Monday, 30 May 2011

Big 'M', Little 'M' and Noname

One upon a time in the little suburb of Toronto known as Scarborough lived an 8 year-old who loved hockey. Back in the late 50s/early 60s, of course, the National Hockey League consisted of only 6 teams. Thanks to a magical electronic box in the corner of his living room little Noname would, from time to time, be allowed to stay up late and watch his revered Maple Leafs - hazy little black and white figures - skate from one end of the ice to the other and, more often than not, slam home a little black puck into their opponent's net.

His heroes included goalie Johnny Bower and players Bobby Baun, Tim Horton, Eddie Shack, Bob Pulford, George Armstrong, Red Kelly, Dave Keon and his very favourite Frank Mahovlich.

So taken was Noname with the Maple Leafs that he played street hockey with his friends every chance he got and his Dad would walk with him to the arena in winter where he played little league hockey. He played various positions. He played wing where he checked an opposing player into the boards after the whistle. The player's mom yelled at the ref about the bully who should get a penalty. Bully? Hell, Noname could hardly keep his skates upright. Let the poor guy have a little fun. Next up was goalie where Noname would spend half-an-hour before each game suiting up in pads that were bigger than he was. In spite of those huge pads he rarely stopped a puck, seeing how he couldn't get up enough momentum to move and then if he did he couldn't stop. Noname was a well-rounded player in that he pretty much sucked at every position except "bench". But he loved the game. And he loved his Maple Leafs. And he loved Frank Mahovlich.

One day Noname went shopping to Loblaws with his Mom at the nearby Golden Mile shopping plaza. As his mother was proceeding through the checkout Noname looked outside and guess what he saw? Frank Mahovolich was sitting on a bench outside the grocery store wearing his #27 Maple Leaf leather jacket. "Mom, Mom" said Noname "Quick, have you got a pencil and a paper?" And like all Mothers she had just what he needed in that purse of hers. He tore out of the store, ran up to Frank and stammered, "Um, ah, Mr. Mahovlich, could I have your autograph? I'm a really big fan and I watch you play all the time."

But the stars were not aligned that day. Frank opened his mouth and said "Oh, I'm not Frank. I'm his little brother Peter. I'm just wearing Frank's jacket."

"Peter?" he thought. "Hell, I've never even heard of him." Totally dejected, his arms dropped to his sides and he slowly turned and walked away. Little did he know that 3 years later Peter would be drafted by the Red Wing organization 2nd overall in the amateur draft and end up winning 4 Stanley Cups with the Montreal Canadiens, where - guess what - he ended up playing several seasons with big brother Frank.

Today, Frank's a Senator in the Parliament of Canada. Peter's a scout for the Florida Panthers and Noname never did get either brother's autograph.

Saturday, 28 May 2011

Pause Ponder and The Pepsi Challenge

Who knew a coke-addled blonde babe could inspire so many great captions. But I'm dealing with you guys, so nothing should surprise me. It's too bad we can only limit ourselves to just some of the submissions. But here's a taste...

I've tried snorting coke but the bubbles always get up my nose

I snort Diet Coke because I want to keep my girlish figure.

Purple Pamela used to do speedballs, but they made her stop sticking her head in front of the pitching machine. Then she tried moving on to horse, but wouldn't you know? Another concussion when it kicked her.

Finally, evidence that Coke's competitors tampered with their product before asking the public to take the Pepsi Challenge
Whitey (from *spits* Toronto)

But it was a previous winner and a former colleague of mine who had me snorting (laughing, that is - hey, humour's a natural high!)

Harold Camping's disciple NostrilDamus confirms end of the world!

Way to go Ray. You be hangin' with the Dufus this week. I would have thought that after all those years of working together you'd be tired of hangin' out with me but, hey, what the heck.

And congratulations to the rest of you deviants. Whether you were mentioned or not I sure appreciate you playing along.

Click on these folks' links and visit THEIR blogs. And if you'd like to talk to Whitey and Raymond who don't have blogs stay tuned. I'll be passing along their private phone numbers so you can call them collect!

Thursday, 26 May 2011

Indian Giver

My wife gave me an iPad for my birthday.

And now she won't give it back to me.

Damn you Apple.

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Pause Ponder and Pun #81

Is this how you do it?

You tell me.

Leave me your caption.

We'll s(n)ort things out Saturday.

Monday, 23 May 2011

Sunday, 22 May 2011

Sunday Funnies

Did you all survive The Rapture? I don't know about you but I think I'm either dead or very hung over. Or maybe that's redundant.

Could be my brother Whitey (from *spits* Toronto) and I did a little too much ignoring the end of the world and instead are well on our way in celebrating the long Victoria Day weekend. All in the name of research, mind you. We wanted to see exactly what two-four weekend was all about:
Anyhoo, now that we know we'll have to start celebrating the fact that we've survived the rapture. While we get started on that, take a look at these...

Now, having survived the end of the world, I'm not sure if I'll survive to the end of the weekend in *spits* Toronto. So I may or may not be back tomorrow. Stay tuned.

Saturday, 21 May 2011

Pause Ponder and Pinned

You guys never disappoint. I just keep throwing weird pictures out there and each week the captions get better and better. This week I have a dilemma. What with The Rapture and all I kind of got carried away and in a last ditch effort to demonstrate what a swell guy I am ('cause I heard the Lord was back and this time he's pissed) I've decided to proclaim two winners this week. When you see their captions I think you'll agree. First up our honourable mentions...

