Bob the Zombie had nothing but bad luck. When he went to a hockey game there was always a face off in the corner. When he went to see his divorce lawyer he was told he didn't have a leg to stand on. A comedian, he often visited the hospitals in search of sick jokes. His jokes were so bad he rarely got a hand. But he worked so hard that even though his jokes were rotten he was often dead on his feet. Often when he returned home late from performing his wife would give him the cold shoulder. Often they would fight and no one would really win because there'd be a dead tie. Although his wife often came near winning with her shouts of "You wanna piece of me?" The only thing that kept Bob going was the thought of his new girlfriend Rachel, who he really liked for her brains. Yep, and she was pretty smart too. He had agreed to meet her at the bar that night called the Revenant and to settle his nerves he ordered a zombie and sat at the bar. About twenty ...
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One day Anthony died and awoke at the gates of heaven. "I'm in" he no sooner thought to himself when a booming, castigating voice said "Not so fast Anthony. It's not as simple as that". Anthony turned in search of the voice and stopped when he came across a less than five footed bearded man in flowing white robes. "You Peter? laughed Anthony. "That's right my son and that laugh is already one strike against you." "Oh I'm so sorry St Peter. Please forgive me. But understand you weren't what I was expecting." "That's not all you weren't expecting" said Peter with a wink of his eye. "Heaven is split into six sections and we decide which section arrivals will be placed. Follow me and I'll explain." Peter called for a golf cart and took Anthony on a little excursion. Their first stop was Eh Heaven. "That's where all the Canadians are" said Peter. "Of course, eh...
George looked across at Bob. Both were bent over pant-ing, puff-ing in and out rapidly. The race they had just run had ended in a tie. Damn, George thought, isn't that dandy. Bob was pleased that he'd skirted failure. But he decided to button his lips and keep quiet. Fred sat alone in the stands crumpling his receipt. He'd bet his money on George to win. A tie left him feeling short-shirted. The race was tailored to create problems with no sure winner. Since George and Bob had tied for first the rest of the runners had been suspendered from the next step. A run-off, not a fashionable activity, would nevertheless be required. A run-off was custom-made to determine a winner. The two runners would be hard pressed to refuse to compete after all that each had in-vested in training for this event. Bob had pumped iron while George had done push ups. Both had dressed-up the plans of their coaches and worked at them harder than a one armed employee of a steam shop.. Both ...
I managed to get two books read in March. Greg Iles's Natchez Burning and Robert Crais' s 20th episode of the exploits of private eye Elvis Cole and his associate Joe Pike, The Promise. Natchez Burning was a lengthy novel. Over 1200 pages on my Kindle. But it was worth it. It's an amazing tale of the civil rights movement in the American south both in years gone by and years present. A good but a long read. And my brother Steve had recommended this to me some months ago. He liked it so much, he tells me, he took an 800 mile detour on his holiday, just to visit the site where the majority of the novel takes place! The Promise, for me the latest in the Elvis Cole series, rates right up there with the rest. This time around a K-9 drug dog joins in on the action. A satisfying read when it coms to the crime/P.I. genre, which I love. Only two books this month bringing my yearly total to 8. Slowing my reading down is binge-watching TV series such as House of Cards and Ho...
It was a dark and stormy night and as dense as a London fog. As luck would have it Bob was late getting home, where he was looking forward to being as snug as a bug in a rug, because he was off course as the crow flies because he had to take the long road home as luck would have it. He thought of his wife Rose - a rose by any other name would smell so sweet - and regretted leaving his cell phone charging on his desk at work. He decided that was a bad call but that thinking about it was like beating a dead horse. He hoped his wife would like her anniversary present but he knew beauty was in the eye of the beholder. He hoped she didn't think beggars can't be choosers because he'd been there done that with his first wife Mabel. Mabel had been behind the the times, far from the belle of the ball and a knife or two short of the cutlery drawer. Anyway, as he sat in the detoured traffic he knew he'd be better late than never and in terms of Rose, his second wife, it...
I really have no idea how to begin this post. I've been staring at a blank screen with many thoughts swirling in my mind about someone I knew as Nicky F. Nicky was a blogger from Montreal who I first met through an on-line humour bloggers site. She was hilarious and we would often exchange barbs - all in good fun of course - in contests of who could top whom. Funny how many words we exchanged in the name of humour and now at her passing I struggle to find the right words. You know that term "work wife", someone of the opposite sex you work with closely. Well I'd like to think of Nicky as my blogging wife (sorry Ziva Moon). Funny how you can feel so close to someone without actually meeting them but her writing and commenting just made you feel like her best friend. So this relationship went on for some years until it evolved into a Facebook friendship. She blogged less end less but kept up her acerbic comments on Facebook - comments you absolutely had to respon...
