Monday, 28 February 2011

Women Are From Venus, Men Are From The Couch


It's a conspiracy, dammit. I swear. What do people have against men? Well, I'm not going to take this lying down. Although the results of a recent survey might indicate otherwise.

In Britain last week they released the results of yet another survey comparing men and women. The upshot would seem to be men are a bunch of layabouts. This research could be devastating it it falls into the wrong hands...like women!

Did you know, for instance, the average man spends one month searching for socks? Well, yeah, but that's because women keep losing them in the dryer when she does the guy's laundry.

Oh, and the average British guy spends 11 years of his lifetime in front of the TV. I don't know what they've got on television over there but it must be a whole lot better than Billy The Exterminator and Two And-A-Half Men. Must be all those soccer matches that the Brits mistakenly call football.

Guys will learn how to cook about 4 different meals throughout their lifetime, (fast learners, eh?) spend about 10,500 hours in the pub - I think these two things might be connected - and will say "I'm sorry" close to 2 million times in their lifetime. Shit, you'd think these guys were Canadian.

The survey also says the average British woman spends 8.5 years of her life shopping. No surprise there.

But here's a fact about British women I'm somewhat reluctant to pass on. The average woman apparently has four times as many brain cells as men connecting the left and right side of their brains. This makes them better at problem solving and multi-tasking.

If that's the case, then why haven't they found those socks they've lost?


Saturday, 26 February 2011

Pause Ponder And A Precocious Pipsqueak

When I was little and my mom would catch me making faces she'd always say something like "You keep that up and Jack Frost will freeze that face of yours". I don't think this kid's mother passed on the same sage advice.

But leave it to you guys. You had advice.

laughingmom told her:

Hey, that is what I'll look like after numerous botox treatments and two facelifts.



Chris@Knucklehead picked up on her being at a baseball game and threw this zinger:

How Pittsburgh Pirates fans keep themselves entertained so they don't actually have to watch the game.



But Boom Boom who recently fell down and went boom boom and has been laid up for a while wins our little contest by adapting her caption to her thrill of going back to work:

The children at school respond to the news that Boom Boom will be returning to work next week!

Ha, ha, Boom Boom I love it! You be hangin' with the dufus this week for that one. And good luck with the munchkins next week. Don't let them "trip" you up, eh?



Thursday, 24 February 2011

What's In A Name?


We live in an amazing world. The latest civilian uprising against an oppressive government is currently occurring in Libya. And the world's media can't even agree on how to spell the leader's name. Some say the revolution may take longer than agreeing on the spelling of his name. For instance, I've seen:

Gaddafi

Khadafy

Gadhafi

Qadhafi

Qaddafi

Apparently the Library of Congress lists 72 alternate spellings. In addition, the New York Times, the Associated Press and the Xinhua news agencies have used another 40 different spellings since 1998.

Some have called him Qadaffy Duck.

Others prefer Daffy Douche.

I may have found a new one:

Mary Poppins.

Wednesday, 23 February 2011

Pause Ponder and Pun #68

Yeah, same to you kid!

What do you think of her?

Let me know.

We'll stretch this out to Saturday and then announce our winner.

Monday, 21 February 2011

It's No Longer Finger Lickin' Good


Kentucky Fried Chicken is a fast food institution. Colonel Harland Sanders first started serving his fried chicken recipe in 1930 in a roadside gas station. Maybe that's where the phrase "eat here, get gas" comes from. He opened his first restaurant in 1952 and quickly expanded. Saunders sold his franchising operation in 1964 and it passed through several owners until PepsiCo took it over in 1986 and spun it off under the Yum Brands banner in the late 1990s. Sanders remained as the primary spokesman for KFC until he died in 1980. Even after his death his image remains a central component of the firms advertising.

I remember eating Kentucky Fried Chicken as a kid. It was always a treat because it was a nice change from homemade meatloaf and tuna casserole (with peas - but that's another story). And besides, unlike anything else I ever ate, this stuff really was "finger lickin' good". As an adult, though, I've steered clear of KFC ever since I read that story that KFC was actually KFD - Kentucky Fried Dog. Okay, maybe I dreamed it.

But no more. Nope. KFC has announced it's dispensing with the slogan "finger lickin' good" because it wants to change its negative nutritional image. Hell, they don't have to change their slogan. They just have to get rid of their caloric crispy cancer plop on a plate, the Double Down. KFC intends to go with the new slogan "So Good". Yeah, like James Brown isn't rolling over in his grave. I wonder if his family will get any royalties.


