Skip to main content

Things That Go Poop In The Night

Not me. No. At my age I'm up about 4 or 5 times to pee. But not pooh. I called the post that because I have a touch of insomnia tonight and when you can't sleep the mind can have some pretty odd thoughts.

For instance, I've come to believe that one can determine how secure their marriage is in proportion to how often their spouse farts in their presence. Now in the early stages of a relationship this would never happen. Well, hardly maybe. Then as time passes, gasses passes too. It'll start with a little putt, followed by an "oops, I'm sorry". But as the relationship becomes more profound, so do the farts until you've reached the point where you let one rip without so much as an "excuse me". I just can't put into words how gratified I am by my spouse's security in our marriage. I love you too, hon. Despite your little farts, er, faults.

Another thing that popped up was back when I was in the hospital after my last bone marrow transplant in 2010, the medical staff took a keen interest in my bowel movements. Was it hard? Was it soft? Was it liquid? Was it solid? I know, I know, TMI. Nowadays there's an app for that. I kid you not. I have it on my iPhone (the app that is. I don't take my phone into the toilet.) and it's called iPoop. Based on how many times you go in a day and the colour and the shape of your deposit you can learn just what causes the kind of poop you're, um, stuck with.

My final thought on this subject had to do with likening what went on in my intestines to computer terms. (Hey, I don't know where these thoughts come from.) You know, like I download a meal as though I were downloading songs from iTunes. Then I'll upload my "personal item" to my favourite site - American Standard. It's like You Tube but without the video. And just like You Tube, sometimes you run into technical problems. Sometimes the connection can be intermittent. Sometimes the connection doesn't work at all. And other times you've gotta spend a little extra time on the docking station.

It's amazing the things one thinks of when one's sleep-deprived.

Right now I'm a little flushed.

Insomnia can be pretty weird.

I wonder if there's an app for that?


Quirky Loon said…

You funny man. You funny SLEEPLESS man!

You so funny.

And I can't believe there is truly a poopy app.... I'll take your word on that one. And I'm shocked that there is not a counting sheep app!

But in this case... I'm glad.!

Keep pooping! heh heh
nonamedufus said…
iPOOP, therefore iAM!
Linda Medrano said…
I hate insomnia with a passion. I usually sleep like a log and I really am a person who NEEDS my sleep. My kids laugh at me because I am very concerned with my dogs' poo. I look at it carefully. To me, it shows how they are feeling. The regular "solid, well-formed" is what I consider "everything is fine". The watery, mushy or weird is cause from concern.

Get some rest. Even if it's not sleep,it helps.
nonamedufus said…
It's actually the chemo pills I take. Monday's the big day...and usually the sleepless night.

On the pooh think, I don't over analyze it via visual inspection. It's usually just a feeling I have, if you know what I mean. (Now that is TMI)
meleahrebeccah said…
OMG. I am dying laughing because the opening of this blog post TOTALLY reminds me of the video below. Seriously, it's probably one of the funniest things I've ever seen, and I promise you will enjoy it as well.


I've always wondered WHY medical professionals are seemingly obsessed with fecal matter! But I cannot get over the fact that there's an APP for it! That's crazy!

PS: I am super glad you're feeling well enough to post on your blog again!
nonamedufus said…
That video was simply hilarious, Meleah. I guess nothing says "I love you" like a fart from the heart.
meleahrebeccah said…
YAY! I knew you'd appreciate it as much as I do!
Nicky said…
Is it any wonder I hate the iPhone? iPoop! Sigh. Definitely for appholes. :-)Glad to see you back Dufus. Now get some sleep!
K A B L O O E Y said…
Hey, Dufus, I'm so sorry to read (belatedly) that you had to postpone your vacation for health reasons. I'm behind in my reading because our family's been dealing with my mother's bout #3 with the effing C. But she's doing great and I hope you are too. Hope there's a hammock and a siesta in your near future. You deserve it.
nonamedufus said…
Thanks, KABLOOEY. Sorry to hear about your mom but glad she's doing okay. This disease is a bugger.
nonamedufus said…
I'm going to let that apphole comment slip. (Wish I'd thought of it.)
Boom Boom Larew said…
Things that go poop in the night? That's going to be me after I get my gallbladder out next month. Bring it!
nonamedufus said…
In your case it'll be things that go boom boom in the night. Best of luck with those medical challenges of yours.
Dr Max Tunguska said…
Ah now my wife believes her farts are nectar of the gods and mine stink. She is half right.
nonamedufus said…
Who knew there was a deity of dung, a religion of reverberation, farty followers?
Brett Minor said…
In today's world, I think it may be hard to think of anything that there is NOT an app for.

Popular posts from this blog

My Back Pages - November

I read five books last month bringing my year to date total to 61, well past the 50 I estimated at the beginning of the year. And I've yet to get through December.

The month started out with The Nix, the debut novel by Nathan Hill which has been receiving a lot off positive reviews. In it Hill flips back and fourth from the 1968 Chicago protests and 2011 in a desperate search for the truth behind why his mother abandoned him at an early age. In between Hill takes on politics, the media and addiction as well as other aspects of society. It's a well-spun tale and I quite enjoyed reading it.

Next up was the auto-biographical I Am Brian Wilson of Beach Boys fame. This was somewhat of a scattered affair but an interesting read nonetheless. Wilson - or his ghostwriter - however is no Hemingway.

Then it was on to one of my favourite authors, Ian Rankin and his latest tale of now retired Inspector John Rebus, Rather Be The Devil. I never tire of these stories and this is the 21st in …

My Back Pages - 2016

Here, as promised is a month-by-month breakdown of the 67 books I delved into this year. I got off to a strong start and then my intake dwindled for a couple of months until picking back up in April. I'll let you in on my favourites at the end of this list.


Here, There and Everywhere:
My Life Recording the Music of the Beatles - Geoff Emerick - ****
H is for Hawk - Helen Macdonald - ***
Close To The Edge - The Story of Yes - Chris Welch - ***
Sweet Caress - William Boyd - ****


Purity by Jonathan Franzen 
Still Alice by Lisa Genova.


Natchez Burning - Greg Iles
The Promise (Elvis Cole #20) - Robert Crais


The Snowman (Harry Hole)- Joe Nesbo ****
Phantom (Harry Hole) - Joe Nesbo ****
The Leopard (Harry Hole) - Jo Nesbo ****


George Harrison Reconsidered ***
The Heart Goes Last - Margaret Atwood ****
Dropping The Needle - The Vinyl Dialogues Volume II ***
The Electric Mist with the Confederate Dead, (Dave Robicheaux #6) - James Lee Burke****


 Lust and Wonder - Aug…

Traveling Along Singing A Song

Pete and Paulie were strolling along one day. The sun was bright, the air was cool, the birds chirped crazily in the trees and the squirrels  munched merrily on their nuts. Well not their nuts exactly. Nuts they found on the ground and in the gardens in the park.

Paulie felt so good he began to whistle. It wasn't any tune in particular, just one of those annoyingly tuneless whistles that wandered all over the place. Pete looked at Paulie and he squiggled up his nose and he said "What the hell is that?" Paulie replied "Oh nothing in particular. I'm just happy." "But you're not even whistling a tune" said Pete. Paulie replied "If you're so wise I'd like to see you do better, Pete."

Pete went silent for a moment and seemed to mumble to himself for a moment or two. Then he cleared his throat with a little cough, he opened his mouth and he began to sing.

"There once was a king very wise
Who spoke to his enemies in disguise