nonamedufus

Everybody Snores

2012-01-17T04:33:00.000-05:00

Well it's the wee hours of another Tuesday and I can't sleep. It's my chemo pills. I take them Monday and I have insomnia Monday night. Tonight just after midnight I was listening to a cover version of Everybody Hurts on my iPad. The wifey was fast asleep so I was using ear buds. Yet, what was that? Son of a gun if she wasn't snoring...and in perfect unison with the song: "Everybody hurts - hrmpf - sometimes". Oh, and before you think my wife was snorting like a pork (that's something my sweet francophone spouse would say) she has the most genteel, lady-like snore I've ever heard. Me, on the other hand, when I do sleep and sometimes snore, I just roar. And I have the bruises to prove it where my wife has kicked me. Anyway I was inspired by my wife's nocturnal nuance and the following is the result.

Well my day was long and my night

My night was mine to own

Then for sure I'd had enough of no sleep, I hung on

Didn't let myself go

My body cries and everybody snores 'cept me

Sometimes I sing a song

But this time it's all wrong

Then my day is night, a groan (hrmpf gone, hrmpf gone)

And I feel like sleeping: go (hrmpf gone)

And I think I've had too many of these pills, my sleep's gone

Everybody snores

Take comfort in your bed

Everybody snores

Don't kick your foot. Oh, no

Don't kick your foot

If you think I'm in the zone, no, no, no, you are so alone

If I'm not sleeping my dear wife

Kick me at night is wrong

When you think you've had too much of this hrmpf to bang on

Well that makes me hurt sometimes

My body cries

And everybody snores 'cept me

So don't kick, don't kick

Hold on, hold on

Twas you, twas you!

(It was, it was)

Everybody snores

'Cept me, I'm alone

If you're curious, here's the R.E.M version. How ironic. I parodied a song about not sleeping by a group called R.E.M.

Things That Go Poop In The Night

2012-01-10T05:31:00.000-05:00

Not me. No. At my age I'm up about 4 or 5 times to pee. But not pooh. I called the post that because I have a touch of insomnia tonight and when you can't sleep the mind can have some pretty odd thoughts.

For instance, I've come to believe that one can determine how secure their marriage is in proportion to how often their spouse farts in their presence. Now in the early stages of a relationship this would never happen. Well, hardly maybe. Then as time passes, gasses passes too. It'll start with a little putt, followed by an "oops, I'm sorry". But as the relationship becomes more profound, so do the farts until you've reached the point where you let one rip without so much as an "excuse me". I just can't put into words how gratified I am by my spouse's security in our marriage. I love you too, hon. Despite your little farts, er, faults.

Another thing that popped up was back when I was in the hospital after my last bone marrow transplant in 2010, the medical staff took a keen interest in my bowel movements. Was it hard? Was it soft? Was it liquid? Was it solid? I know, I know, TMI. Nowadays there's an app for that. I kid you not. I have it on my iPhone (the app that is. I don't take my phone into the toilet.) and it's called iPoop. Based on how many times you go in a day and the colour and the shape of your deposit you can learn just what causes the kind of poop you're, um, stuck with.

My final thought on this subject had to do with likening what went on in my intestines to computer terms. (Hey, I don't know where these thoughts come from.) You know, like I download a meal as though I were downloading songs from iTunes. Then I'll upload my "personal item" to my favourite site - American Standard. It's like You Tube but without the video. And just like You Tube, sometimes you run into technical problems. Sometimes the connection can be intermittent. Sometimes the connection doesn't work at all. And other times you've gotta spend a little extra time on the docking station.

It's amazing the things one thinks of when one's sleep-deprived.

Right now I'm a little flushed.

Insomnia can be pretty weird.

I wonder if there's an app for that?

I'm Outta Here

2011-12-12T06:52:00.000-05:00

This is the post I wanted to leave you with today.

As the promo said "like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives." Yep, and over the next many days one of the things I'll be doing is spending a lot of time enjoying that sand, on a beach, a tad south of here where it's nothing but sunny and warm save the cervezas which are frosty and cool.

The shorts, sandals, golf-shirts are all packed. The boots, scarves, toques, gloves and heavy winter parkas abandoned in the front hall closet.

This will be my last post for a while. I'm going to close the computer and slowly step away in what I hope is an internet-free vacation. That means no tweets to my twit friends, no Facebook comment thread hijackings and, naturally, no blog posts.

I've loaded up my iPad with music and books and I plan on reading, relaxing, reloading, refuelling, and recharging.

This time tomorrow I'll be on a plane half-way to paradise. As Jimmy Buffet says "changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes".

Since I'll be away looking for that lost shaker of salt (different song, I know) during the holidays Merry Chriskwanzakkah and Happy New Year/ bonne annee guys.

Don't wait up.

This bamboo umbrella has my name on it.

Here's the update:

And then I woke up with a brisk slap to the face. My doctor has told me he'd prefer I not travel because he'd like to monitor my "condition". Blood work I had done last week has given him some concern. So, more chemo drugs, no travel, no golf, no sun sand or cervezas. And my doctor's about to become my new best friend.

As you can imagine I'm not feeling very creative these days. So I'm gonna take a little break from this blogging thing, as originally planned.

See you in a bit.

Sunday Funnies

2011-12-11T07:05:00.000-05:00

Pause Ponder and Pirouettes

2011-12-10T06:52:00.000-05:00

Well, folks, I knew this picture would get a rise out of you. I think this is the Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire male dancer secret handshake. But leave it to you guys to have other ideas.

"See? I told you that these hats defy gravity!"

Vaguemax

I ate a bottle of yeast today. I'm rising. Hey, so are you!

Quirkyloon

Hazards of the "pull my finger" joke.

Shawn

"I see that you too have met Wayne, the Wedgie Master."

00dozo

And our winner is...drum roll...the same guy that went for all the marbles last week. Some would say he's lost his marbles...

Bill and Dan were pretty gassy after eating at the Mexican place.

Moooooog

Hey, her, hey Moooooog. You tap danced your way nicely into the winner's spot this week. Congratulations. You be hangin' out with dufus. So wanna get together for Mexican? We have a couple of good places in town and I think it'd be cheaper than dance lessons.

Have A Cold One

2011-12-08T06:53:00.000-05:00

Robert Service wrote "there are strange things done 'neath the midnight sun". Well it looks like we can add Alaska's Clifton Vial to that list.

