Wednesday, 29 September 2010

This Poem's A Bit Of A Stretch

When my wife is really tired
She likes to bitch and kvetch
Then she'll take a big, deep breath
And her arms and legs she'll stretch.

Me? I may be at a baseball game
In the middle of the 7th inning
I sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game"
No matter who is winning

Or it may be while I'm driving
I'll give the wheel a tug
And pull over to the road side
And stretch, there in my Bug.

I'm not the only one who does this
It's done by cats and dogs
You may be surprised to learn
It's even done by frogs.

But there's one kind of stretching
That I think is simply wrong
It makes me think I'd hate to be
The latest version of Stretch Armstrong.

Well, if you haven't guessed by now, the prompt was "stretch" over at Theme Thursday this week. 

Pause Ponder and Pun #53

Did you ever notice that the practice of civil debate is a lost art?


That's my view anyway.

What's yours?

Leave your caption and I'll fight my way through them before Saturday and declare a winner.

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

I Want To Believe

The truth may really be out there.

by nonamedufus

NEW YORK (NND News) - The United Nations is about to appoint a space ambassador. nonamedufus news had learned that in an apparent snub of Mulder and Scully the UN will go to the head of their little- known Office For Outer Space Affairs Doctor Mazlan Othman.

NASA scientist Chuck A. Moon says the whole idea is out of this world. "You're telling me Othman is the closest thing we have to a 'take me to your leader' person? She better taste good or like kinky sex, or else we could be in a war of the worlds," stated Moon.

The NASA geek felt other candidates should have been considered. "Edward James Olmos, Leonard Nimoy or even B-9 the robot from Lost in Space all have more experience than some Malaysian astrophysicist."

"Space Ambassador Othman? Does not compute."

Opinion is obviously divided on how earth-visiting aliens should be greeted. Doctor Othman believes in taking a tolerant approach. Meanwhile Professor Stephen Hawking, theoretical physicist and wheelchair cosmologist, urges a cautious approach. "This is like Christopher Columbus discovering North America. We all know how that went for Native Americans."

When asked her opinion of aliens from the cosmos landing on earth, unsuccessful space ambassadorial candidate Sarah Palin said, "I see nothing wrong with putting them on the cover of Cosmo. I read it all the time."

Space Ambassador or spaced-out?

And when questioned who he'd like to see in the role of the outer space diplomat NASA's Moon said, "Why, Glenn Beck, of course. There's a man who can put the ass back in ambassador!"

Monday, 27 September 2010

What A Week With Whitey

Last week I headed west to Toronto for a visit with my brother. Fooled ya, eh? All the while you thought I was here. Well, through the magic of post-dated posting I was able to schedule my posts and toodle off to see Whitey.  You guys remember Whitey?

Toronto's CN Tower: flippin' the bird to the rest of the country.

It was a great week. Real quality time. I helped him paint a bedroom in his house. Not unlike Picasso, he's going through his blue period. In return he was kind enough to feed me. For example, a couple of days he fixed his own special breakfast recipe Eggs Florenjim. (That's a pun. What? Like you haven't come to expect them around here?) You see his name's really Jim and he fixed Eggs Florentine, or as we agreed to call it with his special hollandaise sauce "Heart Attack On A Plate".  It was the fortification we needed to pick up those paint brushes and rollers. And each day, after a day of painting, at some point between 3 and 4 o'clock, we adjourned to his backyard for cocktail hour. Then as the new television season unfolded in the evening we'd (okay, me) fall asleep in front of the TV.

But Thursday was different. Thursday afternoon we'd set aside to see a baseball game at Rogers Centre, or if we go back to when it didn't have a corporate sponsor, the Sky Dome. With the regular season dwindling down the Seattle Mariners were in town to take on the Jays. Both teams are out of the playoffs, and in the basement of their respective divisions. But there's nothing more fun than a baseball game on a sunny fall afternoon.

Sky Dome roof was open. There's that damn tower again.

Who would have thought the game would have been so memorable. First, we bought our tickets from a scalper. Yeah we do our part to support the economy...the underground economy. And what seats. Second row along the third base line near the dug out.

The grounds crew and mascot "stand on guard for thee"

In between ducking the line-drive foul balls hit our way, we watched Jay slugger Jose Bautista hit his 50th home run, a team record. I think he reached the team record at 47 but like Whitey says 50 is such a nice round number. And nice of him to do it while we were there. And to let me take his picture on my cheap little camera phone.

Bautista rounds third base on his way home.

If that weren't enough Mariner Ichiro Suzuki got his 200th season hit. This makes it 10 seasons in a row he's attained that remarkable stat.

