The Other Star Trek Prequel

This is the prequel that for some odd reason didn't make it to the big screen. Sincerest apologies to Gene Roddenberry and J.J. Abrams.

(Kirk voice over opening titles)
Kirk: Stardate 1964.5. The hall was full that night – a sell-out. The Stratford gig playing Henry V was good training to take me where no actor has gone before: doing future pitch work for, oh, I dunno, maybe Kellogg’s All Bran or priceline dot com.

(cut to Kirk on stage)
And God forbid, my dear and faithful lord,

That you should fashion, wrest, or bow your reading,

Or nicely charge your understanding soul

With opening titles miscreate, whose right

Suits not in native colours with the truth...

(Spock arrives via transporter effect)
Spock: But, Captain, that would be illogical...indeed Shakespearian dialogue has always to me been illogical.

Kirk: Where in blazes did you come from? How did you just...appear?!

Spock: Well, Captain, I was reviewing some back issues of Popular Mechanics and...

Kirk: Never mind Spock. How about a spot of lunch? I told my buddy Bones I’d meet him for lunch at “Out of This World”. Want to join us?

Spock: Out of This World?

Kirk: It’s an intergalactic restaurant, Spock, where Starfleet commanders hang out. If we ever want to get ahead, this is the place to see and be seen.

(Spock let’s go with a deafening sneeze)
Kirk: Bless you, Spock. Here, use this handkerchief. You’ve got something dripping from your chin.

Spock: Thanks, Captain. I wouldn’t want anything to Klingon my face in public.

(fade to restaurant interior; Bones and Uhura are seated. Kirk and Spock enter from left)
Kirk: Bones I’d like you to meet Spock. Spock, Bones is a doctor.

Bones: And this is my friend Uhura, in from out of town.

Spock: How unusual, doctor.

Bones: How’s that Spock?

Spock: Your friend’s a whore, hah.

Kirk: U-hur-a, Spock, U-hur-a.

Spock: She’s not my whore, ah, she’s the doctor’s.

Bones: Never mind, Jim. Your green-blooded, pointy-eared friend, here, seems to have a one-track mind.

Spock: On the contrary, doctor, we Vulcans can keep several tracks going at once unlike lowly humans I might add.

Kirk: Alright you two, lighten up. Live long and prosper.

Spock: Hey, I like that Jim. Mind if I use it?

(a man and his wife, a little woozy from over-drinking, bump into the foursome’s table)
Scotty: Aye, excuse us there folks, we didn’t see ye there. I’m Scotty and this is my wife Charmin’.

Kirk: Hi Scotty. I’m Captain Kirk. Would you and your wife care to join us for a drink?

(Scotty points at Charmin’)
Scotty: Sorry, Captain, she can’t take anymore.

Bones: Say, Jim, I thought Sulu was joining us. He’s always one to inject a little gaiety into these gatherings.

Kirk: Indeed he does, Bones, indeed he does. But what about your friend Chekov, wasn’t he coming too.

Uhura: I’m afraid Chekov checked out Captain.

Kirk: How do you mean?

Bones: He’s dead, Jim.

(up Star Trek theme, roll credits, fade to black)

The Polka Dot Door

A long time ago, when I was 22, my first child was born. That kid grew up on a little Canadian kid's show called Polka Dot Door, produced by the TV Ontario network. And Dad, more often than not, sat through those shows with his little one. Nine or so years later when a brother, and a year after that when a sister came along number one son was moving on to Knight Rider and The Dukes of Hazzard. But there was a nice overlap where his siblings picked up where he had left off with Polka Dot Door. And Dad was right there to welcome them. So you're looking at a Polka Dot Door veteran. The show began in 1971 and ran to 1993. I didn't watch the full run but I did get in my fair share. The formula was pretty simple. A young male and female host, which seemed to change every week, sang songs, told stories, made crafts and generally did their best stimulate little brains. The show opened as follows... Imagination Day! Oh boy! ...

Hello Goodbye

Today a bit of a reflective piece. Rather than being funny, this is about the funny. It's a day of mixed emotion at nonamedufus . You see, after several months of inactivity I've dropped a couple of former blogger buddies off my blog roll. I kept hanging on and hanging on hoping they'd return to active blogging but, alas, after waiting in one case five months I've decided to let them go. I'm going to miss - going to? I have been missing - Margo at the Screaming Me-Me . She was one funny lady. From time to time she and I would engage in a feud or two for several days at a time but it was all in fun both for us and, I think, for our readers. And we'd leave each other funny comments, poking fun at each other. I miss her friendship and our humorous exchanges. The other blogger I'm letting go is Chelle, The Offended Blogger . Chelle was a special lady. In addition to her own blog she created and managed Humor Bloggers Dot Com where humour bloggers like m...

The Dangling Conversation

There's a debate underway in my household between my wife and I. I say "underway" because it hasn't quite reached the "raging" stage. If you want raging, my wife (a Francophone) and I (an Anglophone) from time to time (usually in a weak moment of my own making) slip into our number one discussion around why we don't speak more French at home - ergo - when am I, a former public servant who learned French at the expense of our gracious taxpayers and was technically rated bilingual (even though I hardly used it), going to improve my use of Canada's other language? This one never gets resolved, hence it's ongoing nature. But the current debate is over a remark I casually made the other day. I'm no geek, but with a lot of time on my hands I surf the web, converse on Facebook and such and - I have to admit - "I'm nonamedufus and I'm a Twitterholic". In an epiphany-like moment I was struck by the apparent impact of social networkin...

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