Seems Clifton crashed his truck and got stuck in a snowdrift near Nome.

But Clifton was prepared. He used a sleeping bag to keep warm and started up the truck every once and a while so he could turn on the heater all in an effort to avoid frostbite with the temperature dropping to around the -28C mark.

Unfortunately he had no food with him but he did have a knife and...wait for it...several frozen cans of Coors light. You know, the beer that's best served chilled? Yeah, so he used his knife to cut the cans and dined on frozen beer. Seems he didn't have to wait for the mountains to turn blue to tell him the beer was cold.

Things all ended happily as Clifton's boss realized he hadn't turned up for work and sent a search party out to find him.

When his rescuers finally found him and asked him if he was okay, Clifton replied "Oh, yeth, I thertainly yam but I hass to pee sumfin' fierce."

Or the brass balls on Clifton Vial

Pause Ponder and Pun #109

2011-12-07T06:59:00.000-05:00

What's up?

It's that time again.

Leave a caption in the comments.

Then fly right back Saturday for our results.

Oh, and you can leave your hat on.

True North Strong and Free.

2011-12-05T06:55:00.000-05:00

You know my homeland is a quiet little nation that basically wouldn't hurt a flea. Living next door to the land of the free and the home of the brave isn't easy for such a traditionally namby-pamby nation. But our government is doing its best to catch up, even though we can't seem to make up our minds who we want to emulate. And our government's efforts have been schizophrenic to say the least.

For example, our Prime Minister likes the idea of hanging Obama...his picture that is...in American embassies around the world. Not to be outdone, Stephen Harper ordered pictures of the Queen to be hung in all Canadian embassies. Score one for the Brits.

Meanwhile the Prime Minister likes the idea of the distinctive paint job of Air Force One. So he's ordered one of our Air Force's dull grey Airbuses at his disposal to be painted with "some bright colours". Score one for the Yanks.

Not too long ago, the Prime Minister recently restored the word "Royal" to the Canadian Air Force's moniker as well as to the Navy's. Points again to the Brits. But nobody gave a thought to the French translation of RCAF the Air Force's nom de guerre and unofficially FARC was adopted. FARC however is apparently widely known as being associated with Columbia's brutal guerilla army. Points to Columbia. (One senior defence official was heard to murmur "Well, FARC me" at the height of the controversy.)

Last summer, our Minister of Defence called up one of the force's Search and Rescue helicopters to pick him up from a fishing holiday in Newfoundland. They pulled him up in a basket and away they went. I don't know who gets the points for that. Maybe the defence minister.

There are many other examples of imperial and presidential-like activity by our government. The next example isn't either of those but it is equally difficult to explain.

A Canadian Senator has launched a move to change Canada's national symbol from the beaver to the polar bear. How can this be? Canadians love their beaver. Beavers are highly respected. It's every Canadian man's dream to conquer and tame a beaver.

But this Senator wants to replace beavers with polar bears. Polar bears!!! Think of what that might do to our nation's psyche. I guess if this movement is successful, points to the beaver-haters.

And, hey, Canadians love their beavers. They're adorable and have been our national image since who knows when. Besides, these polar bears already have a nice-paying gig.

Sunday Funnies

2011-12-04T07:01:00.000-05:00

Pause Ponder and Appropriately Placed Plumage

2011-12-03T06:42:00.000-05:00

You guys aren't serious. How could you be after submitting some of those captions? And the rest of you drive-byers, you're far too serious. Look at the hilarity you're missing out on.

In honour of the annually televised Victoria's Secret Revealing Underwear Fest last week - or as I like to call it "Bras and Panties-palooza" - we ran a little picture inspired by VS in which a model displayed an ordinary outfit; one you'd probably wear to work or to do the groceries. Let's see what our contestants came up with...

If that's a swan, she looks like she knows how to dive.

Linda Medrano

Awaiting two millennia for the acceptance of same-sex marriages,

Archangel Michael finally emerges from his closet.

00dozo

Teacher says, every time a bell rings on the tattoo parlour door,

an angel gets her wings.

Shawn

Now you may recall Shawn won our last two contests and was aiming for a third this week. However in our little game of groans Shawn's crown was captured by a guy who's no stranger to this contest, our all time winner, who just doesn't mince words:

I'd pluck that.

Moooooog

Ha, ha, Moooooog, your name's almost as long as...your caption. Way to go, guy. You be hangin' with the dufus. What do you want to do? We could hit up the Victoria's Secret store and try on lady's lingerie. (Did I just say that out loud?) I mean, I mean purchase some for our significant others. Yeah, that's it.

Thanks to all our contestants for playing along and, hey, don't forget to click on the links and visit these folks' blogs. They're even funnier in their home environment.

See y'all next week.

They Call Him The Breeze

2011-12-01T08:00:00.000-05:00

by nonamedufus

I don't want to talk about it. The stars certainly are not aligned to help the nebulous nonames make the fantasy league playoffs after our loss this past weekend - our third straight loss. But like I said: I don't want to talk about it.

Your humbled servant went up against Bourbon Blasters this week. He came away on the wrong end of the biggest blowout of the week. What happened? This happened...

"They call me the breeze"

Breeze? Hell, Monday night this was the weather formation that settled over the New Orleans Super Dome as Brees racked up forty-frakin'-five fantasy points. What the hell do they put in this guy's gatorade?

45 point gale force winds

Yep, Drew wasn't a breeze. He was a god-damn hurricane blowing out the nonames to the tune of 134-92.

The playoffs are now only a remote possibility for the nonames. #1 Purple Drank and #2Predator Press have already clinched a spot. Bourbon Blasters and Renal Failure are in third and fourth spot respectively as nonames sits at fifth spot with 6-6-0.

4-8-0 Bald Spots is nonames competition Week 13. In Week 14 we're up against 2-9-1 Multiple Scorgasms. Seemingly easy matches for nonames. But as we've seen over the last 3 weeks, just about anything can happen in fantasy football.

Frak.

This post originally appeared at Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League Blog.

Pause Ponder and Pun #108 or Can Shawn Go For a Three-peat?

2011-11-30T06:55:00.000-05:00

Caption.

In the comments.

See you Saturday.

Boy, Those Movies Are A Gas, Aren't They.

2011-11-28T06:53:00.000-05:00

Did you just toot?

