US and Them #3

In the midst of the economic debacle that has thrown the very existence of everything from the Big Three automakers in the U.S. to small-town local newscasts in Canada into doubt, it’s heart-warming to see one bright beacon of light in what has become the deep darkness of economic ennui.

Of course I speak of that bankable bastion of boobs, butts and beauty the Miss USA Pageant. Born in 1950, the pageant was taken over by that financial guru cum Barnum and Bailey protégé Donald Trump in 1996. Mr. Trump has managed to successfully turn around the popularity and by association the fortunes of the pageant whose previous claim to fame was a twenty year hosting sojourn by Bob Barker beginning in 1967.

This year’s pageant is seemingly more famous not because of who won but because of who lost. Poor Carrie Prejean, Miss California, basically lost it all when she went up against celebrity judge Perez Hilton, the gay gossip monger extraordinaire. What sealed her fate was his question respecting her opinion regarding gay marriage. She’s not in favour. He wasn’t in favour of her response and demonstrated his reaction in the distinct lack of points he awarded her. She came out runner-up.

Miss Prejean’s 15 minutes of popularity were prolonged, however, when it came to light that she’d posed for some – say it ain’t so – risqué photographs. In a subsequent news conference, which drew about as much attention as the pageant itself – that is to say a lot – Barnum, er, uh, Trump absolved Prejean and allowed her to remain as runner up to Miss USA.

Canadians aren’t all that big on beauty pageants. The only thing that comes close to such high drama here in Canada that I can think of is, oh, uh... cattle judging, maybe. Agricultural shows are quite popular north of the border and where there’s an agricultural show there’s cows. Um, ah, you know, of the animal variety. Let’s take a look at what a judge in this contest looks for, citing Wikipedia as a research source.

Overall carriage is important. The head must be held properly and the neck must be broad, sit evenly on the shoulders and the base be in line with the spine. The head should be in proportion with the rest of the body.

When looking at the legs in an animal, the judge is looking mainly at the structure, and for some muscle.

When looking at the body, the judge wants to see as much rib extension as possible - this means having a large chest area. A long body is desirable because it holds more meat. A large, muscled rump is important, too.

Finally, the udders on females should not be pendulous and the teat size and placement is critical.

In Canada, however, our cattle calls don’t have a Question and Answer component. And I’ve yet to see nubile bovine black and whites. Bessie, your crown would appear to be secure.