Thursday, 30 June 2011

It's the Tour de France, Ya Dope


Are you ready for it? It begins July 2nd and runs for three weeks. Three weeks! I can hardly bike for three hours.

When riders cross the finish line in Paris, France they will have travelled 3,430 kilometres. They'll bike in baking sun, pouring rain, through tiny towns, large cities, up huge mountains and down into low valleys at breakneck speed.

Can you imagine the shape you have to be in for something like this. It really is a test of endurance.

Of late, though, The Tour de France has been shrouded in controversy. A little while back former team mates of seven-time Tour winner Lance Armstrong went public with the news that they, and he, used performance enhancing drugs in order to have an edge on their competitors. Although Armstrong has long been accused of this practice he's always denied it. But his team mates say they witnessed him doping.


Now I don't mean to make light of this but some might question just what Armstrong is trying to "pedal" and just how he chooses to "frame" his argument.

The "seat" of the problem would seem to be his denials.

Of course this all came to light after a certain "chain" of events,

And Armstrong would have you believe that his former team mates are giving the public the "gears".

Of course his team mates counter that their former leader mis"spoke" himself.

Frankly I think everybody should get a "grip".

I mean give me a "brake".

This whole thing is starting to "tire" me out.

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Pause Ponder and Pun #86


Well I hate to needle you but it's that time again.

Let's see if you can inoculate folks with your humour.

I'm a big booster of you commenters, so leave a caption or two and we'll prick, er, pick a winner Saturday.

Monday, 27 June 2011

Disgruntled


Back in the days of my youth I wasn't always the most erudite of people. I know, to look at me now, that's difficult to fathom. But, alas, it's true. My mom would say things like, "Don't forget it's your night to wash the dishes" to which I'd reply "unhh". Or "If you don't clean up that room of yours soon those dirty clothes are going to start walking by themselves" and I'd respond "unhh".

I know. Hard as it is to believe as a teenager I was a grunter. Yeah, that's right. To anything said to me by someone in authority (older than me) I'd simply respond with that universal, mono-sylabic definitive statement of youth everywhere..."unhh".

Now at some point I grew out of this habit. Well at least in public. To this day I'm a bit of a grunter in the bathroom. But that may be a little too much information.

Elsewhere, though, in recent years grunting has become a growth industry. What used to be a term used to describe military infantrymen, grunts now refers to hard-playing, overly expressive tennis players, especially women. The Williams sisters, Anna Kournikova and all the rest. Sometimes if you close your eyes watching tennis sounds orgiastic. I confess, I watch tennis a lot.



Now, your humble correspondent has covered tennis in the past, commenting on women's revealing tennis fashion and men's colourful attire. Now while these player fashion faux pas may have elicited gasps it's the players themselves who are responsible for grunts.

Last week, after Belarus' Victoria Azarenka's grunts registered an ear-spliting, faux porcine ninety five decibels, tennis officials said enough's enough. Obviously ninety five decibels is exactly that...enough. They'll now allow opposing players to complain to the umpire about grunts if the practice becomes too distracting.

Biggest grunt in tennis.

I find this a sad development. Many finals have evolved into grunt-offs. And watching tennis has become quite an arousing experience. These days when I watch tennis I'm reminded of that famous line from "When Harry Met Sally" when, in a restaurant, Sally demonstrates to Harry how easy it is to fake an orgasm. After which the lady at the next table tells the waiter "I'll have what she's having".

Imagine how Azarenka interacts off the court. For example I'd hate to be the one taking her order at the McDonald's drive-thru:

"I'll have a Bic Mac" *95 decibel grunt*
"Large fries" *95 decibel grunt* "And a large diet coke" *95 decibel grunt*

Although, I must say at ninety five decibels the folks I really feel sorry for are Azarenka's neighbours. I'll bet they don't get a wink of sleep at night.

"Got a cigarette?"

Saturday, 25 June 2011

Pause Ponder and Poke Fun At Asian People

We had quite a discussion in the comments this week, prompted by Madge, who wrote a very funny, yet what might be considered by some bordering on culturally insensitive post featuring Asian folks. Oh, well. Screw 'em if they can't take a joke, eh Madge?

Speaking of Madge, if we were to base our winner on sheer volume both Madge and Cheryl P. would have both won this week, hands down. Way to contribute ladies!

As ever, we had many great captions, making it difficult to narrow our submissions down. But I think you'll like what we've come up with.

Personally, I thought this guy was just let go from a computer firm in China because he totally blew it when he was asked for his IP address. No, eh?

So let's see who else flung dung, er, who said what...


Jin does nothing to help the Asian stereotype of being called a 'yellow man'.



After being challenged by local thugs, Wing runs away humiliated for misinterpreting what was meany by a "pissing contest".



This is the exact opposite of a whiz kid, although he did get the whiz part right.



Hey, is that P. Did-he?
Cheryl P.



Our winner this week, I think, was trying to suck up to me. And she totally succeeded with...


Pause, ponder and pee.


Ha, ha Paula, that was very good. The definitive response, I think. I loved it. That really was the ideal pun. So you be hangin' with the dufus this week. Watchya wanna do? We better not drink too much 'cause ya know we may have to pause ponder and pee. Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, and I should point out. None of us have anything against Asian people. Some of our best friends are Asian people. Madge just thinks we should be fair and democratic and insult everyone! Just kidding, Madge.

See everyone next week.



Thursday, 23 June 2011

The 308, 592, 275th Most Interesting Man In The World


Have you seen my hero on TV? He usually shows up in commercials during sporting events. There's something Hemingway-esque about him. Guys around the world look up to him and want to be just like him. You know who I'm talking about? The most interesting man in the world...that's who:


Now that's one helluva guy. I want to be just like him. He's admired world-wide. Looked up to. He has rugged good looks. And he gets all the chicks.

