Those hopeless humour hacks at Humor Bloggers Dot Com are at it again. This time around they’ve recruited members to participate in a story meme where one member starts us off and successive members continue the story. The tale has taken some interesting twists and turns along the way. See for yourself...
(Mind of Spaz) Wanda was always confused. Not about work, because she loved what she was doing. Not about her friends or her hobbies, because her social life was great. It wasn't her looks either, because she was tall, lean and had an absolutely perfect rack, the best money could buy. No, Wanda was confused because she has a penis.
(The Shark Tank) It had come wrapped in several layers of newspaper, stuffed into a tube typically reserved for delivering posters. It wasn't just any penis, either. Judging from its length (11.2 inches), scent (formaldahyde and tree sap), and coloring (burnt sienna), it had belonged to T. horridus and dated back to the late Cretaceous. In layman's terms, it was the penis of a Triceratops. Standing in her driveway, watching as the UPS guy hopped back into his truck and flipped down the visor, Wanda said something she'd thought many times before, but never said aloud.
"It's smaller than I thought it would be."
(Venom, Secrets, & Lies) Wanda headed into her garage, hoping to quell her nerves with some mundane gardening chores. Her mind was lurching around inside her skull and she worried what message was being sent to her with the arrival of the big, old, stinky, discoloured penis.
Wanda had been receiving anonymous, unsolicited gifts for the past few weeks, and the packages had gone from innocent to strange and, now, bizarre. The first gift was flattering & intriguing. Wanda had excused herself momentarily from the table where she was lunching with her sister, she returned to find a single, exquisite orchid across her plate, its' stem wrapped in a napkin with the message
'? from Your Secret Admirer ?'
written across it in a very fine hand. Her sister had been busy flirting with a busboy when the flower appeared & no one else had noticed or cared. Wanda had tucked the blossom behind her ear and worn it there in her hair all day long; she'd had no thought at all that Secret Admirer might be code for Crazy Stalker.
(The Offended Blogger) Of course, deep down Wanda knew that due to the fact that she had sustained numerous head injuries during rough sex over the years, she couldn't trust her own judgment or fully rely on her instincts. And given her history with those of the penile persuasion, including more than one romp on an expensive, leather couch with a tall, dark, handsome psychiatrist at the Center for Recovering Sex Addicts, she knew that someone might end up hurt.
She was also acutely aware that although she had mastered the art of projecting an angelic image which easily lured in the opposite sex, she had yet to conquer her sociopathic, nymphomaniac tendencies and lately found herself daydreaming about things like cannibalism and necrophilia.
Sure, the thought of a well hung secret admirer sending her taboo sexual gifts appealed to her deviant nature, but she had been down this road before and on more than one occasion it had turned out badly for her unassuming, love stricken victim and had nearly led to her own ruin.
Once it had even led her half way around the world where she ended up dismembering and depositing her heavily accented My Space admirer into the murky waters of the Rhine and was forced to work in a seedy German sex club as a towel girl just to earn enough Deutschmarks for the trip back to the states....
(AmyOops) But on her journey back, she learned in Belguim the dont deutschmarks to open the toliets. So here she was strandend in a strange country and had to use the bathroom.
Oh whats a girl to do....
( Ettarose) She did the only thing she could think to do. She hiked her skirt up and grabbing her naughty parts, let loose with a long perfectly aimed stream of pee that went up over the cracked wooden stall door and gave a satisfying groan as she heard it hit her mark. “Hey!” someone yelled from the other side of the locked door. “Watch who the hell you are pissing on you skank!” Wanda was so startled she lost her concentration and as her pee dribbled down her legs and soaked her bobby socks. The door slammed open and there stood the biggest, hairiest lesbian Wanda had ever seen. “Where did you learn to do that?” she asked in awe as Wanda’s piss dripped off her nose. Oh great Wanda thought, now what?
(Lady Sarcasm) Wanda thought that it she played up on the woman's (?) awe, that she could charm her way right out of this hot mess. "I was a model for the P-mate, and eventually I showed them I could do it without a P-mate, so I was fired." Wanda explained. "Why I'll be!" said the burly lesbian known as Jackee. Jackee's awe was short lived Wanda noticed. Jackee was stepping forward. "That model thing was kind of cute, but what are you going to do about the fact that you just pissed all over me huh?" asked Jackee. Wanda immediately thought of that formaldahyde and tree sap smelling Triceratops penis...
