Monday, 19 April 2010

Happy Trails

As much as I hate to do this, I fear I have little choice.  My little blog here is going dark for the next little while.  After several delays, I start the radiation treatments for my cancer today - 2 sessions a day - until Friday when I have my stem cell transplant.

This intense therapy will likely knock me off my feet awhile - say, several weeks or so to say the least.  I'll let you guys know when I'm back but in the interim there'll likely be very little activity on my blogs, Facebook or Twitter.

Like the bishop said to the one-eyed call girl, I hope you'll keep an eye out for my return.  I'll miss everyone and look forward to seeing you all again soon. Cheers!


Saturday, 17 April 2010

Paunch Ponder and Pun

You guys are the funniest people on the internets!  We had some hilarious captions this week.

For example, Jeremy from We Took The Bait gave us...

Yeah... more like Chick-Fil-A magnet...


FreakSmack came up with...

Brandon doesn't know whether to talk to her, or dip her in ranch!


Malisa came up with several captions, including...

Virginia couldn't keep a straight face when Fred asked her to touch his nuggets.


And Skye submitted a couple of captions, among them...

Honest, I was set up!  This was a blind date and OMG I wish I truly were blind!



But Chris@Knucklehead is our winner this week. He had me snorting with...


He's not kidding.  I can't move my fucking arm.



Chris, my man, you be hangin' with the dufus this week.  Congratulations!  Thanks to all for playing the game so well.

Friday, 16 April 2010

The Truth Is Out There



*Cue theme from X-Files*

Well Mulder would be happy.  Fox Mulder, you'll recall, was the central character of the television series X-Files, an FBI agent who believed in aliens.  

I don't know why but the existence of aliens has played a recurring theme in science fiction - literature, radio and movies.   Go back to one of my favourites - Orson Wells' radio play "War of the Worlds".  Or, coming full circle, just look at the recent television series "V".  

But of course these stories are all fiction, they're made up, make-believe.

However, a global poll conducted recently indicates 1 in 5 people believe aliens exist and they live in our midst disguised as humans.  Now 20% of people polled isn't a lot but nevertheless it's a remarkable number.

Methinks somebody has been watching a little too much of the sci-fi channel.

Back a few years ago, before the sci-fi channel existed, when my children were younger, I might have been a part of that 20%.  Yep, there were times when I may have questioned where the heck my kids came from.  

And I'm sure I'm not the only parent who's exclaimed "Are you from another planet, or something?" as the plot from "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" crossed my mind.

Now, though, when I think back on those days I seem to recall they looked at me like I was the strange one.  And I don't mean Mork from Ork.

Nanu-nanu.



This post originally appeared on Sound Off To America

Thursday, 15 April 2010

Let's Do Lunch

"I'll have my people call your people and we'll set up a lunch."

Whether you're a high-profile Hollywood mogul or a lowly office worker wanting an hour away from the grind LUNCH is a popular mid-day break.

Lunch started as short break around the middle of the day between two more substantive meals at the beginning and ending of the day.  These days it's the social highlight of the day.

Be it a brown bag in an office lunch room.  A quick run to a fast-food joint.  Or a liesurely "business" luncheon.  Everyone stops and eats.

It might be lunch at a restaurant where they make lunch just like mom used to make...



It might be lunch in the animal kingdom.  They have to eat, too...




These guys give new meaning to "out to lunch"...



You may want to theft-proof your lunch.  Here's one way...




Some people have a liquid lunch...



Some people tie one on...



Some over eat.  The just don't know when to quit...


The Japanese give their customers a choice of fast food.  It redifines "a quickie"...


Speaking of which, here's one of my all-time favourite lunch scenes from the movies.  It's from the movie "When Harry met Sally"...





Head on over to Theme Thursday to see what other bloggers had for "lunch" today!

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

Pause Ponder and Pun


Another week, another pic.

Hope you've got your thinking caps on.

Check back Saturday for the BIG winner!

****

I think Mad Mad Margo is taking some time off and may not be running her heavy-duty caption contest this week, but check in, just in case..

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Viagra



My wife and I used to have a real problem with antiquing.  We'd go antique hunting every waking moment.  

