Wednesday, 31 March 2010

Pause Ponder and Pun

If there's a pic it must be Wednesday.

And if it's Wednesday it must be time for Pause Ponder and Pun, the #1 caption contest on the interwebs, according to the Time Zone Scoop Almanac.

Take a gander at the pic, leave your caption in the comments, and tear yourself away from whatever you're doing Saturday to see who came out on top.

Oh, yeah.  Wander on over to Mad-Mad Margo's for the other #1 caption contest on the internets.

And don't forget to hustle over to The Parody Files today where, in a frank manner, I write about the latest scandal to hit the Catholic Church.  It's Hygrade stuff!

Tuesday, 30 March 2010

The Family of Party Values

Michael Steele must be reading Titus Maccius Plautus these days.  Who is Michael Steele?  And who is Plautus?  Well Plautus is a Roman playwright who first came up with the line "You have to spend money to make money."  Michael Steele is the Chairman of the Republican National Committee and appears to have taken Plautus' words to heart - well at least the first half of that expression.

Get a load of this.  Steele wanted to buy a jet so it'd be easier for him to travel across the country.  He didn't but he charters one, spending $17,500 on chartered jets in February.  And when he gets to where he's going he stays in style, booking into only the swankiest of hotels.

Steele's the guy, by the way, who signed off on the RNC holding a convention in Hawaii.  When?  Oh, ah, in the middle of winter.  Tab? $44,000, not including airfare.  But 168 airfares don't come cheap.

Now comes word that some RNC members whooped it up at a "bondage-themed nightclub featuring topless women dancers imitating lesbian sex."  They whooped it up pretty good spending close to $2,000.  The club in question - The Voyeur - serves tea sandwiches and organic cocktails.  Sure.  Uh-huh.  Seems like somebody in the Grand Old Party likes having a grand old party!

Anyone for $2000 worth of tea sandwiches, with a side order of strippers?

The RNC currently has $9.5 million in their coffers.  Steele began his tenure with $22.8 million and he's since raised $96.2 million.  Where did $109.6 million go? Well money was spent on two governor's campaigns in Virginia and New Jersey.  The rest?  I guess you've gotta pole dance to make money -  even if you do belong to the "party of family values."  Plautus would be gyrating in his grave.

Are Republicans considering a pole tax?

The dollar figures in this post were found in a story at The Daily Caller, and in some instances have been rounded off. 

Monday, 29 March 2010

Supersize Me Lord

Do you want fries with that?

It seems American kids aren't the only ones growing at an alarming rate.  And by growing, I mean putting the padding on or, in laymen's terms, getting fat.  The disturbing trend has moved at least two mega-profile individuals to doing something about it.  First-lady Michelle Obama has made it her life's work to bring childhood obesity to the attention of the American people.  And "Naked Chef" Jamie Oliver has just launched a weekly American television show aimed at getting kids to eat right.

As we approach Easter this week, seems there were more miracles going on at The Last Supper than we knew about.  The initial visual documentation of the most famous dinner ever - "table for 13, right this way" - was preserved by Leonardo da Vinci in the 15th century.  But now it seems subsequent renderings have resulted in more food on the table.

A study by 2 professors at Cornell University has discovered that down through the years, reviewing over 50 subsequent paintings of the last supper, the plate sizes and the portions of food on the plates have grown by up to 69 per cent.  Art would seem to imitate life.

Some renderings weren't included in the study.  Among my favourites are:

Star Warms

M.A.S.H. Potatos

Battlestar Galactica Hot Dish

Fast Food To Go

This post first appeared on Sound Off To America

Saturday, 27 March 2010

Pause Ponder and Pinch

We had plenty of great captions this week.  It was tough to come up with a winner.  For example, last week's winner, Kelly, gave us:

Are they ripe yet?

And perennial player Moooooog had:

It was on or around this time that Billy regretted his desire to stop breastfeeding.