Who would have ever predicted the popularity of first the book series and now the movie series based on the deep, dark, mysterious world of rippers. Yes, rippers. I'm speaking, of course, about Fartfright.

Of course the whole genre began with Bram Stoker's skunk-bait masterpiece Diarrhea written back in 1897. Francis Fart Coppola directed a four star film version of the classic in 1992.

Keefer Sutherland and the two Coreys starred in the ripper cult classic in 1987 called The Lost Farts.

And of course who could forget Tom Poohs and Brad Shit in 1994s Interview With the Crop Duster.

But let's return to the current popularity of ripper films. Four films in four years, each more popular than the last. The festival of flatulence began with the movie Fartfright in 2008. A tale of star-struck lovers condemned to immortality because they fart in each other's general direction.

Then came the sequel, The Fartfright Saga: Chuck a Moon in 2009.

In 2010, The Fartfright Saga: He Lets One Slip landed in theatres.

And the latest in the franchise, The Fartfright Saga: Breaking Wind wafted it's way to theatre-goers earlier this year.

Who would have thought a subject matter based on cutting cheese, pulling fingers, dutch ovens and silent-but-deadlies would ignite movie fans. Speaking of which, each tale also has it's share of inflammatory scenes involving blue angels and fart flaming.

The next film in the series is scheduled for release sometime next year and it's called The Fartfright Saga: Love in a Dutch Oven. Here's a short scene...

When asked to account for the popularity of the ripper books and films, author Stephenie Meyer shrugged her shoulders, lifted one leg and said, "I really can't say. If truth be told I really just pulled it right out of my ass."

What a shame Smell-O-Vision never caught on.

Disclaimer: Any comparison to the wildly popular Twilight films was purely intentional.

Sunday Funnies

2011-11-27T06:46:00.000-05:00

Pause Ponder and Primates

2011-11-26T06:49:00.000-05:00

That's right. And along with this endorsement I worked out a sweet deal of a year's supply of Dos Equis. Thanks Most Interesting Man In The World!

Now I was going to write a funny intro full of puns about monkeys but I dipped into the year's supply Dos Equis sent me and the best I could come up with was what you might call pieces of rhesus. So enough monkey business. Let's swing over the matter at hand. Here's a sampling of this week's captions for the pic that Malisa sent us.

The Missing Link

Quirkyloon

Sadly, Olivia Orangutang's mother's words

("If all the humans around you are are jumping off a bridge...")

came to her a second too late.

Laughingmom

The Cinemax - Late Night version of "Every Which Way But Loose"

Moooooog

And the winner...of Pause Ponder and Primates...for two weeks in a row...

I'll jump in the water with you if you touch macaque.

Shawn

Well Shawn, it's nice to see you've retained your edge after spending the week at Disneyland after winning last week's contest. This week maybe we could get together for a drink? I've got basement of beer I need to work on. Hope you like Mexican stuff.

My thanks to everyone for playing this week. It was another great crop of captions you left. And to everyone else be sure and visit these guys' links. They're funny in their own write!

See you next week folks.

Nothin' Says Lovin' Like Turducken From The Oven

2011-11-24T06:53:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well. My American friends are putting on their expandable waistline pants, sittin' back and watching 3 football games in anticipation of a feast of corn, bread and eel. Well if you were one of the first celebrants back in 1621 you would be. And you'd be giving thanks the Indians hadn't killed you. Times have changed. With Gadaffi gone I don't think anyone's threatening to kill you these days. And eel is just so, well, yesterday. I wrote this last year. If you want to know what Americans are eating this Yanksgiving, read on.

Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends today. At least we Canadians know how to space out the holidays. Our Turkey Day was in October which gives us far much more time for Christmas shopping!

Anyone having turducken this year?

Say what?

You heard me.

Turd what?

No, no. It's turducken.

You take a de-boned chicken and you stuff it into a de-boned duck and then you stuff that into a de-boned turkey. And if that's not enough stuffing you can stuff the cavities left over with, er, stuffing.

Turkey, Duck, Chicken

Turducken

Whew! That's some meal. Whoever thought that one up?

Well according to Wikipedia sometime in the 80s, some guy from Maurice, Louisiana took his three fowl friends to Herbert's Specialty Meats and asked Herb to do the dirty deed. An American tradition was born and Herb's been making turduckens ever since, up to 5,000 a week around Thanksgiving. So if you're a fan of turducken you can add Herb to your list of things to be thankful for.

Turduken got it's first major boost from, of all people, former TV football analyst John Madden who would introduce it to viewers and proceed to carve it with his bare hands. Later, he started awarding turduckens to members of the winning team in Fox TV's NFL Thanksgiving Bowl. I wonder if he served it to them too, using his unique carving method.

Madden no longer calls football games. But that won't stop me from celebrating (your) Thanksgiving. I'll be watching my own version of turducken...

Pigskin Hiken'

Pause Ponder and Pun #107

2011-11-23T06:58:00.000-05:00

Malisa from Pent-Up Photos supplies us with this week's pic. Thanks Malisa.

They say a dog is man's best friend but I guess an orangutang is woman's. Who would have guessed?

What's your take on this week's pic?

Let me know what monkey business you can get up to.

We'll see you Saturday with our results.

I'm Stunned Monday

2011-11-21T06:50:00.000-05:00

Unh-uh...unh-uh, unh-uh

unh-uh...unh-uh, unh-uh

I'm stunned Monday (unh-uh...unh-uh, unh-uh)

Not good to me (unh-uh...unh-uh, unh-uh)

Monday mornin' wasn't all I hoped it would be

Oh Monday mornin', Monday mornin' couldn't guarantee (unh-uh...unh-uh, unh-uh)

That Monday evening I'd have a post for you all to see

I'm stunned Monday, can't trust that day

Stun day, Monday sometimes you just have nothing to say

Oh Monday morning' you gave me no warning" of what was to be

Oh Monday, Monday how come there's nothin' to inspire me

Every other day, every other day

Every other day of the week is fine, yeah

But whenever Monday comes, but whenever Monday comes

You can find me trying' to write something fine

I'm stunned on Monday

Not good to me

Monday morning all thought has left me

Oh Monday morning' Monday morning I just wanna break free

And write some witty thing where you leave a comment with me

Every other day, every other day

Every other day of the week is fine, yeah

But whenever Monday comes, I'm feeling really dumb

I've got writer's block all of the time

I'm stunned Monday (You know, I'm just stupid)

Can't trust that day (And there's no inspiration)

I'm stunned Monday ( I already said that)

Yeah to my great dismay (I am such a moron)

Whoa, Monday, Monday how long can I delay? (Not much longer, jerk-head)

Oh Monday, Monday gives me probs, eh? (unh-uh...unh-uh, unh-uh)

Oh Monday, Monday (This song's about Monday)

With apologies to the Mamas and Papas, although the guy that wrote this song is dead and will never hear this god-awful parody.

