
That her face at first just ghostly,
Turned a whiter shade of pale.

Thursday, 28 May 2009

A Heartfelt Display of Patriotism

You gotta have heart
Miles and miles and miles of heart
Oh, it's fine to be a genius of course
But keep that old horse before the cart
First you've gotta have heart
The media in Canada is all agog over Governor General Michaelle Jean eating raw seal heart. While visiting the Inuit village of Rankin Inlet in the northern territory of Nunavut Jean witnessed the carving of a seal and asked the locals if she could try the heart. She said she did it to show solidarity with seal hunters and said it is difficult to believe anyone would characterize the traditional hunting practices as inhumane. That may be so. But did she have to eat a seal's raw heart to prove her point?
Earlier this month the European Union called the seal hunt "inherently inhumane", voting to ban seal products.
Well, we certainly know where Canada's Governor General stands on this issue. There's been no reaction yet from Seal.

Wednesday, 27 May 2009

US and Them #4

If you had to identify the one thing that truly unites Americans with their northern neighbours, what would it be? The right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? How about McDonald’s, Arby’s and Kentucky Fried Chicken? Or maybe it’s that we’re both great democracies? You’d have to be unpatriotic – or an illegal alien – to disagree with that but no that’s not it. Maybe it’s that each of our economies is in a tailspin? Or that we share the world’s longest undefended border? Nope, sorry, it’s none of the above. What really unites Canadians with their American brethren (and sistren) is their love of beer!

Tall-boys, stubbies, quarts, pints, cans, kegs or out of a tap, the nectar of the gods comes in many forms, shapes and sizes.

Now Canadians may hold their beer in a stein but they also hold it in high esteem. And they have a very distinct view of the quality associated with American beer.

Canadians may be known for their politeness and reserved nature but when it comes to their opinion of American beer, they simply can’t hold back. Not to put too fine a point on it, they think it tastes like swill. And they think when they drink it, owing to a) the distinct lack of alcohol compared to Canadian beer and b) it’s ability to pass through you quicker than spruce juice through a goose, they spend far too much time going to the bathroom. Yep if it weren’t for American beer we wouldn’t have that age-old maxim “You don’t purchase beer, you only rent it!” More importantly it has a lower buzz quotient. Yeah, you’ve got to drink many more in order to get your freak on.

Alas, it’s the Americans who have the last laugh on those uppity Canadians. You see Molson and Labatt’s - Canada’s largest breweries - are no longer, well, Canadian. Molson is owned by Coors , Labatt’s by Anheuser Busch.

But Canadians can rest easy. If all else fails, we still have Canada’s #1 favourite beer...

Tuesday, 26 May 2009

Oprah Fried Chicken

Now I ask you, does it look like this woman needs any more chicken - grilled, fried or otherwise? No, I think not. And she may have just set race relations back a decade by shilling for Kentucky Fried Chicken. But I digress.

If you're not aware of what I'm referring to, allow me to hallucinate. KFC has come out with a new line of "grilled" chicken. Commendable, considering they've only now decided to hop on the "eat healthy" band wagon that their competitors reluctantly initiated about 15 years ago. Enter Oprah. In an act of kindness (yeah, right, there's a deal in there somewhere) Mrs. Television directed viewers to her website where they could download coupons for a free grilled chicken meal.

The promotion was so successful KFC ran out of chicken in some centres and had to issue rain cheques. Over a matter of days KFC issued over 4.5 million free meals before having to temporarily suspend the promotion. Nevertheless, KFC says it's extremely happy with consumer response. All I can say to KFC is be careful what you wish for. Oprah used to give away cars and look at what's happened to that industry!

Monday, 25 May 2009

It's Towel Day!

Today's observance is a world-wide occasion to remember Douglas Adams, author of the Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, a book which Adams referred to as a "trilogy in five parts", a radio series, a television series, a video game, a movie - well you get the idea concerning it's popularity. The first Towel Day occured in 2001 days after Adams' death. Here's a brief excerpt from H2G2, the BBC television series, explaining the Pangalactic Gargle Blaster...

And here's Douglas Adams in what is touted as his last interview.

Hope you're wearing your towel today!