Skye had several good captions, among them:

I think I like older women.  Little girls my age don't have anything like this to play with.

But it was FreakSmack who dialed in this week's winner with: 

Birwearwoooooooshhhh...  Biroooooo...  Come in Tokyo...  Birwooo...  Tokyo... Do you copy?

Congratulations FreakSmack, you be hangin' with dufus this week.  Way to go.

Friday, 26 March 2010

Cannabis And Caffeine

I came across an interesting news story this weekend - some stunning results from a recent study.  Researchers at the University of California at San Diego have discovered that sleep-deprived teenagers are more likely to smoke marijuana.  Ah, duh.  My question would be which came first, the weed or the lack of sleep?

But that wasn't the point of the study.  Nope the point or main finding was if a teen was sleep-deprived and smoked weed then so did members of his social network.  You've heard of the Kevin Bacon six degrees of separation theory?  With weed, the network's even smaller.  In the UCSD study the level of influence was four degrees of separation.  Of course if these guys got together to buy their snack foods they could save a bundle on buying cheese doodles in bulk. 

But at the centre of the study was influence and influence over negative behaviour.    The most popular teen in the social group could influence his friends in their behaviour, be it wacky tobacco, junk food or sleeping less than 7 hours a night.  The trick now would be to substitute the negative activity with positive things.  Right?

In a related news story, I may have found the answer to waking up the participants in the previous study.  Here in the Great White North, Health Canada plans to allow soft drink makers to increase the amount of caffeine in carbonated drinks.  While the new levels would be clearly indicated on soft drink container labels, nutritionists worry people won't pay attention to them and thus might over-indulge.  They say the higher caffeine level soft drinks could match the amount  of coffee some adults drink a day.

Now the rest of us just have to decide which we'd prefer.  Do we want a bunch of zombie-fied, weed-induced, half-asleep teens.  Or would we prefer a group of hopped-up, twitchy, bug-eyed adult wannabes?

Isn't there a middle ground?  Where's a survey on the effects of eating vegetables and fruit when you need one?

This post originally appeared on Sound Off To America.

Thursday, 25 March 2010

A Sign

I'd been driving for what seemed like hours.  At the outset the trip had gone smoothly.  Because we'd left home early, the roads had been largely empty.  Everything was smooth sailing.  We'd made good time.

We'd enjoyed the scenery along the way and had brought along some CDs of enjoyable music.  It was just the two of us and the trip afforded my wife and I an opportunity to chat now and then, catching up on each other's lives and compare notes on issues of the day.

I knew the way to the border.  The route was simple and straight-forward to follow since we'd travelled it several times before.  The highways and interchanges were clearly marked.  And before we knew it were were stopped and chatting with the U.S. Customs agent about our summer vacation.

But now it had been hours since we'd passed the border and as we motored along nothing looked familiar.  We'd made this trip to Ogunquit on several occasions, the last time being about four years ago.  I thought I could make this trip with my eyes closed.  Maybe I had.  Maybe that was the problem.  Whatever the problem, I was lost.  But like all great male drivers, I wasn't going to admit it.  And I certainly wasn't going to stop and ask for directions.

Travelling from Canada to Ogunquit, Maine, one has to - oddly enough - drive briefly through New Hampshire and then go North into southern Maine.  I'd remembered seeing the signs for New Hampshire, but that was some time ago.

Where were we?  I needed an indication that I was on the right highway.  A hint that at least I was going in the right direction.  What would I say if my wife asked me how longer it would be?  If she did ask me then she'd know I hadn't a clue; that I was lost.  What could I do?

And then I was struck by divine intervention.  It was help from above.  Praise the Lord, it was...a sign.

This week Theme Thursday is going with "sign".  Drop by and see what other bloggers have written about this theme.

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Pause Ponder and Pinch

Okay guys.

You know the drill.

No help from me this week.

See ya Saturday with the winners.

Speaking of winners...pop on over to Mad-Mad Margo's and participate in her caption contest.