You may not have known this but the folks at KFC cogitated long and hard on their new chicken catchword. Yep. Some of the phrases they came up with but quickly discarded included:

Don't Be A Dork, Use A Knife and Fork

No More Lickin' Our Chicken But It Keeps On Tickin'

We Make Chicken Light

Fuckit, Get The Bucket

Double Down and Die

It's Not Money For Nothin', Our Chicks Aren't Free (Range)

Don't Pick Your Nose, Pick Our Chicken

Voulez Vous Manger Poulet Ce Soir?

KFC Gives You Wings

Do You Like Our Buns?

Our Breasts Are Best

We've Got Legs And We Know How To Use Them

Watch, Our Chicken Strips!


Then, again, after having watched the following commercial maybe it's time for a change.

Saturday, 19 February 2011

Pause Ponder and "Pardon Me?"

Our commenters showed their ear for a good joke this week. Eerie, don't you think? (I wonder if any of them live near Lake Erie?) Okay, okay. Enough with the ear jokes from me. But from you? Well let's see who's hangin' with dufus this week.

Well Everyday Goddess hasn't just been listening but has actually been reading my posts this week:

"You see, it's very simple. When you wear these specially designed hearing cups, you tune into the frequency emitted by the tiny, red ants and you will hear the secrets of the universe revealed. I am currently annotating all that I have learned from hours and hours of listening to their wise leader, Antera. Coincidentally, she told me that all od the songs of Johnny Cash have hidden meanings."




Uh-huh, and what has your therapist had to say about this? Meanwhile, our blogless buddy ba_hutch apparently had an ear worm with:

I've always thought that Harry Connick Jr. had a great ear for music...now I know why.




00dozo gave us a little history on eavesdropping with her entry:

The CIA's precursor to the ear bud.




But my ears pricked up with Moooooog's comment, who really returned to form this week with:


Obama's new health insurance plan also pays for hearing aids.



Okay, Moooooog, welcome back to the winner's cricle. You be hangin' with the dufus this week. Wah-hoo. Way to go! And thanks to all for playing these captions just keep getting better and better. See you all next Wednesday.

Oh, and drop by these people's blogs by clicking on the links. These guys work hard for the funny.

Thursday, 17 February 2011

Channeling Johnny Cash


I've been on a bit of a Johnny Cash jag lately; listening to his American Recordings series, his historic At Folsom Prison and several CDs of his collected works. I've kinda had Johnny Cash on the brain. And it got me to thinking, "Hey, maybe there's a hidden meaning behind his song titles."

What got me going was I Walk the Line. When were were younger the lyrics we sang were, "I keep my pants done up with a piece of twine, because you're mine, just pull the twine". Yeah, pretty silly, eh? Well, you ain't seen nothin' yet.

I Walk The Line
The mantra of the surviving members of the Flying Wallendas.


Ring Of Fire
The result of drinking 13 Coronas the night before.


Man In Black
What they called that movie before they signed Will Smith to co-star with Tommy Lee Jones.


One Piece At A Time
Rules for successfully completing jigsaw puzzles


Send A Picture Of Mother
His first request if Norman Bates had gone to prison.


A Boy Named Sue
Because your mother really, really wanted a girl.

OR

The name of your personal injury lawyer.


The Beast In Me
That's the last time I order those double Tabasco sauce-laced burritos with jalapeno peppers.


Cry, Cry, Cry
I said that's the last time I order those double Tabasco sauce-laced burritos with jalapeno peppers.


Personal Jesus
The Latino fella that you pay under the table for doing your gardening.


Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Pause Ponder and Pun #67


What's this all about?

Well, you tell me.

Me, I think the guy's just potty.

Plant your thoughts in the comments and we'll share the best on Saturday.

Monday, 14 February 2011

I Put The Toilet Seat Down, Happy Valentine's Day


I took the Mrs. out for dinner Saturday to a romantic little bistro. It was preceded by an idyllic little afternoon walk in the snow. It was a head start on Valentine's day. I said to her, "Gee, I think the last time we were here the restaurant had a different name and we sat over there". "No" she said "it was over there and it was for Valentine's day." "Wow" I said "I'm so good to you...at least once a year."

But now it seems I may be romantic throughout the year, if I'm to believe what the vast majority of men think is romantic.

Me and Mrs D - in my mind.

A recent survey conducted by the firm Sainsbury's found the majority of men thought some very interesting activities constituted romance. Here are the top 10 and a comparison of how I've done:

Doing the ironing - ironing? What's that?

Doing the dishes - every day. After all it's the least I can do after she's paid for the take out.

Putting the garbage out - I'll put it in the bin during the week, but I let her bring the bins to the curb once a week because I know how much she likes to do that.

Doing the vacuuming - absolutely, when asked, sometimes.

Cleaning up after myself - well, yeah. The bathroom's a man's domain and I'm not that far gone yet.

Not farting in bed - how would I know. I'm asleep.

Agreeing to watching a chick flick - I don't mind the odd wildlife picture.

