Sunday, 31 January 2010

Sunday Funnies

President Obama delivered his speech on the State of The Union last week.  And Steve Jobs delivered the tablet from the mount, you might say.  Editorial cartoonists had it all covered...


Saturday, 30 January 2010

On The Horns of a Dilemma

We had some great captions this week.  You guys keep nailin' it week in and week out.  And it's hard to pick just one winner, let alone several honourable mentions.  

But let' try.  Skye was on target with...

You are so lucky that my horns didn't spear you when I did this back-flip, but could ya give me a hand here, I'm kinda stuck now!?!


I liked Cat Lady's effort, for obvious reasons.  She taunted us with...

Damn... that bull be hangin' with Dufus!

And Tgoette showed his stuff with this crowd pleaser...

Roberto and his pet bull, Paco, show the crowd the feat that gained him national recognition on David Letterman's "Stupid Pet Tricks".

But it was my dear friend Quirkyloon who came up with the winner this week, and ran (bull) rings around her competitors...


You put your left horn in
You put your left horn out
You put your left horn in
And you shake it all about
You do the toreador pokey
And you get stuck in the ground
That's what its all about!

Arriba arriba!




Okay, there, Quirks, my friend...you be hangin' with the Dufus!!!  Congrats to all and we'll see you Wednesday for our next contest.

Be sure and click through to visit these folks' blogs.  They're not just funny here.  They've got some pretty funny stuff over at their sites too.

Friday, 29 January 2010

Whip It

I don't want you to get the wrong idea but I just love a whippet now and then.  And I've loved them ever since I was a kid with a sweet tooth.  Except they weren't always called whippet.  So I googled the term and here are just some of the examples I came across.

I'm not talking about the song by 80s new wave band Devo.  That'd be a little too obscure.  Although it was the biggest hit they ever had.



Crack that whip
Give the past the slip
Step on a crack
Break your momma's back
When a problem comes along
You must whip it...

Yep, that's a little obscure.  Speaking of which, I'd forgotten there was a whip it scene in Rocky Horror Picture Show.  I'm more a Time Warp kinda guy...



Britney knew how to get a little kinky.  And this is kinda mild for her.  She's wearing panties.



This is the guy who really knew how to whip it.



And there was a story this week that Pope John Paul II - J2P2 to the uninitiated - used to like to whip himself - no that's not a euphemism - as a penance.  Sounds like something right out of The Da Vinci Code.  Remember the guy from Opus Dei?  Hmmm...



J2P2's being considered for sainthood.  I guess you might say he indulged in a little miracle whip now and then, although not the kind you and I do...



This was the first whippet I came across on my search...



They used to be bred as a hunting and racing dog.  Nowadays they pretty much rest all day - must have been all that hunting and racing - and they're known for their quiet and gentle temperament.  Sounds like me as I sit around eating my Whippets.



Whippets are made in Montreal and are a distinct part of Quebec culture because they don't travel out of the area where they're produced very well.  There are other kinds of whippets like the mallomars made in New York City.  Growing up in Ottawa as a kid I think we just called them chocolate covered marshmallow cookies.

And that's my little excursion through the land of whippets and whip-its.  I think I'll stick to the cookie.

I'm not into self-flagulation...just self-fatulation.

Thursday, 28 January 2010

Art Imitates Life

It's happened to many of us, for whatever reason.  What?  Sleeping on the job.  However, for those of us it's happened to, we haven't had to suffer first national media attention, followed by international viral attention.

George Robitaille is a Toronto Transit Commission ticket taker.  A customer caught George napping at his post and snapped a picture with his video camera, e-mailed it to friends and from there the situation mushroomed.




Transit Commission users have complained.  The city's in the midst of a race for a new mayor and this has provided grist to the mill in arguments over how TTC service needs to be improved.

It has also provided the basis for one of the funniest political cartoons to have appeared since Prime Minister Harper prorogued Parliament.  This week, this cartoon appeared in the Toronto Star.




