Saturday, 30 October 2010

Pause Ponder and Pistol-Whipped

Well everyone took their best shot this week and a few of you just narrowly missed the target. Here are the guys who made it into my sights this week...

You've got me stumped.

The day the Oompa Loompas decided they weren't
gonna take Willy Wonka's shit any more.

Moooooog's small stature didn't stop him from entering
the Thanksgiving turkey shoot.

The Overcompensator fires bullets the size of soda cans
and is guaranteed to drown out the haunting memory of
everyone in high school laughing at you because you didn't
get pubes until you were 17.

But Chris@Knucklehead fired off a winner, and had me choking on my Cheerios with...

And then the little guys got drunk and played a game of Lilliputian Roulette.

Ha, ha, way to go Chris. You be hangin' with dufus! Congratulations my man.

Kudos to all who played along this week. I wish I could publish all the captions 'cause they were all so good. See everyone next Wednesday when you can take another shot at Pause Ponder and Pun.

Friday, 29 October 2010

Halloween Haute Couture

Hallow's eve is almost upon us. Have you got your costume yet? You don't know who to go as? Well, this is your lucky day. nonamedufus is happy to share with you some ideas for the costume-challenged among you.

Hugh Laurie

Is there a doctor in the House?

Cut your hair with a straight-edged razor, grow a three-day beard, swipe Uncle Gimpy's cane and don a T-shirt that's been sitting in the laundry for several weeks and you too could trick or treat as Dr. House. Who knows, maybe you too could attract a Dr. Cuddy, voted as having the best breasts in television.

Betty White

Women are from Venus, Betty's from Mars Bars

She's on Saturday Night Live, in every second television commercial, situation comedy and feature film this fall. She's everywhere. And now she could be trick or treating down your block. A white fright wig and an able walker are all you need to be the hit of Halloween this year. The popularity of this character's iffy as she may drop dead at any moment.

Justin Bieber

Pop's Canuck mop-top

Entirely up to you. If you're looking forward to having eggs pelted at you, go for it.

Keith Richards

"It's great to be here. It's great to be anywhere."

If you like to mumble, smoke ashes, and pretend you still know how to strum a guitar this costume's for you. An unbuttoned shirt, scarves and a head bandana are all that's required. Carrying a bottle of Jack Daniels while chain-smoking, stumbling down the street and flipping the bird are sure to enhance the impact of this character.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Asshole of evil.

Cut your hair with a straight-edged razor, grow a three-day beard...wait, didn't we do this one already? Shouting out such phrases as "Death to American infidels" and "I've got a nuclear reactor, nanny, nanny, boo-boo" is sure to separate you from the mere ghosts and goblins on your street. Caution: this costume only performs tricks and receives no treats.

This pumpkin-related post first appeared at The Parody Files.

Thursday, 28 October 2010

Toronto Officer's Rage Bubbles Over

There are pictures making the internet rounds these days in Canada that are at the centre of somewhat of a controversy. And, no I'm not talking about those pics of Brett Favre's junk. No, these are moving pictures.

This summer Canada hosted the G20 in *spits* Toronto. (You have to understand that here in Canada everybody's down on *spits* Toronto. They hate it how *spits* Toronto sees itself as not just the centre of the country but the centre of the friggin' universe.) Now the G20 is itself a lightening bolt of controversy for the amount of taxpayer's money spent on the event, to say nothing of the bill turned in to handle security costs alone of $1 billion.

These gatherings of world leaders have long ceased to attract the world's attention but do succeed in attracting every protesting apparatchik moron with a cause. Anti-war activists, unions, artists, environmentalists, anti-capitalists, students, pro-three-legged dog supporters - you name it, they were there.

The video I'm talking about has gone viral and the cop at the centre of this short-film feature is suing You Tube and various commenters.

Lawful "Bubbles"

The issue began when tough talking Toronto Police Constable Adam Josephs confronted the bubble-blowing latter-day flower child and university student Courtney Wilkens.

It'll be a day neither of them will soon forget thanks to some phone camera wielding You Tube ya-hoo.

Courtney was later quoted as saying, "It isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." Gosh, I think she might have been the illegitimate love-child of Joan Baez and Timothy Leary.

Awful "Bubbles"

But if Courtney is just a little left of Mahatma Gandhi, Officer Josephs, who since the incident has earned the nickname Officer Bubbles, might be a tad to the right of Attila the Hun.