Oh, hey, today's my turn over at The Parody Files.  Drop over and leave a comment there, too, after you've read my latest masterpiece - The Naked Chef!

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Where's Quirky?!

One of my favourite bloggers has disappeared.  She left an ominous note on her blog March 17th saying she needed a break and she hasn't been seen or heard from since.  I'm worried.  Quirks is one of my favourite bloggers.  We visit each other every day.  And now...Quirky appears to have been the latest blogger to simply up and stop blogging.

Quirks is very funny and so I miss my daily chuckle.  I love her penchant for Zombies.  And I think it's cool that she often parodies songs.  So, Quirks, if you're out there, this tune's for you.  Remember "Patches" by Lee Dickie in the early 60s?  You can run the video while you're singing the updated lyrics...

Down by the website that glows on the interwebs
Stands "Quirkyloon" with posts taken down
There lives a girl everybody calls Quirky
Quirky my darling of Old Humour town

We plan to comment when she brought the funny
I couldn't wait to fill Quirky with pride
Now I don't see how that ever can happen
She's gone I know, and my heart breaks inside

Quirky oh what can I do
I swear I'll always love you
But a girl who's misplaced will not bring me her grace
So my search won't let me find you

Each night I cry as I think of that blogger
And pretty Quirky her zombies adores

She doesn't know that I've tried hard to see her
Quirky must think that I love her no more

I see a blogger leaving a comment
He said a girl name of Quirky was found
Laying face down on that dirty info highway
That runs by the blogs of Old Humour town

Quirky oh what can I do
I swear I'll always love you
It may not be right to parody songs tonight
Quirky I'm copying you.

Come back soon, Quirks!

Monday, 22 March 2010

Wal-Mart Store-ies

Police in New Jersey have a man in custody following an incident at the local Wal-Mart.  Last week, an unidentified person accessed the store's public address system and announced: "Attention Wal-Mart customers: All black people leave the store now."

The incident went quite beyond the childhood prank of telephoning an individual at random and asking if their refrigerator was running and then telling them they better catch it.  

In the Wal-Mart incident hundreds of shoppers were accosted by the offensive message and it caused several shoppers to boycott the store and others to publicly admonish the retailer for the ease with which the public address system was accessed.

What I'm curious to know is how did the police department respond when a call came in to send a black and white to the Wal-Mart store?

Saturday, 20 March 2010

Pause Ponder and Runs

Well our girls in green inspired some pretty funny captions this week for our special St. Paddy's Day Pause Ponder and Pun.  Among them were Jeremy from We Took The Bait with:

The laughing was short-lived, as Angela, attempting to amuse her friend with her flatulence, discovered that green beer gives her the runs.

Then came Moooooog with:

Julie was immediately out when she realized that 'All the ugly girls throw your feet in the air' was not preceded with 'Simon Says'.

But it was Kelly - who else on St. Patrick's day - who was our winner this week with:

Mary Pat is about to find out the hard way that combining green beer and Alli "may" result in oily bowel movements and the inability to control them.

Way to go Kelly!  You be hangin' with the dufus this week.  Congratulations, lass.

Friday, 19 March 2010

Congressmen Come Clean

Do you ever stop and wonder just what the hell’s going on with our politicians?  I know I do.  I wonder, for example, given all the trouble some of them get themselves into why do they go into politics to begin with?  I mean being a politician is like living in a fish bowl.  With the pervasiveness and inquisitiveness of today’s “gotcha media”  as a famous female former governor likes to say a politician’s private life isn’t very private and his or her public life is on display for all to see.
The latest example – although who knows, by the time you read this there may be a new one – involves Democrat Eric Massa, recently resigned New York Congressman.  Yeah, that’s right, another politician from New York.  Given the way things are going with politicians in that state you’d think the voters were blind and not the governor.
Why did he resign?  I’ll take multiple-choice for $800, Alex:  a) he’s been accused of  improper sexual conduct, b) he has cancer, c) he’s the target of an ethics probe, d) he was forced out by the Democrats because he wouldn’t vote for Obama’s health-care bill, e) all of the above.
Massa’s a multi-faceted politician, a multi-tasker if you will because “e” appears to be the correct answer.  And it would appear “e”’s in a whole Massa trouble.
One of the weirder aspects of Massa’s perplexing predicament is the story he told about White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel accosting him in the Congressional showers over a budget vote.  It gives new meaning to the intent of one politician making the other politician come clean…and it wasn’t on the floor of Congress.  At least there was no bending over to pick up the soap…that we know of.

