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Showing posts from February, 2011

Women Are From Venus, Men Are From The Couch

It's a conspiracy, dammit. I swear. What do people have against men? Well, I'm not going to take this lying down. Although the results of a recent survey might indicate otherwise. In Britain last week they released the results of yet another survey comparing men and women. The upshot would seem to be men are a bunch of layabouts. This research could be devastating it it falls into the wrong women! Did you know, for instance, the average man spends one month searching for socks? Well, yeah, but that's because women keep losing them in the dryer when she does the guy's laundry. Oh, and the average British guy spends 11 years of his lifetime in front of the TV. I don't know what they've got on television over there but it must be a whole lot better than Billy The Exterminator and Two And-A-Half Men. Must be all those soccer matches that the Brits mistakenly call football. Guys will learn how to cook about 4 different meals throughout their lifetime, (f

Sunday Funnies

Pause Ponder And A Precocious Pipsqueak

When I was little and my mom would catch me making faces she'd always say something like "You keep that up and Jack Frost will freeze that face of yours". I don't think this kid's mother passed on the same sage advice. But leave it to you guys. You had advice. laughingmom told her: Hey, that is what I'll look like after numerous botox treatments and two facelifts. Chris@Knucklehead picked up on her being at a baseball game and threw this zinger: How Pittsburgh Pirates fans keep themselves entertained so they don't actually have to watch the game. But Boom Boom who recently fell down and went boom boom and has been laid up for a while wins our little contest by adapting her caption to her thrill of going back to work: The children at school respond to the news that Boom Boom will be returning to work next week! Ha, ha, Boom Boom I love it! You be hangin' with the dufus this week for that one. And good luck with the munchkins next week. Don't let

What's In A Name?

We live in an amazing world. The latest civilian uprising against an oppressive government is currently occurring in Libya. And the world's media can't even agree on how to spell the leader's name. Some say the revolution may take longer than agreeing on the spelling of his name. For instance, I've seen: Gaddafi Khadafy Gadhafi Qadhafi Qaddafi Apparently the Library of Congress lists 72 alternate spellings. In addition, the New York Times, the Associated Press and the Xinhua news agencies have used another 40 different spellings since 1998. Some have called him Qadaffy Duck. Others prefer Daffy Douche. I may have found a new one: Mary Poppins.

Pause Ponder and Pun #68

Yeah, same to you kid! What do you think of her? Let me know. We'll stretch this out to Saturday and then announce our winner.

It's No Longer Finger Lickin' Good

Kentucky Fried Chicken is a fast food institution. Colonel Harland Sanders first started serving his fried chicken recipe in 1930 in a roadside gas station. Maybe that's where the phrase "eat here, get gas" comes from. He opened his first restaurant in 1952 and quickly expanded. Saunders sold his franchising operation in 1964 and it passed through several owners until PepsiCo took it over in 1986 and spun it off under the Yum Brands banner in the late 1990s. Sanders remained as the primary spokesman for KFC until he died in 1980. Even after his death his image remains a central component of the firms advertising. I remember eating Kentucky Fried Chicken as a kid. It was always a treat because it was a nice change from homemade meatloaf and tuna casserole (with peas - but that's another story). And besides, unlike anything else I ever ate, this stuff really was "finger lickin' good". As an adult, though, I've steered clear of KFC ever since I read tha

Sunday Funnies

Pause Ponder and "Pardon Me?"

Our commenters showed their ear for a good joke this week. Eerie, don't you think? (I wonder if any of them live near Lake Erie?) Okay, okay. Enough with the ear jokes from me. But from you? Well let's see who's hangin' with dufus this week. Well Everyday Goddess hasn't just been listening but has actually been reading my posts this week: "You see, it's very simple. When you wear these specially designed hearing cups, you tune into the frequency emitted by the tiny, red ants and you will hear the secrets of the universe revealed. I am currently annotating all that I have learned from hours and hours of listening to their wise leader, Antera. Coincidentally, she told me that all od the songs of Johnny Cash have hidden meanings." Uh-huh, and what has your therapist had to say about this? Meanwhile, our blogless buddy ba_hutch apparently had an ear worm with: I've always thought that Harry Connick Jr. had a great ear for I know why. 00do

