Monday, 31 May 2010

A Change Of Pace?

Before today's business, a correction.  Last Monday was Victoria Day in Canada and for some reason I got it into my head that it was also Memorial Day in the States.  Of course today is Memorial Day.  My apologies.  





Although, if I think of those veterans who gave their lives in the name of freedom two weeks in a row I guess there's nothing wrong with that.  Now on with the show...

***



Canada's Minister of Finance was thinking out loud the other day.  Which tells us Canadians he can be a thoughtful person.  Who knew?  He was ruminating on the future of the Canadian penny.  Yeah that's right, the bane of my tailor's existence - the guy that has to sew my damaged pockets because I carry too much change around.

Jim Flaherty says Canadians hoard pennies.  Well, yeah.  For most of us we keep them in jars at home rather than our pockets or purses.

Apparently there are about 30 billion pennies in circulation in Canada but the Royal Canadian Mint has to put about 500 million new pennies into circulation each year - at a cost of 1.5 cents each - because so many end up in those jars, or in fountains, or down between the sofa cushions.

Now I for one am in favour of less change in my pocket: pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, loonies and toonies.

But there are two sides to this coin, er, ah, controversy.  I don't know if anyone else has thought of this but getting rid of the penny will change our entire culture.



It'll no longer be "a penny for your thoughts".  It might be a loonie, and who's to say your thoughts are worth that much.  Besides, at that price who can afford to know!

And fewer people will be able to get "in" now.  It'll likely be "in for a toonie, in for a pound."  Sheesh, I think I preferred owing a cent rather than two bucks.

And what will "it" be worth now?  It used to be worth every penny.  With inflation it's probably "worth every quarter" now.

And if a penny saved was a penny earned, what will it be now, if it's discontinued, worthless?

Penny wise was often pound foolish.  Now it would be just stupid to be wise about something that doesn't exist.

At least now a bad penny will never come back.

Remember penny candy from when we were kids?  No?  Well maybe it's been awhile since I loaded up at the confectionary on penny candy.  It must be at least a dime by now.

What will those discount long-distance companies do? They won't be able to advertise their services anymore for "just pennies a day".

Oh my God.  How will Wal-Mart be able to roll back their prices?

Shoe makers will be in big trouble.  They'll have to shelve all their penny loafers.

For those that play the market, it'll be more expensive.  No more penny stocks.

Maybe every time it rains it'll rain quarters from heaven.

Somehow bad-boy rapper 50cent just won't sound so bad as 50nickel.

And, perhaps, worst of all, I'll just never listen to the Beatles' Penny Lane in the same way!  It's been 43 years since Paul McCartney penned that tune.  By now it must be at least Dollar Drive.

Saturday, 29 May 2010

Pause Ponder and Plow

Ha, ha, I love playing around with the title of this post every week.  Anywho, down to business.  My brow was furrowed because we had some great submissions this week.

For example, Moooooog was outstanding in his field with...

It never ceases to amaze me what you can buy at Walmart


Don from Beyond Left Field cropped up with...

Hey dear!?  Get off my Deer!  It's going flat!


And Malisa's corny response got me chuckling with...

Billy Bob really knows how to haul ass!



Special mention goes to Skye for having a comment as big as a barn door...

Now that thar is mai brotha Bubba, and hiz wiyfe (mai Sista) Charlene.  You see that cow's head on the front of the John Deer tracta cum trike?  Well Bubba dun did wrestle that critter to the ground and strangled him dead with his bare hands!  Now that thar cow scull is one fancy trophy, so you be mindin' your p's and q's in regards as to what you say, hear?


But it was Leeuna over at My Mind Wandered...and never came back who planted the winner.  I think she could sell this to the tractor manufacturer as their next marketing motto...

  "Nothing fits her rear like a John Deere."

Congrats, Leeuna, you be hangin' with the dufus!  I'll warm up the tractor and pick you up at 8!



And congrats to everyone else for their high standard of captioning.  I look forward to seeing everyone again next Wednesday for another edition of Pause, Ponder and Pun

Friday, 28 May 2010

Did He Wish He Was An Oscar Mayer Wiener?


There was an odd story out of Danvers Massachusetts last week about a guy you might say threw himself into his work.
A cleaning man had to be rescued after he was sucked into a machine at a sausage making company.  The guy was cleaning the vacuum-type machine that is used to season meat.  Now isn’t that odd?  Shouldn’t the machine work the other way.  How can it season the meat if it sucks.  Wouldn’t it work better if it blew the seasoning onto the meat.  Oh, well.  I don’t pretend to know the inner workings of a sausage-making factory any more than I know the inner contents of a sausage.

Stop showing off!
Local police reported the guy’s head and shoulders got stuck in the machine after it somehow turned itself on while being cleaned.  Man, that’s some vacuum.  It’d give Dyson a run for it’s money.
You know, I’d say the incident gives new meaning to getting “sucked in” – as well as to “seasoned worker”.
Reminds me of the story of the guy who worked at a meat factory and accidentally backed into the meat grinder.  Yeah, he got a little behind in his work!
This post originally appeared on The Parody Files blog.