If this looks painful, you should see which part of his body the other 37 clothespins are attached to.

Nathan the Nerd prepared for another wild evening of battling Sonic the Hedgehog.

Put on Broadway plays in your own home! Available for immediate shipment, the first release of Play-In-A-Box from Ronco - Lion King Edition. Call now operators are standing by.
Bryant Hutchinson

"I ran out of Pro-activ. I had to do something for my Pimples."

And our winners?

Osama Pin Laden

What happens when you ask a woman with PMS to do your laundry.

Ha, ha you guys are too much. Congrats to you both. You be hangin' with dufus this week. I don't know, though. If some of the things I've read are true we might all be hangin' after 6pm EST today. And just as I was beginning to slide into Canada's two-four holiday weekend. I was gonna invite you guys to join me. But with the end of the world and all...

Thursday, 19 May 2011

If You Like This Please Comment Or Share

Don't you love it when misguided parents drop weird names on their newborns?

For example, did you know that while former president Eisenhower's parents named him Dwight, they called him Ike. The name stuck and people called him Ike throughout his whole life. Could be worse, I suppose. They could have called him Ick. Then his 1952 presidential campaign slogan might have been "I'm sick about Ick". Or worse yet, they could have called him Uck. I'll let you work out the campaign slogan of your choice.

I remember a co-op student who worked for me once named Summer Breeze. I think her granola-induced parents must have dropped a tab before they came up with that one. Or else really liked Seals and Crofts.

Anyway, a couple in Israel wanting to demonstrate their "love" for Facebook has just named their newborn daughter...are you ready?...Like. Ya, you read right. They named their daughter Like.

What's up with that? Was her mother a Valley Girl or something? I can hear her now: "Like, fer sure, like we looked for like a name like and decided we, like, really liked Like".

And what happens when this kid grows up? She goes to school and comes across Comment and Share. I can imagine the conversation these kids have. You know how kids can be competitive. "My folks are crazier than your folks." "Oh, no they're not, my folks are crazier than yours are! And imagine the confusion when the teacher asks her students: "Now who would Like to Share a Comment?"

My real worry is if this Israeli couple has more kids. Imagine running into these people in the grocery store. "This is our first born Like. And here's her twin brothers Twit and Tweet and Status her sister." If it happened to me I'd probably say something like: "Pleased to meet you and your family. I'm Hot Male and this is my wife Yahoo and our daughters Amazon and YouTube!"

That's my status and I'm sticking to it!

Would you like to Comment or Share?

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Pause Ponder and Pun #80

You ever wonder what someone means when they call someone a real pin head?

Take a good look.

Okay now that you've looked leave me a comment...or two...or three.

We'll pinpoint a winner Saturday.

Monday, 16 May 2011

Seal Team 6 - Kings Of The Wild Frontier?

The surprising thing for me in the wake of the Bin Laden brouhaha? No it wasn't the discovery of porn in the hideaway. Although, with five wives lying about you have to ask yourself why? Nor was it the discovery of a marijuana crop. Hey, does it surprise you to learn the guy was stoned out of his mind?

No I should have seen this coming but what surprised me was the speed with which it was done and the company that did it. I'm speaking, of course, of the news late last week that no sooner had Osama's remains sunk to the bottom of the Arabian Sea the Walt Disney Company sunk to a new low and moved to trademark the name of the elite special forces team that killed Osama Bin Laden, "Seal Team 6".

Disney's trademark applications cover clothing, footwear, headwear, toys, games and "entertainment and education services" among other things. I think they've just about covered everything saving renaming their theme parks Osamaland.

The news last week first made me think of that old Disney double entendre "is Disney fuckin' Goofy?" The other half of that old joke involved Minnie, but you get the idea. But the more I thought about it the more I thought: bad taste or no, Disney's gonna cash in.

Disney's Goofy

The trend in Hollywood these days is sequels and remakes. Imagine, if you will, (thank you, Rod Serling) the following possibilities.

Remember "Finding Nemo"? Get set for its sequel "Finding Osama". It could happen. But I warn you...this time around the main character dies in the end.

There's the Disney classic "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs". Imagine "Snow White and Seal Team Six". This may be an x-rated film with the sub-title "Hi Ho, Hi Ho".

How about "The Incredibles"? They wouldn't even have to change the title!

When I was a kid I can recall watching "The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes" with Kurt Russell. The updated version might be called "Seal Team Six Wore Kevlar Suits and Night Vision Goggles". I think Russell's still available for the leading role.

Of course, Disney would have had to have been inventive if Team 6 had tortured Bin Laden. Then they might have to reinvent and revise their classic "Old Yeller".

And who will star in Disney's new Seal Team 6 movies, be plastered all over T-shirts and lunch boxes, be the heros of violent video games?

Well, given the operation encountered a few problems like crashing it's helicopter I think Mickey Mouse is a safe bet.

It took the US 10 years to find the guy so I think maybe Goofy's in. And I think two of the dwarfs, Dopey and Sleepy are prime candidates, too.

But, personally, I think the real money's on Sammy The Way Out Seal. Yep, I think he's really got a, er, make that flipper up.

Sammy's already a trained seal!
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