Okay, I admit it. I'm not perfect. Hard to believe, I know. Many of you may have thought so. You may think I lead the perfect life, am happily married, very content with everything I have. But I must admit that there are times I need help. Some direction. Answers to the many questions I have about love, life and whether I should drop off and see Nicky next time I'm in Montreal. Sad for me to have to say all this and I hope I haven't let you down.
What's my secret? How have I been able to fool you for so long? Well, if you promise not to tell anyone, I'll let you in on a little ssomething. I am a devotee of Confucianism.
Confused? Allow me to illucidate. "Can he do that without drugs?" you may well ask. Well, we're about to find out.
At least once a day I zone out. My wife thinks it's when she's talking to me but not true. I meditate. Yep. I sit cross-legged on the floor and am transported to another place for an hour. It'd be about half that time if I was able to untangle my legs sooner. The place I am transported to is an audience with that great Chinese philosopher and "Model Teacher For Ten Thousand Ages", Confucius.
A typical conversation might go a little like this:
NND: Oh wise Confucius thank you once again for allowing me the honour of being in your presence.
C: You brought presents?
After all these year Confucius is a little hard of hearing.
NND: Confucius, I am so confused by a number of things. For example, my dog is always chasing behind cars.
C: Dog who always chase behind cars soon to be exhausted.
NND: Good one Mr. C. What do you know about affairs of the heart?
C: Man who fight with wife during day get no piece at night.
NND: I'll keep that in mind. Do you watch baseball?
C: Baseball is silly. Man with four balls cannot walk!
NND: Um, okay. Listen, I'm thinking of doing some renovations; adding more windows. Mrs D wants more light in the house. What do you think?
C: Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in the basement.
NND: On another subject, my friend Ziva is a terrific writer and has a great memory. But her friend Nicky is kind of scattered and can be so forgetful. Why are people so different sometimes?
C: Everyone have photographic memory. Maybe Nicky just doesn't have film.
NND: Could you explain that popular saying a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?
C: A bird in hand make it hard to blow nose.
NND: Okay, I'll remember that. Listen Mr. C, our session is almost up. What piece of advice can you leave me with knowing life has it's up and downs, not unlike an elevator? Gee, I'm starting to talk like you.
C: Crowded elevator smell very different to midget.
Confucius say link up with Nicky and Mike at We Work For Man Who Eat Photo of Dad Often Spitting Image of Father and check out what else Confucius say.
Comments
I love this here post
of all of the punners you give the most
Sage advice you give us with words and a smile
If Confucius was near you he'd stay for awhile
Signed, L-M
You write like John Prine
Don't get me wrong, I think it's just fine
When it comes to Confucius he wrote in Chinese
Who knows if "Confucius says" means "We Work For Cheese"
Singed, No Whey.
AhhAHhHAhHAhHAH!!! That was hilarious!