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Some Jokes

A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first evening was free, and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that served Scrod, a Massachusetts specialty. Getting into a taxi, he asked the cab driver, "Do you know where I can get Scrod around here?" "Sure," said the cabdriver. "I know a few places... but I can tell you it's not often I hear someone use the third-person pluperfect indicative anymore"

I called my boss to tell him I'll be out sick. The boss pressed for specifics, so I said, "Sir, I have rectal glaucoma." "And what does that mean?" asked the boss. "I just can't see my ass coming in to work today." I replied

A man suspected of SARS is lying in bed with a mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands."Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"Embarrassed the young nurse replies: "I don't know Mr. *****, I'm only here to wash yourface and hands."He struggles again to ask: "Are my testicles black?"Again the nurse replies: "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong."Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced: "Nothing wrong with your testicles."At this the man pulled off his mask and asked again: "I said...Are my test results back!?"

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich. The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?" "Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck. "Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me." So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!" "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus" says the bartender. "The circus?" the duck enquires. "That's right," replies the bartender. "The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck. "That's right!" says the bartender. The duck looks confused and asks: "What the heck do they want with a dry waller?"

Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate:

Book: Exit Music by Ian Rankin

Music: Kill to Get Crimson by Mark Knopfler


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