Now I've been working on displacing this guy as the most interesting man in the world. I've been at this for a while. Working really hard. Here's how I've managed to become the 308, 592, 275th most interesting man in the world:

cue voice-over:

He's never one to brag about the close calls he's had.
He let's the skid marks on his shorts do the talking.



He's not a couch potato...he's an intellectual expert in television programming.



He always wears two pairs of pants when he golfs because he often gets a hole in one.



He drinks his beer out of the bottle because glasses are for little boys, babies and nerds.




He doesn't take pictures of his junk and post it on the internet.
Why would he when a statue of him is on display in Florence, Italy.


He's the 308, 592, 275th most interesting man in the world.

I always drink beer, and when I do it's never *spits* Dos Equis.

It's Thursday my friends.



Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Pause Ponder and Pun #85


Urine for a real treat this week.

Let's see how many captions are spot on.

This is a pic Rep. Weiner neglected to tweet.

Not unlike this guy I can't wait...to see your captions.

See ya Saturday.

Monday, 20 June 2011

Last Night I Went To The Fights And A Hockey Game Broke Out



What the hell was that all about? Last week The Vancouver Canucks lost game seven of the Stanley Cup series. They were well on their way to losing it when I went to bed after the second period. Imagine my shock to learn the next morning that not only did they lose the game but their fans went nuts in the streets of Vancouver.

Some said it wasn't so much hockey fans as anarchists who seized the opportunity to turn the crowd to their agenda of violence and destruction of property.


The televised images seemed to be from a far off middle eastern land. But wait, no, the backdrop was downtown Vancouver. There were bonfires, cars overturned and let on fire, fighting, looting, riot police. It was as if a nation's citizens had gathered to demonstrate against an undemocratic regime. But this was Canada. And the demonstration was about losing a hockey game.

I was dumbfounded. And as the images of the riot were broadcast worldwide, it was a deeply sad moment to be a Canadian.

But later, on the day after, those images were replaced by those of other people from Vancouver who had descended on downtown Vancouver not to continue the riot but to roll up their sleeves and clean up the mess left behind by the miscreants. These images were heart-warming. And in taking back their city, they condemned the violence.


A curious image, captured in the midst of the post-game violence was one of a kissing couple. As the image went globally viral interpretations of what the image meant varied. But in truth, the girl had been accidentally knocked down by a policeman's shield. Her boyfriend was trying to comfort her.


This and the "clean-up" images went a long way towards redeeming Canada's image world-wide. But time will only tell if the images of the violent melee in downtown Vancouver will ever be erased from the minds of Canadians.

Saturday, 18 June 2011

Pause Ponder and Pale Ale


You guys brewed up a lot of great captions this week. Too bad we can't share them all here. But we do have a few honourable mentions on tap...


The Beer Buddha



Ayyyyyy I'm the Fonz!
I can drink this beer without touching it! Look ma no hands!



Hey guys! Look what I can...BOOM!



Chuck Alug's picture was taken right before he died. His friends described his passing as "gut wrenching". It seems that his beer belly ruptured just as he was saying "This one is on me".



Our friend Moooooog went in an entirely different direction...a winning one, with his caption:

On the set of "Jon Ate Kate Plus 8"

Ha, ha, I didn't see that one coming. But then neither did Kate and her 8. Way to go Moooooog, you be hangin' with the dufus this week. Wanna grab a beer? We can start working on our physiques.

Thanks to everyone for playing a long. We'll see you all next week.

Thursday, 16 June 2011

Mixed Signals


Not too long ago, CBC Newsworld, an all-news, all-the-time television network - kind of like Canada's answer to CNN - went through a significant re-branding exercise. It emerged from this exercise with the name CBC News Network (duh) and it replaced all it's serious and sonorous and middle-aged male announcing staff with young, perky, perfectly coiffed and brightly dressed females.

They also implemented short catchy musical stingers and equally brief visual bumpers to transition viewers from one article or segment to another.

Making the transition complete was a big bright studio awash in soft hues of red and blue. Well, the transition was almost complete. The coup de grace was the removal of all the chairs in the studio. That's right. The anchormen, er, ah, make that women, would now stand to deliver the news.

I'd watch that!

Alas the changes, to many, turned what once was a staid and dependable source for a traditional approach to journalism into more of an Entertainment Tonight or MTV approach to the news. Some liked the change. Some didn't. Regardless, all saw it for what it was: an attempt to attract a younger viewer with a fuller wallet. This would entice advertisers to spend more to air their commercials on the public broadcaster. Ah, yes, CBC News Network is publicly funded, not unlike PBS in the States.

Did it work? Well you tell me. I tune in every morning for an hour or so to catch up on what's going on in the world. In that time, the self-proclaimed relevant and hip news source for Canadians aired the following commercials:

- an ad for the Acorn Stairlift that aids seniors with mobility problems to get up and down the stairs in their home in a moving chair

- an ad for CHIP, Canada's Home Income Plan that provides reverse mortgages for senior homeowners

- an ad for Comfort Bathing that promotes walk-in bathtubs for seniors

- an ad for Tena Adult Diapers to help with "bladder leakage" problems for those in their senior years

If I'm supposed to be gettin' down, gettin' it on or gettin' jiggy with the news, then why am I feeling so damn old?

I'm watching the news in double-ply comfort!


Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Pause Ponder and Pun #84


Can't wait to see what you guys come up with for this fella this week.

Don't keep those captions bottled up inside.

Let 'em flow.

We'll put a lid on all of this Saturday.
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