Sunday, 24 May 2009

It's His Birthday

He is, perhaps, the greatest living songwriter. Bob Dylan turns 68 today and with the recent release of his latest album and his ongoing "Never Ending Tour" he shows no sign of slowing down. Here's a classic from one of my favourite Dylan periods - the mid 70s - with the enchanting Scarlet Rivera on violin...

One More Day

One day to go until Towel Day. Here's a clip featuring Douglas Adams explaining the many different versions of Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy...

The Sunday Funnies

Canadian political cartoonists didn't lack inspiration this week. Former PM Brian Mulroney completed his testimony at the public inquiry into his buiness dealings with Karl-Heinz Schrieber. GM and Chrysler announced they were closing down hundreds of dealers as a cost-saving measure. And then there's always something happening in those two staple areas of discussion for Canadians: sports and the weather.

Saturday, 23 May 2009

If You Wanna Get To Heaven

This week's 70s Saturday showcased artist is the Ozark Mountain Daredevils. One look at all that hair and those beards give you a good idea where the group got it's name. One of their most popular tunes came off their first album, released in 1973...

Two More Days

Friday, 22 May 2009

Yummy, Yummy, Yummy

Well, it's Friday folks. Time for a walk down musical memory lane. In the 60s a musical genre emerged almost as insipid as it's successor - disco. The popularity of Bubblegum Pop ran from 1967 to 1972. And no group better epitomized this style (and I use the word advisedly) of music as The Ohio Express. Sit back and enjoy this 1968 performance in all it's lip-synched glory...


Is it possible to write a humourous post without making references to breasts, penises, vaginas or bums?

Have I just answered my own question?

Three More Days

Thursday, 21 May 2009


God, uh, if there is one, is one smart dude. As the story goes he fashioned Eve from Adam's rib and that point in man - and women's - evolution can be pointed to as when the trouble began. Well, He made her different, didn't He. He gave her something with which to catch man's eye. Yep, I'm talking about breasts. Or as the Urban Dictionary euphamistically describes them:

Tits, titties, tig ol' bitties, boobs, jugs, melons, cans, hooters, dirty pillows, gazongas, yabbos, tig bitties, knockers, mammaries, fun bags, honkers, headlights, baps, meat puppets, ta-tas, naturals, boobies, guns, bahama mammas, balloons, bawagos, big brown eyes, blinkers, bobambas, bodacious tatas, bombs, bosom, bosooms, boulders, Bristols, brown suckies, bubatoes, bups, bust, busts, Cadillac bumper bullets, casabas, chest, chuberteens, cones, gedoinkers, doorknobs, floppers, fried eggs, fugis, gams, gazangas, jungle tits, golden bazoos, golden winnebagoes, mounds, mountains, marshmallows, Maguffies, grenadoes, hogans, honkers,itty-bitty-titties, jalobes, bazongoes, bazookas, bazooms, bazoos, ninnies, nips, nupies, pair, nice pair, penis squeezers, beamers, starter buttons, tads, handles, tatas, tittyboppers, bee stings, jiggers, jobes, rolling hills, cup cakes, cushions, dairy section, highbeams, hinyackas, knobs, love apples, love monkeys, luscious scoops of flesh, twins, love warts, watermellons, wazoos, whoppers, winnebagos, yabos, mambas, mammas, mamms, massive mammaries, mazabas, mellons, milk factories, Mcguffies, mosquito bites,perkies, pillows, pimples, pink chewies, rack, set, smosabs, stacked, torpedoes, towel racks.

I'm sure we haven't exhausted all the synonoms for "chesticles" in this list, although I must say I am after reading it! Now the next natural question - for a guy anyway - is who has the biggest ones? Well funny you should ask. I asked myself the same question and went looking (in a manner of speaking) for the answer.

According to WikiAnswers, a lady called Olivia Dear in Wales UK is rumoured to have the biggest in the UK .

Lolo Ferrari (born Eve Valois) appeared in the French Guinness Book of World Records in 1996 and again in the American Guinness Book of World Records in 2003. Her brassiere measurements have been given by various sources as 58F, 54G, and 54J.

Sabrina Sabrok (born March 4, 1977 in Buenos Aires, Argentina) is an Argentine model and television actress. Sabrok is mostly known for her large breasts (small wonder, they each weigh 3.5 kilograms) and her beauty. Sabrina has recently gained attention with her plans to have the world's largest breasts through plastic surgery; she hopes to achieve a bra size of 42XXX.