Robitaille has gone to great lengths to apologize to TTC customers and his bosses.  No word yet from Stephen Harper.

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Pause Ponder and Pun



I don't want to raise any red flags, here, but that animal's in trouble.  And that's no bull, folks.

Okay, we got the right day this week.  Wednesday, right?  That's a good sign.  The adjustment in my medication must be working.

Leave a caption in the comments and mosey on back here Saturday to see who won The Hangin' With Dufus Award.  Se y'all then.

Ole!

###




Oh, hey, speaking of awards I won the Golden Phallus Award last week.  I know.  Like I need another Golden Phallus...award!  Anyway I won Mad Mad Margo's caption contest last Saturday.  You can click through to my Awards Page and click the link there for the details.

Don't forget to try out Margo's caption contest this week.  You can try Kirsten's contest too, although she hasn't given me an award lately.

Tuesday, 26 January 2010

Baby Come Back




What's going on?  My feather duster keeps sneaking back into the house saying it wants me back.

I used to think that was one of the stupidest commercials known to man and cleaning products.  But you know, it's grown on me.  It's one of those things that gets funnier every time I see it.

Speaking of stupid things, now Brangelina appear to be on the brink of nevermore...quoth the raven.  Yep, their 5 year, 33 kid relationship appears to be coming to an end.  Gossip sites say they've already been to the lawyer to split up their joint $300 million fortune.




But wait, another site says it's hogwash. Now there's a word that show's my age.  They're not splitting up it says.  A third site says "maybe".

And what's up with that term Brangelina.  These people have names.  Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  Why didn't they call them Angerad or Pittlie or, geez I don't know Brad and Angelina.

It's like they're a corporation or something.  Brangelina Inc.

They're rich enough to be one.  And now it seems they've come to a parting of the ways.  What a couple of assets.  Assets...not asshats.

So what do you think set it off?   Did Angelina want to adopt more kids?  Did Brad refuse to shave that silly goaty-looking goatee off?  Woah!  Talk about your feather dusters.

Who knows.

Does anyone really care?

If you ask me, it's only a matter of time before one is telling the other those three little words...

Monday, 25 January 2010

The Sanctity of Sunday

In our house there's one day of the week that is special.  It's held in extremely high regard.  And we - well I do - anticipate it's arrival with reverence and awe.  And when it arrives my family room becomes a house of worship and the lord help anything or anyone that comes between me, my couch and my high definition big screen television -- unless she's serving chips and some liquid refreshment.


Hey, c'mon, I watch it for the football.

There is a high degree of worship on this day which begins when the television clerics take viewers through the contests yet to come and the combatants yet to battle each other and the skills expected to be displayed up and down the grid-iron in the form of throws, catches, kicks, tackles, touchdowns and the odd hail mary.  And the skill that is displayed isn't limited to the playing field.  There is also a laying on of hands upon a magical hand-held device and a worshiper must be extremely adept at switching between the many matches on display in order to observe their beloved hero score an elusive touchdown.

But the main event is usually offered up by Father Joe Buck of the church of Fox or his competing pigskin Padre Jim Nantz of the church of CBS.

Of course the measure of the true believer is his level of endurance.  The two afternoon services, including the pre-match devotion can together last up to eight hours.  For the truly devoted, a third service, conducted by Father Al Michaels over at the church of NBC can tack on another three hours or so of worship, marking the truly faithful among us ready for sainthood.

And now the world-wide congregation awaits the Super Bowl, the highest of high masses for fanatical football followers.  And then...

And then worshipers will be without their idols.  No eight to twelve hour Sunday sessions.  There will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth.  We'll have to talk to our wives...and watch...chick flicks!

Or NASCAR!!!

Saturday, 23 January 2010

These Captions Crack Me Up

There were some great captions this week.  Here are some honourable mentions.  Cat Lady got in a good crack (get it?) this week with...