Thursday, 27 May 2010

Wrinkle

Over at Theme Thursday this week's topic is "wrinkle". As I surfed around looking for something I might write about I stumbled across a song on You Tube called "Wrinkle" by - wonder of wonders - a group called dufus!


The group is the brainchild of Seth Faergolzia and has been kicking around since 1997, based out of New York. Other than Seth, who sometimes tours as a solo act, the group has a revolving door of members. The band's website can be found here.

Imagine me, nonamedufus, only now discovering the existence of this band. And they're pretty cool, as this video demonstrates.  Wrinkle is from the 2004 dufus CD Ball of Design.

Enjoy fellow Theme Thursdayers!  Oh and don't forget to drop by Theme Thursday to see how other bloggers have covered off this week's theme.


Wednesday, 26 May 2010

Pause Ponder and Pun

Welcome back to nonamedufus's weekly caption contest.  I know it's been a while, but we're back and raring to go!  Here's this week's pic...


Leave your caption in the comments and truck on back here Saturday when we'll plow through the submissions and choose a winner.

See ya then!

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

Tennis Players Can Be Cheeky



Boy, fashion has sure changed on the tennis courts over the years.  At the French Open on the weekend, spectators took a special interest in a match involving Venus Williams and not simply because of the second seed's mastery of the game.  They had their eyes glued to her, um, wardrobe.


Turning tennis into Les Folies Bergere

Not your Venus In Blue Jeans!

But you have to admire Ms Williams.  If she loses a point she just turns the other cheek.

Monday, 24 May 2010

Lies and the Lying Bloggers Who Tell Them

There's a saying that goes, "When I was a little boy, they called me a liar, but now that I am grown up, they call me a writer."

Leeuna, a very funny blogger at My Mind Wandered - and it never came back, and regular commenter here at nonamedufus has given me an award that reflects that saying.  Look at what it's called:


I don't know who the heck Lesa is.  I guess she started the award.  And she must have dreamed up the meme that goes with it.  Thanks.  I like memes about as much as a coffee enema.

It goes like this:
- thank the person who gave you the award
- copy the logo and place it on your blog
- link to the person who nominated you
- tell up to six outrageous lies about yourself and at least one outrageous truth, or vice-versa
- nominate seven "creative" writers
- post links to the blogs you nominate
- leave a comment on each blog letting them know they've won the award

Here are the lies/truths:

1. I once participated in the running of the bulls.  It was 1983 and five guys spent the evening in a bar trying to top each other with tall tales.  The more we drank the faster the bull ran.

2. My brother pushed me off the Eiffel Tower.  It happened in our backyard and "I fell" two feet off an overturned garbage can.

3. I love rock and roll, so put another dime in the jukebox, baby

4. I am Canadian, but I drink Mexican beer.

5.  The most interesting man in the world is a personal friend of mine, and he gets me my beer cheap.

6.  The most interesting woman in the world is my wife. (hubba-hubba, woo-hoo, know what I mean, wink, wink)

7. I'm a Tea Party fan.  I think that part of Alice in Wonderland is just hilarious.


Okay, now the seven "creative" writers. (Gee, somebody sure had a thing for 7s.)

Don at Beyond Left Field because this grumpy curmudgeon never fails to make me laugh

CL at How to Become a Cat Lady...Without The Cats because she's a terrific and humorous writer whom I really enjoy reading.

Frank Lee Meidere at I Don't Give a Damn because he doesn't.  But he's a thoughtful writer and great humourist - and he's Canadian!

My pal Quirks at Quirkyloon because she's one of my longest running fans and commenters.  I love her "slice of life" posts.  She makes me laugh every day.

Da Old Man at Crochety Old Man Yells at Cars just for surviving.  He's a funny guy but the poor fella's been in the hospital for nearly a year.  But he's got spunk as he continues to post about life among the cute nurses.  Get well soon, DOM.

Chris at Knucklehead because he's funny and his posts are extremely well written.  I don't know how he finds the time.  He's a full-time school principal.  But I'm glad he shares his thoughts with us.

And, finally, 00dozo at When I Reach.  She's a transplanted Canadian living in the Bahamas (life is tough, I know).  She's fairly new to the blogging business but she's funny and I like her and her stuff.

There are others, both active or currently on hiatus, or that have previously won this award, that are favourites of mine but, hey, I can only list 7.

Happy Memorial Day or Victoria Day folks, depending upon which side of the border you live.  And give these guys a visit.  They're very funny people.  Oh, yeah, and thanks Leeuna for the award.  I'll think of you during my next coffee enema!

Friday, 21 May 2010

Sunshine of Your Love

I won an award - two actually.  Frank Lee MieDere at I Don't Give A Damn gave me a Sunshine Award May 10th in his post Is this irony? Or What?  (I guess Frank gives a damn after all!)


Then on May 17 00dozo at When I Reach also gave me a Sunshine Award in her post  But, Why Me?? I'm Just a Lowly Rookie!






Both of these blogger buddies said they admired me for keeping my sense of humour throughout my recent medical malady (that cancer treatment thingy).  


