Catch Him And Keep Him

I don't know who the heck Christian Carter is or, for that matter, what made me click on his link on one of those news sites. Maybe because something with the headline "Catch Him And Keep Him" just didn't seem very newsy. It kinda stood out against stories about Greece's economy tanking and occupiers occupying my patience. Be that as it may, Mr. Carter promises to "...give you the inside scoop on what men are really thinking..."

Well, maybe that's what made me click. After all, it's no secret what men are thinking...NOTHING!

That's right. If you thought the male mind was a complicated and delicate thing that you needed help to crack I've got news for you. There's only one thing on a man's mind. And if he's lucky he gets it once a week...SUNDAY FOOTBALL.

There's no need to pay Christian Carter (probably not even his real name) for his materials. I can tell you what's going through a man's mind...FOR FREE.

For example, Mr. Carter rhetorically asks "what goes on in a man's mind?" Hello? Like I said "NADA".

And he'll tell you the ten dangerous mistakes to avoid that most women make with men. I don't know about his list but mine starts with "Stop asking him what he's thinking!" Second: "especially during football."

Then there's the seven secrets to communicating with a man that will help create lasting love and affection. For me there's only one and it occurs during the football game: "Can I get you another beer and maybe some nachos, honey?"

And Mr. Carter says he'll share with you the five things women do that annoy men and prevent intimacy. For me that would include the four times I'm asked "What are you thinking?" and the lack of beer and nachos during the football game. Oh, if I were going for six, the flannel pajamas, cold cream and rollers would be added to my list.

And finally, Mr. Love Guru will share with you "inside tips" married women know about the tell-tale signs of a great guy. Now I like to think of myself as a pretty great guy and some of the things that make me great are that I eat with a fork and spoon (except during football); I only ignore my wife for seven hours, one day a week, except when she offers me beer and nachos; I don't watch Sunday night games, preferring instead to let the wife watch Amazing Race and Boardwalk Empire while I snooze on the couch after too much beer and nachos.

Hey, I just had a thought. I wonder if Kim Kardashian's been in touch with this guy?

The producer of this post wants to caution readers that this is a work of fiction. Any similarities to characters such as nonamedufus living or soon-to-be-dead is purely coincidence. Now I've gotta go. Mrs. D wants to wants to know what I'm thinking and I have to come up with a good answer...other than football.