nonamedufus

You know you can tell you have too much time on your hands when you start thinking of things that bother you. Yeah, I've got nothing but time. And indigestion, but that's another story. I thought I'd introduce this as an once-in-a-while feature here. I kinda got the idea from Janna@ Jannaverse - you know, the funniest lady on the interwebs. Yeah, funny in a guffaw way. How guffaw? I dunno. Minnesota or Minneapolis or one of those M places. Pretty guffaw. Anyway, she's always making lists. Funny lists. She likes music too. But she doesn't make musical lists. If she did, those would be funny Liszts . So here we go. My first crack at things that annoy me. 1. Peas (c'mon, you had to have seen that coming. Like you don't know me by now? They've gotta be right up there with turnips and stewed prunes, strong candidates for future lists of things that annoy me.) 2. People who refuse to yield on the sidewalk or grocery aisle. I mean really folks, w...

What the...? I've heard of 50 Shades of Grey, but this? This sure puts a fine point on the dewey decimal system. Over to you guys. And no dicking around. See you Saturday.

Okay this isn't funny. But it could be. Three workers at a Deleware Daycare in Dover were recently arrested for holding their own little fight club. And by little I mean toddlers. Yeah, that's right they were coaching some baby boxers. Can you imagine a bunch of little guys barely old enough to walk and still in diapers being egged on to duke it out? Rumour has it one of them was named Dyler Turden. Ew. Messy. "Okay, I knocked him down. Now will you change my damn diaper?"  Three employees of Hands of Our Future Daycare (I'm not kidding you, that's what it's called) were arrested after a cellphone video got out in which a three year-old can be heard crying and yelling "He's pinching me." The caregiver, while pushing him back up against his pint-sized pugilist opponent can be heard saying "No pinching, only punching." The daycare has had its license suspended pending a hearing. Serves them right. Everybody knows rule...

What do you get when you cross a race horse with an ostrich? Probably something that looks like that thing in the picture. You guys had your own ideas. Let' take a look at some of them... The long shot, Aftershock, got boxed in and Alvarez had to pull her up shorter than he expected tp avoid a collision. Ticket holders were ecstatic when the filly came from behind to win by hald a length. Cheryl The real American Quarter Horse Shawn Sarah Jessic Parker heads out for her morning run. moooooog But the quip that made me bite my lip won the day... Professor Floxington comes in 16254th at the 1st and last annual all-LSD Olympics. Mike@We Work For Cheese Way to go Mike. Far out, dude. You be hangin' with the dufus this weekend. Peace, man. Groovy. Why don't you come over and I'll put on some Vanilla Fudge and we can bliss for awhile. Thanks to all who participated this week. We'll see y'all again Wednesday. ...

My horse would have won but she came up short! I've showed you mine. Now you show me yours. Trot back over on Saturday for the results.

Leave it to me to get bitten by a wasp with a sexually transmittable disease. Yeah, you heard me. Kinky, eh? No I don't think so. Stingy, maybe. I'll back up. Last Thursday I went golfing with Dufus Jr.  All was going well - as well as could be expected given each of our golf games - until we hit the back 9. We pulled up for our second stroke on #12 - a par three. I stopped the cart to the left of the pond, Jr. hopped out to take his shot. His tee shot had landed there; mine just shy of the green, straight on the pin but, alas, not quite out of the pond. All of a sudden I felt like someone was sticking pins and needles in me. Simultaneously, I noticed a disturbance in the air around me. Tons of tiny black things were buzzing around me erratically. All in one move I yelled at my son, swatted at the air and stepped on the gas. I must have looked quite comical because Jr. tells everyone, arms waving around my head and torso (me in the cart not him telling the story), ...

When I get stymied over something to write about one of my first activities is a visit to the weird news sites. They usually don't fail to inspire me. Well, maybe inspire isn't exactly the right word. I mean who are we kidding? We're not doing Ernest Hemingway here are we. Faulkner, maybe. Gotcha! Ready? I gotta say it took some time for the 3 Bears to get their revenge on Goldilocks but after all these years they finally came through. Of course Goldilocks only ate porridge and napped in their beds. For bears revenge is a dish best served bold. If you're going to Norway you may want to think twice before you rent a cabin. A family that did came home to quite the surprise upon their return. Seems a family of four bruins broke into their abode and partied on dude. Did you know a group of bears was called a "sleuth"? Seems appropriate since these guys sussed out bear party central. Yep, the four gorged themselves on all the food in the cabin including...

I'm not sure why but this woman has her headlights on in the middle of the day! Isn't that udderly ridiculous? Some of you thought so. And others had their own ideas this week... We had a lot of submissions this week, so it was doubly difficult to narrow things down. Thanks to everyone for playing along. Okay, let's see who made it into the runners-up column... I'm not saying this heifer is a lesbian. I just HERD she wasn't going to attend Chick-Fil-A's customer appreciation day! Skeeter The real reason California cows are so happy? They get a good chuckle whenever a long-haired hippie flashes his manboobs. Cheryl Karen quickly found out the local La Leche League was chock full of boring heifers. Katherine Nice teets. There, I said it. Mike And our winner this week milked his submission for all it was worth... Dude. Gross. She only has two. moooooog Way to go moooooog! You - and your manboobs - be ha...

Isn't she simply outstanding in her field? I think she's a little more than that and I'll leave it to you to tell me how so. May the breast pun win.

On our recent trip to Maine the first week of August, Mrs D. acted as my navigator. I'd consulted Google Maps in advance of our departure, and printed out the directions even though I pretty much knew the route. We were up with the birds to get a head start on the traffic and make it to our destination well before 5pm to check in without any problems. Things started off well. There was next to no traffic to Montreal. And crossing the border took less than 15-20 minutes. Our first real challenge was finding a spot to stop for breakfast and go pee. We'd bought a couple of large coffees in Rigaud, Quebec and we both seemed to be on the same schedule for a bathroom break. Funny how the driver's speed tends to increase when he has to go to the bathroom. I had to be careful about my speed, as my navigator pointed out once or twice (okay, I'm being kind) because my speedometer was in kilometres and, of course, in the States the mileage signs are in miles per hour. Anyw...