How Dumbo's ears got on Sidney's ass we'll never know.  Now the only question that remains is, "Where is Dumbo's trunk?"


Mike had me bent over in laughter with...

Professor Emeritus had an unusual way of demonstrating that, just like a pebble tossed in a pond, a seemingly small event can crete ripples that have catastrophic consequences.  But nobody ever forgot the lesson they learned that day.  Especially Bob, who eventually learned to sleep standing up. 

And Tgoette was right on target with...

As the new face of Fox News, Sarah Palin expected a certain degree of hazing by her co-workers.


"...And that's for making us lose the election, bitch!"


But our overall winner was...guess who?...Moooooog! with this shot..



Revolutionary War historians reveal the actual source of the 'shot heard round the world'.


Way to go Moooooog.  You and me be hangin'!!!

Congratulations everyone.  Those were great captions.  Keep an eye out next week.  I may even run the contest on the right day!

Friday, 22 January 2010

Show Us Your Nuts

Poor David Beckham.  Going after the man for his autograph I can understand, but this?

Remember that Armani underwear campaign where David and his "package" were on display for all to see in magazine centre-folds and giant billboards?




There was some talk at the time that the goods were enhanced...you know that there was some air-brushing done.

Well, it seems a female Italian television personality took it upon herself to find out.

Accompanied by a camera crew, she donned a pair of yellow rubber gloves and zeroed in on her target(s).

Beckham, who was in the midst of a TV interview was, to say the least, "caught" by surprise.




And the upshot of the exercise?  Beckham's wife has called her honey well-endowed, nick-naming him Golden Balls.

But the woman with the yellow gloves was heard to say as she was being dragged away, "I touched it but it's small.  David you have conned us all."

Beckham, who hasn't won a soccer cup recently,  might consider wearing one both on and off the field.

Thursday, 21 January 2010

Let Me Tell You Where To Go

Right day?  Check!

Right blog?  Check!

Right drugs?  Check!




Earlier this week I screwed up.  With 3 blogs on the go, normally I'll try to have a post or two in the bank so I can schedule them ahead of time.  That's the route to go with my weekly Ponder, Pause and Pun caption post that runs Wednesdays.  I've usually picked the pic, cribbed the copy and scheduled it to run by Tuesday, sometimes Monday.

I thought I was so smart this week.  I'd had Tuesday's post and Wednesday's PPP all set to go and scheduled by Monday.

Imagine my surprise when I flipped on my computer Tuesday and saw both posts on the same day.  Holy poop.  And I couldn't do anything about removing PPP because by then Moooooog had left 3 or 4 captions.

So I moved Tuesday's post to the PPP slot on Wednesday and left PPP on Tuesday's blog.

Happily, lots of folks are leaving their captions so it's good to know they found the post even though it was slotted on the wrong day.

My excuse?  It's the drugs.  Remember that chemo thing?

Some days they'll throw me for a bit of a loop.

So listen.  If you tune in here one day and there's nothing new, hop on over to either dufusdownbeat for a musical profile or Slings And Arrows for a little political satire.

Between the three of these blogs you're bound to find something of interest.

Hey, not a bad little cross-promo, eh?

It's the drugs.

;)

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane

Sorry folks.  In a bit of a mix-up, Pause, Ponder and Pun was mistakenly posted yesterday, a day early.  So read today's post and then skip down and leave a caption.  Damn those meds really relax me!


***

Get ready Canada.  Air travel is about to, ahem, take off.  Yes, due to a novel approach to airport security in this country, airlines are bracing themselves for a stiff uptake in air travelling passengers.

The headline I read yesterday was quite explicit: "Canadians Support Use of Naked Airport Scanners: Poll".

Why didn't anyone think of this before?  Naked security personnel.  It's a great idea.  Kinda like visiting a strip club in the departure lounge.  And for free!


