Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. ~ Phyllis Diller
Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music. ~ Tom Sims
Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? ~ Bill Watterson
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. ~ W. C. Fields
Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet. ~ Unknown
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. ~ Johnny Carson
Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present. ~ Unknown
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. ~ Phyllis Diller
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. ~ Johnny Carson
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. ~ Bernard Manning
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ~ Erma Bombeck
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark. ~ Dick Gregory
The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. ~ Joan Rivers
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" ~ Dave Barry
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. ~ Unknown
Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year. ~ Victor Borge
Count your blessings this Christmas. Go ahead and use fractions if you have to. ~ Mark (ShoeBoxBlog)
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