I, unfortunately, have been holding up the progression of the story since about Wednesday due to computer problems. So without further delay...
“Do you wanna?” asked Wanda. “Do I wanna what?” countered Jackee. “Do you wanna foot long?” clarified Wanda. “No honey, I don’t go that way” exclaimed Jackee. “No, no” said a weary Wanda, “Do you wanna foot long for five bucks?” “Hey! shouted Jackee, “I won’t go there at any price!” Disappointed, Wanda quelled the rumblings in her tummy. She’d had her heart set on that steak and mushroom foot-long submarine sandwhich at Subway.
To subtly shift the subject of speech Wanda whispered “I absolutely adore alliteration”. “Some would say so” joked Jackee. “Oh, did I say that outloud” wondered Wanda, “Sorry”.
“I have a penis” proclaimed Wanda. “And I thought I was hiding something” retorted Jackee. “No, no” said Wanda, “It’s not mine – it belonged to a Triceratops. Here, look.”
“Oh my it’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen before” sighed Jackie. “Yeah, I can’t imagine you’ve seen many penises, eh?” queried (no pun intended – queer-eed) Wanda.
But that’s where Wanda was wrong (no alliteration intended). It turned out Jackee was not only of the poetess Sappho persuasion, she was also... (rimshit followed by cymbals)(hey, this is a cheap meme, not a big budget hollywood suspense thriller) ...a palaeontologist!!!
“Au contraire” parlayed Jackie – because not only was she a gay palaeontologist, but she came from gay Pa-ree!!! “I have seen many pre-historic penises, just never one this small or one this bleu, sacre!”
“Hmmm,” Wanda thought, “That’s the first time I’ve heard a big dyke complain about a small dick!”
Now on with the meme - Next Up: Out Of The Mouth Of Dave
(Mind of Spaz) Wanda was always confused. Not about work, because she loved what she was doing. Not about her friends or her hobbies, because her social life was great. It wasn't her looks either, because she was tall, lean and had an absolutely perfect rack, the best money could buy. No, Wanda was confused because she has a penis.
(The Shark Tank) It had come wrapped in several layers of newspaper, stuffed into a tube typically reserved for delivering posters. It wasn't just any penis, either. Judging from its length (11.2 inches), scent (formaldahyde and tree sap), and coloring (burnt sienna), it had belonged to T. horridus and dated back to the late Cretaceous. In layman's terms, it was the penis of a Triceratops. Standing in her driveway, watching as the UPS guy hopped back into his truck and flipped down the visor, Wanda said something she'd thought many times before, but never said aloud.
"It's smaller than I thought it would be."
(Venom, Secrets, & Lies) Wanda headed into her garage, hoping to quell her nerves with some mundane gardening chores. Her mind was lurching around inside her skull and she worried what message was being sent to her with the arrival of the big, old, stinky, discoloured penis.
Wanda had been receiving anonymous, unsolicited gifts for the past few weeks, and the packages had gone from innocent to strange and, now, bizarre. The first gift was flattering & intriguing. Wanda had excused herself momentarily from the table where she was lunching with her sister, she returned to find a single, exquisite orchid across her plate, its' stem wrapped in a napkin with the message
'? from Your Secret Admirer ?'
written across it in a very fine hand. Her sister had been busy flirting with a busboy when the flower appeared & no one else had noticed or cared. Wanda had tucked the blossom behind her ear and worn it there in her hair all day long; she'd had no thought at all that Secret Admirer might be code for Crazy Stalker.
(The Offended Blogger) Of course, deep down Wanda knew that due to the fact that she had sustained numerous head injuries during rough sex over the years, she couldn't trust her own judgment or fully rely on her instincts. And given her history with those of the penile persuasion, including more than one romp on an expensive, leather couch with a tall, dark, handsome psychiatrist at the Center for Recovering Sex Addicts, she knew that someone might end up hurt.
She was also acutely aware that although she had mastered the art of projecting an angelic image which easily lured in the opposite sex, she had yet to conquer her sociopathic, nymphomaniac tendencies and lately found herself daydreaming about things like cannibalism and necrophilia.