Security personnel coming soon to a Canadian airport near you - no cover charge.

I wonder where they'll find these people?  Maybe there is life after exotic dancing.   Couldn't take much training.  And they don't have to spend any money on uniforms.  I wonder if they'll allow tips?

Whoever thought this up is going to be responsible for a whole new attitude toward having to go through security at the airport.  Hell, there might even be line ups due to the fact people don't want to leave the security area.

Imagine being patted down by a naked security guard.  Kinda gives new meaning to "Fly the Friendly Skies" dontcha think?

What?  Wait a minute?  You mean...  Okay, hold up folks.  Seems I may have read too much into that headline.  It's not the security personnel that'll be naked.  It's the scanning machines that'll see through the clothes of travellers making them naked to the security personnel.  And according to the poll, most Canadians don't mind.  Bunch of freakin' perverts!


Is that a gun in your pants or are you just glad you see me?

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

That's Just Not Right - Pause, Ponder and Pun



It's up to you.

Why not take a whack at it.

Leave a caption in the comments and we'll see you here back on Saturday to see who cracked us up. (Oh, that was bad.)

Don't forget to visit cheeky Me-Me and see what she's got going on in her caption challenge today.

***

Sorry, folks, it must be the chemo meds, but I ran this a day early.  Since there were already 5 comments when I discovered this I've flipped this with today's intended post...but hit away with your captions!

Monday, 18 January 2010

I Hope Brett Favre Never Grows Up

Four months ago I was poking fun at Brett Favre.   In a post in September I said Favre was over the hill.  Guess what?  I take it back.  At 40 he may be the oldest playing quarterback, if not player, in the National Football League but after watching him throw four touchdown passes yesterday in the Vikings' blow out of the Cowboys he's also the most passionate.

And passion is the word.  At 40 he still has the skills and abilities necessary to be a top QB.  An amazing feat in itself.  But Favre has a genuine passion and love for the game too.

After every touchdown Favre would run off the field and high-five and slap and head butt every player, coach and assistant within reach.  Hell we may even have seen him chest bump the water boy if they hadn't cut to commercial.




And it's his exuberance for the game that for a fan - for this fan, anyway - makes the game so enjoyable to watch.

Man, imagine going to work everyday and enjoying your job as much as Brett Favre does.

I hope Brett Favre never grows up.  And I hope he beats New Orleans next week and makes the trip to the Super Bowl as the oldest quarterback ever.

Give me five.

Sunday, 17 January 2010

Sunday Funnies

Last week all hell broke loose respecting the late night slot on NBC.  Jay Leno lost his prime time spot and a huge battle erupted over who would retain the coveted 11:35 Tonight Show.  Editorial cartoonists had a field day...


Saturday, 16 January 2010

Just In Case You Were Wondering

We had captions by the case this week.  Booze just seems to bring the best out in people.  It was really hard to narrow this down.  It was even hard choosing the runners-up.  But after a few silly-pops the task got much easier.

Newcomer Dave "Loose Cannon" Wills toasted us with:

What's more important, love?  Me holding all the beer in both hands to look like a gentleman OR me holding your hand lovingly and being a gentleman.


Anonymous Whitey - I think I know this guy, he likes Corona - poured forth with:

Yep, the missus could always hold her beer better.


And Nooter capped things off with:

No longer marketable as a sultry prostitute, Venus is earning cash nowadays by renting out her services as a wheelbarrow.


Our winner?  Leeuna uncorked a good one with:



Don't judge me!  She's carrying the lite beer


Way to go Leeuna.  You have the distinction of hangin' with the dufus!  Congratulations...and pass me and Whitey a cold one.


Friday, 15 January 2010

Catching Up

It's been a while since I've updated folks on where my cancer's at.  Well, it's still right where it was before.  The latest development, though, is a drop in my hemoglobin levels which unfortunately makes me anemic.  So I've been kinda tired lately; little energy for anything; poor appetite.  But I'm on a new medication that should help me with that.