Our house was so full of antiques we could have opened our own antique store.

And we had a problem with strolling.  

My wife and I were strolling everywhere.  Our little strolls were turning into full outings.

Then I discovered big screen televised sports.  

Baseball, football, basketball, NASCAR, hockey, golf - even darts and Texas Hold 'em Poker. 

And don't forget women's beach volleyball. 

And my antiquing and strolling…sort of…stopped.

And my wife…sort of…left me.  For some guy that found Viagra.

Anyone seen my remote?

Monday, 12 April 2010

NASCAR - Playing with the Play by Play



…O'er the land of the free
And the home of the brave.

Look out, look out, those jets are flying pretty low…whew, that was close.  Watch out for the Met Life blimp!

…gentlemen, start your engines.

Okay, here we go.  Outta the pits and onto the track behind the pace car.

Why do they call it the pace car, anyway?  The only pace it keeps is so slow the cars behind it swerve back and forth to pretend they want to pass it.



I wonder if I can buy a beer from the #2 car and some M&Ms from the #18?  They're going slow enough, I could just run along side them…  uh-oh, that guy's waving a green flag and the cars are speeding up.  I'll have to wait 'till they pit.

Why do they call it the pits?  Does it suck to work down there?  Does it smell like armpit sweat?  They could probably use some Old Spice.  

They sure run around a lot down there.  I'll bet they could use a Budweiser right about now.

Oh, geez, a crash.  I didn't know Danica Patrick was racing this week.  Give a woman driver a rear-view mirror and some lipstick and trouble's sure to happen.

Uh-oh, better get Maaco.  I hope those drivers have Aflac.

Geez, I'm starting to get a crick in my neck, having to always turn it left, left, left, left.



All these left turns must be a natural for those U.S. Army and National Guard cars. 

Heck, I'm thirsty.  I could do with a Crown Royal.  I should make a 3M Post-It note to myself to remind me to get one at the next break.  

And I don't know why I'm so hungry but I feel like some McDonald's or Long John Silver's. 

Oh, geez, another crash…right into the grandstand.  I see a trip to Home Depot coming up.

Hey look, the #5 car's out in front…Go Daddy!

Damn, I got so excited I dripped some Taco Bell on my shirt.  I could use some Clorox.

Look, look Denny Hamlin's gonna win.  Lordy, he crossed that finish line faster than FedEx!

Juan Pablo Montoya gave Hamlin a run for his money but today he was just off Target.

Poor Jimmie Johnson.  Another loss.  He must be feeling pretty Lowe about now!



Saturday, 10 April 2010

Pause Ponder and Poopy Head

You guys came up with a lot of funny crap this week.  I can't believe how funny you guys are.  You all could get jobs with Hallmark...or Mad Magazine!

For example, Jeremy from We Took The Bait trotted out with:

The perfect head accessory for the person who like to occasionally take their hat, place it in a paper bag, set it on fire, and toss it on their neighbour's doorstep.


Leeuna squeezed one with:

Rumour has it that Sarah Palin has already tossed her hat into the ring for the 2012 presidential election.


Murr Brewster left this deposit:

Please note: the white dog turd chapoo is not available after Labour Day.


And Tgoette passed this one along:

Before Harvey's new hat design became such a smash success, he was just a lonely guy with a Great Dane.


But it was Mike at Too Many Mornings who ripped a winner with:



Tommy greatly preferred being a shithead to being shit-faced, which always left a bad taste in his mouth.




Way to go everyone.  You're all full of shit!  And Mike, you be hangin' with the dufus this week!

By the way, Mike calls himself "MikeWJ" and you can find out why in a fascinating story here.

Friday, 9 April 2010

Must Be The Best Beer In The World



Carlsberg Beer advertises itself as Probably The Best Beer In The World.  It's factory workers in Denmark certainly think so.  They've apparently gone on strike because management has cut back on the amount of beer they're allowed to drink at work.

Talk about your fringe benefits!  Used to be the company provided free beer, water and soft drinks.  Now they want to cut back to availability of beer only in the canteen at lunch time.

The warehouse workers want the same benefits as the delivery truck drivers.  They're allowed to have up to three beers a day over and above what they consume at lunch.

