A Crappy Halloween

'Twas the night before Halloween, when all through our home
Not a creature was stirring, not even a gnome
The pumpkins were carved by the front door with care
In hopes the Addams family soon would be there
The children were costumed in orange, black and red
While visions of chocolate bars danced in their heads
Ma wore a kerchief, and I in my cap
Had just locked the door for a ten minute crap

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the throne to see what was the matter
I leaned to zip up my pants in a flash
And inflicted on my hoo-haw a most hurtful gash

The moon on the breast of the woman below
Gave the lustre of mid-day to Elvira - she glowed


When, what to my wondering eyes should appear
But Father Roy with a six pack of beer


With a little young boy, who's name was Nick
I knew in a moment I must act real quick

More rapid than eagles my curses they came
And I whistled and shouted and called him names
Now Father you pervert, stop prancing you vixen
Is the the six beers why you're half blitzen?

From the top of the porch! From the top of the wall!
I bashed away, bashed away, he had a great fall
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky

So Father Roy ran off down the street
I've never seen any one so fast on their feet
And then in a twinkling I could hear myself say
Ma carved the pumpkin? No friggin' way!

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around
Down the hallway came Ma, I immedately frowned

She was dressd all in...nothing...from her head to her foot

And her clothes were all...vanished...the point's really moot

A wee little apron she'd flung round her waist

And she looked like a virgin all proper and chaste

She'd carved the pumpkin what could I say

The results of her efforts were there on display

Ma's brother Bob had joined us by now

And seemed to be arguing with his wife the poor cow

Her sweet little neck he held in his hands

And her cries encircled us like "battle of the bands"

He had a broad face and a little round belly

That shook when he choked her like KY jelly
He was tightening his grip she started to drool

And I laughed when I saw this, silly old fool

A wink of his eye and a twist of her head

Soon gave me to know she was certainly dead

He spoke not a word but left straight for work

He had a lift with a friend, some redneck jerk

And sticking my finger inside of my nose

And giving a nod murmered "So it goes"

I sprang to the john and exhaled a long whistle

Happy to finally poople and pissle

But I heard Ma exclaim, as I pushed with all might

"Turn on the fan" that smells a fright."

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