Sunday Funnies

2011-11-20T06:45:00.000-05:00

Pause Ponder and Picking a Place to Park

2011-11-19T07:01:00.000-05:00

Welcome to another week of our Mickey Mouse little caption contest, where once a week those who participate enter the magical kingdom of captioning. And it's where I get the chance to wade through all your goofy submissions. So let's see what we've got going this week.

I don't know if this is Main Street U.S.A. but this guy sure took a wrong turn on Autopia.

Let's see what you guys came up with for this...

A metaphor for Rick Perry's campaign

Jayne

to which 00dozo responded:

I assume the train is reserved for Cain?

Another woman tries to parallel park

moooooog

Honey, I told you that woman on your GPS was nothing but trouble.

Laughingmom

Drum roll please... This week's witty winner is...

OnStar. How may I help you?

Shawn

Way to go Shawn. You be hang in' with dufus. We'll see you in Anaheim. And we'll see everybody else next Wednesday when we run a pic submitted by Malisa from Pent-up Photos. She has some great pics on her blog. You should check it out!

Pudding Your Dessert Where Your Waist Is

2011-11-17T06:51:00.000-05:00

What's your favourite part of a meal at a restaurant? I'd have to say mine is dessert. And more often than not that dessert involves chocolate.

A meal at a restaurant is nice once in a while. It frees your wife or girlfriend from spending hours preparing a dinner only to see it vanish in under 10 minutes.

And you can take your time with your better half. An evening of quality time spent in a chic bistro, sipping a nice chablis for her, gulping a couple of Coronas for me. A knowing wink, a subtle nod in anticipation of what might come later...snuggling up close together, looking deep into one another's eyes, then gazing intently at...the dessert menu.

What the heck did you think I was talking about. That stuff's not suitable for a blog. And if I wrote about it as often as I got it? Well, let's just say my posts would be, um, intermittent?

Any way, back to the restaurant and...dessert.

Did you know that 7 in 10 women take at least 20 minutes to decide whether or not to have dessert in a restaurant? "Waiter, another Corona over here?" Apparently the delay is due to coming to grips with possibly moving up to another dress size.

A British survey discovered, nevertheless, that after those 20 minutes most women would finally order a dessert. Oddly enough the survey didn't ask how long it takes the average woman to "choose" a desert. "Waiter, another Corona over here?" after having finally deciding to have one.

No surprise that the survey found men don't think twice about ordering dessert. Unlike women, however, they don't order it to share with their partner.

Perhaps the most surprising aspect of this story from Britain is the comment made by the company spokesperson that conducted the survey. "As a nation, over the past couple of years, we have become more adventurous with flavours...". Yeah, right. Like Brits have taste? This from a nation who's national dish is fish and chips or steak and kidney pie.

Desserts in Britain are another thing. The top 5 favoured by Brits are:
1. cheesecake
2. Chocolate Fudge Cake
3. Banoffee Pie
4. Ice Cream Sundae
5. Apple Pie

Okay, so who doesn't like cheesecake.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say I think I'd choose the chocolate.

I've never had Banoffee Pie. I wonder how that got invented. After some guy accidentally stuck his banana in his cup of coffee?

And Ice Cream Sundae and Apple Pie? Are those Brits pretending to be Americans?

So, guys, isn't it about time you took your woman friend out for a nice dinner at a restaurant? Go ahead. You guys deserve your just desserts.

Pause Ponder and Pun #106

2011-11-16T07:02:00.000-05:00

Jan and Dean have nothing on this guy.

This is the kinda guy we'd say got his license in a box of Cracker Jacks.

How about you? What would you say?

Leave your captions in the comments.

We'll re-"turn" on Saturday with our winners.

You'll Hee-Haw Over This

2011-11-14T06:53:00.000-05:00

Okay this is just a gratuitous picture of Julie Roberts and has nothing to do with this post other than that she played a call girl in the movie Pretty Woman. She could have been the inspiration for the Roy Orbison song of the same name, but I really can't be sure.

So, on with our little tail (not a misprint).

I think this guy must have been what Jagger and Richards were writing about in that song of theirs. You know the one. Beast of Burden? Yeah, that's it.

A love-lorn lad in Zimbabwe, of all places, says he hired a prostitute, took her home and the next morning woke up with a donkey. Sounds a little like that scene from The Godfather where the guy wakes up next to a horse's head. Our guy didn't wake up with just the head. He woke up with the whole ani-mule.

This is the story our friend Sunday Moyo told after being charged with beastiality. Big surprise, right? He testified in open court that the prostitute "transformed" into a donkey overnight. I tell you this guy has it much worse than Kenny Chesney who went home one night at 2 with a 10 but in the morning woke up at 10 with a two. Oh, yeah.

And, the guy says he's still in love with the donkey.

Man, I guess one might say that some guys will do anything for a piece of ass.

If I were him I would have just burro-d my head under the covers and hoped for the whole thing to go away.

Sunday Funnies

2011-11-13T06:51:00.000-05:00

Pause Ponder and Poofy Apparel

2011-11-12T06:41:00.000-05:00

You tell 'em Philosoraptor. All you drive-bys who peek in but don't leave a comment? You'll never winnit if you're not innit. And what do you win? A fantabulous pic of me hangin' on a clothesline to post on your blog, share on Twitter and Facebook or blow-up, frame and hang over your fireplace. Or throw into your fireplace. Cool, huh? Well, whatever. But more than that, all honourable mentions and winners get free links to their blogs. Now where else will you get such a prize package, huh?

We have the delightful and da lovely Screamin' Me-Me to thank for this week's pic. A former blogger - and an extremely funny one - Me-Me lives just down the road from Quirkyloon in arid Arizona. I don't know if you guys knew this or not but Arizona has the unique distinction of having it's flag designed by the same guy responsible for that 60s animated psychedelic Beatles film Yellow Submarine. Groovy, eh?