"Do you know about the equinox?" expressed Elizabeth. "The equinox, really?" replied Rachel. "Isn't that a new car by Chevy?" "No, no, no" nattered Nathan. "The equinox has to do with the change of season in the spring and the fall". That's right, responded Richard. "It marks the two times a year the sun is directly over the equator." "Yeah, the equinoxes along with the solstices" said Sam, "are directly related to the seasons of the year". "And come the fall equinox" Edward expressed " the days grow shorter". "And with the equinox in the spring" suggested Suzy "the days grow longer". Well everyone thought this was just marvellous. They'd all put their heads together and worked out the story of the seasonal equinoxes. There was just one question. "Do the number of summer daylight hours equal the number of winter hours in the dark?...
Who said "Ah, yes divorce...from the latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet"?
Dave and Nancy had been looking forward to this comedy show all week. Longer even, since they purchased their tickets several months ago. They loved stand-up comedians and this Robin Williams Back From The Dead event was no exception. I mean how great could it be? Tasteless, ghoulish and Robin Williams all rolled into one. They handed over their tickets to the man on the comedy club door and sought out a small table for two near the stage. As Nancy got settled Dave went off to get a couple of beers. He arrived back just as the light's grew dim. The two clanked their long-neck bottles, mouthed "cheers" and each took a swig. "Do you think God gets stoned? I think so" claimed the first funnyman. "Look at a Platypus" he concluded. The line prompted a few sniggers throughout the room. "In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say: 'Stop of I...
The sky was clear, not a cloud in sight The stars they twinkled in the dark of night The moon was full and lit the way One could clearly see where the headstones lay The night was silent save for the sound Of the rustle of tools on our mission bound Shovels and picks, a hoe or two Something to dig with, that would do We'd hatched our plan several weeks before Sitting at the table by the door Several half empty quarts and some brave debate Had led us here to the cemetery's gate Our pal Pat had just been laid to rest A friend of ours - the very best Cut down in life far too young For the rest of us life had just begun We readied our tools at the side of the grave Poised above the earth feeling brave On your mark get set we started to dig The hole we dug wasn't very big Grave-robbing was our much-planned intent But we came about with something we hadn't meant Instead of rescuing the body whole It was only Pat's head that we stole And wh...
February was pretty much a dud in terms of reading. Not so much what I read but how much I read. I completed two books in February; Purity by Jonathan Franzen and Still Alice by Lisa Genova. The first was a recommendation by a Facebook friend. I'd never read Franzen's stuff before. This was a lengthy tale which tied the central character, Purity, to various other characters and story lines. I liked it. It held my attention and was well written. Nothing to get overly excited about but easy enough to read. You may have seen the movie that was based on my second book, starring Julianne Moore. It's about a cognitive psychology university professor with alzheimer's disease. The story is so detailed it makes you feel that it's non-fiction as it takes you through the impact of the disease on not only her but on her husband and children. This was an excellent read, though very, very sad. Only two books this month for a total of 6t this year. I fear my binge-watc...
I wouldn't say Jack was eccentric but whenever he made a purchase he would ask where it was made. For example, last week Jack went shopping for clothes for spring. He found pairs of jeans and demanded "Origin?" of the salesperson until she stopped saying China and hit on "United States". He then moved over to the sweater section of the men's department and pulled the same trick until the sales girl stopped on "Ireland". Jack had found the sweater he wanted. From store to store Jack employed the same shopping technique. Shirts, socks, shoes. The origin of the shirts were Turkey. The origin of the socks were Armenia and the origin of his new boots were Italy. But he didn't stop there. When he sat down for lunch he demanded to know the origin of the salmon and whether it was freshly caught. "Flown in from the west coast an hour ago" said the waiter which seems to have met Jack's qualifications just fine. On the wa...
You know what's odd? Odd is Canada's two all news channels rebranding themselves and building zippy sets to appeal to younger viewers some years back only to attract advertisers to the over 60 set. If I see one more add for a stair lift, a walk-in bath, I've fallen and I can't get up alarm or a Chip flip mortgage I'm going to throw something at my 50" Panasonic. That'd be odd. Although maybe I'll soon need a stairlift to get me upstairs to my walk-in bath all bought with proceeds from my Chip flip mortgage! Now that would be odd. You know what else I find odd? Those ad strips across the bottom third of You Tube videos. It's not enough most videos now start with an unstoppable 30 second ad. No. And TV networks have picked up on the idea and it's very distracting when you're watching something, especially sports, when it blocks out the puck, the basketball or the golf ball. Oh, I hate when that happens. Now that's odd. You know,...