Bautista hit his homer in the first inning and it proved to be the winning run. With only 2 hits the Jays won 1-0.

With the game over by 3:30 and nothing else to do Whitey and I returned home and retreated to his backyard to partake in our last cocktail hour. What a great ending to a great week. Thanks, Whitey!

I think our cocktails are gonna take more than an hour.

Saturday, 25 September 2010

Pause Ponder and Badges

OK, here's what my caption to this week's pic would have been...

Treasure of The Sierra Madre. A classic with Humphrey Bogart. I love this line!

Speaking of classics, there were many in our captions this week. It was really tough to choose one over the other.

For example, Whitey - you guys all remember Whitey, my brother - shot me with...

Thirty some years later, The Jackson's are No. 1 with a bullet again.

My pal Quirkyloon took it out of the holster this week and gave us...

Post Apocalyptic group, Earth, Wind and Gunfire hits number one song: We Are The World!

Recent winner Renal Failure pistol-whipped us with...

What Glenn Beck sees whenever President Obama is on TV

And Chris, our favourite Knucklehead rifled around a little before coming up with...

Ladies and Gentlemen, YOUR BOSTON CELTICS!

But the satirist of St. Catherines, Ontario Frank Lee Meidere blasted both barrels with his winning round...

Directing under the name Isaac Washington (his iconic bartender character in "The Love Boat") Ted Lange has just released his cinematic reboot of "The Mod Squad."

Way to go Frank, you crazy Canuck. You be hangin' with dufus this week. And you get my stinkin' badges!

And congratulations and thanks to all who played. You're real "tough guys" from which to pick a winner. (Awkward, but it didn't end in a preposition!) 

Friday, 24 September 2010

Palin Drones

As Willie Nelson might say I'm on the road again. After a week in Toronto, I'm on my way home to Aylmer.  So I've pulled a recent post from my political satire blog to share with you instead today...

She’s at it again.  In a display of why she should continue to write words on the palms of her hands, Sarah Palin tweeted this week about the issue of building a mosque within a stone’s throw of New York’s Ground Zero.

The social media maverick tweeted to her followers that Muslims should “refudiate” the initiative.

Now this comes as a shock.  When Katie Couric, in the now famous interview during her stint as soccer-mom running mate to John McCain, asked Palin what newspapers and news magazines she read, Palin replied: “All of them.” Uh-huh.

Who knew Palin was a distant relative of Mrs. Malaprop.  Then again, she does come from the same political party as George W. “misunderestimate” Bush.

In a subsequent tweet she likened herself to the great bard William Shakespeare.

“Refudiate, misunderestimate, wee-wee’d up.  English is a living language.  Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it”!

Methinks with that comment Shakespeare, who composed many, many plays and verses, would be decomposing in his grave.

But too late.  Palin, an author herself, already intends to rewrite some of the master’s literary works.

For example, she intends to write a play about the American press – The Taming of the Gotcha Media

She has some thoughts for a play about her daughter’s on-again, off-again engagement – Love’s Labour’s Lost Levi Found Then Lost.

And a verse about her daughter’s former fiance is planned – King Leer.

A story about her love of hunting Alaskan caribou will be titled The Winter’s Tail.

An account of her run for the presidency, under campaign Queen Julie Buysvotes is set as Julie, Us Seize ‘er.

A play about her predisposition to the drilling industry will be titled Oil’s Well That Ends Well.

And she’ll publish her thoughts on former Republican president Nixon in Richard the Turd.

There’s no word if Palin will pen an account after the 2012 election should she lose.  Industry insiders speculate that volume might best be titled The Comedy of Errors.

Shakespeare's plays. He's read them all.

This post originally appeared at Slings And Arrows in July 2010

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

This Is Revealing

The prompt over at Theme Thursday this week, or last week I guess*, is "reveal.

Well I guess, for some strange reason, the first thing that comes to my mind is a woman in a revealing dress. If you're upset by the gratuitous use of pictures of scantily clad women, I'm sorry. I guess it just reveals I'm a guy.

This is Shauna Sands. Now given the way she's dressed some might say she's not all there. Then again others might say it's evident she is all there.

Shauna was a Playboy playmate apparently and used to be married to Lorenzo Lamas, the son of actor Fernando Lamas. Now, there's some revealing facts.

Also when I think of "reveal" I think of the excellent movie The Prestige with Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale. It's a film about competing magicians who each try to outdo the other. In the movie we learn that the three parts of a magic trick are "the pledge, the turn and the prestige". The prestige is in effect revealing the illusion. Indeed the movie unfolds in the same way with somewhat of a surprise ending. I won't reveal the outcome. But I will recommend you rent this movie. What I can reveal is that David Bowie played a small role in the movie.