So on to the business at hand. Here's our pic, followed by some excellent captions...

...dad?...

Moooooog

"Engage"

00dozo

"This week on What Not To Wear we'll be showing you

how to safely store a ladder"

Mike

Wrong Said Fred

LOTGK

[Picard, Data and Worf are attacked and pursued by Kolaran natives]

Picard: I think it's time to try some unsafe velocities.

Quirkyloon

And this week we have a repeat winner. Laughingmom achieves her second win in a row with:

Sometimes a Rocky Horror fan just needs to "dream it" not "be it".

Congrats, Laughingmom. Like the sign says" you be hangin' with dufus this week. Let's see. Last week we undertook some yoga, bare. (Heh, heh, a little play on words there.) How about this week we get together and try on lady's lingerie. What? No it's not something I would normally do. But sometimes you've just got to go where no man has gone before. Eh? Some men HAVE gone there before? No kidding? Oh, well. There's a Rocky Horror Picture Show revival in town. Wanna go? It's just a jump to the left from where I live. It's a real marathon, though. There's a science-fiction double-feature on as well.

Thanks to all for their wild and whacky captions this week. If you're reading this click on those links to visit our winners' blogs.

And remember the word of the Philosoraptor, folks. You gotta be innit to win nit.

See everybody next week.

Are They For Real?

2011-11-10T06:57:00.000-05:00

Reality shows - love 'em or hate 'em - seem to be a mainstay of cable channel programing. Personally, I hate 'em, with few exceptions. I remember, though, when the American specialty cable channel TLC first began I used to watch that cute and perky Paige Davis in Trading Spaces. I'll bet she melted a few viewers' hearts. But then HGTV came along and spawned an entire schedule of programs based on TLC's home redecorating premise.

That home-wrecker, Paige

I'm a fan of Amazing Race but never got into Survivor. And I certainly never watched those shows based on has-beens and wannabes like Family Jewels with the former KISS member with the longest tongue in the world, the short-lived "that's hot" show, although viewers were lukewarm, with Paris Hilton, the craziness that's called The Kardashians and of course the show I loved to hate - Jon and Kate Plus 8.

I kinda got into Discovery's The Deadliest Catch about five Alaska King crabber captains and their crews, but I took a pass on Ice Road Truckers.

From time to time I'll catch Storage Wars. Yuuuuuuup. It follows several guys to storage locker auctions and covers just what these poor saps come away with. It's good for a laugh. Just not on a regular basis.

I never understood what happened to A&E, dropping intelligent and thought-provoking programs in favour of mind-numbing, reality programming. I mean, c'mon, there's only so many alligators, bats and bees Billy The Exterminator can eradicate from Louisiana homes. And Dog The Bounty Hunter? We all know how each show will end. He and his buxomy wife and fellow crime-fighting cronies always get the bad guy. But now comes the worst, the weirdest, the whackiest show I've ever seen.

It's the tale of a Texas family that runs around the state hunting...wait for it...wild boars. It's called American Hoggers and hunting boars in the bush is what this family does for a living. Apparently there are over 5 million of these things running wild and causing over $50 million in damages in terms of crops, farm animals and what-not.

Jerry Campbell, a grizzly-bearded character, and a dead ringer for singer Ronnie Hawkins, leads his ass-kickin' clan as they cavort after big bad boars. The guy has such a heavy southern accent they run sub-titles every time he speaks. I'm not kidding. His son Robert is along for the ride. But the sibling that caught my attention was Kystal "Pistol" Campbell.

A pistol isn't all Krystal's packin'

Krystal's a former beauty queen and - as the A&E blurb tells it "this Texas beauty isn't worried about breaking a nail when it comes to wrestling down a 300-pound hog".

Boy, reality TV's come a long way since Paige Davis!

Pause Ponder and Pun #105

2011-11-09T06:53:00.000-05:00

WTF?

Captain Picard?

Well, whoever. This guy made it, so, he's definitely gone where no man has gone before.

Wouldn't you say?

You wouldn't?

Then what would you say?

By the way, this is a first for Pause Ponder and Pun. Our pic has been sent to us by a fellow interweb interloper. Yeah, Screaming Me-Me sent me this. You remember Me-Me? Funny former blogger from arid Arizona? Yeah, that's her. No, no not in the picture. She sent me the picture.

Never mind.

Hey, if you want to send me a picture leave me a message on Facebook or e-mail me at nonamedufus@yahoo.ca

We'll see you Saturday.

Catch Him And Keep Him

2011-11-07T06:58:00.000-05:00

I don't know who the heck Christian Carter is or, for that matter, what made me click on his link on one of those news sites. Maybe because something with the headline "Catch Him And Keep Him" just didn't seem very newsy. It kinda stood out against stories about Greece's economy tanking and occupiers occupying my patience. Be that as it may, Mr. Carter promises to "...give you the inside scoop on what men are really thinking..."

Well, maybe that's what made me click. After all, it's no secret what men are thinking...NOTHING!

That's right. If you thought the male mind was a complicated and delicate thing that you needed help to crack I've got news for you. There's only one thing on a man's mind. And if he's lucky he gets it once a week...SUNDAY FOOTBALL.

There's no need to pay Christian Carter (probably not even his real name) for his materials. I can tell you what's going through a man's mind...FOR FREE.

For example, Mr. Carter rhetorically asks "what goes on in a man's mind?" Hello? Like I said "NADA".

And he'll tell you the ten dangerous mistakes to avoid that most women make with men. I don't know about his list but mine starts with "Stop asking him what he's thinking!" Second: "especially during football."

Then there's the seven secrets to communicating with a man that will help create lasting love and affection. For me there's only one and it occurs during the football game: "Can I get you another beer and maybe some nachos, honey?"

And Mr. Carter says he'll share with you the five things women do that annoy men and prevent intimacy. For me that would include the four times I'm asked "What are you thinking?" and the lack of beer and nachos during the football game. Oh, if I were going for six, the flannel pajamas, cold cream and rollers would be added to my list.

