Saturday, 30 April 2011

Pause Ponder and the Human Pretzel

This week's pic showed how really twisted some of you guys are. We had a lot of good captions and many birthday and blogaversary wishes, too. Thanks guys. Okay let's see if we can unravel things. We'll start with some honourable mentions...


Leroy finally figured out where that smell was coming from.



A possible side-effect resulting from the new and improved KY products?



I'm gonna hafta bow out of this one; the competition is just too twisted.
ba_hutch



And just like that, Rodney invented the highway off-ramp.
(T-shirts and mugs now available)
Whitey (via Facebook)



Good one Jim, er, ah, Whitey but funnily enough Rodney er, ah, Moooooog wins this week with:


If I could do this, I'd never leave the house.


Way to go Moooooog. You be hangin' with dufus this week, literally. Thanks to everyone who took the time to leave a caption. Back again next Wednesday with another edition of Pause Ponder and Pun.

Thursday, 28 April 2011

59 or 64


*whispers*

Shhh!

Come closer.

I don't want to say this too loudly.

Don't tell anyone.

It's my birthday.

Yep, I'm another year older.

And so are my kidneys and bladder.

So here's a little tune to observe my internal organs' birthday.

It's based on Chicago's 25 or 6 to 4....

Ready?

Hit it!

Dunh, dunh, dunh, dunh, dunh... dunh, dunh, dunh, dunh, dunh...

(Okay so you try interpreting the opening of that song!)

Can't wait for the break of day
I've gotta go now, right away
Bang against the bed my thigh
Tears swell up I start to cry
Running cross-legged across the floor
Am I 59 or 64?

Staring blindly at my knee
It's dark and I squat to pee
Wanting just to go to sleep
My pj's down in a heap
Should I try to pee some more
Am I 59 or 64?

Feeling like I ought to wake
Today's the day I'll have cake
And maybe some beers, we will see
I'll prolly just have to pee
Sit me near the bathroom door
Am I 59 or 64?

So if you haven't guessed yet I'm 59. It's my kidneys and bladder that feel like they're 64!

If you can't put my words with the tune, here's the original:



If you're wondering what the heck the original song is about here's an explanation of what the lyrics mean.

Geez, their words make less sense than mine.

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Pause Ponder and Pun #77

Well it's both my blogaversary and birthday this week so I'm a little bent out of shape.

Well, that's what I'd say.

What about you?

C'mom back Saturday when we'll straighten this all out.

Monday, 25 April 2011

What, It's That Time Already?



From what I can tell they started out in the early to mid 90s as threads, evolving into list-serves and diaries and finally weblogs or blogs. There are now more than 155 million blogs worldwide.

That's boggling. Well it's blogging actually. And today marks the fourth year since I dipped my fingers into the blogosphere.

Daunting to think there's so many other other bloggers out there.

I started out in the spring of 2007 just sharing jokes and videos with friends and family and keeping them up to speed on developments having to do with my cancer. My regular readers will know I've had 2 bone marrow transplants since then and things are on the up and up.

The blog, too, has improved - I like to think - evolving into a forum for my own special brand of humour and an ongoing humorous exchange of comments between me and my regular readers.

So thanks for reading along folks. Some, like Sandie at Quirkyloon and Donnie at Beyond Left Field have been with me from the early days. Many others, though, have given up their blogs and moved on to real-life pursuits. I see some of them from time to time on Facebook and such but I miss their blogs.

But I want to thank all my followers, whether they've been with me for a long time or a short time. They make my life interesting. And, like the poster above, they make me feel wanted.

Um, in a good way.

Christ, I'm starting to sound like Sally Fields.

Enough!

Saturday, 23 April 2011

Pause Ponder and Planes

We had some excellent captions this week. First up, our honourable mentions...


"Trust us, Joe. We just put a fresh coat of invisible paint on it."



Neil Armstrong rethinks his famous quote, "That's one giant step for man..."



STEP ON THE YELLOW LINE
FAA's new test for pilots flying while under the influence.
Raymond

And our winner is...



Joe, going on his first date with Wonder Woman, is a little leery about letting her drive.
ba_hutch

Way to go ba_hutch. This week you be hangin' with the dufus. Wanna get together and hunt for easter eggs?

Thursday, 21 April 2011

Big Foot Notes

Did you think this title referred to a post about:

1) Bigfoot?

Get a haircut and get a real job

2) having a big foot or feet?

A small alligator or a really big shoe?

3) footnotes?

blah, blah, blah

Lately I've been spending a lot of time reading. If you want to see the books I've gone through lately just click on the Books page at the top, there.*

I've read some great and enjoyable books and recently expanded my horizons into history books. For example, I'm currently reading a biography about former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau. I'm enjoying it as it describes a period in Canadian history close to 40 years ago when I wasn't really paying too much attention to politics.** Although in subsequent years, having worked as both a political journalist and a bureaucrat, I've grown to become a bit of a political junkie and am fascinated by what goes on behind the scenes.