“I’m sitting there showering, naked as a jaybird, and here comes Rahm Emanuel, not even with a towel wrapped around his tush, poking his finger in my chest, yelling at me because I wasn’t gonna vote for the president’s budget,” Massa said. “Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man? … It’s ridiculous.”
He continued, “By the way, what the heck is he doing in the congressional gym? He goes there to intimidate members of Congress.”

Of course Emanual better be careful next time he tries to shake down a Congressman.  I can just see the encounter, “Hey, Rahm, is that your finger or are you just happy to see me?”
This post originally appeared at The Parody Files

Thursday, 18 March 2010

Breakfast Anyone?

My buddies at Theme Thursday have decided to interpret "breakfast" this week.  Well, last summer I shared with readers how I prepare breakfast when me and the guys go fishing.  I thought I'd repeat it for my TT buds today.  

Keep in mind: it's a guy thing...

If cholesterol be the food of love, stick a fork in me, turn me over and call me Eros.

This high caloric, cholesterol-laden concoction is swimming in fat, grease and guilt but, nom nom nom, it is sooo good.

Nonamedufus' Specials have become a yearly tradition with me and my fishin’ buddies. Each June several of us traipse into the wilds of the “near North” of Ontario to Lake Temagami once bass season opens. We tell our wives we’re roughin’ it and we kick back at a place called Loon Lodge and watch satellite TV, drink beer, eat huge Lodge-prepared dinners, enjoy the sun and swat at the odd black fly. Oh, yeah, sometimes we actually fish.

Provisions for our fishing folly are procured ahead of time at the grocery, liquor and beer stores in North Bay about an hour away from Lake Temagami. The local economy (particularly the beer store) gets a considerable boost from 4 guys headed out for 8 days on the lake. Now the dinners are provided by the Lodge. So that leaves 2 other meals and snacks that the guys are responsible for. Deli meats, pickled eggs, chips, pretzels and hot dogs are the usual staples for lunch and snacks. But breakfast is another matter entirely.

In the late of the evening - well, actually, long before dinner - after a long, hard day out on the lake the guys break out the beer and the booze, sit back and shoot the breeze about the one that got away or deride the one guy who didn’t catch anything. We’re close like that – hey, two of these guys are my brothers. With a break for dinner, the discussing – and the drinking – continues until the moon rises and the call of the loon beckons us to our beds.

In the morning, it’s sometimes difficult to get moving for some reason. Here’s where the Nonamedufus' Specials come into play. The bread, the grease and the cholesterol counteracts the effects of the booze and simply soaks it up. A side of tomato juice is the perfect accompanying breakfast beverage, spiked or au natural. Of course after each of us eating two of these there’s a rush to see who can get to the bathroom first. But once our business is done, we’re fresh, revived and ready to face another beer, er, ah, day!

Here’s how you can make your own Nonamedufus' Specials:
-turn stove burner to #3
- melt, butter, margarine or cooking spray in pan
- cook bacon (2 strips per special) (low sodium back bacon can be substituted by wusses)
- cook eggs easy-over in same pan using grease from bacon
- place slice of cheddar cheese on egg when egg is flipped and let melt
- cut and toast English muffins
- add salt and pepper while eggs cooking
- place 2 slices of bacon and 1 egg with cheese on open English muffin
- put other half of English muffin on top
- voila, a feast fit for a king size hangover
- can be served with a side of fried potatoes (also cooked in bacon grease) and a glass of orange or tomato juice

Happy eating!