And finally, Mr. Love Guru will share with you "inside tips" married women know about the tell-tale signs of a great guy. Now I like to think of myself as a pretty great guy and some of the things that make me great are that I eat with a fork and spoon (except during football); I only ignore my wife for seven hours, one day a week, except when she offers me beer and nachos; I don't watch Sunday night games, preferring instead to let the wife watch Amazing Race and Boardwalk Empire while I snooze on the couch after too much beer and nachos.

Hey, I just had a thought. I wonder if Kim Kardashian's been in touch with this guy?

The producer of this post wants to caution readers that this is a work of fiction. Any similarities to characters such as nonamedufus living or soon-to-be-dead is purely coincidence. Now I've gotta go. Mrs. D wants to wants to know what I'm thinking and I have to come up with a good answer...other than football.

Sunday Funnies

2011-11-06T06:54:00.000-05:00

Pause Ponder and Percolate

2011-11-05T07:03:00.000-04:00

Thank you, my friend. That's quite an endorsement. From the most interesting man in the world to the most interesting caption contest on the interwebs!

So, what have we got this week? Well, I jokingly said our coffee girl was my good blogging buddy Nicky. She tells me, though, she never drinks coffee. So I guess she isn't as flexible as I first thought.

But the rest of our commenters were, submitting a variety of questionable captions. And those are the best kind!

The picture a minute before was stirring in the cream and sugar. It's even more impressive.

nudge-nudge, wink-wink

Vaguemax

Despite years spent working at the local diner, Janie never could grasp the concept of the bottomless cup of coffee.

Shawn

This is NOT why your mother told you to wear clean underwear.

Nicky

One fart or two of sugar...erm, I mean cubes of sugar.

Quirkyloon

And our winner this week, really made me laugh. Well, of course she did. She even has "laugh" in her name.

Everyman's dream barista!

Laughingmom

Way to go, Laughingmom. You really bent over backwards with that effort. You be hangin' with dufus this week. Yes, ma'am. You know I dated a barista once. And when I broke it off, boy, did she ever get steamed. You wanna get together and grab a cup of coffee? No? That's okay. I understand. I'm flexible. Maybe we can find a yoga class instead.

So remember, folks, next week we'll be commenting on a pic my old blogging pal Screaming Me-Me sent, um, me. (I didn't mean "old" in age, Me-Me. I just meant back-in-the-day you and I used to blog together. You know back when they first invented the internet.) Be sure and join us for that.

Oh, and you drive-byers click on these folks' links to visit their blogs. They're pretty funny people.

And remember what the Spanish guy says:

Dona Nobis Pacem 2011

2011-11-03T06:50:00.000-04:00

Well, tomorrow's Blog Blast For Peace Day; a day when bloggers around the world all blog about one thing: P-E-A-C-E. It's a serious subject. But seeing how I manage a humour blog I have a bit of a different take on the subject. This is the post I've published annually for the last couple of years. Due to popular demand, namely mine, I thought I'd run it again. Enjoy. And peace.

In the giant land of Gastronomia, government leaders and their bureaucrats were all in a tizzy. The plump Prime Minister of Gastronomia was about to host a conference of the world's key leaders to discuss the fragile state of peace in the world and there wasn't a moment to lose to ensure, down to the minutest detail, all plans could be accomplished in time for the upcoming meeting of the Gastronomic 8.

The finest of hotel suites would have to be booked, the fanciest limousines would have to be leased, a conference centre would need to be found and a top-notch security detail would have to be employed.

But those things paled in comparison to the responsibility handed to Chance Essare, the Prime Minister's chef. Even though he wore a silly grin, Chance had been delegated as the point man responsible for the conference's menu. Yes, that's right. In the land of fine food, Chance would have to whip up the perfect meal. Chance knew the culinary challenge that lay before him, and the special kitchen implements required to do so, but he was a professional and it was a whisk he was willing to take.

Chance alone would be responsible for keeping the Gastronomic 8 satiated and satisfied. The slightest mistake could result in gastric acid or indigestion at the conference table manifested by a possible hiccup in the proceedings. Heaven help us all if Chance's repast jeopardized world peace and resulted in resounding burps flying across the table like the reports of AK-47s. Worse yet, if Chance's vital vittles were more difficult to digest than the oratory of the peace discussions, odours of war might arise far worse than any pungent mustard gas from World War I.

But what to prepare, what to prepare? Chance knew he had to come up with a culinary delight that appeased all members. A Cordon Bleu dish might tick off the Italians. Similarly, a pasta delight might blow-off the Brits, although they weren't known for their sense of taste, let alone their sense of style. But that's a story for another day. For days Chance stewed (pun intended) over his dilemma.

After two weeks, his sous-chef, Sue (that's right, a real Sue chef) and other sundry cook-like assistants intervened and arrived at a dish sure to preserve peace around the table and thus ensure peace around the world. Chance was amazed at it's simplicity and knew Sue and her culinary colleagues had saved the day with their immortal words:

"All we are saying, is give pizza, Chance."

***

There are many other takes on "peace" to be found @ Blog Blast For Peace. And I'd be remiss if I didn't give a tip of the hat to Mimi Lenox, the founder and director of Blog Blast For Peace. She has been the driving force behind this worldwide effort every year. She works tirelessly for the cause 365 days a year. Personally I don't know how she does it and still retains her good looks.

Pause Ponder and Pun #104

2011-11-02T06:51:00.000-04:00

Nicky was always a little bent out of shape before she got her morning coffee.

Or so she tells me.

What does this picture tell you?

Let me know in the comments and we'll straighten out just who wins on Saturday.

Oh, and next week we'll feature a special pic. It's been submitted by my dear friend and former blogging pal The Screaming Me Me King.

If you want to submit a pic for our consideration, drop me a note (and the pic, of course) on Facebook or e-mail me at nonamedufus@yahoo.ca

See you guys on Saturday.

A Harrowing Hallowe'en Homily

2011-10-31T07:04:00.000-04:00

This is a story about Marvin.

Marvin's a monster.

Don't misunderstand me. He's not a monster in the berates his kids and beats his wife way.

No. I mean in the not human way. He's a real honest-to-goodness monster. Well I shouldn't say not in the human way because Marvin's miscellaneous modules do come from various human sources. But they were donated after they died because, well, they really had no use for them any more.

Marvin's master, Micky, took great pains to create Marvin in his image. And he more or less succeeded. Micky's gone now, the sad victim of an argument between he and his creation. Well, we know who got in the last word in that one, don't we.