While I'm on the subject of movies, I also think of the Wizard Of Oz. Why? I remember, as a kid, being just as disappointed as Dorothy, the Lion, the Tin Man and the Scarecrow must have been when the little dog Toto pulled back the curtain to reveal an old man pulling the levers and knobs that operated the so-called Wizard of Oz. "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain" he bellowed. But to no effect. The illusion had been dashed, the trick had been revealed.

*Theme Thursday has altered it's approach. Instead of issuing it's weekly prompt on Sunday for participants to post the following Thursday they now "reveal" their prompt on Thursday and invite participants to post any day of the week. Since I'm used to participating Thursday, and you're used to reading it then, I've decided to continue posting Thursday, thus retaining the integrity of the title "Theme Thursday".

Pause Ponder and Pun #52

These brothers got it.

I'm not sure what exactly.

But if you think you know leave me a caption.

We'll re-load Saturday .

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Beyond Left Field

It's a beautiful day in the neighbourhood. *whistles*

Hey folks, if you're looking for me I'm visiting with my good buddy Don at Beyond Left Field. He's asked me to do a guest post gig over there today and how could I turn a good 'ol boy down.

If you don't know Don, let me tell you a little bit about him. If you do know Don, take this with a grain of salt.

I'm not sure why he calls his blog Beyond Left Field 'cause if anything he's just a little right of Attila the Hun.

He lives in Hattiesville, Mississippi where he hangs out with Brett Favre, or his wife, I can't remember which.

He has a sickly room-mate who he's always chauffeuring around to the drug store, the hospital, the doctor's, where America shops - oh anywhere - without one word of complaint.

He's a believer in the institution of marriage but his three ex-wives might disagree on that point.

And he's quite the lady's man, which is why he's living the life of George Clooney.

Oh, yeah, he doesn't go anywhere without his glock.

Don's a funny, funny guy. I visit him every day for a laugh. Well I don't laugh at him. I laugh at his posts. Well, at least that's what I tell him.

And he visits here everyday and leaves some of the funniest comments on my blog.

Here's a picture of Don.

What a cool guy eh ladies.

And here's a picture of his glock.

I suppose some ladies will like Don because he has a big glock.

That aside, drop on over to Don's place today where I'm gonna give you the straight goods - the naked truth, you might say.

Monday, 20 September 2010

First Femmes Fatales

Oh my! It's been revealed that American First Lady Michelle Obama may not be all too happy with her lot in life at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. According to an unauthorized biography of French First Lady - would that be premiere madam? - Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, Obama told her that life was hell in the White House. "I can't stand it," she reputedly said.

Both the White House and the French government are denying the remarks. The French Embassy says Ms Bruni-Sarkozy is distancing herself from the biography.

What's Mick Jagger really like?

It was just earlier this year that the French First Lady and her husband of a couple of years were in the news for each allegedly having affairs. This story too was vehemently denied.

I'm not sure if these stories are spread by media outlets after salacious stories and the facts be damned or by political rivals who would like nothing better than to see the downfall of current government leaders.

Or the stories may be true. After all, living in the White House drove Betty Ford to drink. And we all know where it drove Bill Clinton.

Here in Canada, the pecadilloes of politicians and their wives, if any, are seldom reported. Gosh we'd have to go back to the 70s when Prime Minister Trudeau's wife Margaret flew off to New York to dance the night away at Studio 54 with the Rolling Stones. (Hmm, Mick Jagger, eh? In this regard Carla Bruni may have more in common with Margaret Trudeau than Michelle Obama!)

I'm not saying things like this haven't happened since. Just, if these things have happened, the Canadian political media fails to report it.

And I'm not so sure I mind that. I'm of the view that if it isn't criminal what they do in their private life is their to speak. But what they do in public life better be above board because the people who voted for them expect it of them.

Sunday, 19 September 2010

Talk Like A Pirate Day/Sunday Funnies

Well today is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. ARRR you having fun yet? Pirates are quite unique. Who else do you know goes around wearing an eye patch, a hook for a hand, and a peg-leg. Oh, I've just described your next door neighbour? Oh, well.

Q. If a pirate's used to bounding over the seas in a pirate ship how does he travel across the country?
A. Why he drives a cARRR or hops on an ARRRplane just like the rest of us.