Channeling Johnny Cash

I've been on a bit of a Johnny Cash jag lately; listening to his American Recordings series, his historic At Folsom Prison and several CDs of his collected works. I've kinda had Johnny Cash on the brain. And it got me to thinking, "Hey, maybe there's a hidden meaning behind his song titles." What got me going was I Walk the Line . When were were younger the lyrics we sang were, "I keep my pants done up with a piece of twine, because you're mine, just pull the twine". Yeah, pretty silly, eh? Well, you ain't seen nothin' yet. I Walk The Line The mantra of the surviving members of the Flying Wallendas. Ring Of Fire The result of drinking 13 Coronas the night before. Man In Black What they called that movie before they signed Will Smith to co-star with Tommy Lee Jones. One Piece At A Time Rules for successfully completing jigsaw puzzles Send A Picture Of Mother His first request if Norman Bates had gone to prison. A Boy Named Sue Because you

Pause Ponder and Pun #67

What's this all about? Well, you tell me. Me, I think the guy's just potty. Plant your thoughts in the comments and we'll share the best on Saturday.

I Put The Toilet Seat Down, Happy Valentine's Day

I took the Mrs. out for dinner Saturday to a romantic little bistro. It was preceded by an idyllic little afternoon walk in the snow. It was a head start on Valentine's day. I said to her, "Gee, I think the last time we were here the restaurant had a different name and we sat over there". "No" she said "it was over there and it was for Valentine's day." "Wow" I said "I'm so good to least once a year." But now it seems I may be romantic throughout the year, if I'm to believe what the vast majority of men think is romantic. Me and Mrs D - in my mind. A recent survey conducted by the firm Sainsbury's found the majority of men thought some very interesting activities constituted romance. Here are the top 10 and a comparison of how I've done: Doing the ironing - ironing? What's that? Doing the dishes - every day. After all it's the least I can do after she's paid for the take out. Putting the garb

Sunday Funnies

Pause Ponder and Poseurs

I think we scared off some of our captioners with our picture this week. But there were some funny comments nonetheless. Boom Boom Larew dove into the competition with: Sinking in debt, George and Sylvia sell all but their bathing caps to pay the rent. Bluezy went under with: Olympic hopefuls from the little known Northern island of Hoono wear their caps everywhere to get psyched up for the competition. At a hotel room party, friends are taking bets on of Marty will puke or Ellen will pass out. And Nicky made waves with: Gertrude and Arnold failed to convince the IOC that unsynchronized swimming should be added to the list of Olympic sports. But it was Malisa who really floated to the top with: Tom had convinced Babs that going down was an Olympic event. Woo-hoo Malisa that was a good one. Way to go, girl. This week you be hangin' with the dufus. Congratulations.

Tush Touché

When I first read the story I'm about to relate to you I thought of that old line "I need a new butt, mine's got a crack in it." Okay, so I laughed when when I was thirteen. Not so much now. But I had to laugh at the following story, even though, speaking of butts, it came to a sad end. Police in Philadelphia are investigating the circumstances of a British woman's death. She apparently died of complications from butt enhancement surgery. Now get this. The surgery didn't take place in a doctor's office or even in a hospital. It took place in a hotel room. Yeah. The Hampton Inn near the Philadelphia International Airport. I don't know about you but I'm bummed out. What did this woman think she was getting in for? A butt enhancement job in a hotel? Yeah, right. And why? Did she want a new keister for Easter? Did she want to impress her husband dear with a new rear? Was she hoping to push for a tush like J. Lo? What an asset! How the heck did all thi

Pause Ponder and Pun #66

Jump in to this week's caption contest. Go on. Don't be afraid to make a splash. Just remember: we don't swim in your toilet so don't pee in our pool. See you Saturday when we come up for air.

Slime And Punishment

In Boise, Idaho a senior citizen was recently arrested after a string of unusual book deposits at her local library. It seems since 2009 someone had been leaving little surprises in the drive-up drop-boxes resulting in books being covered in such items as maple syrup, mayonnaise and ketchup. The old condiment Queen was charged with 10 such slimy deposits over the last two years. Her efforts caused roughly $1,000 in damages. Police say the woman, who's now spending a month in jail, apparently had some issues with the library's patrons and staff. Hmm. No kidding. As I understand it, to save money, the library decided to simply rename some of the classic volumes the old biddy had damaged. These books are rumoured to include: To Syrup With Love Pride and Pear Juice Mess of the d'Urbervilles The Invisible Yam Don Chipotle Great Eggspectations The Red Badge of Ketchup Uncle Tom's Mayo Robinson Caruslaw Middle Mush Catsup-22 The Unbearable Relish of Being Moby Pick-le The Ket

Sunday Funnies