Sure, the thought of a well hung secret admirer sending her taboo sexual gifts appealed to her deviant nature, but she had been down this road before and on more than one occasion it had turned out badly for her unassuming, love stricken victim and had nearly led to her own ruin.
Once it had even led her half way around the world where she ended up dismembering and depositing her heavily accented My Space admirer into the murky waters of the Rhine and was forced to work in a seedy German sex club as a towel girl just to earn enough Deutschmarks for the trip back to the states....
(AmyOops) But on her journey back, she learned in Belguim the dont deutschmarks to open the toliets. So here she was strandend in a strange country and had to use the bathroom.
Oh whats a girl to do....
( Ettarose) She did the only thing she could think to do. She hiked her skirt up and grabbing her naughty parts, let loose with a long perfectly aimed stream of pee that went up over the cracked wooden stall door and gave a satisfying groan as she heard it hit her mark. “Hey!” someone yelled from the other side of the locked door. “Watch who the hell you are pissing on you skank!” Wanda was so startled she lost her concentration and as her pee dribbled down her legs and soaked her bobby socks. The door slammed open and there stood the biggest, hairiest lesbian Wanda had ever seen. “Where did you learn to do that?” she asked in awe as Wanda’s piss dripped off her nose. Oh great Wanda thought, now what?
(Lady Sarcasm) Wanda thought that it she played up on the woman's (?) awe, that she could charm her way right out of this hot mess. "I was a model for the P-mate, and eventually I showed them I could do it without a P-mate, so I was fired." Wanda explained. "Why I'll be!" said the burly lesbian known as Jackee. Jackee's awe was short lived Wanda noticed. Jackee was stepping forward. "That model thing was kind of cute, but what are you going to do about the fact that you just pissed all over me huh?" asked Jackee. Wanda immediately thought of that formaldahyde and tree sap smelling Triceratops penis...
I, unfortunately, have been holding up the progression of the story since about Wednesday due to computer problems. So without further delay...
“Do you wanna?” asked Wanda. “Do I wanna what?” countered Jackee. “Do you wanna foot long?” clarified Wanda. “No honey, I don’t go that way” exclaimed Jackee. “No, no” said a weary Wanda, “Do you wanna foot long for five bucks?” “Hey! shouted Jackee, “I won’t go there at any price!” Disappointed, Wanda quelled the rumblings in her tummy. She’d had her heart set on that steak and mushroom foot-long submarine sandwhich at Subway.
To subtly shift the subject of speech Wanda whispered “I absolutely adore alliteration”. “Some would say so” joked Jackee. “Oh, did I say that outloud” wondered Wanda, “Sorry”.
“I have a penis” proclaimed Wanda. “And I thought I was hiding something” retorted Jackee. “No, no” said Wanda, “It’s not mine – it belonged to a Triceratops. Here, look.”
“Oh my it’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen before” sighed Jackie. “Yeah, I can’t imagine you’ve seen many penises, eh?” queried (no pun intended – queer-eed) Wanda.
But that’s where Wanda was wrong (no alliteration intended). It turned out Jackee was not only of the poetess Sappho persuasion, she was also... (rimshit followed by cymbals)(hey, this is a cheap meme, not a big budget hollywood suspense thriller) ...a palaeontologist!!!
“Au contraire” parlayed Jackie – because not only was she a gay palaeontologist, but she came from gay Pa-ree!!! “I have seen many pre-historic penises, just never one this small or one this bleu, sacre!”
“Hmmm,” Wanda thought, “That’s the first time I’ve heard a big dyke complain about a small dick!”
Now on with the meme - Next Up: Out Of The Mouth Of Dave
Comments
Oh my gawd, you are soooo frickin' hilarious!! Brilliant with words and such. I also read your roast on Dani (she da best!). You got skillz dude. I worship thou.
ettarose: Hey thnaks. Both these projects were a lot of fun. I'm glad folks like where the story's going.
Mike: It kinda got away from me, sorry, sir. Good idea for our next one.
Marissa: Um, er, wow. Thanks!
Oh my gawd, you are soooo frickin' hilarious!! Brilliant with words and such. I also read your roast on Dani (she da best!). You got skillz dude. I worship thou.