There Are Things
There are things that really annoy me. Justin Bieber, Celine Dion, figure skating judges, Stephen Harper and peas to name a few. But none of them hold a candle to unsolved cases that just drag on and on…not unlike seemingly endless internet writing challenges. Both are like a bad rash on your testicles that only gets worse the more you scratch.
Captain Silver was growing impatient with my lack of progress - with the case not the rash on my testicles - and had decided to call in the big guns. I guess he thought my Magnum wasn't big enough. Funny, I thought that's why they called it a Magnum.
Wait, gun was a metaphor. In an early morning meeting in his office he introduced me to an old, paunchy, bleary-eyed character named John Rebus.
Turns out Rebus was a semi-retired Scottish police Inspector with some time on his hands. How he and Silver knew each other I didn't know and neither were forthcoming about it. And when I inquired as to how the two had met Silver replied "There are things you just don't ask, Jack."
Rebus thought it might be a good idea to discuss the case over a drink or two. I was liking this fella already. I took him to Rover's Rump, a cheerful place where everybody knows your name. Well except for his because he'd never been there before so I had to introduce him to Joe the bartender.
"Damn, Jack, it's not Joe it's Paddy" said Joe who said that wasn't his name.
"Whatever, a Guinness for my friend here and me my regular."
"Woah, woah, woah, there Jack. I'll be having none of that Irish motor oil. Give me a pint of IPA."
"Woah, woah, woah, there Jack. I'll be having none of that Irish motor oil. Give me a pint of IPA."
We nestled into a table at the back of the bar and I brought Rebus up to date.
"Are you bloody crazy?" said Rebus. "You want my help after three weeks of being unable to solve this case?"You're on your own, Jack. I have no idea on how to help you out."
I was speechless. Scotland's number one crime solver was wimping out on me.
"But I thought you and Silver were best friends" I cried.
"What, no" he replied. I was just in town visiting when I got picked up on a drunk and disorderly. Silver said he'd drop the charges if I helped you with your case."
"Having heard what you're up against I think I'd prefer to be locked up."
There are things that piss me off. Drunken and unhelpful semi-retired Scottish cops are now right up there with mid-winter writing challenges.
Well I was on my own again. And I was running out of time. I turned from Rebus to Paddy and said "Good-bye Joe, we gotta go, me-oh-my-oh."
Son of a gun.
There are things to check out at We Work For Cheese where maybe you'll have great fun on the bayou.
Comments
And this might just be the time to casually mention how Ian Rankin and I knocked back a goodly number of drinks a few years back while talking about a comic he'd created as a kid, the inordinate number of coincidences that seem to afflict his life, and how he'd almost got arrested as a child abductor while researching his first John Rebus novel..
Scottish cops are now right up there with mid-winter writing challenges."
Um, yeah!
John Rebus is one of my favourite fictional detectives, by the way.
We nestled into a table at the back of the bar and I brought Rebus up to date.
I could picture it... even read it twice. Great job!