Thump-bubba-thump bubba-thump-da-bump Here's something new Never done this for you or me it's all about a rap Though I'd just as soon take a nap Thump-bubba-thump bubba-thump-da-bump I'll wake you up when I'm said and done Might just as well point a gun at me no that's not right Can't force me to do this without a fight Thump-bubba-thump bubba-thump-da-bump Now we're almost at the last verse Made it through without a curse being made upon little old me For rapping like a homie don't you see that Thump-bubba-thump bubba-thump-ad-bump Is just the thing for Drake, Kanye or the Bieb But I'm no fan it's certainly not for me I'm not greedy, needy or rapacious This rapping thing's hellacious. Those smarty-pants folks over at Studio30+ came up with rapacious/greedy as the prompt this week. I don't know why but I went in a whole different direction this time and I think you get a sense of how I feel about rap. ...
So my book blogger buddy Bryan G. Robinson over at Still Unfinished ran this thing called 20 Bookish Questions. I found it interesting so I thought I'd run it here. What is your favorite fictional food or drink? I'm into hard-boiled detective novels and in the ones I read they often drink either whiskey or a Guinness. These guys don't seem to eat so I can't come up with a fictional food. How long did it take to finish your last book? I just finished Purity by Jonathan Franzen and it took me just under 2 weeks. But it was a pick it up put it down kinda read. Sometimes I'll zip through a can't put it down book in a couple of days but that's rare. How many times do you stare at your book or bookshelves each day? I don't. The majority of my books are on iBooks or Kindle. How many Goodreads friends and books do you have? 42 friends and 388 books on Goodreads. Do you ever quote books in public? No I never have because it was the best o...
Never before had Tom felt so bewildered. If you had have asked him how so he would have told you he must have just won the lottery on convolution. Moments ago he'd entered this 200 acre corn field and immediately found himself in six and seven foot entanglements. They were a hodgepodge - no wait - an imbroglio of such intricacy he was directionless. He looked this way and that but had no idea which way to go in this jungle of ears of corn. And the knots of stalks blocked out the sun as he meandered through the meshy morass of the maze's muddle of roots. He had to be careful not to trip as he navigated the perplexing network. It was quite the quandary. A giant path full of snarls and tangles full of uncertainty at every twist. An ever winding web, a puzzling skein, indeed - even dare he say it - a miserable miscellany of long and winding roads. When all was said and done and Tom finally stumbled from the corn field he was truly amazed. The Studio30+ prompt this w...
She'd poured her heart into this. How? She got up early and cleaned the apartment. Really cleaned the place from top to bottom including special effort in both the bathroom and the kitchen. For different reasons of course. It's not like she used the two rooms interchangeably. It's just that they were both equally messy. Living alone gave her the luxury to make a mess and to leave a mess. However, her special anticipated caller later that day moved her into action. It was going to be a special day that she anticipated would end in a special way. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink she thought merrily to herself. She then spent the rest of the morning at the market. She had planned a special meal with her special someone and she was going to go all out with the most delicious hors d'oeuvres, freshest vegetables, chicken and fruit. She chuckled to herself over Archie Bunker calling them"horse ovaries" in that 70s TV show. She got back to her apartment in the early...
New year, new title and new pic for this monthly post. What the heck. Got off to a slow start with four books this month. I've estimated I'll read fifty books in 2016. Ambitious? We'll see. I started the year off with a decent book about the Beatles recording history by former recording engineer Geoff Emerick. Here, There and Everywhere is a very detailed account of the Fab Four in the studio. Lots of interesting things here and the guy wasn't the biggest fan of his boss, George Martin, or for that matter another George, Harrison. The latter comes off as a more-or-less talentless member of the the group who needed direction from his buddies at every turn. Not sure what Emerick had against Harrison although he seems to warm up to him in post-Beatles years. Next up was H is for Hawk which I was sorely tempted to ditch. I picked it up because it won several British book awards. The title says it all. It was a memoir... about hawks, and only hawks, other than the d...
As the choir soared at the end of the service there wasn't a dry eye in the place. Well, maybe there was one. Or a pair to be precise. Belonging to Bruce. The dry eyes were replaced by a wry crinkle at the corner of his mouth. He, and the sizeable congregation, were here today to bury his twin brother Avery. But Bruce didn't share other people's sorrow. Though he wasn't happy so much as relieved. All his life Bruce had been beaten. Beaten by Avery. While both boys might be described as athletic Avery always won. It started when they were kids playing in the backyard. Avery was always fastest. Bruce actually thought it began when they were born. Avery was born first followed by Bruce and that had set them on their way for the rest of their lives. They competed in athletic events at school. Avery was the fastest football receiver. The fastest soccer striker. The fastest baseball runner. The fastest 100 yard dasher. And so on. Bruce tried to beat his brother but to ...