Today, of all days, is Marvin's 30th birthday.

It was touch and go there for a while when Marvin was just a mini monster. Transfusions, electrical charges and a little lightening now and then were all that were needed to ensure Marvin grew up to become a normal boo-boy.

In his early 20s Marvin fell in love with Melinda who he met in master Micky's laboratory. He didn't know how she got there but he didn't care. It was monster love at first sight. And after Micky gave Melinda two good eyes the feeling was mutual.

Day after day their love grew until monster miracle of monster miracles triplets, three little monsters you might say, graced the immortal lives of Marvin and Melinda - Fooey, Boo-ee and Ghoulee.

Fooey, Boo-ee and Ghoulie were good monster misfits growing up. They got along well with their neighbourhood zombie pals and performed well in school even thought their teacher told Marvin and Melinda she didn't think they stood a ghost of a chance. But after the little ghouls...girls ate her brains they experienced no problems with their substitute teacher.

Now today's a big day in the Marvin the Monster household. Not only is it Marvin's birthday but today's the one day of the year Marvin, Melinda and their three little ghouls can go out without worrying what they look like. No wigs, today. No make-up to cover the scars. No foundation to deal with those hallow checks.

No, today, as they go door to door in their neighbourhood, they don't even need to wear costumes. They're scary enough without them. Not surprisingly, each year the family wins the "Best Costume" award from their community association, which is somewhat ironic. Nevertheless the annual event has become a real family affair as they share in their haul of fresh body parts and yummy brains. And don't worry.The people they came from don't need them...any more.

And as they limp haphazardly through the streets and go preying upon their unsuspecting victims, unlike normal folks, they much prefer tricks to treats.

And at the end of the night, when they've locked the leftovers safely away in the freezer Marvin and Melinda turn to sweet wee Fooey, Boo-ee and Ghoulie, pat them gently on their scabby and scarred little heads and smile and say sweetly, "You see, girls, the family that preys together decays together".

Happy Hallowe'en!

Sunday Funnies

2011-10-30T06:59:00.000-04:00

Pause Ponder and Preposterous Piercing

2011-10-29T06:51:00.000-04:00

Hey, look who was hangin' with the dufus this week. Yep, my good pal Barry O. I was giving the guy a little economic advice, you know, seeing how we're so solvent north of the border. And look what the guy did. He framed my avatar. Naturally I autographed it for him because he's going to hang it in a very special place at the White House:

"Barack, I'll think of you when I occupy the bathroom."

So let's get down to things and maybe I can enlighten you on who will be hangin' with me this week.

Remember this guy?

Yeah, that's right. Debby Boone's husband. He really light's up her life. Well here's what some other folks said to make it into the honourable mentions this week:

Ladies this is why you never wait until last call to make your choice

Moooooog

Is that a lighter in yor tongue, or are you just glad to see me?

Cruella Collett

You think that's bad? You should see his penis.

Shawn

Hey dig my new subwoofers.

00dozo

*drum roll* and the winner of Pause Ponder and Pun #103 is *rim shot*

You don't even want to know where he keeps his smokes.

Nicky

I quit smoking about 15 years ago, so I don't really care...but I can imagine. Way to go Nicki, you be hanging' with the dufus this week. If you wanna hang out, though, you better leave your smokes at home but maybe you could make us something fun with...cheese. What do you think? Is that a gouda-dea or what, ma belle amie?

To The Victor Go The Spoils

2011-10-27T06:55:00.000-04:00

Okay, I realize I'm taking a chance here running a post about fantasy football. Whenever I do comments for some reason simply plummet. Be thankful it isn't a post of a three day Facebook thread. Those get next to no comments. But on the football thing I think people just go "Oh, no, dufus is rambling on about fantasy football again" and they cover their ears and go "la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la." But, folks, I'm doing so well these days I just had to share. I know it's not about zombies, cute dogs or cryptologists - items that have readers flock to other blogs to leave effusive comments, but, hey, give a guy a break. Look at this as dufus occupies blog street. For today, guys, hold your nose and pass the football.

Yeah, that's me. They don't call me Mr. Tibbs. They call me noname "victor" dufus. In week 7 your humble fantasy football fanatic squeaked by Future Ex-Cons 104-90. It's not the biggest margin for a win. But it's a win nonetheless.

nonames' QB, Mr. Rodgers, had another wonderful day in the neighbourhood, racking up 35 fantasy points. Why was the win so narrow? Seems FE-C had a running back named Adrian Peterson who garnered 28 points. That was a close one, Troi. Good effort, guy.

With our win nonames moves into 3rd spot in the HBFFL. That's right. This fantasy noname neophyte has slipped into 3rd place folks, with a record of 5-2-0.

Well, last week, when I was in 4th spot, I was telling Bourbon Blasters, Predator Press andPurple Drank to start looking over their shoulders. Guys? One down. Two to go. Bourbon Blasters lost to my Penn State pal Unfinished Person. Thanks, UP.

So much for the "victor" part. Now let me tell you how week 8 may well be spoiled.

It'll be a miracle if I move out of 3rd spot in week 8, unless it's down, because Mr. Rodgers, a Running Back, my 2 Kickers and my Defence are all on byes.

Damn, fame can be fleeting. Sometimes fantasy football sucks.

Bourbon Blasters goes down for the count at the hands of the nonames.

This article first appeared at The Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League Blog.

Pause Ponder and Pun #103

2011-10-26T06:54:00.000-04:00

Um, yeah, okay.

Have a go at this guys.

I'm looking forward to your insightful and piercing comments.

See ya Saturday.

The War That Time Forgot

2011-10-24T06:57:00.000-04:00

But not the Government of Canada.

Nope, not our government. They're spending millions of dollars to build statues, dedicate parks, re-enact battles and rub the United States' noses in it. In what? In Canada's victory. That's right my American cousins. We won the War of 1812! Nanny-nanny boo-boo.

Do you know much about our mutual history, my amiable American friends? Nope, me either. Just wanted to be sure we were playing on a level battlefield.

You may have been following some discussions I've had recently with a few blogging buddies about Canadian/American relations. My American friends have taunted and teased me about how cold it is here, that we all eat poutine (on that they're right) smoked meat sandwiches (right again) and that nevertheless they should invade Canada, take over, and set adrift Justine Bieber, Nickelback, Celine Dion and Neil Young on some fast melting ice floe off the coast of Newfoundland.

