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Slime And Punishment

In Boise, Idaho a senior citizen was recently arrested after a string of unusual book deposits at her local library. It seems since 2009 someone had been leaving little surprises in the drive-up drop-boxes resulting in books being covered in such items as maple syrup, mayonnaise and ketchup.

The old condiment Queen was charged with 10 such slimy deposits over the last two years. Her efforts caused roughly $1,000 in damages.

Police say the woman, who's now spending a month in jail, apparently had some issues with the library's patrons and staff. Hmm. No kidding.

As I understand it, to save money, the library decided to simply rename some of the classic volumes the old biddy had damaged.

These books are rumoured to include:

To Syrup With Love

Pride and Pear Juice

Mess of the d'Urbervilles

The Invisible Yam

Don Chipotle

Great Eggspectations

The Red Badge of Ketchup

Uncle Tom's Mayo

Robinson Caruslaw

Middle Mush


The Unbearable Relish of Being

Moby Pick-le

The Ketchup in The Rye

The Strange Case of Dr Dijon and Grey Poupon

Librarians decided to leave Jean-Paul Sarte's classic Nausea well enough alone.

Police did not expect to encounter any further Grapes of Wrath as the 75 year-old culprit has been banned from the library for two years.


Cruella Collett said…
Tee hee, I think I would prefer some of these reads, actually, as some of the classics definitely could use some spice-ing up... Glad to hear she's been caught, though - there can be no sin greater than damaging a book!
nonamedufus said…
Cruella: As we all know if you relish books some of the classics can be quite a tasty read.
Boom Boom Larew said…
Perhaps it was her own way of banning the books. That Huckleberry jam smeared all over Mark Twain was inspired.
Donnie said…
I didn't see a footnote or credit anywhere so I assume you made came up with that list from the top of your head. Very well done. Right up your alley. How do you think like that? Weird and I like it.
kathcom said…
"Don Chipotle"--love it!
nonamedufus said…
Boom Boom: Well, she must have liked reading because she certainly devoured those books.
nonamedufus said…
Donnie: The story's true enough - weird as it is - but I couldn't resist taking some liberties in retitling a few classic tales.
nonamedufus said…
kathcom: Glad you did. Not sure Cervantes would share your enthusiasm.
00dozo said…
My condiments, oops, I mean compliments to your list of classics. "Don Chipotle" cracked me up! Ha!

Might I pepper your list further with:

Lord of the Fries
Worcestershire Heights
Ethan Fromage

nonamedufus said…
00dozo: Haha, those are good ones. I was torn on the title for my post. The other one was Crime and Garnishment.
Anonymous said…
Hahahahaha! This was MOST excellent and funny Sir Nomie! Eggspectations? LMBO royally!
Nicky said…
That was hysterical. I think, though, that a well-rounded diet is important, so I would include the following contemporary items:

The Hotdog Stand (Stephen King)

The Girl Who Played With the Deep-Fryer (I believe you read that one)

Tic Tac (James Patterson)

and, of course

Hotel on the Corner of Sweet & Sour Sauce (Jamie Ford)
nonamedufus said…
Quirks: I'm glad you relished them.
nonamedufus said…
Nicky: Oh, I love those. You've got the hang of this. The Girl Who Played With The Deep Fryer...nyuk, nyuk.

You know, Nicky, I'll bet the folks at this library were royally cheesed off.
00dozo said…
Ha! "Crime and Garnishment" is a good one and probably more appropos!

Good ones from Nicky, too!
nonamedufus said…
00dozo: Maybe I'll run potential headlines by you next time!
cardiogirl said…
I guess the lesson here is: don't piss off an old lady packin' mayo. I have to say I would have been furious with that lady.

I wonder if it's really Jane Fonda taking a stand.
nonamedufus said…
cardiogirl: Jane Fonda, yeah. Maybe she was shooting a sequel "They Deface Library Books, Don't They?"
Ziva said…
That's hilarious! How about The Kool-Aid Runner. Yeah, that's really all I have. I left my brain at work today.
nonamedufus said…
Ziva: Well if you're gonna leave it somewhere that's probably the best place.
Damnably clever, noname.
nonamedufus said…
Frank: That's a damn fine comment, Frank. Thanks.
meleah rebeccah said…
I love the name "The old condiment Queen" Ahahahahhahahahah. That's cracking me up!
nonamedufus said…
meleah rebeccah: Well thank you. I came up with that all by myself!
00dozo said…
Ha! "Crime and Garnishment" is a good one and probably more appropos!

Good ones from Nicky, too!

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