This is what Canadians were spending $1 billion on. It's a good thing to know we're safe from soap bubbles. Gee, it's tough out there on the streets of *spits* Toronto...

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Driving Miss Pushing Up Daisies

Just when you think you've pretty much seen it all along comes a story that leaves you - in a word - dumbfounded.

I came across an article on msnbc's web site last week that made my jaw drop. Turns out a woman in Costa Mesa, California had been driving around in her car for TEN months with a dead woman in the passenger seat.

Police responded to a complaint that a car was blocking someone's driveway and when they arrived the first thing they noticed was the stench coming from the car. They broke the window to check it out and found the mummified body of a homeless woman - she sure was now - and a box of baking soda, which apparently wasn't masking the smell very well.

The woman who owned the car said she was scared to call police when she discovered the body and that she'd kinda gotten used to the smell.

I don't know. Why the heck would this woman drive around with a dead body in her car?

Did she want to take advantage of family night at the drive in?

This movie kills me!

Did she feel safer driving through dark neighbourhoods pretending there were two people in the car?

Did she like the fact the dead person didn't keep asking her to change the radio station?

Was it two-for-one night at the McDonald's drive-thru?

If she's not dead already, those Big Macs'll sure kill her.

I know. I know.

She got to drive in the commuter lane during rush hour!

Doesn't specify they both should be alive.

Police say they conducted tests to determine the identity of the woman.

While they're at it they should conduct some tests on the other woman's brain to determine whether or not she has one.

Monday, 25 October 2010

Keeping Abreast of Victoria Secret

Gentlemen, say hello to Adriana. She's modelling Victoria Secret's Bombshell Fantasy Bra. I think it worked. I'm shell-shocked.

Victoria Secret does this every year. To draw attention to their holiday collection - and they've certainly got my attention - they unveil a multi-million dollar jewel-encrusted over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder.

Ladies, this can be yours for only a cool $2 million. That's a deal. These special puppy catchers have come down in price since Gisele Bundchen (Tom Brady's better half, although my wife thinks his better half is his butt in football pants) bounced on the scene in a Red Hot Fantasy Bra and Panties that went for a cool $15,000,000. Oh, I might just have a picture of that.

But now I wonder just how many women would buy this stuff? It's an awful lot of money to pay for something that's going to be worn under their clothes. Then again, it seems to work for Adriana doesn't it? She doesn't wear it under her clothes. Oh, did I show you her picture?

She's pretty, huh? Looking at her just gives me an uplifting kind of feeling.

And, hey, if any woman wants to wear that Bombshell Bra in public, they've got my support!

Saturday, 23 October 2010

Pause Ponder and Police

There were some excellent captions this week and that's...the naked truth! You guys are on a streak in terms of bringing the funny week after week. Let's see if we can wrap this up...

At least he kept his socks on.

I can finally scratch off item #83 from my bucket list... 
Tomorrow item #91 "wake up in jail" can also be scratched out!

The officers misunderstood when Jonathan said he was hung like a battering ram.

The man in the black jacket walking behind thinking: 
"I wonder if he's had a Brazilian wax lately, so smooth and tight."

But I kinda got carried away with the caption from newcomer Skeeter over at Dead Dog...

New mascot - FAIL!

Okay Skeeter, way to go guy. You be hangin' with the dufus! Pretty exciting stuff, huh? Here's your badge. Hey these two pictures are kinda similar. least I kept MY clothes on.

Thanks everyone for playing along this week. See you Wednesday for our next Pause Ponder and Pun.

Oh, hey, guys. Know who this is?

It's 00dozo from When I Reach and she's the big winner and newest member of the Bloggerhood Of The Traveling Book. She answered our skill testing question yesterday about what Steig Larsson's The Girl... trilogy was called. The answer: The Millenium Series. Congrats, dozo. I'll drop The Girl Who Played With Fire in the mail at the beginning of the week. You're gonna love it.

So many winners this week! I guess my work here is done.

Friday, 22 October 2010

The Bloggerhood Of The Traveling Book Revisited

Okay, so listen up. Three weeks ago I told you how I came by the book The Girl Who Played With Fire. Well, actually, if you clicked on the link you'll see I sang it to you. Wait, wait, wait, I'm not gonna sing again.