Tina Small (yeah, right) a British model of the 1980's claimed to measure 84EE OR GG-22-34.

The aptly (or amply) named Chelsea Charms claims to have a 153XXX bust, but no conclusive evidence is shown.

And my two favourites (no pun intended):

Wendy Whoppers claims an 88 EE bust.

And finally, the holder of the Guinness World Record for the "World's Largest Augmented Breasts" is (wait for it) Maxi Mounds .

She approached Guinness in August of 2003, but the category did not yet exist. After creating the category the Guinness organization contacted her to request her measurements and other documentation. She was presented with an official certificate that reads: Maxi Mounds (USA) was measured at Sarasota, Florida, on 4 February 2005 and found to have an under breast measurement of 91.44 cm (36 in) and an around chest-over-nipple measurement of 153.67 cm (60.5 in). She currently wears a US size 42M bra (UK 42J)

Well, that concludes the lesson for today. Ta-tas for now...

Four More Days

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

US and Them #3

In the midst of the economic debacle that has thrown the very existence of everything from the Big Three automakers in the U.S. to small-town local newscasts in Canada into doubt, it’s heart-warming to see one bright beacon of light in what has become the deep darkness of economic ennui.

Of course I speak of that bankable bastion of boobs, butts and beauty the Miss USA Pageant. Born in 1950, the pageant was taken over by that financial guru cum Barnum and Bailey protégé Donald Trump in 1996. Mr. Trump has managed to successfully turn around the popularity and by association the fortunes of the pageant whose previous claim to fame was a twenty year hosting sojourn by Bob Barker beginning in 1967.

This year’s pageant is seemingly more famous not because of who won but because of who lost. Poor Carrie Prejean, Miss California, basically lost it all when she went up against celebrity judge Perez Hilton, the gay gossip monger extraordinaire. What sealed her fate was his question respecting her opinion regarding gay marriage. She’s not in favour. He wasn’t in favour of her response and demonstrated his reaction in the distinct lack of points he awarded her. She came out runner-up.
Miss Prejean’s 15 minutes of popularity were prolonged, however, when it came to light that she’d posed for some – say it ain’t so – risqué photographs. In a subsequent news conference, which drew about as much attention as the pageant itself – that is to say a lot – Barnum, er, uh, Trump absolved Prejean and allowed her to remain as runner up to Miss USA.

Canadians aren’t all that big on beauty pageants. The only thing that comes close to such high drama here in Canada that I can think of is, oh, uh... cattle judging, maybe. Agricultural shows are quite popular north of the border and where there’s an agricultural show there’s cows. Um, ah, you know, of the animal variety. Let’s take a look at what a judge in this contest looks for, citing Wikipedia as a research source.
Overall carriage is important. The head must be held properly and the neck must be broad, sit evenly on the shoulders and the base be in line with the spine. The head should be in proportion with the rest of the body.

When looking at the legs in an animal, the judge is looking mainly at the structure, and for some muscle.

When looking at the body, the judge wants to see as much rib extension as possible - this means having a large chest area. A long body is desirable because it holds more meat. A large, muscled rump is important, too.

Finally, the udders on females should not be pendulous and the teat size and placement is critical.

In Canada, however, our cattle calls don’t have a Question and Answer component. And I’ve yet to see nubile bovine black and whites. Bessie, your crown would appear to be secure.

Five More Days

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

I Come To Drink Caesar Not To Praise Him

Bloody Caesar! No that's not an editorial comment on a Shakespearian tragedy. Bloody Caesar is a uniquely Canadian cocktail, invented by a Calgary bartender 40 years ago. The ingredients back then: a mixture of hand-mashed clams, tomato juice, vodka, Worcestershire sauce, salt, and pepper and garnished with a celery stick. Mmm nectar of the gods...well at least of Roman emperors.

The popularity of the drink has been single-handedly responsible for Mott's fruit juice company raking in the revenues after inventing and then mass producing first Clamato juice - a pre-mixed concoction that replaced the hand-mashing of those clams each time the drink is prepared - and subsequently a Mott's Clamato Ready-To-Drink Caesar.
You know, Canada has a long, proud history of inentiveness, associated with our many national symbols. Things like the walkie-talkie, standard time, java programming language, the blackberry, the Canadarm, the electric wheelchair, pablum, and peanut butter.