Over 800 Danish warehouse workers are now on strike.

Wait a minute!  The drivers can drink???  That might explain this...


And whether or not it's the best beer in the world, they have some of the funniest commercials...

Thursday, 8 April 2010

Sneaks On A Plane

Snakes On A Plane was a 2006 horror movie starring Samuel Jackson.  This story has nothing to do with that.  I just like the pun in the headline.

On Tuesday this week two women took a page out of another movie - Weekend At Bernie's - and tried to sneak a dead guy onto a plane - see, sneaks on a plane - at Liverpool's John Lennon Airport.  The two women had placed the dead man in a wheelchair and put sunglasses on him.  Needless to say airport staff became suspicious when the women said their friend was just sleeping.

I don't have pictures from the incident.  But here's the trailer from Weekend At Bernie's...




The women might have been better off shipping their friend home in one of these.



It would have been cheaper to send him in the cargo hold than coach.

But nevertheless, you have to give them credit for thinking outside of the box!

****

The bloggers at Theme Thursday are providing their take on "box" today.  See how they made out.

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Pause Ponder and Poop


I don't know where to begin with this one.  But I'm sure you guys do.  After all you crack me up very week.  Why should this week be any different?

I'm looking forward to your captions.  Leave them in the comments.  And don't forget to come back for the big reveal on Saturday.

Oh yeah, visit Mad Mad Margo for her crappy caption contest too.

Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Tiger - He's Grrrrrrrrrating

Tiger Wood's redemption clicked into high gear yesterday.  Maybe it's coincidence, maybe not, but he held his big news conference to kick off his participation in the Masters the day after the resurrection.

Here's my view of how the news conference went using actual quotes from Woods.  Of course the quotes are totally out of context.

Masters defender or master deceptor

Tiger Woods sat down  with reporters yesterday and apologized to his fans.  Well, he apologized to a small group of fans...female fans  "I acted terribly...I need to change that. Going forward I need to be a better man than I was before."  Mistresses, past, present and future were thrilled to hear Tiger's words.  "Just because I've gone through treatment doesn't mean it stops."

Reporters were interested in the incident that brought Tiger's infidelities to light: the night he crashed his car on the street in front of his house.  "Winning golf tournaments through all of this is irrelevant to the damage I've caused." Woods totally destroyed his Cadillac Escalade.  And how did his wife Elin react?  "...a busted up lip and a sore neck.  That was about it."  Tiger confirmed he needed five stitches to his face.

Oops, look at the time.  Gotta go.  Someone's waiting for me back at the hotel. 

Asked how he felt about the fans' reaction to their first glimpse of Tiger since the sex scandal broke, he used an analogy from his cheating ways, "...it blew me away, to be honest with you, it really did."

Monday, 5 April 2010

Fat Chance

Okay, I admit it.  I'm a little overweight.  I should probably eat better but I love my junk food, snacking on chips and pretzels or having a second piece of pie for dessert.  And I think in that regard I'm just like a million other guys.

Except for this guy.  This guy makes the rest of us pale by comparison.  Next to him, we look like a slice of salt free bacon (but bacon nevertheless).



This guy's currently in the hospital, in a bed he can't get out of, breathing with the aid of a respirator.
He's 600 pounds.  And he got that way by scamming people.  Yep, scamming people for food!  George Jolicoeur has a string of offences against him after a series of scams involving getting refunds for  food he ate and claimed was bad.  He'd order humungous restaurant meals, wipe the plate clean and then claim there was something wrong with the food.  Then he'd get off not having to pay for the meal.

He also put it to 7-11.  The latest incident involved $50 worth of beef jerkey that he bought, ate, then told the store it was moldy and demanded his money back.  But his luck ran out.  This time the store called the cops.

But guess what.  He didn't go to jail.  In a plea bargain, Jolicoeur pled no contest.  Turns out he was too big to fit in a jail cell.

I guess it's true what they say: the bigger they are the harder they fall!


