If I Had Kim Kardashian's Ass

I’m sure Kim Kardashian is a wonderful person. I mean being a reality show harlot and a sex tape queen aside – two essential celebutante assets, to be sure – I’m certain she’s a very nice individual, entirely worthy of being a BFF (Biggest Fanny Forever) to Paris “That’s So Hot” Hilton.

Speaking of two assets, there’s no doubt when snapped from behind by the pursuing paparazzi who those ass cheeks belong to. Uh-huh. None other than double K. She’s got it all over J- LO and Beyonce. All over. And that’s saying something ’cause those girls are really out there in the BAAS – Biggest Ass in America Sweepstakes.

Kim and her ass are so lucky compared to me and my boney rump. If I had KK’s ass…

1) sitting on a sharp object would go largely unnoticed

2) it wouldn’t go to sleep while sitting on the toilet

3) you could fart in public and not worry about it finding it’s way out until 3 days later

4) it would give new meaning to being cheeky

5) hell, it would give new meaning to turn the other cheek – “Look out. Step back. She’s getting ready to turn the other cheek!”

However on the down-side:

1) she has to grease up every time she wants to slip into a pair of jeans

2) she buys her thongs from Omar the tent maker

3) on the dance floor she’s never asked her to shake her booty

4) when she backs up she emits a “beep-beep-beep” sound

5) TSA agents fight over who gets to do the cavity search, in fact I think one might already be trapped in there

You know Kim’s a rich kid. But while she comes from a well-to-do family she says she’s had it hard. Between you and me I tend to think she’s never had to work her ass off, if you get my drift.

After all is said and done, though, I think you’d have to admit that’s one posterior for posterity.

This post about protruding posteriors first appeared at The Parody Files.