Q. What's a modern pirate's favourite musical group?
A. ARRRcade Fire

Q. Do pirates have false teeth?
A. No they just have a pARRRtial plate.

Q. Do pirates prefer MacDonald's or Burger King?
A. Neither. They go to ARRRby's, stupid.

Q. Why are pirates peg-legs made of wood?
A. Because they're all ARRRborists.

Q. That explains the raw materials but how are they designed?
A. They're also ARRRchitects!

Q. Do pirates go to bed early or do they like to stay out late?
A. Silly, pirates love to pARRRty.

Q. If the Village People sing "In the Navy" what do pirate people sing?
A. "In the ARRRmy.

Q. Do pirates work very hard at their profession?
A. ARRRdently!

We now return you to our regularly scheduled program, already in progress...

Saturday, 18 September 2010

Pause Ponder and Sumo Wrestlers On Horseback

This was an odd pic but we had some great captions this week. Not to say we don't every week, but this week's captions were sumothing else!

Moooooog bowed in with...

The race was too close to call when, suddenly and without warning, Kato ate his horse.

00dozo got a leg up with...

As a demonstration sport for the 2016 Olympics. here we have the new combined event of steeplechase for sushi. 

Last week's winner Renal Failure wrestled with his entry...

Nakamura prepares to activate his wasabi-powered nitro booster. Seven horses and their jockeys will die instantly.

And KABLOOEY threw her weight around with...

When the Oshima stable recruited the dim-witted, yet enthusiastic new sumo trainee, it didn't occur to the hefty lad that he'd wandered into the wrong type of stable. Poor Akinori is about to massively lose face when he discovers his mistake.

But it was Jeremy from We Took The Bait who forced all his opponents out of the ring with.

Somewhere, there's a 90 pound guy preparing to wrestle someone four times his size.

Way to go Jeremy! You be hangin' with the dufus this week. Congratulations.

Speaking of hangin', hey folks, don't forget I'll be hangin' out here next Tuesday...

Don's asked me to sit in for him and salute some morons, so be sure and stop by. Oh, I'm not insinuating you're a moron. Uh, not that there's anything wrong with that. No, ah, Don writes about morons. Yeah that's the ticket. And wait till you see the moron I've come up with. Now, I know some of you folks can't read without moving your lips, so I'll remind you again next week.

Friday, 17 September 2010

Terry Jones Has New Target

Your roving investigative reporter nonamedufus has learned that Terry Jones, who threatened last week to burn the Koran, inflaming - so to speak - an international uproar, has set his sights on a new target.

Koran Cuckoo

The former nincompoop nobody, in an attempt at a full half-hour of fame, exclusively told nonamedufus of his plans. "Christians are being persecuted by them. They're attempting to influence Americans and gain acceptance as an extremist force in this country", said Pastor Jones. "My congregation - those that are left after last week's little flame fiasco - and I are dead set against letting them overrun us, taking over our society and leading us into damnation."

When asked why he was continuing to persecute Muslims, Jones replied, "Muslims? Are you nuts, man? I'm talking about something much worse: those screaming tween twit fans of that infidel Justin Bieber!"

Satan's Singing Spawn?

Jones says he plans to burn Bieber records. "I haven't heard them but I know Bieber is of the devil. We're going to put a torch to that little Canuck crooner's catalogue. It's time to usher in a new order."

Jones said if need be he'd call on other members of his former comedy troupe to assist him. "Of course Chapman's dead, but Idle, Cleese and Palin aren't up to anything else right now. I'm sure my fellow Pythoners will pitch in." And he aded, "People think this Dove congregation's dead. No it's not. It's just sleeping."

No one expects the Bieber inquisition.

Unlike the reaction to his plan to burn the Koran, Christians and Muslims alike rejoiced around the world.

This post appeared originally at my home away from home The Parody Files.

Thursday, 16 September 2010

Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves

Well tramps anyway, to say the least. At 64, Cher, you can not turn back time. The one-named former singer and gay icon showed up at last weekend's MTV Awards having left half her clothes at home. Her costume was a throwback to a controversial 1989 video.

I'm not so sure Cher's aging gracefully. And there's quite a bit of her exposed there for me to make that assertion.

I'll bet she was cold. I know I got the shivers just looking at her. I wonder if she's bankrupt...spending what she did on all that plastic surgery. I wouldn't get too close to her. She may go at any minute. When that tightly stretched skin starts to give you had better stand back!

You know things just haven't been the same since she split with Sonny. And we know how long ago that was. Cher made a reference to her age at the MTV ceremony, telling the audience she had shoes older than most of the nominees. Well, all I can say is she must have been well-heeled to dress up like that. Although, I'm sure she'd have no problems flagging down a cab.

I don't know about you but I think that outfit is a "little behind" the times.
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