 

Saturday, 3 April 2010

Pause Ponder Pun and Sunshine

What a gorgeous day in the neighbourhood, Mr. Rogers.  It's 28 in the nation's capital.  That's 82 for my American friends.  And the sun is just beating down.  What great weather for the first Saturday of April!  And what better time to tell you that my good friend Cat Lady Larew bestowed a Sunshine Award upon me earlier this week. Isn't that cool?!  Thanks CL.


I'll tell you what else is cool.  The submissions to this week's Pause Ponder and Pun were hilarious.  I tell you it gets harder each week to narrow down these captions to just one winner.

See for yourself.

Ziva came up with a real zinger...

C'mon honey, it's only until death do us part.


Kelly cracked me up with...

I swore I would get married by age 30 no matter what and you...are...it!


Webless 00dozo offered...

"It's not that I can't, I just don't wanna do the 'Chicken Dance'!"


But it was newcomer Malisa who really made me laugh with...



According to the new Health Care Bill, all newlyweds MUST perform warm up exercises prior to the honeymoon to avoid catastrophic medical expenses.

Ha, ha, congrats Malisa.  You be hangin' with the dufus this week.  Good on ya!  And Happy Easter!!!

Thanks to everyone for playing.  See y'all next week.  Hey, and click through and visit these guys' blogs.  Tell 'em you've been hangin' with dufus.


Friday, 2 April 2010

Today's Kids Need A Good Belt



"Pull up your pants" I used to say to my son, barely into his teens, fifteen years or so ago.  It was the style in the 90s for guys to wear their jeans down past their hips with their boxers exposed for all to see.  It used to drive me nuts.  I often wondered how my son walked without stepping and tripping on his pant legs.  It was a rapper-inspired thing.  I chalked it up to the difference in generations.  In the 60s my generation used to wear tight jeans and we didn't listen to rap but it was music that drove our parents nuts just the same.

It made me think back to that old Dan Akroyd routine on Saturday Night Live from the 70s when, as the refrigerator repairman he'd bend over exposing his butt crack.  Back then it wasn't exactly a fashion statement.  Back then it was more a financial statement.  Akroyd was portraying a guy who couldn't afford a proper pair of pants...and for comic effect.

Well guess what?  Guys still aren't pulling their pants up.  I'm not talking about guys like me who have lost weight and are too lazy to punch another hole in their belt.  Although imagine me, on the lean side of 60, still in fashion.

No, I'm talking about school kids.  And while sagging pants have long ago stopped offending my  sartorial sensitivities there are others who think something needs to be done.

Take New York State Senator Eric Adams.  He's so bothered by sagging pants that he's cut a video and taken out billboards to "Stop the Sag".

And he's not alone.  People like Bill Cosby and Barack Obama have spoken out against saggy slacks.  Uh-huh.  I wonder though if they should be looking at the younger generation...or the older generation?

Thursday, 1 April 2010

Quebec Budget Could Hit Residents Where It Hurts

The Government of Quebec brought down it's provincial budget this week.  Residents can expect to be seriously out of pocket in the coming years due to various taxes and levies.

Among the measures are an increase in the gasoline tax, a health care levy based on the number of times a patient visits a doctor in a year, a hike in electricity rates, an increase in tuition fees as well as the cost of visiting provincial parks.  The province's sales tax, currently at 7.5 per cent, will rise to 9.5 per cent within 2 years.

But that's not all.  In a related announcement, the province's transport Minister proposed what he referred to "cost-saving energy related measures".  The measures, said the Minister, would result in substantial savings for the province.



For example, the traffic rule where right turns on red lights are forbidden in larger Quebec cities would be rescinded immediately.  The Minister says the rule is an "energy waster" as cars must stop and idle, burning fuel unnecessarily while waiting for the light to change.  "No right turn on red" signs will be replaced by "ready or not" signs.



Similarly, the yellow warning light in all traffic lights will be removed.  The Minister says too much power is being generated by all those yellow lights at all the intersections in the province and an incredible savings could be achieved through their removal.  "Step On It" signs will be installed at all intersections to replace yellow caution lights.



And finally, due to these traffic changes, the pedestrian "walk/don't walk" signs at intersections will be removed and replaced with "run like hell" signs.

Happy April Fool's Day, folks!

See how other bloggers have interpreted this week's topic of "yellow" at Theme Thursday.
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