Be sure and check out Theme Thursday for more breakfast goodies! 

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

St Paddy Pauses, Ponders and Puns

Do you know what day it is, today?

The top o' the morning to ya!  Happy, St. Paddy's Day!!!

If you're remotely Irish you'll be doing one of several things today.  You'll be wearing green.  You'll be drinking green beer.  Or you'll be turning green late tonight from all that green beer!

In the meantime, take a look at this week's picture of our girls in green and leave a caption.  You've got until Saturday to come up with a winner!

And if you're still in a captioning mood, drop by Mad-Mad O'Margo's where she's got the second-best captioning contest on the interwebs.

Tuesday, 16 March 2010

Cheese Heads

Oh no!

Say it ain't so!

Another great tradition has fallen by the wayside - as opposed to rolled down the hillside.

They've cancelled the great Gloucestershire cheese race.  Yeah, that's right.  Too bad.

For the last 200 years, apparently,  people have gathered on a hillside in Gloucestershire, England to chase a round brick of cheese, as thousands looked on.  And that's why they've cancelled it.  Just too many people to contend with.  Apparently over 15,000 people came out to watch the cheese chasing last year and about 20 of them were injured.  Those are just the spectators.  Sprains and bruises and the odd broken bone seem to be the injury of choice among participants.

Now in case you didn't know, participants don't actually have to catch the cheese.  They just have to be the first one across the finish line after the cheese, once they've rolled and tumbled down the grassy knoll after the runaway cheese.  The cheese, by the way, travels speeds of up to 70 miles an hour so you don't want to be in it's path.

After the races everybody retreats to the pub for a pint.  Now that's a gouda idea!

Here's a bit of video from one of last year's races.  Organizers are hoping there'll be a 2011 event but for this year, someone cut the cheese.

Monday, 15 March 2010

Free Bacon!

Did I get your attention?

Today's the day.

I know you've all been waiting for it.

Today we launch the very first bacon-flavoured blog on the interwebs.

Well, that's what the promotional pitch says anyway.  The Parody Files relaunches today with a new look, a new format and five - count 'em - five fabulous, funny, misfit bloggers.  Of course I'm one of them otherwise why would you think I'd spend so much time promoting it.  We'll each be posting one day a week, Monday through Friday.  Who are we?

Oliver Clozoff (All of her...clever, get it?) owns the site and is our Editor In Chief.  He's a real stinker.  Or was a chief technologist at Stinker industries.  He's the one with the bacon.

Derek the Intern comes out of his mom's basement long enough to post once a week when he's not busy over at Audible Underwear.  Derek's the token geek among us.  Better him than me.

When Liam James Leaven isn't living up to the Parody Files motto of being the most fire-spewing blog in the universe, he's usually hanging out over at The Humor Books Blog.  We won't get into which end the fire spews out of.  You'll have to drop over to the Parody Files and judge for yourself. Watch out he doesn't bend over in your general direction!

The softer sex is represented by Ashley Garmany, a 20-something currently enduring a quarter life crisis.  He dating life is at such an apex she's currently thinking of post-graduate work in a convent.  Ashley hangs her hat, and the rest of her clothes, at twentyoneofseven when she's not sharing the detailsof her hattered life at the Parody Files.

And then there's yours truly, the old guy nonamedufus, an anonymous boomer - generationally and, at my age after all that bacon, indigestionally.  Yep, another outlet in the growing dufus empire where I share my pithy comentary.  That's with a "t" and an "h", okay?

So come on over and join us at The Parody Files.  It's a funny place, with enough bacon for everyone.

Kevin...the other Bacon

If you're looking for some fresh, ah...dufus content you can find it here at the Parody Files, where I just posted it yesterday.  Try it.  You'll like it.
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