Without the Treaty of Ghent, Washington might have been the new Ottawa. Of course we would have had to rebuild it since we burned it down. Well, c'mon, fair's fair. You guys burned down *spits* Toronto. Alas the treaty left the boundaries between us as they were before the war. Hey, it's the Canadian way. We probably even apologized to you too, for you starting the war.

How did this almost come to be? Those damn Americans, James Madison in particular, declared war against the British - our four fathers, yeah all four of them - on June 1, 1812. Now Americans like to say they won the battle at sea with their 6 frigates up against Britain's fleet of 1000 ships. Yeah, right. Good luck peddling that.

And they like to think they won on land, along the St Lawrence boundary and through Lake Ontario to Lake Erie. Yeah right. Does the name Major-General Isaac Brock mean anything to you? The man almost single-handidly beat back the Americans throughout Upper Canada. Long after the war they built a huge statue in his honour and named a university after him. And Laura Secord? She played such a pivotal role in warning the British that the Americans were planning an attack she got to open a chain of chocolate shops throughout the country.

Now let me rub a little salt in the wounds of mes amis Americains. Lest you think it was the British that, alone, emerged victorious. They had a little help. Turns out most inhabitants of Upper Canada that joined forces with the British to turn back those nasty Americans were Revolutionary-era exiles from the United States and post-revolutionary war American immigrants. Kind of like an 1812 version of our harbouring your draft-dodgers.

But after all is said and done the War of 1812 set British North America on it's course towards nationhood, formally becoming Canada in 1867. Of course it only took us until 1982 to repatriate our constitution.

So how much is the Government of Canada spending to commemorate the event and ram this little victory down your throats? $28 million dollars. Imagine if the British spent that much on the war itself. You guys might now be living in the United States of Canada.

My God. That means Pee Wee Herman, Lady Ga Ga and Rush Limbaugh were a hair's breadth away from being Canadian!

Sunday Funnies

2011-10-23T06:59:00.000-04:00

Pause Ponder and A Piggy Poitrine

2011-10-22T06:58:00.000-04:00

No not poutine. Poitrine. That's French for breast. I'll make you guys bilingual yet. Or at least teach you the essential French words to know. You know, things like "Excusez-moi, mais vous avez poutine sur votre poitrine". You never know when your wife or girlfriend might drip poutine on their, um, poitrine, right? And how better to tell her than by using the universal language of love...and cheese curds.

This is what you get when you google "poitrine pics":

You can see how very different those are from poutine. Okay now that I've totally distracted you, or some of you perhaps, let's try to get get back to the matter at hand.

Boy, you folks are good. Determining a winner this week was extremely difficult. There were so many great captions to, what I thought was, one weird picture. I wonder if it was old MacDonald's wife? Ee-eye-ee-eye-oh. And by the way, those certainly aren't little piggies. Any-hoo, let's take a look at this week's finalists...

No. I said you would look better if you had BIG tits.

Shawn

Victoria's secret revealed.

00dozo

A loaf of bread, two jugs of swine, and thou?

Laughingmom

After this adverse reaction, the swine flu vaccine was pulled from the shelves

Skeeter

But our winner this week is an old hand at PPP and probably our most frequent winner. Welcome back to the podium Moooooog. You had what I thought was our breast caption (oops...a slip of the keyboard, there) this week.

Boobs: the other white meat.

Way to go, Moooooog. You be hangin' with dufus this week. Watchya wanna do, guy? Maybe we can order some take-out from St. Hubert BBQ. I'm gonna get some chicken nuggets. Knowing you, you'll probably want a poitrine de poulet.

Well that wraps up this week's Pause Ponder and Pun. See you again Wednesday for yet another stimulating edition of our little weekly contest.

What's It To Ya?

2011-10-20T06:52:00.000-04:00

You've heard there was a yummy food

That dufus ate, and t'was very good

But you don't really care for breakfast, do you?

It goes like this

In it's own grease

The minor heat, major release

I love to cook my bacon what's it to ya?

What's it to ya, what's it to ya?

What's it to ya?

What's it tooooo-oo-oo-oo ya?

Your hunger's strong but I, like a goof,

I saw it call to me on the hoof

It's beauty in the barnyard overthrew you

I carved it in my kitchen lair

I broke it's bones and cut it bare

And from my lips you drew the "What's it to ya?"

What's it to ya, what's it to ya?

What's it to ya?

What's it tooooo-oo-oo-oo ya?

Baby I have been here before

I know this pork, I've asked for more

I used to fry alone before I knew you

I've seen you cook home fries with starch

My eyes they lifted in an arch

It's a cold and it's a broken "What's it to ya?"

What's it to ya, what's it to ya?

What's it to ya?

What's it tooooo-oo-oo-oo ya?

There was a time when you let me know

What's really going on you know

But now you never ask me for it do you?

And remember when we both ate it

Before your crazy diet shit

And not a breath we drew was "What's it to ya?"

What's it to ya, what's it to ya?

What's it to ya?

What's it tooooo-oo-oo-oo ya?

Maybe there's sausage above

But all I've ever learned my love

Was how to fry up bacon, serve it to you

It's not a food you can cook at night

It's just something one prepares just right

It's not cold but it's crispy, Hallelujah

What's it to ya, what's it to ya?

What's it to ya?

What's it tooooo-oo-oo-oo ya?

You say I eat it again, again

I don't even know it's name

But of course I do, it's bacon, what's it to you?

There's a blaze of light beneath the pan

As I fry some more for our dog Dan

And me, not you, and me "What's it to ya?"

What's it to ya, what's it to ya?

What's it to ya?

What's it tooooo-oo-oo-oo ya?

I did my best, it wasn't much

Bacon, eggs, toast, fries and such

I've cooked the stuff, I poured the juice, just for you

And even though it looks so sweet

I'll stand before the Lord of Meat

With bacon on my tongue, yes, Hallelujah

What's it to ya, what's it to ya?

What's it to ya?

What's it tooooo-oo-oo-oo ya?

With apologies to Leonard Cohen and Porky Pig

Pause Ponder and Pun #102

2011-10-19T07:05:00.000-04:00

Okay some people are dull but this woman's a down right boar.

Waddaya think?

Leave a caption or two or three in the comments.

There'll be no pig in a poke come Saturday. What you'll see will be what you get.