Now, while "Just Watch Me" by John English is a fascinating read for a political junkie there's just one thing about the book that bugs me. Footnotes. And there are a lot in this book.

They're annoying. Just when you're in the middle of an ongoing narrative*** an asterisk appears forcing you to go down to the bottom of the page to read something the author thinks is important to expand on. This often causes me to lose my place in the narrative (see earlier footnote on narrative). Sometimes the footnote carries across the bottom of two pages. This isn't so bad when the two pages face one another. But on those occasions when you have to turn the page to complete the footnote and then turn back to find your place again in the narrative (remember narrative?) before you can turn the page again it's most frustrating. It's almost like reading two narratives at once. Although, that can't be. One's a footnote.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share that with you today. Gotta go, though. I've got 8 chapters of endnotes**** to catch up on.



* The Books Page was created so I could share with visitors who also are into books just what I've been reading. This footnote is illustrative and completely unnecessary.
** The period was the late 60s/early 70s and if I remember correctly I was much more interested in, as Ian Drury used to say, sex and drugs and rock and roll. This footnote is also illustrative and completely unnecessary.
*** A narrative is a story or account of events, experiences, or the like, whether true or fictitious. This footnote is somewhat illustrative as you may not have known this. Thus it might be completely necessary.
**** You don't want to know. In this instance the footnote is not illustrative but most useful and necessary.

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Pause Ponder and Pun #76

Talk about a flight to nowhere!

What's your take?

Leave me a caption and we'll touch down with a winner Saturday.

***

HEY! Speaking of flights to nowhere, jet on over to Parody Files today for my take on Gary Busey's departure from Celebrity Apprentice. In the thoughtful thespian's own words, "you'll be dancing on rainbow's" Oh, yeah.

Monday, 18 April 2011

Political Debate Iced




I don't know what it is about us Canadians but we make it so easy for others to laugh at us. Is it our love of Tim Horton's coffee and donuts? What about that elegant gooey gourmet gloop of cheese curds, gravy and fries known as poutine? Could it be because our country is where the sport of hockey was born but we have precious few of our teams in the playoffs? Or maybe it's because our Prime Minister acts so damn presidential.

During the current election campaign - oh, yeah, we're having an election here. Have you heard? Probably not. Stop me if this sounds familiar - our President, er, ah, Prime Minister has been accused of running a tightly controlled campaign from a bubble, tossing out "undesirables" from rally stops and limiting media questions to only 4 or 5 per event. His government is plagued by scandals, has been accused of misleading Parliament and Canadians and even Canadians snicker at him calling his party the Harper Government as opposed to maybe the Conservative Government or better yet the Government of Canada. And yet, he and his party lead in the polls. Go figure.

Every campaign has a leaders' debate. Ours was last Tuesday. That is to say the English language debate was last Tuesday. It was meh. There's 2 hours of my life I'll never get back. The French debate, originally scheduled for last Thursday was moved to Wednesday night. Why? Well the Montreal Canadians were facing off against the Boston Bruins in their round 1 playoff opener Thursday. (Montreal won!) God forbid Canadians should choose between the two. I'm not kidding. In Canada hockey trumps politics.

I think if our 4 political leaders were worried about people tuning into them they should have combined the two events. A few hip-checks, some high-sticking, two-on-twos and a concussion or two might really have held the viewers. It could be an interesting way of choosing a leader. Instead of us voting, it'd be last man standing. Oh, and of course Don Cherry would moderate the event. You know Don Cherry. He's the loud-mouthed and loud-suited hockey commentator who once said visors were only worn mostly by sissy Europeans and French guys. Caused a furor.

I might watch that!

Cherry tells Harper to put his visor on for French debate.


This post originally appeared at The Parody Files.

***

Hey guys, lookit this! Everyday Goddess has been lurking about again and last week gave me an award for last Thursday's post How Cliche. Thanks EG! And thanks to all who dropped over from her blog. In keeping with the theme of that post, any friend of EG's is a friend of mine, although I won't count my new visitors until they're hatched. For all in tense and porpoises this is a great award! heh, heh.

Photobucket



Saturday, 16 April 2011

Pause Ponder and Perturbed



Woah, guys. Your responses were over the top this week both in quantity and quality. A lot of hilarious comments, believe me. We even had one comment - an anonymous one - that indicated the photo wasn't funny and should be taken down. This person was quite perturbed. Now there's validation for ya. PPP really is off the wall and no topic is taboo around here!

We're going to expand our honourable mentions this week because there were so many good ones. Now, where should we start?


At this year's science fair, young Eric introduced man's newest travelling companion, Shrinkie, the first portable lap doll. "It's Shrinkie, it's Shrinkie, man's first portable doll. It's Shrinkie, it's Shrinkie the most wonderful doll of them all."
Raymond



And Tom was never wing-man for Tiger Woods again!