You may have noticed I was away for close to a month.  Yep.  But I'm back and things are getting better everyday.  I'm writing a couple of posts a week down, certainly, from my post a day.  So in the coming months my output will be down from what it used to be and I may cut back on the number of blogs I maintain.  We'll see.


I want to thank everyone for their e-mails, Tweets, Facebook messages and comments on my blog both before my procedure and after.  Some were very funny, others expressed concern, all were heartfelt and much appreciated.


And thanks to Frank and 00dozo for their sweet awards - thanks guys.


Now these awards come with certain conditions but screw that, I'm falling back on not being at full strength and thus am unable to carry those conditions out.


Instead, to all my loyal readers, commenters and drive-bys, I'm sending this out to you!





Thursday, 20 May 2010

The High Cost of Swearing

Did you grow up in a family, or know someone who did, with a Swear Jar?  The concept was every time a family member cursed he or she had to put a dollar in the jar.  The jar served two purposes.  It supposedly cut down on swearing in the house and the proceeds usually went toward a weekly family take-out meal like a pizza or such.

Well times have changed.  In Pennsylvania, if you swear in public you are ticketed.  If proven guilty you can be fined up to $300 (that'd be some pizza party) or jailed.  I kid you not.  Geez, a small fortune could be made at Philadelphia Flyers games - just ticketing the players!

One woman was given a citation that carries a maximum penalty of $300 and 90 days in jail after she swore at a motorcyclist who cut her off.  In another case a man was arrested and jailed for several days after swearing at a policeman giving him a parking ticket. Come on, we've all done that!  Well, maybe not to his face.

Virtue, Liberty and Watch Your Mouth!

But fear not profane citizens of Pennsylvania, the American Civil Liberties Union is on your side.  The ACLU is suing the Pennsylvania police, arguing that the right to use profanity is protected by the U.S. Constitution.  Huh!

And they've been getting clients off because there's a difference between profanity and obscenity.  I guess if you drop your pants and moon someone, that might be a different matter.  But the ACLU has taken advantage of this crack in the law to get their clients off.

Shit, where was the ACLU when I was a kid?

This post first appeared on The Parody Files

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

She's Too Fat For Me

Remember the Too Fat Polka?  It went like this...

Oh, I don't want her, you can have her 
She's too fat for me 
She's too fat for me 
She's too fat for me 
I don't want her, you can have her, 
She's too fat for me 
She's too fat 
She's too fat 
She's too fat for me

Well what goes around comes around.  And when I say around I really mean AROUND.



Ever wonder why the majority of Americans are overweight?  No?  Well, there are enough signs out there.

For example, Michelle Obama has adopted every obese child in the nation to take under her wing and convince them to eat better.  Although I doubt the West Wing is big enough to hold them all.

Times are sad when one of the most popular shows on TV is "The Biggest Loser".  Now who ever came up with the idea of putting a bunch of 300 plus pounders together "workin it" for the rest of the world to see.  That's not too much information, that's too much cellulite.  Never thought I'd say this, but bring back Sweatin' To The Oldies.



And the hamburger companies aren't helping.  Every second ad on TV these days is about some super sized, multi-pound, bacon-topped (okay there's nothing wrong with that ingredient), cheese-added gargantuan slab of hamburger.  McDonald's, who once prided themselves on their "healthy" menu of salads and such now advertises a three-quarter pound burger.  Where's the beef?  In your ever expanding belly!

It's no wonder the Canadian and American Army brass decided to remove Tim Horton's and Burger King from their Afghan bases.  They say an army runs on it's stomach.  It was getting to the point these armies couldn't run!

Wait a minute.  I think I may have stumbled upon something.  Wait a minute. Why not transfer these fast-food outfits to the Taliban, wait a few months, and...I'm lovin' it!

This post appeared at Sound Off To America earlier this week.

Thursday, 13 May 2010

I Pooped In A Hat

It's been a long haul.

Let's see - a week of radiation followed by a stem cell transplant.

Two weeks in the hospital.

Almost two weeks home now.

Whew!

You know, the radiation treatments were two hours a session, twice a day, for four days. I was in and out of that claustrophobia-inducing gadget more than a drunken rabbit on a viagra overdose.

Machine with which I had an intimate relationship.

Then I was admitted to the hospital because I had a fever. The doctors were worried about infection. Little did I know I'd be there for two weeks.

Too much time in a hospital can play tricks on your mind. For example, I kept wanting to call the disembodied voice at the other end of the call-button "Base Commander". Must have been the drugs - or that I'd loaded up on several seasons of Battlestar Galactica before my stay. I resisted the urge.

And I loved it when the nurse would come around at 11pm after I'd fallen into a deep sleep at 8pm to tell me "Time to wake up and take your sleeping pills."

The weirdest thing that happened had to do with a little case of constipation. The nurse gave me some "special" pills and told me "We're gonna give you a hat that we want you to use when you go to the bathroom". And I thought, "Now why would I wear a hat sitting on the toilet?"

Turns out this is a clear plastic affair that sits on the back of the bowel to catch your "sample". Hospitals love samples: blood samples, urine samples and, yes, pooh samples.

After several days, victory was mine. And I was able to push that call-button and proudly announce, "Base Commander, I have pooped in your hat!"
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