And now, on the 40th anniversary of it's inception there's a move afoot to make the Bloody Caesar Canada's national cocktail. Yep, there's a petition out there aimed at just that. The aim is to present it to Canada's Parliament and to push for legislation proclaiming the Bloody Caesar Canada's national drink. Of course the petition is sponsored by Mott's. So even if the proclamation efforts aren't successful, I'm sure the resulting publicity won't hurt sales. But, hey, good on ya Mott's! And if their efforts are successful? "Friends, Canadians, countrymen lend me your clamato juice!"

Six More Days

Monday, 18 May 2009

And They All Lived Happily Ever After

A couple of weeks back I participated in a story meme created by several members of Humor Bloggers Dot Com. Remember Wanda, Jackee and the dinosaur dick? (Got your attention?) You know what? The meme is now complete. That's right after all it's tantalizing twists and turns it's completed, concluded, done, down, ended, finished, over, terminated, through, up, accomplished, achieved, attained, compassed, realized; dead, defunct, extinct, obsolete; expired - well, you kinda get the idea.

Hawaiian Pun at Write in the Kisser brought the whole cockamamie thing to a crashing conclusion. If you want you read the whole piece (and I use that word advisedly) from start to finish wander over to his site. You won't regret it. Well you might, but...

May Two-Four

"Today is the Queen's birthday."
"Except it's not."
"Well it's May 24th."
"Except it's not."
"Well ,then what the heck's going on."
"Only in Canada."
"Actually throughout the Commonwealth."

Confused? Your humble servant and hokey historian will attempt to explain. Technically all of the statements above are correct. Today is Victoria Day in Canada, where we observe Queen Victoria's birthday and the current monarch's birthday, even though this isn't really Queen Elizabeth's birthday. Queen Victoria (cute little thing isn't she) ruled the commonwealth for over 60 years, dying in 1901. Her birthday was the 24th of May but in Canada we celebrate it on the Monday before or if Monday falls on the 24th. So this year, it's the 18th of May. We do this so we get our first long weekend of the spring/summer season. Hence, May Two-Four. But in Canada this is a double-entendre because that's the term Canadians apply to a case of 24 beer, many of which are purchased to celebrate the Victoria Day Weekend.

And here's where things get even more interesting. Not only do we celebrate the birthday of a Queen of another country. But we buy beer made by companies from other countries.

Canada's second largest brewer Molson is owned by Coors. So much for it's wildly famous "I Am Canadian" advertising campaign!

The largest brewer in Canada Labatt's is owned by Belgian brewer Interbrew, now known as Anheuser-Busch InBev.

And so my friends, this little story has served to illustrate the quintessential Canadian. We invite ourselves to somebody else's birthday party and drink the other guests beer, eh!

Seven More Days

Sunday, 17 May 2009

You'll Have Been Everywhere, Man

Not since Ken Kesey and his Merry Pranksters has such a group of whacked out weirdos hit the highway. Some folks over at Humor Bloggers Dot Com are jumping aboard a magic bus of mirth and taking a virtual world tour to the cities where a dozen or so blogging buddies reside. Stay tuned in the days to come for updates. Here at nonamedufus we're going to be showcasing Aylmer, Quebec and, just a stone's throw across the river, Canada's capital, Ottawa.

FrankLeeMeiDear is the brains behind the bus tour. He's the creative force behind our trip. Check out his site, I Probably Don't Like You.

And if you want a sneak peek of our wild and wooly ride click here and we'll see you on the bus!

Lead With Your Chin

Editorial cartoonists had a field day last week. Former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney was appearing before a public inquiry into his post-PM business dealings with a German businessman during which Mr. Mulroney received large sums of cash in plain brown envelopes on three occasions. He never admitted to the payments and never payed tax on this income, until something like 5 years later. On one morning of his testimony he was up against the televised proceedings of a Parliamentary Committee reviewing the cicumstances surrounding a Liberal MP's (a very attractive one) possibly employing illegal immigrants as her mother's caregiver. When repeatedly asked why he never admitted to these payments in the past, Mulroney said, "No one asked me the question."

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