Amazingly, her face distracts you from her ridiculously huge left hand.



Moooooog finally convinces his sister to go to the prom with him.



Well there goes the old adage about 'opposites attract'.



Who's Sorry Now!
A new reality show featuring survivors of a Utah cult



Romance blooms at the Ozark Mountain Banjo Festival



But the biggest winner, or loser depending on your point of view, had to be:

You think you've got a small head, you should see the one in my pants.



Ha, ha, good one. Way to go Madge. You were head and shoulders above the rest. Heh, heh. Congrats, girl. You be hangin' with the dufus this week. Wanna go see a movie or sumpin'? I think there's a revival of Deliverance down at the Mayfair this weekend.

And we've got a Golden Clothespin recipient this week. That's where we award the best comment ABOUT a comment. In response to our anonymous admirer telling us we shouldn't make fun of someone with a disease or deformity, Chris@Knucklehead responded:

Who the hell are you calling deformed? You insensitive ASSHOLE!

Which all goes to show that deformity is in the eye of the beholder. Or something like that.

And thanks to all for your weird and whacky comments. They were up (or down, and you know who you are) to your usual standards and didn't disappoint. Look forward to seeing you all back here next week.




Thursday, 14 April 2011

How Cliche


You ever wonder why people often don't say what they really mean? In an effort to be precise with their language they'll over think things and use a cliche. Often these cliches can be deceiving or not make sense. In short, they're not very helpful.

For example, if you were to stop and ask "how far is it to the next town?" and the answer you got was "oh, about 25 miles as the crow flies" would you find that very helpful? Well, no. You're not a crow. You're driving a car and after several rights or lefts and over several bridges it'll probably be about 100 miles. A crow flies straight. You don't. Unless your on something I'm not aware of.


And what about the cliche "cooking with gas'? I don't know. My wife's mistakenly wandered into the bathroom after me and there's no way she'd use that stuff to cook with.

How about "a bird in the hand's worth two in the bush"? The only thing a bird in the hand is good for is leaving some doo-doo on your palm. Next time leave it in the bush.

What about when someone tells you to "bite your tongue"? What are they nuts? They should try it and see how they like it.

And frankly I'd be tripping myself up if someone told me to "put your best foot forward". How would I know which foot was my best foot, anyway? I mean I'm kinda partial to my right foot but others beg to differ.

And when somebody tells me something's "as easy as pie" how easy is pie? I don't know how to make a pie so for me that might be "hard to believe".

And if someone's able to "kill two birds with one stone" they're one of two things: very, very mean or a very good aim.

And telling someone there's "plenty of fish in the sea" when they break up with someone isn't helpful. I mean you can only be so healthy and what does that have to do with finding a new relationship.

And the expression "I wasn't born yesterday" annoys me. Of course you weren't. Who learns to talk in just two days.

So if you feel as I do about people using cliches instead of straight language "join the club.!"

"That just goes without saying."


Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Pause Ponder and Pun #75

I just don't know what to make of this one.

I better leave it to you guys.

Leave your captions in the comments and we'll see ya Saturday with a winner.

Monday, 11 April 2011

Brits Are Mad As Hell


That's "mad" as in upset not unbalanced, although a case might be made for the latter. But I digress.

A recent survey of jolly old Englanders indicated they spend three and-a-half years of their lives being angry. That works out to an hour and 19 minutes a day! Well, hell, that's easily enough explained. If you had to drink beer the consistency of motor oil, eat tasteless delicacies like bangers and mash and live without central heating you'd be bloody angry too!

Here are the top ten anger triggers:

1. bad customer service
2. automated phone systems
3. public transport
4. modern technology
5. queueing
6. traffic wardens
7. dog mess
8. learning drivers
9. eating on public transport
10. public display of affection

I can't argue with most of those as things that tick me off. Although I don't understand getting angry over public displays of affection. Public displays of eating on public transport, okay. But holding hands and kissing. That means there's still hope, people. Unless, of course, couples are feeding each other in public.

Canadians have long had three things to complain about: the weather, imported American beer and the Toronto Maple Leafs. And all with good reason. All three suck.

But thanks to the Brits, here in the colonies we now have a fourth item. If I see one more promo for the televised wedding of Harry and Kate (or is it William? Yeah, it's William. Those Royals all look the same. I think it's inbreeding.) I'm gonna throw a brick through my flat screen TV. Those 2 should have eloped.

But then I'll have to use public transit while I watch people eating, looking out for traffic wardens as I jaywalk, avoiding dog mess while I queue up to encounter bad customer service as I purchasing replacement modern technology...

And as for public displays of affection? I Have my own royal greeting. On April 29th I intend to wave one finger instead of the whole hand.
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