Offering to make a cup of tea - tea's a chick (different chick) thing.

Letting her watch what she wants on TV - oh, absolutely. That's why we have a second TV in the basement that she can watch anytime.

Putting a load of washing on - I've offered but ever since I shrunk half her sweaters and put my red socks in with her white blouse, I've been banned. (Good strategy, eh?)

It didn't make the Top 10 but another thing men think is romantic is putting down the toilet seat. This I excel at. It's been something ingrained in me ever since someone I know fell into the toilet bowl in the middle of the night.

Happy Valentine's Day, honey. I put down the toilet seat. I love you.


Saturday, 12 February 2011

Pause Ponder and Poseurs

I think we scared off some of our captioners with our picture this week. But there were some funny comments nonetheless.

Boom Boom Larew dove into the competition with:

Sinking in debt, George and Sylvia sell all but their bathing caps to pay the rent.




Bluezy went under with:

Olympic hopefuls from the little known Northern island of Hoono wear their caps everywhere to get psyched up for the competition. At a hotel room party, friends are taking bets on of Marty will puke or Ellen will pass out.




And Nicky made waves with:

Gertrude and Arnold failed to convince the IOC that unsynchronized swimming should be added to the list of Olympic sports.




But it was Malisa who really floated to the top with:

Tom had convinced Babs that going down was an Olympic event.


Woo-hoo Malisa that was a good one. Way to go, girl. This week you be hangin' with the dufus. Congratulations.


Thursday, 10 February 2011

Tush Touché

When I first read the story I'm about to relate to you I thought of that old line "I need a new butt, mine's got a crack in it." Okay, so I laughed when when I was thirteen. Not so much now. But I had to laugh at the following story, even though, speaking of butts, it came to a sad end.

Police in Philadelphia are investigating the circumstances of a British woman's death. She apparently died of complications from butt enhancement surgery. Now get this. The surgery didn't take place in a doctor's office or even in a hospital. It took place in a hotel room. Yeah. The Hampton Inn near the Philadelphia International Airport. I don't know about you but I'm bummed out.

What did this woman think she was getting in for? A butt enhancement job in a hotel? Yeah, right. And why? Did she want a new keister for Easter? Did she want to impress her husband dear with a new rear? Was she hoping to push for a tush like J. Lo?

What an asset!

How the heck did all this come to p-ass? (heh, heh) Did the hotel accidently place an ambiguous ad in the London Times aimed at getting the homeless off the streets of Philadelphia?

"Stay With Us. No Bums Turned Away"

Maybe it was the doctor who placed small discreet messages in the Guardian want-ads:

"Do your mates say you have a boney butt? Well now you can turn the other cheek!"

Geez, what if it was the city itself that enticed Brits abroad:

"Visit the City of Brotherly Love and Leave Your Worries Behind"

or

"Philadelphia: The City That Loves You(r) Back(side)!"

The procedure, not recognized by the FDA, involves silicon injections. Yeah, probably at "inflated" prices, too. And how "wide-spread" is this surgery? I'll bet there's no "end" to the number of illicit butt enhancers out there.

Well, it's hard to see a positive aspect to this sad tale (tail?). But I guess we could say that for this poor unidentified female that the worst is behind her.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Pause Ponder and Pun #66

Jump in to this week's caption contest.

Go on. Don't be afraid to make a splash.

Just remember: we don't swim in your toilet so don't pee in our pool.

See you Saturday when we come up for air.

Monday, 7 February 2011

Slime And Punishment



In Boise, Idaho a senior citizen was recently arrested after a string of unusual book deposits at her local library. It seems since 2009 someone had been leaving little surprises in the drive-up drop-boxes resulting in books being covered in such items as maple syrup, mayonnaise and ketchup.

The old condiment Queen was charged with 10 such slimy deposits over the last two years. Her efforts caused roughly $1,000 in damages.

Police say the woman, who's now spending a month in jail, apparently had some issues with the library's patrons and staff. Hmm. No kidding.


As I understand it, to save money, the library decided to simply rename some of the classic volumes the old biddy had damaged.

These books are rumoured to include:

To Syrup With Love

Pride and Pear Juice

Mess of the d'Urbervilles

The Invisible Yam

Don Chipotle

Great Eggspectations

The Red Badge of Ketchup

Uncle Tom's Mayo

Robinson Caruslaw

Middle Mush

Catsup-22

The Unbearable Relish of Being

Moby Pick-le

The Ketchup in The Rye

The Strange Case of Dr Dijon and Grey Poupon

Librarians decided to leave Jean-Paul Sarte's classic Nausea well enough alone.

Police did not expect to encounter any further Grapes of Wrath as the 75 year-old culprit has been banned from the library for two years.
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