But my doctor's seem pleased with my lab results.  The chemo appears to be having an impact, apart from making me feel like crap.  I've been on the chemo since October.  Funny, eh?  It's like the worse I feel the better I am.  But I'm not fooling myself.  Yet to be scheduled is the radiation and a bone marrow transplant.  So the real fun is yet to come.

Did you hear about the guy who's doctor told him he had cancer and only 6 months to live?  When he asked the doctor what he should do the doc said move to Saskatoon and live with an economist.  The guys says, "Will that make me live longer?" and the doc says, "No, but it'll seem like a lot longer."

***

Hey, look what I got.  My friend idifficult from across the pond likes my blog so much he passed on a Feels Like Home Award.  Thanks, idifficult.  That means a lot.  I appreciate it.




Now I just have to pass this on to 5 blogger buddies I feel at home with.  Well, that's easy.  And be sure and click through to see why I think so highly of them...




Thursday, 14 January 2010

First Planet On The Left




Did you see it?  Were you worried about it?  Did you duck or take shelter?

*What the hell is he talking about?*

What I'm talking about is the Armageddon-like headline I saw earlier this week:  Mystery object to whizz by Earth Wednesday.

Yikes!  Are you kidding me?  The story described a 33 to 50 foot object that was going to come within 80,000 miles of Earth.

33 to 50 feet?  80,000 miles?  Okay, not exactly Armageddon.  We can stop humming Leaving On A Jet Plane anytime soon.

But the disturbing thing about this is scientists were unable to figure out what the heck this object was.  Was it an asteroid?  Piece of space junk?  Iran's first nuclear missile?

I've got a pretty good idea.  In a related story this week it was reported that NASA was having problems with the space station's water recycler.  You know the thing that processes astronaut's urine into drinking water?  It seems the urine was clogging up the recycler.  Well, duh.


Intergalactic plumber needed?

And you know what?  I think the NASA engineers got so frustrated they just pitched it.  How else do you explain a headline about an object "whizzing" near Earth.  Aw, c'mon.  Didn't you see that one coming?


Mmmm...yummy!

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Pause, Ponder and Pun



Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends.

We've got another odd pic for you and your captioning pleasure this week.

Good luck, cheers, skoal, salut, chin-chin and all that stuff.

See you back here Saturday to see who captioned whom under the table.


Drop by my buddy Mad Mad Margo after you're done here for more cockamamy captioning...

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

One Man's Relatives Are Another Man's Jail Mates

Get this guy.  You may have seen this story at New Year's.  A 35 year-old Italian decides he'd rather go to jail than spend New Year's with his wife and relatives.

He tells police to throw him in jail and they say they can't because he hasn't committed a crime.  So he threatens a convenience store owner with a box cutter, steals some candy and gum and waits for the police to arrive.

Now this is too much.  Why in the world would he do this?  Are his relatives members of the Cosa Nostra?  

Is his father-in-law the local Don...and I don't mean Don Juan...?

Or maybe it's just a big family and he didn't look forward to hanging out with them.  Hell we had close to 25 people over for Christmas and you didn't see me pulling something silly like that.

Why in the world would the guy rather spend the night in jail than with his relatives?  Hmm....

Well I did a little research.  And although it was time-consuming I felt I owed it to my readers.

So here we go...

Here's the guy's charming wife, Isabella "Gummy" Bella:




His dear mother-in-law Carla "Beak" Bella, who you can tell is on her way over for a visit when her nose turns the corner:




The father-in-law, Lucio "Legs" Bella.  He's the one that wears the pants in the family...some days:




And here's his brothers-in-law, the Bella Brothers, the only team entered into that rare Sicilian athletic event, the 6x6 bread stick relay.  The only place they're being chased is out of town.



Hmmm....  I think I'm starting to see just how smart this guy is.
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