I'm quite proud of myself. I had really slipped in my reading and there are books piling up around here. They make for expensive doorstoppers. But since I spoke on this subject with you last, I've read three books. I was reading The Given Day by Dennis Lehane, author of Mystic River and Shutter Island. It was tough slogging, but an excellent read. But when Cat Lady - oh to hell with formalities - Boom Boom Larew chose me as the next blogger of the Bloggerhood of the Traveling Book, not only did I have to zip through Lehane but I had to buy the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, the first in this trilogy, in order prepare myself for book II.

Well, three weeks later I'm happy to say I've read all three books and am now anxious to read the third in the Stieg Larsson series The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest.

That being said, I'm ready to pass on The Girl Who Played With Fire to an interested blogger. This is a great book. You just won't want to put it down. Just answer this skill testing question:

What "series" is this trilogy often referred to as?

The first commenter with the right answer wins and will join Unfinished Rambler/Person, Quirkyloon,  Boom Boom and me as a card-carrying member of the Bloggerhood Of The Traveling Book.

I'll announce our winner tomorrow and, once they've e-mailed me their mailing address, will send it to them - at my expense! Aren't I a swell guy? Well, that's just how I roll.

Now, does anyone out there want to send me The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest?

Thursday, 21 October 2010

Say What? #4

Every once in a while I'll share with folks "verification" words I find mildly amusing. You know those words that some bloggers use to avoid spambots and ensure you're a real person leaving a comment. If you're interested in the history of this endeavour and in previous dufus definitions just click on the label below. Ready? Here we go...
God's angel inventory

Uncle Sayo's wife

A guy really into cars

Bo knows sports...and this is what he does with deodorant

Moms I'd like to learn something from
(oh yeah like you can do better)

What you ask when you phone your friend whabil and his mother answers.

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Pause Ponder and Pun #56


You know what to do.

Leave your captions.

I'll do my best to strip them down to a winning entry Saturday.

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

In The Lap Of Luxury

Boy talk about good fortune falling into your lap...literally.

Some guy in Palm Beach Florida was out for an evening with the boys at a strip club. He ordered a lap dance. One thing led to another and he got the heel of the woman's shoe in his eye. He sued. He's been awarded $650,000!

You've got to ask yourself a couple of questions. First up, how does a guy getting a lap dance get a shoe in the eye?


A table dance, maybe.


It must have been a pretty elaborate lap dance. Usually guys have their eyes elsewhere, other than the lady's feet.


So, like, maybe the guy didn't like lap dances and was standing on his head to see if it'd help if he looked at things from a different angle.  


Do you think she'd bump and grind her heel into his eye?


How was it he came into contact with the sole (pun intended) article of clothing this woman was probably wearing.


Maybe the guy told the stripper "I've got my eye on you".


Maybe she told him "I think you're gonna get a kick out of this".


And when he was awarded his settlement in court did the media headline this story "The thrill of lap dancing, the agony of da feet"?


All I can say is man, why didn't I think of that instead of wasting $10 a week on lottery tickets.

Monday, 18 October 2010

Abbas Threatens Success Of Mid-East Peace Talks

Nothing Else Can Save Them SOS

by nonamedufus
SIRTE, LIBYA (nonamedufusnews) - The Palestinians, backed by Arab powers say they will withdraw from the latest round of middle east peace talks if Abbas is allowed to reform.

It would appear Arab diplomats are taking a hard line having heard rumours that the Swedish pop quartet might be getting back together. "Mama Mia" said Philip J. Supertrooper, U.S. assistant secretary of state for public affairs. "We will continue to work with the parties to advance negotiations. That's the name of the game here."

Threat to mid-east peace and music lovers everywhere

But the American attempt at diplomacy had little impact on Arab diplomats. "Listen, our Abbas has been around a lot longer than those shitty Swedish songsters" said the other Abbas spokesman Nabil Abu Dancingqueen.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu couldn't bring himself to agree with the Palestinian position. "Knowing me, knowing you" he said "I think Abbas is about to meet his Waterloo. I love the other Abbas, the singing Abbas. Although if they reunited I'm sure it would be for the money, money, money."

For her part, and speaking on behalf of Anni-Frid "Frida" Lyngstad, Agnetha Faitskog indicated she was pleased to hear of Netanyahu's support. "If we can interrupt Bjorn and Benny from counting their money and convince them to take a chance on me then the winner takes it all, know what we mean?"

Would you take a chance on him?

"I have a dream" said Abbas. "And that's a reunited homeland not a reunited Swedish pop group. This is all so confusing. Why didn't they call themselves by some other palindromic name like kayak or racecar or straw warts?"

This post originally perturbed music lovers at The Parody Files.
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